Narcissist Trauma Survival and Recovery Community Group
Support for those anyone who is or has been in a relationship with a narcissist. Together we are much stronger than any of us would be alone. A place for non-judgemental mutial support, advice, and comfort.
About 5 months ago I was engaged with a N I didn´t know at the time, I thought I was going to marry the man of my dreams. He suddenly got angry out of nothing cause I focused on our wedding instead of him and wasn’t supportive with his job or so he said. Nothing I said or did could ease his anger and he just discarded me like I was nothing… at this time I didn´t knew what I was dealing with, then I started reading my diary and realized I had been dealing with a monster ( I used to tell him he was like Hulk when he got mad). I got a lot BS from him:
He was usually angry at me every 10 days (because I rejected him or talked to him in a way he didn´t like or said something he didn´t like), told me I did things that made him really angry, that no other girlfriend got him that angry. During his anger outbursts he punched the wall with his fist, kicked doors then in the middle of the night was begging me to return to his place… Literally throw tantrums (throw himself in bed and started kicking about) when it was time for me to leave his place, got mad when I leaved. I had to have sex with him whenever he wanted cause if I didn’t he got mad at me told me to stop taking pills and didn´t understand how I have been with other guys but won’t be with him when he wanted. Ignored me every now and then when we hanged out with his friends because I said something he didn’t like or dressed how he didn’t like… punished me this way or punished me by not opening doors for me when I did something wrong in his eyes. He had a really hard time accepting my past threw constantly at my face things I did in my past… He used to accuse me of cheating every now and them, showed up at my place accusing me of cheating on him because the night before when he left my place there was a car parked outside, accused me of looking at other guys in the street, of having affairs with men at work, had to remove whatsapp last seen hour, could not let him see me online on facebook, and well told me I was like a car he bought when purchased he figured the car was broken and had second hand parts or that I am like a cell phone that when he bought it did not have all the features it said I it had… screamed at people in the street for wanting to cross the street when he was driving by… got mad in front of my parents because I already had breakfast with them instead of him, all of our communication problems where my fault…in between this anger crisis he was always caring, attentive, sensitive, supportive. In the end I cried a lot he did not hug me when I cried, I had to think what to say and what gestures to make so he didn´t get offended, was walking constantly on eggshells… he told me everything I stopped doing for him any other girl would do form him, that I couldn’t relax cause he would leave when he wanted even if we were married… I finally got the courage to get my things out of his house and well this ended everything…
He moved on really fast took him about a month and is now dating some girl having a great life forgotten all about me and I am still trying to pick up the pieces… I am having a really hard time, sometimes I really do not want to live, what is worse I still miss him a lot… I am going to therapy not sure if it has helped… It tears my heart seeing them happy together and her taking my place… I wonder what is so wrong with me wanting him so badly after everything he’s done… He left me with my wedding dress, invitations L everything… I wish it would all go away, I am also really afraid this girl is the one he will be straying with that he has found the love of his life even if he is a really bad person… I don´t understand why after everything life is rewarding him… what can I do? I just want this nightmare to be over…
He was usually angry at me every 10 days (because I rejected him or talked to him in a way he didn´t like or said something he didn´t like), told me I did things that made him really angry, that no other girlfriend got him that angry. During his anger outbursts he punched the wall with his fist, kicked doors then in the middle of the night was begging me to return to his place… Literally throw tantrums (throw himself in bed and started kicking about) when it was time for me to leave his place, got mad when I leaved. I had to have sex with him whenever he wanted cause if I didn’t he got mad at me told me to stop taking pills and didn´t understand how I have been with other guys but won’t be with him when he wanted. Ignored me every now and then when we hanged out with his friends because I said something he didn’t like or dressed how he didn’t like… punished me this way or punished me by not opening doors for me when I did something wrong in his eyes. He had a really hard time accepting my past threw constantly at my face things I did in my past… He used to accuse me of cheating every now and them, showed up at my place accusing me of cheating on him because the night before when he left my place there was a car parked outside, accused me of looking at other guys in the street, of having affairs with men at work, had to remove whatsapp last seen hour, could not let him see me online on facebook, and well told me I was like a car he bought when purchased he figured the car was broken and had second hand parts or that I am like a cell phone that when he bought it did not have all the features it said I it had… screamed at people in the street for wanting to cross the street when he was driving by… got mad in front of my parents because I already had breakfast with them instead of him, all of our communication problems where my fault…in between this anger crisis he was always caring, attentive, sensitive, supportive. In the end I cried a lot he did not hug me when I cried, I had to think what to say and what gestures to make so he didn´t get offended, was walking constantly on eggshells… he told me everything I stopped doing for him any other girl would do form him, that I couldn’t relax cause he would leave when he wanted even if we were married… I finally got the courage to get my things out of his house and well this ended everything…
He moved on really fast took him about a month and is now dating some girl having a great life forgotten all about me and I am still trying to pick up the pieces… I am having a really hard time, sometimes I really do not want to live, what is worse I still miss him a lot… I am going to therapy not sure if it has helped… It tears my heart seeing them happy together and her taking my place… I wonder what is so wrong with me wanting him so badly after everything he’s done… He left me with my wedding dress, invitations L everything… I wish it would all go away, I am also really afraid this girl is the one he will be straying with that he has found the love of his life even if he is a really bad person… I don´t understand why after everything life is rewarding him… what can I do? I just want this nightmare to be over…
It may still feel somehow like it was love right now, but love doesn't hurt. You end up imagining they were your friend, when in fact and in truth, they were your worst enemy.
