Dadda, I'm so sorry it's been so hard. My heart goes out to you and I'm sending you big hugs. You've done nothing to deserve such lousey luck. And I'm sorry your daughter is having a difficult time, too. I'm on my knees praying for you this morning, friend. May God bless you and give you strength and guidance. (((((dadda)))))

I wrote some places last night. I actually couldn't sleep. I heard back from state rep's office, who the aide said only handles problems with state agencies. I was crying the whole time (and only 20 minutes left on phone, now :-( ) because THEY make the laws and it seems, the "unintended consequences" are for us to deal with alone ....

"Court assisted DV".

It was refreshing to hear from someone in California who is amazed at the crap they dish out here ... which, I have come to realize ... this whole notion of what has been going on has led me to question the unspoken and obviously unwritten code toward women here ... I don't know if it is that ... but something DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. Shirley Justice, shot 13 times by her ex when he was incited over a voided Court order that was clearly hostile in nature toward the mother. She had claimed incidents and been deemed a liar.

I guess the truth comes out, but sometimes it can be too late to help anything ...

Dadda. I'm so sorry to hear of all the bad stuff going on now And as for your daughter she was a victim of domestic violence which is illegal. Thus: 1 800 799 SAFE is a toll free number she can call. It is a National Domestic Violence Hotline that can support her in ways that she needs to be supported.
For you there is the following phone number: 1 800 FYI-CALL which is the phone number of the National victims center to help you where you need help in regards to your present situation. Both of these numbers are National phone numbers and are toll free numbers. these numbers are found among many others at: essortment.com/hotline-numbers-60913.html . You will find a wide range of toll free numbers there including the two included in this response. If anybody has a camera , you might have them photograph your daughter's body where the injuries are. Could serve as proof for something later on before she is completely healed up. Also you may try calling the Captain of that police officer who blamed your daughter for the incident who ought to take her complaint more seriously. The officer sounds way out of line here. Your daughter might be best to call. Here in Canada the complaints must come from the injured party.....your daughter in this case. might be best she talk to the police captain. Not sure hoew the police function down there. I hope this information helps both of you.

Hi ... thanks, Douglasn. I need to check a few things and will probably post again later. Right now and for the past several days, my daughter has been sorry that she made the report. However (and this may help someone out at some point) many states/areas now have laws releasing DV victims from leases and such without having the fear of being sued.

I knew that and I also knew that what happened passed the "point of no return". This young lady has been punched in the arm with a large bruise resulting by another guy. She lied at first, giving me a wild story of how it happened and I didn't believe it. That was back a few years, though. And she had moved in to this place after wanting to move more than 200 miles to a city she's never been to before ... I've learned to read her better and recognized her father was terrorizing her about foreclosure and stuff. So I thought this might be good, as she was OUT. But with the car breaking down and all else ... she apparently thought this would work out better and help monetarily.

We've talked and all, but I know that despite many of the things she says (she feels she is really messed up), she is reacting "normally" to being placed in impossible situations. Fact is, maybe the officer would have been more understanding, with background. But often, they don't get that background and that is why it is so important not to BLAME a victim. The person might even be trying to help, in a way, but it can't. I think it is probably LESS likely she will turn to police in the event of a crisis and that is a shame ...

I tried to have her turn back to the station to speak with a supervisor, but she drove that time and just wanted to leave. I understood and respected that ... and yes, she needs to "do the work" for her own sake. But it IS one of the reasons I just couldn't run off and let them "figure it out" for themselves. With things what they are, I doubt that many people who ought to enlighten and be supportive ... will. I missed quite a bit of time with my daughters when their father tried to get me out completely. If I suffer as a result for standing up for what is right, that is a real shame. Not mine, though.

I am very glad of those who are supportive, even though maybe not fully agreeing with or understanding my viewpoint, but respecting me enough to know that even if not 100% "right" I am close enough to the mark to likely have a good idea what I am talking about. Before all this happened TO ME, I always "assumed" a lot of stuff ... that there IS a place to go, people that help, etc. Now I know more about reality ... and there has to be a purpose eventually. Nothing has ever changed by doing the same thing and expecting different results (unless an unrelated miracle intervened).

Billy Eddy and others have been bringing to light the problems Ns and the like can cause in the Court. Maybe I am not spot on in the presentation or actions I take, and I certainly am not "enjoying" any of this ... but if not me ... who? when? This will (then) all have been for nought ...

