Narcissist Trauma Survival and Recovery Community Group
Support for those anyone who is or has been in a relationship with a narcissist. Together we are much stronger than any of us would be alone. A place for non-judgemental mutial support, advice, and comfort.
Hi, everyone! I wanted to pop in and post a quick one; I am "alright" but my God, busy .... I am supposed to find a place to live, without money, though .... as none of the Court orders have been followed and all but the fact that a Court order(s) were made in the divorce exists. And "they" (the gang family) are working on getting that eliminated for all time, even if it hurts our daughters. So learning a lot and trying to get a lot done. Hoping though I can spend some time here later and on weekend, cause a person has to have some respite! :-) And support/encouragement!!
May have mentioned this, but hoping to start some dialogue, too in how our children are and remain affected by the N. Also, messages of hope from those who've seen progress and improvement with their children (I have, though there is a ways to go and each child is different!).
I know I have seen posts, here and elsewhere, from parents who've become estranged (and often remain so) from their children and often, as a result of the N's actions, words. I think there is hope and even more than hope, so I want to relate the following and my understanding of it as well as to say anyone with additional thoughts/input: please provide!
Okay, last Friday the ex-bother-in-law came up the driveway, told me he is "new owner" and I need to "get out", now. Boy, where does this sound familiar from? I spent time trying to find out what rights, if any, WE have (having been here ONLY awaiting divorce settlement to be completed) after having the deputy I called tell me I "have the weekend".
Even though I told my 22 year old that we were "okay" as far as Monday goes, and that was straight from the mouth of the sheriff's department, she packed her clothes and put them in her car and disappeared from 8 a.m. to past 10 p.m. I received texts through the day, "has anything happened yet?" I'm smart enough to realize that, despite HAVING legal rights and having accurate information from the sheriff's deputy, etc whom I had spoken with, my daughter was scared. Probably wanted to trust me, and my words, but that old stuff ... triggering, unhealed wounds, even normal anxiety were likely "ganging up" in her mind as her RELATIVES are doing in real life. Although I am hoping that the different result has helped her, I (myself) KNOW that they are still looking to do whatever they can to "get around" the normal processes of eviction. What has happened already IS wrong (legally) and they know it; they likely know that I am smart enough to figure our enough.
Whether I can DO anything ... but what I have to focus on is getting out and things to do with that.
One thing that I think has helped my own children (and I am hoping you will think back and realize your own got this, even if you can't tell now) is that they got a firm and stable, loving base or anchor to their lives. Even though a lot of bad has happened since, and they have picked up using certain defense mechanisms to survive and deal with things, they had "love as their first language". They even had that from their father, as I am going to "count" the experience, since I as adult believed the performance. Most of us know that reality can be altered through the use of illusion, so this can even (I think) be used therapeutically to help our children heal.
If you learn a language or use certain skills in childhood, it's going to be easier and likely quicker to regain that, later on in life. A lot easier than "learning from scratch" (and that is likely why NPD and ASPD are impossible or extremely difficult to "treat" and results not great - there is NO basis for comparison in the mind).
So I am "opening up" for comments, questions ... any
May have mentioned this, but hoping to start some dialogue, too in how our children are and remain affected by the N. Also, messages of hope from those who've seen progress and improvement with their children (I have, though there is a ways to go and each child is different!).
I know I have seen posts, here and elsewhere, from parents who've become estranged (and often remain so) from their children and often, as a result of the N's actions, words. I think there is hope and even more than hope, so I want to relate the following and my understanding of it as well as to say anyone with additional thoughts/input: please provide!
Okay, last Friday the ex-bother-in-law came up the driveway, told me he is "new owner" and I need to "get out", now. Boy, where does this sound familiar from? I spent time trying to find out what rights, if any, WE have (having been here ONLY awaiting divorce settlement to be completed) after having the deputy I called tell me I "have the weekend".
Even though I told my 22 year old that we were "okay" as far as Monday goes, and that was straight from the mouth of the sheriff's department, she packed her clothes and put them in her car and disappeared from 8 a.m. to past 10 p.m. I received texts through the day, "has anything happened yet?" I'm smart enough to realize that, despite HAVING legal rights and having accurate information from the sheriff's deputy, etc whom I had spoken with, my daughter was scared. Probably wanted to trust me, and my words, but that old stuff ... triggering, unhealed wounds, even normal anxiety were likely "ganging up" in her mind as her RELATIVES are doing in real life. Although I am hoping that the different result has helped her, I (myself) KNOW that they are still looking to do whatever they can to "get around" the normal processes of eviction. What has happened already IS wrong (legally) and they know it; they likely know that I am smart enough to figure our enough.