You describe a classic abusive Narcissist who has idealised you, and then (abused you) devalued and discarded you.
This is what they all do. Please read all you can about it, so you can begin to realise that he has done you the biggest favour of your life, by moving on, especially as many can stalk their ex's, and can become quite dangerous.
It will hurt for some time more, and you will feel discarded replaced and bereft. Please believe me, that with more information and understanding, you will one day feel great relief, that he moved on.
You deserve SO much better...
Hugs xx
See below:
At the heart of pathology and abuse is a lack of remorse, empathy, and conscience.
Women get exhausted by their own responses to abuse, and their on-going mental activity designing thoughts about how to deal with it. They feel heartbroken, hyper vigilant (walking on eggshells), and constantly hurt. They just want the pain to go away, and if that means they have to forgive overlook or become callous and semi immune to abusive incidents, they will try to. Women quickly learn to desensitise themselves and adapt to the abusers pathological behaviours.
Narcissistic abusers, sociopath's Psychopaths and pathological abusers, have, at the centre of their ‘disorders’, a complete inability to show remorse or empathy for any hurt (emotional or physical) that they cause.
Normal people have a conscience, especially related to bad behaviour and its consequences and they feel the emotional guilt that accompanies any mean or nasty act. Narcissistic abusers and the pathological, feel no guilt or regret. What separates us as caring human beings from a pathological is our ability to have insight about our behaviour and how it affects others and to feel for them if we may have caused them usually unintentional hurt.
Our ability to feel responsive guilt and remorse is a reflection of our humanity. Pathological abusers completely lack these traits which means that they have next to no ability to act humane in most situations, unless they are guessing or faking it or trying to impress others.
These heartless abusers most often also hurt children and pets. They steal, lie, cheat, let down and demean others, and they have no guilt or remorse or empathy for those they hurt. Their abuse is ALL about a need to control.
Encountering a total lack of empathy, from someone you love, is beyond devastating. Especially after having been totally blind sided by violence or name calling or by being ignored or hurt let down and devalued in so many other ways by them.
Their lack of remorse shows most when they have hurt you, he doesn't care, worse, at times he even seems to enjoy your hurt. It is mind wrecking to be feeling so hurt, knowing that the person you love the most in the whole world has caused your hurt, and more confusingly you can feel the need to turn to them, for them to stop the pain, and to be comforted. Instead, they usually abandon you to your devastated feelings, and they chillingly refuse to care.
Deep down it also makes you want to run, but you can also stay hoping and praying that things will change, and that the good guy you thought he was/think he can be, will reappear. Part of you believes that’s what he really is, at heart, deep down, is a good guy who truly loves you. That is how they control you, with idealisation, then abandonment and hurt, also so that you will try harder. It’s just too difficult to believe that anyone can be that nasty cruel and heartless, they must just need some help, and some more of your love?.
You want to carry on as if their abuse of you, never happened, just so that you can try to keep returning to the love you believe is possible in your relationship. The man you fell in love with can surely return? He was real? He can be so good? The crazy making abuse can make you shut down and carry on pushing the abusive incidents aside, forgiving over and over again, also often due to the sheer fear of leaving and what that all could involve for you.
It can get too difficult to see, that abuse is not love. Or to see that someone who loves you would never ever hurt you they way they do, physically mentally or emotionally, it can be far too difficult to believe that someone who loves you would ever intentionally hurt you or want to make you cry. They must just be damaged, and their mean and nasty and cruel behaviours must surely not be their fault.
Unfortunately not true. Abusers abuse to gain control 'over' you.
This is why it is called the ‘Cycle of Abuse’, as you go around and around in the same cycle, tension, hurt and then the honeymoon phase. The ‘honeymoon’ phase is where we place our hope of change and think we see proof of their innate goodness. Truth is, he only wants to drag your view of reality out of your head and replace it with his until its difficult to see the wood for the trees, so he has control.
An abuser will mistreat partner after partner in relationships, each time insisting that the problems are all the women's fault. Don't think you are the first, or that you will be the last.
