Narcissist Trauma Survival and Recovery Community Group
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This is a difficult subject for me to discuss. The issues of confidentiality vs ethical obligation, and being acutely aware that I need to be careful regarding my motivations, and my desire to not have anymore involvement with such a horrendous and toxic saga.
I've shared periodically in this forum, and although I've been fairly open regarding the whole mess, I've definitely sanitised or withheld the extent of the horror that it can be dealing with a N, as I'm sure most of you here have also done.
So, both my exN and myself are HIV positive. This was definitely one of the initial factors that linked me into the possibility of a relationship with him. The hope of being with someone that's on the same page,understanding of this specific condition and the modifications one makes in life living with this condition.
It became obvious to me fairly quickly that exN was not managing his condition, health becomes a fairly rigid routine for functional positive people. I enjoy good health, which I have worked at over the years, and I am open socially re my status, and am very aware of safety. It became apparent that exN has a high viral load and severely compromised immune system as a result of drug and alcohol abuse, denial, and the general magical thinking that we are all familiar with from Ns. Much of my time with him was spent trying to facilitate his management.of his condition, for which he still uses cancer as a descriptor. I now am sure he does this partially at least because he has unsafe sex with his many conquests.
This is my concern. There have been several people, that I know of, that have put themselves at risk sexually with him, and while they have disclosed to me because they have been shocked at his general abusive behaviour, they have no idea of his status at all.
It is illegal and unethical for me to disclose another's status however, it is illegal and potentially incredibly damaging for him to not disclose and be unsafe. I did have one situation while I was with him that took me to a sexual health clinic, after I suspected I'd been drugged by him with an anti anxiety medication he was taking and messed with in my sleep. He is capable of anything.
I guess that's always the fear, that I've escaped a monster that is very probably causing even more oppressive misery to others.
I do not want to feel like the person that covered their own ass while allowing others to get hit by this messy wreck of a man.
I've shared periodically in this forum, and although I've been fairly open regarding the whole mess, I've definitely sanitised or withheld the extent of the horror that it can be dealing with a N, as I'm sure most of you here have also done.
So, both my exN and myself are HIV positive. This was definitely one of the initial factors that linked me into the possibility of a relationship with him. The hope of being with someone that's on the same page,understanding of this specific condition and the modifications one makes in life living with this condition.
It became obvious to me fairly quickly that exN was not managing his condition, health becomes a fairly rigid routine for functional positive people. I enjoy good health, which I have worked at over the years, and I am open socially re my status, and am very aware of safety. It became apparent that exN has a high viral load and severely compromised immune system as a result of drug and alcohol abuse, denial, and the general magical thinking that we are all familiar with from Ns. Much of my time with him was spent trying to facilitate his management.of his condition, for which he still uses cancer as a descriptor. I now am sure he does this partially at least because he has unsafe sex with his many conquests.
This is my concern. There have been several people, that I know of, that have put themselves at risk sexually with him, and while they have disclosed to me because they have been shocked at his general abusive behaviour, they have no idea of his status at all.
It is illegal and unethical for me to disclose another's status however, it is illegal and potentially incredibly damaging for him to not disclose and be unsafe. I did have one situation while I was with him that took me to a sexual health clinic, after I suspected I'd been drugged by him with an anti anxiety medication he was taking and messed with in my sleep. He is capable of anything.
I guess that's always the fear, that I've escaped a monster that is very probably causing even more oppressive misery to others.
I do not want to feel like the person that covered their own ass while allowing others to get hit by this messy wreck of a man.
this is s touchy subject for me, as in the past I have had an acquaintance who was involved with a man who did not disclose. Anyway, he did this with many women and infected a few. .
I believe that he is in jail with premeditated murder??? Don't quote me on this, but I think you have a right to tell these people what he is doing. If nothing else if you are open about it you can say "We were together for xxx amount of time, we had unprotected sex and I am HIV+..
So happy that you are thriving!!
It's important for me as an out positive man to let people know that it is just as important for my safety and health to have safe sex as it is for others regardless of their status.
So I'm not really willing to ruin my reputation in order to implicate him. It's a pride thing.
I have reported his behaviour to sexual health services when I was tested during my time with him, and they keep a record in case his name comes up with any other cases. So I guess it's just a matter of having it on record just like all the other abuse.
I am glad you're staying healthy and are away from him now.
So I just want to commend you, 'cause it's often hard these days to have integrity. I don't know that you should ever feel guilty about knowing and not speaking up in specific, because if people are adults, they do need to be using their brain ... I can't think anyone doesn't know at least something about STDs these days. But I suppose there would be nothing stopping you from using your own experience or just general knowledge to start conversations about the subject with others. Because you can always say, "I know somebody who," which could refer to yourself or anyone ... but it sometimes seems people do have to learn the hard way. But there are some folks who prefer to learn or be reminded vicariously ... I try to be in that group and honestly, I like the fact that there ARE people who care enough about others to speak up and I prefer people I count as friends to be like that, even if it's not "what I want to hear".