Narcissist Trauma Survival and Recovery Community Group
Support for those anyone who is or has been in a relationship with a narcissist. Together we are much stronger than any of us would be alone. A place for non-judgemental mutial support, advice, and comfort.
Hi. I've been exhausted lately so been scarce. My father died April 26. The house is up for Sheriff sale July 22 and oldest starts lease August 16. Last few months have been extremely rough.
I've been carrying about half the expenses for my youngest to stay in her apartment. It's made it hard to get through the month. I've been getting things together to sell and sold gift cards last week, which allowed me to get groceries and gas, etc. Obviously have no money saved. It's painful because the Court orders might as well not even exist. I could get a couple hundred a month for her to have (it's back support he was Court ordered to return in 2011) but nobody seems to have a clue and I haven't had time to find the information.
She is working but her job doesn't pay enough to cover all, and she had to make up the past rent. I've pretty much gotten used to the fact that nothing I do for the moment is going to go anywhere. Hurts but that is what it is for now. I can't blame her for leaving or being in this mess because her father is the one who scared her out of the house in order that he could quit paying the mortgage. I have been through his terrorization, have 27 years of experience over hers and didn't grow up with this behavior as my "normal". It broke me in past and I have been concerned for both girls at various times. But she should have had this past year to save money, work on school etc with some peace.
Instead, it turned into having to pay for an apartment she couldn't live in for months, with student loan money, because her car was broken down. She had to wait for the next round to get the repairs done. Since my settlement is eliminated, she will still have to contend with ruined credit and possibly, garnishment. I have a hard time trying to deal with all ... how is a 20 year old supposed to deal with/explain? She is looking for a better or second job, too and has paid me back in past as best she has been able.
I stupidly said something yesterday that hit her all wrong and she has been on the warpath since. I told her that sometimes I feared that her father was still manipulating (because he knows I am not going to let her be thrown out on street due to circumstances beyond her control). We had been talking about that and no matter how I had tried to explain I was not saying that SHE was "using" me, that is what she heard. I KNOW how touchy the whole thing is ... I feel like a POS because things are what they are. Logically, I know my feelings don't comprise reality, but it still hurts. It hurts to know that "professional" judgment at the beginning was wrong and all has followed on the heels of error.
I finally told her that I was and am doing best I can and that I love her, though not perfect at it. She keeps insisting that I am not telling her "what she needs to hear" and I can't guess at that, and told her so. I'm frayed and tired and I guess I am angry, too. She wouldn't be dealing with what she is if other people were doing their jobs ... and correctly, at that. I've reached out for help .. what a joke. It's all a waste of time and phone minutes! All I can think is "one more month".
I'm guessing that what I said triggered her and she's not in a rational state. I'm too tired myself to come up with clever ideas. There doesn't seem much point in trying, but I keep waking up. Today with a raging headache threatening to return (it went away for a while).
Has anyone ever done a fund raiser? They sell chickens here and have dinners, auctions and stuff ... I don't know how or who ... I am going to continue working on selling what I can. I know it is "normal" maybe to have a divorce and Court orders not followed, but I do not *think* it is normal to have someone refuse to follow any and actively work on destroying the other person. The situation is just hard and it has taken a great deal to ask for help ... especially with "no response" from the official channels.
Any thoughts?
I've been carrying about half the expenses for my youngest to stay in her apartment. It's made it hard to get through the month. I've been getting things together to sell and sold gift cards last week, which allowed me to get groceries and gas, etc. Obviously have no money saved. It's painful because the Court orders might as well not even exist. I could get a couple hundred a month for her to have (it's back support he was Court ordered to return in 2011) but nobody seems to have a clue and I haven't had time to find the information.
She is working but her job doesn't pay enough to cover all, and she had to make up the past rent. I've pretty much gotten used to the fact that nothing I do for the moment is going to go anywhere. Hurts but that is what it is for now. I can't blame her for leaving or being in this mess because her father is the one who scared her out of the house in order that he could quit paying the mortgage. I have been through his terrorization, have 27 years of experience over hers and didn't grow up with this behavior as my "normal". It broke me in past and I have been concerned for both girls at various times. But she should have had this past year to save money, work on school etc with some peace.
Instead, it turned into having to pay for an apartment she couldn't live in for months, with student loan money, because her car was broken down. She had to wait for the next round to get the repairs done. Since my settlement is eliminated, she will still have to contend with ruined credit and possibly, garnishment. I have a hard time trying to deal with all ... how is a 20 year old supposed to deal with/explain? She is looking for a better or second job, too and has paid me back in past as best she has been able.
