Narcissist Trauma Survival and Recovery Community Group
Support for those anyone who is or has been in a relationship with a narcissist. Together we are much stronger than any of us would be alone. A place for non-judgemental mutial support, advice, and comfort.
Hi ... I started to catch up and I see two posts with POF ... been stressed lately, but I can't figure out what that is ... so hoping to be enlightened! :-)
Anyway, the latest drama started ... my daughter, as some of you may remember, went off to college last fall ... withdrew ... and I didn't hear much from her for a while. Before Thanksgiving, she called to tell me she''d been staying with her aunt (ex's sister) and her husband ... had been told "not to tell mom". To make a long story shorter, she learned A LOT. Her aunt took off with some other guy, she was thrown out by her "uncle" ... and we had a few rough patches. But she has been home, just finished the semester at community college with all A's and B's!
Yesterday, she and her boyfriend received voice mails from the sheriff's office down there ... they are being accused of stealing a $20,000 pocket watch. She has been having near panic attacks over it. Personally, I don't believe such a thing existed, and anyone fool enough to leave it lying around, accessible to being picked up and made off with ... I have been trying to keep her calm, pointing out all the obvious. I am going to call the sheriff as well, as they are wanting them to drive something like 150 miles for questioning. If there IS such a watch, it ought to be insured .... obviously. SO there should be some proof of it even existing. Plus, I have access to her banking records and it has been patently obvious to me that neither she nor her boyfriend have had extra cash.
Also, this daughter asked her father to go with her for some counseling a couple weeks ago ... he not only refused,. but apparently tore off in a rage, leaving her at her grandmother's. Speaking of whom, daughter was told a few days ago that we (she) can no longer use the lawn mower (ours is broken; ex sold our riding mower for cash he kept LONG AGO) ... so the house is for sale, but the yard starting to look ratty. I'm hoping maybe I can get someone to help me fix it or get it fixed cheaply; the spring came undone but I can't get tension back in the cord that you pull to start it.
The pastor who propositioned me last year stopped by and I said something about needing help; I am just about to the point of writing a letter DETAILING why I will not attend there. My children were snatched by a previous pastor, who also helped infringe on my civil rights getting violated and my being terrorized. I received a letter telling me I was no longer welcome to be a member because I wasn't attending regularly (after divorce) and apparently, God is impotent (NOT!) without my presence for voting ... which is only like 4x year, anyway. I called and kept in touch with people, only one person responded back .... and since the "turn-down" and then yesterday, basically being told that "God will do it" either now or in eternity, well I think I have more balls than any of the leaders ... nobody would speak to ex, who WAS a member of their "flock" and see what he turned out to be ... and why do I now have the feeling that I would have to "pay with my body" for some piddly help which I wouldn't normally need .... whatever ... I had to gripe ... God isn't impotent ... or I wouldn't have gotten this far ... but maybe THEIR "god" (social christianity) IS. Anyway, I don't think everyone there is like that, but I am not going to go in and cry to the congregation at large.
The church that helped me with my car (which now has a misfiring piston, but I need seals for the spark plug tubes, since I went to change THEM and there is oil in the tubes ... sigh ... it never ends!).
Got a message from a reliable source that ex is going to seek to throw me out as my protective order is set to expire in June ... someone told me that it is "automatically" extended while he is on probation for violating it ... don't know about that ... but had trouble finding the forms to do it ... so just going to go to the Court and find out ...
He FINALLY paid $58 toward the $5,000 plus he's owed for 2 years; figured that is so he can "look good" prior to the "throw out".
Oh, yeah ... one more person came to look at the house .... I woke up our daughters so we could leave and do some tidying up, gad, what a disaster. for some reason, my youngest had a breakdown and started throwing stuff all over the house (including water, all over the kitchen) and screaming her head off. I ended up breaking down crying ... worst day I've had since Thanksgiving ... and crying some more.
Oh, and did I mention ... he added himself to the car insurance again a couple weeks before it was all scheduled to be taken out of MY bank account ... I checked today and he has still not made a payment on it. I had to change it to monthly payment, so the cost increased too, by $80. When I spoke with the agent, I found out he also changed the mailing address to his P.O. box. So cash is VERY tight for the moment, but other than continual stress and uncertainty, life isn't "bad". It could be a lot better, though, for sure!! :-)
And last but not least, my phone somehow made it into the washer and through the dryer ... BROKEN. But I found a very nice replacement on eBay today for $15; it was $50 dollars in all the stores and $30 from the phone company for a refurbished model. It will have triple minutes and that will pay for its cost fairly quickly. I still don't know how it got in there; I never put it in my clothing pockets, it's bad enough in my purse ... dialing people or hooking up to the internet ... and I hate having to do that "lock" thing every time I turn around.