I've been checking the site, but haven't posted in a while. It's hard for me to complain when I see the hell you and others are going through and my issues seem petty and I just don't feel like a voice my empathy to others as eloquently as I'd like even though those feelings are truly there. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Sounds to me like you are almost rock bottom. Hopefully nothing but upwards movement from here on out. Hugs.

You don't have to be eloquent, Jess. Just voice your sentiments in a way that is respectful and sensitive to others. :)

Jess, I gave you a hug and I am glad to see you!! And I like what you said, too, Doug! Thank you both!! :-)

Dadda,

I wish for you Peace and Happiness . . . been a long time coming but maybe, just maybe, you are at the bottom of this long hard road . . . finally being forced to leave the house is heart-breaking despite long expectations of that happing. I hope as bad as this is and as painful as it is . . . I hope it is the first step back up toward the light. You have had this gloomy shadow over your head for far too long. You have fought the valiant fight. I hope you can walk away knowing you did everything you could do. Again, I will say that I have visited many women's shelters (albeit not where you live) and everyone of them (unlike some general shelters) provided safe, clean shelter and treated the women with ultimate respect. I hope you find peace. I know you are bone-weary . . . yet I know you have the inner strength to shake off this deep disappointment and find a new, more satisfying life. You can do this. You owe it to yourself. Hold your head up high and walk out of that house . . . walk out of that town . . . with you head held high. You are not alone . . . we are all with you in spirit. A thousand heart-felt hugs, my friend. Please keep us posted as often as you can. We care.

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I'm so sorry dadda that your going through this, there is a good side and it will come, that's how life is, sometimes we're up and sometimes we're down. Just take these times of the downward to learn from them, it is a lesson, your learning how to survive i do believe it's going to make you a stronger person, it's not going to defeat you, but only make you aware of what your next move is. Hang in there, it is so sad to see our kids go through crap like that, I only hope she see's roomate/guy for who he is and leaves permanently.

I feel for you big hugs!

Keeping you in my prayer Dadda. Sending you lots of love and hugs.

Donna

Hi. I just woke up and I am "bone tired" BUT finding more little pieces to the "puzzle". First, though, I want to say thanks to all of you for your love and care, prayers and concern. It means a lot, especially cause there are times I am just so "busy" treading water or working on some aspect that catches my mind ...

I know not everyone here is/was married to N, or has children with, but I am thinking that a lot of us who are or have been have often been caught in not only the unfamiliar "machinery" of the Court system but even the fears it can inspire, especially with a "dirty" lawyer on the other side ... there is always the emotional aspect, as well as the potential for a financial draining or destruction, when children are involved and fought over.

My latest thoughts/realizations:

MARRIAGE IS NOT A TORT NOR A CRIME. Why are people HAVING to spend great amounts of money, too often, when they are involved in a divorce with N (or worse)? Why are children being ripped away from loving and completely adequate parents, without ANY rationale or justification in Court proceedings (the presentation to the judge in the 1st was that we agreed on joint custody ... there was NO questioning us or discussion ... just a decree a month later awarding it all to him ... and history NOW shows that a grievous error).

Anyway, I am also just trying to figure out to do ... what we may be able to sell, etc And there may be some avenue to still force him to make good the mortgage, through contempt. But if I have to do it myself (and actually, I better, because if I do and am again denied, it will strengthen my argument).

But no, I WILL NOT go to the women's shelter. Why? Because I have been finding too many clues throughout all the time my mind has to work. I've learned to look over the paperwork and I am finding glaring evidence of conspiracy to prevent my getting a protective order in 2003. In fact, I went to the DV people ... where there (supposedly) was a legal person ... I was then sent to an attorney, who charged me $162.50 to say she couldn't do anything (and yes, I saved the receipts etc). I'm tired of being a funding source to people who should be figuring out the terms of the equation and finding the answer, which = my daughters and I getting screwed, over and over.

Ruth Jewell, who was the Board Chair of the NCADV, told me via e-mail I should just "forget" all the injustice and "go on with my life". But only 2 weeks ago ... and ONLY because this "person" calling themself "husband/father" honed in on our daughter to terrorize her and get her out of THIS HOUSE, which he DID NOT make any serious attempt to sell ... my daughter was told by a POLICE OFFICER that SHE "brought" an assault onto herself ... because yes, she DIDN'T use the "best" judgment ... but she had been placed into an "impossible situation" by an abuser to start with. THAT is not acceptable.