He will carry on abusing, even if he looks 'happy' with his next victim, pity her, because its all ahead of her also. Because abusers don't change.
My ex husband also seemed to cause havoc every few days over nothing... I wasn't kind enough, didn't!t look into his eyes from across the room when we at a gathering, dressed not to his liking until I thought I was 20 years older than what I was. Then we would fight that I didn't dress more sexy for bed, until I would come from a long day at work and find the outfit of his choice already laid out. If I was going to a baby shower or waiting for company to arrive for Thanksgiving, that is when he would throw out the suggestion of getting some sex in.
They all think that they are quite a catch and they all find another to replace us very, very quickly. This is crushing to us. We thought that we mattered, that they loved us, that eventually they will look at the relationship that they had and come back realizing we were irreplaceable. That NEVER happens. They are incapable of loving, feeling emotion, or remorse. Also very hard to accept.
And we all missed them, thought about them, ached for them and for long periods of time. There is a lot for you to learn and accept and I would start researching, reading everything you find, listening to You Tube and listen to the stories we can all share. Sometimes you will feel empowered by the knowledge, sometimes you will be so upset that you fell in love with someone with a personality disorder, always you will miss them, until one day you won,t. You will make mistakes and make a fool of yourself just to hear their voice but you will eventually Learn that total NO contact is the only way you are going to heal and survive.
His new supply looks like she is getting all the benefits of this new personality, but it's not true. It's going to look that way though. My ex husband had a first wife....eventually we became friends when I was experiencing the most horrible behavior. I thought I was going out of my mind. Step by step, he did to me what he did to her. She left him after 30 years. He found me just before the divorce was final. He was 50 at the time. I was with him 18 years, married for 13. He is now a month away from 70. He had a new supply the month I Filed for divorce.
I lost sleep, I cried, I faked function for over a year.....but it is not hurting anymore now and yes they are still together . NO Contact is what worked. No calling, no texting, no social media, I blocked his numbers from my home phone and cell phone. That when the healing began. And this forum literally saved me.
So welcome new member..you are not alone..vent away. We are here
My ex husband also seemed to cause havoc every few days over nothing... I wasn't kind enough, didn't!t look into his eyes from across the room when we at a gathering, dressed not to his liking until I thought I was 20 years older than what I was. Then we would fight that I didn't dress more sexy for bed, until I would come from a long day at work and find the outfit of his choice already laid out. If I was going to a baby shower or waiting for company to arrive for Thanksgiving, that is when he would throw out the suggestion of getting some sex in.
They all think that they are quite a catch and they all find another to replace us very, very quickly. This is crushing to us. We thought that we mattered, that they loved us, that eventually they will look at the relationship that they had and come back realizing we were irreplaceable. That NEVER happens. They are incapable of loving, feeling emotion, or remorse. Also very hard to accept.
And we all missed them, thought about them, ached for them and for long periods of time. There is a lot for you to learn and accept and I would start researching, reading everything you find, listening to You Tube and listen to the stories we can all share. Sometimes you will feel empowered by the knowledge, sometimes you will be so upset that you fell in love with someone with a personality disorder, always you will miss them, until one day you won,t. You will make mistakes and make a fool of yourself just to hear their voice but you will eventually Learn that total NO contact is the only way you are going to heal and survive.
His new supply looks like she is getting all the benefits of this new personality, but it's not true. It's going to look that way though. My ex husband had a first wife....eventually we became friends when I was experiencing the most horrible behavior. I thought I was going out of my mind. Step by step, he did to me what he did to her. She left him after 30 years. He found me just before the divorce was final. He was 50 at the time. I was with him 18 years, married for 13. He is now a month away from 70. He had a new supply the month I Filed for divorce.
I lost sleep, I cried, I faked function for over a year.....but it is not hurting anymore now and yes they are still together . NO Contact is what worked. No calling, no texting, no social media, I blocked his numbers from my home phone and cell phone. That when the healing began. And this forum literally saved me.
So welcome new member..you are not alone..vent away. We are here
What you are feeling now, missing him, is normal, We all went similar situation. Nothing is wrong with you. I am happy for you that you had the courage to leave him before you are tied to him through marriage. Cry, pray do whatever you can do, it is normal to miss what you did together. It is very hard for a heart that loved someone to forget him so quickly, that is why it is so painful for you. But because N do not love, your ex did not care and he already found another victim. I am calling the new girl a victim because what you see outside is fake. She is probably going through the same problems you had with him. However, he may try to hide problems,to control her, to pretend that now he has found the woman of his dream. If you are in the same town he will do this to make you jealous.
What you have to do is to be strong, don't show him that you feel miserable. one day you will be surprised when he will come back to you with a tonne of lies! You are a brave woman, I don't know how you survive him. He is just a animal. I am glad you are no longer with him.
Hugs my dear!!