Feeling overwhelmed lately, so haven't been here as much, but I decided to try to catch up a little and see what is going on with everyone else. Plus, I find it often cheers me a little to be encouraging, particularly when I know there is reason to be .... sometimes I don't feel it or remember it ... but I know my life got better before ... oh, that reminds me
... I know I have encouraged people to check out the Courts or look at some divorces done by an attorney they may be considering ... I was spending some time looking at appellate decisions (appeals) and found that I have been sorely misled over the years ... as when I was told there was "no chance" of getting a custody change, etc. I have not found an EASY way to search through Court cases, but I DO KNOW that case law in one state (a decision, for example, that is "for publication") can affect what can be done in most ANY STATE ... but seriously, and I know if you are in the midst of turmoil, it may not be what you "want" to do, you may not have a lot of time, either, if you are working and have children, but DO YOUR BEST to check out some cases ... appellate cases are likely accessible through your state web site ... or go in and watch proceedings one afternoon or two ... and jot down names of the lawyers, etc ... you can likely see the Court calendar on-line and watch an attorney you might be thinking of, at work ... or see how the judge assigned to your case rules. It might make things LESS stressful; if not, at least you will have an idea of how to prepare. Hope my losses and learning can be to someone's advantage ....
Anyway, the latest drama started ... my daughter, as some of you may remember, went off to college last fall ... withdrew ... and I didn't hear much from her for a while. Before Thanksgiving, she called to tell me she''d been staying with her aunt (ex's sister) and her husband ... had been told "not to tell mom". To make a long story shorter, she learned A LOT. Her aunt took off with some other guy, she was thrown out by her "uncle" ... and we had a few rough patches. But she has been home, just finished the semester at community college with all A's and B's!
Yesterday, she and her boyfriend received voice mails from the sheriff's office down there ... they are being accused of stealing a $20,000 pocket watch. She has been having near panic attacks over it. Personally, I don't believe such a thing existed, and anyone fool enough to leave it lying around, accessible to being picked up and made off with ... I have been trying to keep her calm, pointing out all the obvious. I am going to call the sheriff as well, as they are wanting them to drive something like 150 miles for questioning. If there IS such a watch, it ought to be insured .... obviously. SO there should be some proof of it even existing. Plus, I have access to her banking records and it has been patently obvious to me that neither she nor her boyfriend have had extra cash.
Also, this daughter asked her father to go with her for some counseling a couple weeks ago ... he not only refused,. but apparently tore off in a rage, leaving her at her grandmother's. Speaking of whom, daughter was told a few days ago that we (she) can no longer use the lawn mower (ours is broken; ex sold our riding mower for cash he kept LONG AGO) ... so the house is for sale, but the yard starting to look ratty. I'm hoping maybe I can get someone to help me fix it or get it fixed cheaply; the spring came undone but I can't get tension back in the cord that you pull to start it.
The pastor who propositioned me last year stopped by and I said something about needing help; I am just about to the point of writing a letter DETAILING why I will not attend there. My children were snatched by a previous pastor, who also helped infringe on my civil rights getting violated and my being terrorized. I received a letter telling me I was no longer welcome to be a member because I wasn't attending regularly (after divorce) and apparently, God is impotent (NOT!) without my presence for voting ... which is only like 4x year, anyway. I called and kept in touch with people, only one person responded back .... and since the "turn-down" and then yesterday, basically being told that "God will do it" either now or in eternity, well I think I have more balls than any of the leaders ... nobody would speak to ex, who WAS a member of their "flock" and see what he turned out to be ... and why do I now have the feeling that I would have to "pay with my body" for some piddly help which I wouldn't normally need .... whatever ... I had to gripe ... God isn't impotent ... or I wouldn't have gotten this far ... but maybe THEIR "god" (social christianity) IS. Anyway, I don't think everyone there is like that, but I am not going to go in and cry to the congregation at large.
The church that helped me with my car (which now has a misfiring piston, but I need seals for the spark plug tubes, since I went to change THEM and there is oil in the tubes ... sigh ... it never ends!).
Got a message from a reliable source that ex is going to seek to throw me out as my protective order is set to expire in June ... someone told me that it is "automatically" extended while he is on probation for violating it ... don't know about that ... but had trouble finding the forms to do it ... so just going to go to the Court and find out ...
He FINALLY paid $58 toward the $5,000 plus he's owed for 2 years; figured that is so he can "look good" prior to the "throw out".
Oh, yeah ... one more person came to look at the house .... I woke up our daughters so we could leave and do some tidying up, gad, what a disaster. for some reason, my youngest had a breakdown and started throwing stuff all over the house (including water, all over the kitchen) and screaming her head off. I ended up breaking down crying ... worst day I've had since Thanksgiving ... and crying some more.