Whether I can DO anything ... but what I have to focus on is getting out and things to do with that.
One thing that I think has helped my own children (and I am hoping you will think back and realize your own got this, even if you can't tell now) is that they got a firm and stable, loving base or anchor to their lives. Even though a lot of bad has happened since, and they have picked up using certain defense mechanisms to survive and deal with things, they had "love as their first language". They even had that from their father, as I am going to "count" the experience, since I as adult believed the performance. Most of us know that reality can be altered through the use of illusion, so this can even (I think) be used therapeutically to help our children heal.
If you learn a language or use certain skills in childhood, it's going to be easier and likely quicker to regain that, later on in life. A lot easier than "learning from scratch" (and that is likely why NPD and ASPD are impossible or extremely difficult to "treat" and results not great - there is NO basis for comparison in the mind).
So I am "opening up" for comments, questions ... any
I am trying to prevent my ex narc/sociopath from being involved in my child's life, he will certainly try to poison her and alienate her from me if given any chances (that's the best case scenario).
Sending peace and hugs X
Before the internet, when this first happened to me, I was (seriously and truly) walking around in a daze, wondering if "this" happens to everyone, but nobody talks about it. That didn't make sense, though, as I knew I wouldn't willingly let my own children walk ignorantly into whatever Twilight Zone type of experience which had become my new reality.
Developing some resources and listing them permanently would help, especially for the times when people are busy and not able to respond; some of the past questions and discussions likely have useful material but finding it ... I don't even want to think about it.
I think there is a lot of wisdom here, too, especially in a collective sense. It's one of those things that we can learn from each other; sometimes too people "come back" and post, which can be a great encouragement. Some of the situations arising with N is not likely to be addressed in Dr. Spock or any other type of "regular" parenting place. And maybe a question someone needs an answer to wouldn't be there, but the other info might get them on the right track of thinking about their own situation and possible strategies.
My ex does not follow the terms of our divorce either, but I am not dealing with the circumstances you are fighting.
My son sees his dad in his true colors now that his dad is married to a mommy figure who is controlling and has interfered with their relationship AND has an agenda against me.
My father grew up without a dad. His own N/alcoholic father abandoned him and his brothers when he was just 7 years old and started a new family on the opposite coast I think he died when I was in the fifth grade. My grandmother managed. She says she never asked him for help and would get upset with me when I was going through my divorce because I was fighting in court ... she didn't understand times were different and it was HE who was fighting and dragging things out and maintaining contact with me (in an attempt to reconcile, haha).
My oldest uncle stayed married and raised his kids before my aunt learned he was gay and was carrying on an affair with another man. When his secret was discovered he too, fled across country. He is dead now. To of his grown kids worked hard to maintain a relationship. His other two children did not since did not make any attempt to connect with them.
My dad is a great husband ,and grandfather. He got to practice on me, lol... But I see it in his words and actions how he spends time with my son and nephew. He loves them and never wants to see them go without!
My younger uncle is the same in that way. Still married,raised three kids and his very involved with his very young grand children's lives.
So I have optimism with my own son that he will grow up to be a man of character and love. He is hurting now, but I see great compassion in his heart.
When you communicate, communicate only the facts.
schedules
events
medical appointments
treatments
diagnoses
school events
contacts- I made sure ex narc is on the scout and school email lists.. he does not read them.. but that is not my problem.... he has access to get information he wants
N will dispute, ignore and deny any responsibility or obligation to pay for fees, provide transportation for child to activities (sports, lessons, clubs, appointments)
But I was thinking about what transpired last Friday. I know the brother filed Small Claims against me for possession (eviction) and "back rent" but I still have NOT received any paperwork. I get that he wanted to "get at me" because he is a fraud ... I read somewhere "my imaginary balls are bigger than your real ones". Yeah, these guys are so big and bad; I'd like to SEE them go in front of the judge and give it to him straight.
One thing, too, I have learned and this, to me, is pretty cool. I know when I was going to therapy, before the breakdown, I was more or less in an integrity crisis or quandary. I was coping in various ways using unhealthy methods and I came to realize how much these people encourage it ... although likely you wouldn't be doing any of or most of the unhealthy, had you not become entangled with them. They like to have things they can use to blackmail you or hold over you ... he is STILL blithering about things from 20 years ago. I don't even listen to that "crap" anymore ... and for anyone who would give it credence, I can easily show them: THIS is a guy who has instigated divorce with the same person THREE TIMES, claiming irreconcilable differences ... then has to have me back (after we WERE divorced and he pulled that three months after, told him straight up NO). Go look in the Court records and see who he sues, over and over and over. I'm the only one. What a crock.