Maybe the system will beat me down and the media, continue to bury me. But tell me, how many people's marriages are destroyed by a nurse getting involved with a patient ... the AG does nothing ... and this leads to the "innocent spouse" and children looking at being homeless? THAT isn't "a story"?

Especially when you factor in the rest of the sage ... that gambling (for the most part) was the driving impetus for everything ... including two terrifying and TOTALLY UNNECESSARY (per physicians) mental commitments, incarceration for "civil contempt" and more? THREE divorce actions instigated by the same person, in the same Court with the same judge ... and I get the complete screwing over THREE TIMES? "My" attorney even refusing to file to clarify, even KNOWING that within THIS case, he has circumvented and defied Court orders as well as the DV PO (there's a prize in every cracker jack box, if you hire an attorney) which apparently was a "bonus", not a reflection of the taped screaming fit and threats ... where he had made it CLEAR he had NO intention to sell the house, via his attorney letters (and additional recorded fits where I was told I had "no rights" to be in the house, I was entitled to "nothing", oh I could go on).

The very FACT that I am blown off, ignored and so on tells me SOMETHING IS WRONG. So I will now be writing back to most of those I have appealed to and THANKING them for helping me to see that I am onto "something"; something apparently which nobody wants to look at OR expose. Since I know that I might sound a bit ... well, I do know this ... the story might not make "complete" sense, but I am positive I do not sound "looney tunes". Since nobody in authority or influence is refuting my assertions with any sort of logical argument ... well, what conclusion would you draw?

I would have been "fine and dandy" with 5 - 6 months to save my money and pay my bills. I had a bit of savings, two jobs and excellent credit. All is now destroyed, and I am supposed to "move on" and accept this destruction as "my life"?! I can't do that ... THIS is not the result of "my decisions" or "my actions". And even before my daughter was getting blamed for factors beyond her control (and how well I know that experience!) I knew I am not alone ... and have been getting involved in groups that are sharing experiences and information ... and I have tried to be an encouragement and share GOOD info with others as I can.

But the ONLY reason I EVER got an attorney was his retaining the one who had earlier threatened me with conversion charges, for trying to get my car returned so I could visit my daughters (when HE had filed to modify because I "wasn't visiting" with no transportation from 40 miles away) and felony charges for trying to get a protective order because our daughters and I were being terrorized (and I was being threatened) every time I tried to exercise visitation.

And having worked in social service agency previously, as well as advocating on others' behalves (usually, successfully) I already KNOW that aside from a roof over the head and some counseling/support - not necessarily the most helpful, though in some agencies maybe - the only "services" are those which ANYONE who is "eligible" can get ... it is mostly referral stuff. And I have already, being pro-active, looked into all that seemed might apply. I shouldn't HAVE TO LOSE EVERYTHING I EARNED for the third time before I can be "helped". I understand how all of that "works" at least in the general sense, but I am intelligent and motivated enough to see where some efforts on the part of NCADV and so on could have resulted in more "supports" and helps to people at low cost ... especially after being in existence (the VAWA movement, which should be called VAWMA) for over 50 years.

And I am not angry, just explaining! I have little time or energy to do what I need to ... much less what I want to .... I have to check my messages and I would like to also spend time here more sometimes and be encouraging to others. I've known for some time THIS is more than one person CAN cope with, especially with the snowballing ...

But since I have committed NO crime NOR a civil tort, I should NOT have to learn a lot of fluffy "legalese" OR hire an attorney to bring the substance of a complaint, valid and true, into the Court administering the divorce ... and more than a year ago, at that ... that I wanted a change of realtors as there appeared to be no serious attempt to sell the house ... and at least, hammer out more clarity! This is ridiculous ... should not be possible ... much less happening. :-) At least, I KNOW I am on the right track, as regards the truth!

From your "legally regulated hostage" sixteen years +,
dadda dawn ... hugs to you all!

Dadda,

I am confused. When exactly must you be out of the house. I thought that that order was the court's final ruling. Yet, now it sounds like you believe you have other legal venues to try in an attempt to remain in the house. Is that what you are saying? If so, I wish you luck . . . more importantly . . . I wish you peace. Hugs.