Oh, and did I mention ... he added himself to the car insurance again a couple weeks before it was all scheduled to be taken out of MY bank account ... I checked today and he has still not made a payment on it. I had to change it to monthly payment, so the cost increased too, by $80. When I spoke with the agent, I found out he also changed the mailing address to his P.O. box. So cash is VERY tight for the moment, but other than continual stress and uncertainty, life isn't "bad". It could be a lot better, though, for sure!! :-)
And last but not least, my phone somehow made it into the washer and through the dryer ... BROKEN. But I found a very nice replacement on eBay today for $15; it was $50 dollars in all the stores and $30 from the phone company for a refurbished model. It will have triple minutes and that will pay for its cost fairly quickly. I still don't know how it got in there; I never put it in my clothing pockets, it's bad enough in my purse ... dialing people or hooking up to the internet ... and I hate having to do that "lock" thing every time I turn around.
Feeling overwhelmed lately, so haven't been here as much, but I decided to try to catch up a little and see what is going on with everyone else. Plus, I find it often cheers me a little to be encouraging, particularly when I know there is reason to be .... sometimes I don't feel it or remember it ... but I know my life got better before ... oh, that reminds me
... I know I have encouraged people to check out the Courts or look at some divorces done by an attorney they may be considering ... I was spending some time looking at appellate decisions (appeals) and found that I have been sorely misled over the years ... as when I was told there was "no chance" of getting a custody change, etc. I have not found an EASY way to search through Court cases, but I DO KNOW that case law in one state (a decision, for example, that is "for publication") can affect what can be done in most ANY STATE ... but seriously, and I know if you are in the midst of turmoil, it may not be what you "want" to do, you may not have a lot of time, either, if you are working and have children, but DO YOUR BEST to check out some cases ... appellate cases are likely accessible through your state web site ... or go in and watch proceedings one afternoon or two ... and jot down names of the lawyers, etc ... you can likely see the Court calendar on-line and watch an attorney you might be thinking of, at work ... or see how the judge assigned to your case rules. It might make things LESS stressful; if not, at least you will have an idea of how to prepare. Hope my losses and learning can be to someone's advantage ....
I know that the ex could never add hisself to any of my accounts. I hope the house sells and you all can find a good place to live.
Sorry to hear about all your current trauma. When it rains it pours, and you are way overdue for a long sunny spell. You are superwomen to have held it all together this long. Try not to take too much of your daughters' issues onto yourself. . . . I know, near impossible for a mother to not rush in to try to fix everything. Still, you are already overburdened . . . the least they can do is to support you in your efforts to try to make the house presentable for sale. As for the pocketwatch issues, have your daughter call your local sheriff and see if the whole thing is legit. Has she received some sort of official paperwork .. . or just phone calls from afar. She could ask the local sheriff if it is customary to ask someone to travel back to another state for questioning. I can't believe it would be. And, asking for her to come voluntarily is not the same as trying to make her go there. If the whole thing is on the up and up . .. why can't that sheriff ask your local sheriff to question her for him? I agree with you . . . first they need to prove there really was a watch in the first place. Don't take this on yourself. Advice her how to proceed, but make her do the footwork. She needs the experience and you need the rest. Hugs, dear. And keep us updated . .. hope someone has some ideas to help you. We do care. You have been such a support to everyone here. Peace.
Just checking back in and am seeing your updates. My daughter also had problems after 1st semester at college, and they've taken their toll on her and me, but she's gotten back on track, so it does happen.
On the car insurance issue, check with the insurance broker/company. This may be illegal activity. My ex did this to my phone account and I was asked if I wanted to file a police report. This may give you some leverage at least, to deal with him.
Since he added himself after (well after) the divorce, changed the mailing address AND lost the discount for paying in full (since he dumped the utilities on me in January, as well) ... he must have had insurance previously, since he's had the car since well before he added himself back on ... but I CAN show he has NOT made a payment on it ... to date ... maybe I can find out who his probation officer is and route the info through there? Especially since his last "known" address is "next door" (though he uses a PO Box) but we have not seen his car there ... well, for months ... and I told the company that's where (I thought) he was living ... I know the probation office is supposed to have his address ...
We have not heard anymore on the pocket watch (I knew that was bogus) so my daughter has settled down, thank goodness. Hopefully, it has become another lesson on having N relatives ... nightmare ... Easy to forget I had them both (daughters) on my case, throwing things and more, that first year, thanks to His Royal Nness. And now things are not perfect, but a lot smoother and cooperative!
And I thank you all ... hoping to get the spring or the part this week and mow away ... the weed whip doesn't get it done too fast LOL!
Jump now to last week, in the midst of everything else going on. N's insurance comes in my mail with my name on it also, addressed to both of us. My name is back on his policy, not my car.... but my name on his policy.
Funny thing is I am no longer with that company, found a new one. but now I am back to square one with just one more thing.
Anyway, I am starting to get in dadda.. and cinnamon, even the best laid plans come back to slap you in the face...