I stupidly said something yesterday that hit her all wrong and she has been on the warpath since. I told her that sometimes I feared that her father was still manipulating (because he knows I am not going to let her be thrown out on street due to circumstances beyond her control). We had been talking about that and no matter how I had tried to explain I was not saying that SHE was "using" me, that is what she heard. I KNOW how touchy the whole thing is ... I feel like a POS because things are what they are. Logically, I know my feelings don't comprise reality, but it still hurts. It hurts to know that "professional" judgment at the beginning was wrong and all has followed on the heels of error.
I finally told her that I was and am doing best I can and that I love her, though not perfect at it. She keeps insisting that I am not telling her "what she needs to hear" and I can't guess at that, and told her so. I'm frayed and tired and I guess I am angry, too. She wouldn't be dealing with what she is if other people were doing their jobs ... and correctly, at that. I've reached out for help .. what a joke. It's all a waste of time and phone minutes! All I can think is "one more month".
I'm guessing that what I said triggered her and she's not in a rational state. I'm too tired myself to come up with clever ideas. There doesn't seem much point in trying, but I keep waking up. Today with a raging headache threatening to return (it went away for a while).
Has anyone ever done a fund raiser? They sell chickens here and have dinners, auctions and stuff ... I don't know how or who ... I am going to continue working on selling what I can. I know it is "normal" maybe to have a divorce and Court orders not followed, but I do not *think* it is normal to have someone refuse to follow any and actively work on destroying the other person. The situation is just hard and it has taken a great deal to ask for help ... especially with "no response" from the official channels.
Any thoughts?
I've been the Loonie Auction aka Dollar Auction and it was fun. You sell tickets for a buck and then people put their ticket(s) in a bucket to be drawn for each item. The ticket drawn is the winner. When the item is up for auction, the auctioneer plays to crowd, etc... to get as many tickets into the bucket as possible for the Draw.
Hope this helps!
I don't think she is "trying" to use me; I have offered money to make sure she is okay (we are forty miles apart) and she has declined or taken less. I think she knows things are tough for me, too though I try not to dwell on it.
I feel like I just want to "fall apart" sometimes and I know that they are (my daughters) still dealing with a lot of trauma ... especially as he and relatives made me out to be the real louse while they were growing up. She seems to be more capable of talking and dealing with some of that and I have encouraged her to, when she opens up first.
I remember when I came back and for years after, she would sometimes do a sort of "baby talk" at times with me. other times, very grown up. And that is how she handled the time we were divorced, by being mature and responsible. She sort of let go of that after I came back. I haven't heard the baby talk either for a while. But am guessing there is a very hurt and scared girl underneath her tough veneer. I went through a lot with my oldest, but it was different. I guess I am sort of scared. I love her but sometimes I am tired and need more strength than I have. Your words give me hope that "just keep going". I know she NEEDS to be independent, of both of us; it hurts that he would wage war on even their lives. And apparently nothing I can do to make it stop
I sort of thought about this as a way of possibly putting a wedge in between again, too. Maybe I give him more credit than is due. Just easy to see where it could go wrong, mostly through fatigue and misunderstanding. As hard as things are, I think I made the right choice. To stay, I mean. Oh, I just miss financial stability! But after the oldest is gone, things should lighten up a bit.
I will think what I have. He left a bicycle behind that is still boxed it is sort of a rare one ... so will see if I can do something with it. I have a lot of craft stuff and people have been coming out of the woodwork for that. This time has been so crazy I haven't had a chance to get pictures and post. But that should help.
And I don't think I have been on here since my father passed away. I'm sad on one hand that I couldn't be there. But I am glad for the memories and our last conversation. He asked me why I called; I told him because I love you, Dad. We talked and then he wanted to "hear more". So I started with my childhood and ended up with the most recent memories of how he had made me feel loved and given me that capacity. He was not perfect and I believe I got to watch him "grow up" at times too. But our relationship ... we could disagree but still respect the other's position ... and I think I got most of the childhood baggage out of me in regard to him. My only regret is that this mess had prevented my doing some of the things I wanted for him (and his wife). Don't know if I ever mentioned it, but my Dad helped me deliver Sunday newspapers when I was 12 or 13. He wouldn't let me take the route at first 'cause he thought I wouldn't stick with it. It was -25 that Sunday and the car wouldn't even start. My father taught me (I can still hear it) "there's no such thing as can't". Pretty sure that's where the gumption comes from :-)