I remember prior to my ex getting married, he would go back and forth too
He would go from being nice and complimentary and claim he was sorry and hurting and that he wanted to work on things... to asserting his "power" and assigning blame on me. Making demands regarding our son's issues... "Here's what I want you o do."
I never bought into it... getting "his' responses to my court motion are priceless. I honestly do not know what the judge will do with us.
I am desperately trying to unlearn those unhealthy ways, because you are right, people use it against you.
Continued prayers, Dadda
Ad it really isn't "humorous", but if I step back and out of the situation, your statement: "I honestly do not know what the judge will do with us." makes a lot of sense.
I never had much dealing with Court matters/legal stuff in past; mostly traffic tickets and as witness in an arraignment matter. I'm the type of person who tries to solve problems with someone; I have yet to see "going to the Court" and using it as a big stick against someone as my first, second or any choice. It's so HARD, too, because a person should be able to go to Court and speak in English (or write) and be able to defend their RIGHTS, at least.
I'm horrified by the number of websites that actually tell people how to "stick it" to their partner using Court; some sites for men, others for women ... but all of these seem to have one thing in common: assuming all the people "on the other side" are going to behave that way, given the chance ... and starting from the presumption that all the people on the other side are evil.
I'm also disgusted and angry at the numbers of attorneys who are willing to treat (on the way to being or) ex partners as criminals or lunatics ... and get the Court seeing me, or you as that without SOLID, ADMISSIBLE EVIDENCE, which we are allowed to address. I KNOW that one of the biggest problems I've had, but didn't "know" until years passed, is the fact that I made a "good faith" report. Worse, the LAW REQUIRES EVERYONE to do so, in similar circumstances. I made the report, he and his mother provided "information" that I was a druggie and a lunatic; the caseworker NEVER met and spoke with me.
When I went to her office, having gotten out of the mental hospital (as I was NOT "homicidal", either, as they claimed) to try to find out if my daughters were okay, she wouldn't talk "with" me. She just kept telling me, in a contemptuous and dismissing tone, that I needed to "go take care of (my) mental illness". I've thought about all that quite a bit; I realize that her behavior and words - and failure to reassure about the children - is actually a very cruel way to treat someone, but in particular, a mentally ill person.
Her "screening" report states the "allegation unsubstantiated" (which does not make it either FALSE nor MALICIOUS), that I am found to be a drug abuser and mentally ill ... and she recommended HE take custody. Since parental rights ARE actually Constitutionally based, that is one hell of a statement on extremely flimsy "evidence". There is no indication, for example, that my physician (with better insight AND info) was ever contacted!
And 15 years later, history and evidence SHOWS how wrong she was. His attorney, through the years, has threatened me with (unspecified) "felony charges" for trying to get a protective order for parenting time exchanges and for trying to just exercise my parenting time ... with conversion, for having papers relating to him exchanging our jointly titled vehicle for one titled solely in his name (before divorce and the trade had plenty of equity) and refused to do anything regarding my requesting mine be returned. The judge we had came from the same law firm, so my assumption is that of course, that attorney will be "credible" over me!
And by the time a person learns there IS NO WAY to "reason" or "compromise" with the ex-partner ... well, most of us don't have the money and the time to give the Court a chance to catch up with us, in terms of what we now KNOW.
I think I read in a few places the percentage of "high conflict" divorces ... somewhere between 3% and 10%, supposedly. And of course, attorneys (generally) tend to make things "adversarial" even if they are not. I just can't see how ANYONE can think such a system is good for anyone, particularly our children ...
... and yikes! My life has been "on hold" almost 4 years (longer, but due to him and his divorce). Yet I still get people who think I am "making out" getting "free rent". Apparently not getting that it is of no benefit ... I cannot redevelop a career (or even get a really decently paying job) here, in the middle of nowhere. Especially with unreliable transportation and the clown show always rearing its head.
Hugs to you and prayers too! I wonder if it really is just people not "thinking" and using a comparison base of "normal", in which case I can sort of understand why it'd be turned against us ... I know I would likely have a hard time believing, if I hadn't lived it! :-)