Here's my story and experiences, and it relates to some of what you wrote about.

I was the second marriage for him....He was also my second marriage, which means, he had kids, that were grown and he had grandchildren, and I had two daughters that were married and was on my way to having grandchildren. We were married and 3 weeks later, I was 50 years old. One of my daughters threw me a party for that grand year. We were married only 3 weeks when the party happened. And at that party my gift from my daughter was hearing that I was indeed going to be a grandmother for the first time. He knew about this announcement way before I did. He knew actually they day we got married.

The only person that didn't give me a gift was HIM. And after the party, I asked him why this was so. He said, "Would my gift be better than the one that your daughter gave you?" There is was. His gift wouldn't be number one in his eyes. The jealousy that something was coming that would take my attention off of him. And when my grand-daughter was born....it was holy hell from that day on. She is now 14 years old. Everytime I babysat her, there was a fight. Silent treatments, and my poor baby's girl was constantly brought up when we were in any kind of discussion...."Go to your precious.......... You know what I mean.

And yes the words, "You've changed" It continued with each grandchild that was born. I now have four.

Every Thursday I babysat since I was off from work. He was working, so what did it matter. And when he came home, they were gone an hour later. Every Thursday, he wanted to know why I didn't do something special for him on my day off. It was insane. We had 6 other days of the week together, but that didn't count. I had to be asked to give them up, to be with him, because only Thursdays were important.

So I could see how your "N" is saying the things that he is saying....His poor ex wife...she was just being a mother. A life depended on her. What did he expect? Why couldn't he make his child his world too. Because they don't have it in them, to do that.!!!!!

You were sick and he asked you to work. Because another employee was sick and that was the important thing here. Honey, I had cancer, and four operations, and he never once took me to the hospital, or brought me home. He either was in the middle of giving me the silent treatment over the last arguement we had, or he was working and give up $250 a day, oh no, that would never happen. Why one time, he asked why I couldn't take a cab to have a hysterectomy so he didn't give up a day's work. Money is very important to him. Not that he ever spent it on me, but oh the fancy cars he bought for himself every two years, would blow your mind. Meanwhile I drove an 11 year old car for years.

No when I got a new car for me....when I divorced him. Not even a oil change did he pay for.

By the way he has moved on and is on his new supply. They go out dancing, see the fireworks which I begged for 13 years to do, he has her friends from her job at his house for dinners and barbecues while my family never came to my house and FRIENDS.....oh god, no one wanted to step in our house.

I begged for a dog for 10 years, until finally I had to purchase a Maltese myself. Guess what? he now has his own Maltese and his lady friend brings and is allowed to bring her two Pomerians for days at a time.

Honey, I don't know what to tell you. You are going to spend years, trying to figure him out. You are going to cry a river of tears. Is this worth it to you? Living with them is terrible, being hurt is unbearable, leaving them is painful because we usually still love them, but without them, no one is going to tell you lies, treat you with disrespect again. Think about it.

Hmmm, thank you for the reply, I have been mulling over your response. You hit a chord with me.
He really had no idea what I meant when I said I felt he was uncaring to make me work when I was ill. I know he didn't ;make' me as such but if I hadn't there would be hell to pay as I am sure you can understand! He is very good at tit-for-tat. I felt obliged to help out with it being a family firm and all that.

There are so many things, no access to the family finance ( i get an allowance!) ( if I am good obviously!!!)
I have been saving since I met him, slowly , very slowly.

I feel he is very broken inside. I suppose as a Co-D person myself this attracted him to me! But he lives in his own bubble.
We have this ongoing thing about sending texts, although he spends all day with his mobile glued to his hand he never sends me any messages. I send him the odd little cute message but get no response. sooner or later I won't bother, then sooner or later I won't bother to sleep with him…then on it goes.

There is the odd beautiful intense honesty, but it clearly scares him as he is then horrible to me ( well my interpretation anyway. ) Its like I get too close and so he shoves me away - or is it a treat I don't know.
I am reluctant to walk away from this relationship as we have only been married and together 2 years, we dated for 6 months!, so I consider this a work in progress.

I have learnt to not spend my energy on analysing him.
With his behaviour reflected in your ex I wonder what will happen! He is certainly very happy when we are alone. I am starting my own business in Feb 2015 so I wonder how this will affect things.?!
I think I know.

He already tries to make me late for every appointment ( usually with love bombing) or convince me not to go at all, but I see him now and I don't let it!

I don't know why I felt the need to splurge this all out there, I am happy to hear you are doing well Crazy. I too would love a pet . I had to rehome 2 cats when I moved in with him. He never flinched when he asked me to do this. Me and my girls loved those crazy cats.

xxx

Sunnyjax,
No matter how you slice it, you are bending and conforming to fit in his world. Which is exactly what they think people should do. What are you getting in return? Don't get me wrong, I understand the desire to make things work. I did the same, or tried, during my short stint with the N. I decided to try and not have any expectations because I was tired of being disappointed. I tried to just take it day by day. I told myself that the way he acted one day had nothing to do with how he might act the next. I tried to think like he did where behaviors and events did not link together and nothing meant anything - unless of course it benefitted him. But people don't live that way and your texting cycle proves it. You have an expectation that he text you at least occasionally or at least respond to your messages but he doesn't. You then respond by not sleeping with him. His behavior effects your output of affection toward him. I bet if you told him why you don't sleep with him he wouldn't get it because they don't see how the way they treat people is connected to what they receive from people. They expect to receive no matter what. When in the "let's be friends" stage with N, I wouldn't hear from him for weeks. We didn't talk occasionally the way friends do or do anything together. He never made good on any promise or invitation made earlier (usually after I did something for him). Every so often I would send a text and get no response and then low and behold when he needed a favor he would call and text non-stop until I responded or when he was upset and lonely he would call over and over at all times of the night. It never dawned on him that maybe I wouldn't be there for him even though he was never there for me. He also had no problem telling people what they needed to do in order to be with him. I remember early on he would tell me how others before me spoiled him and that he was used to that. Believe me he did not live by "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." No, he expected to receive and give nothing in return. Who died and made him King? It's no way to live.

I thick the thing that most baffles me is his inability to empathise. To understand that as I was ill I wouldn't want to work that day. To understand that living far away from my family makes me sad. That giving up my career to be available for him, doesn't make me feel good either. He just seems so oblivious to any emotional responses I may have to things he does or tells me. I just cannot comprehend his lack of comprehension of basic human emotions!

I shouldn't have turned my life upside down for him. I did because I chose to but at the time I was in the dug of being his everything!

jeeez, well at least I can now smell the coffee!
xxx

It is baffling indeed. But it's not a puzzle for anyone to solve. I know at least in my situation it was so confusing because he seemed so in touch with his own pain how could he not see pain in others and feel for them but he didn't. He was only interested in his own pain and getting sympathy for himself. I had cat for 18 yrs. The first time he was at my house and saw how she was with me he commented that my cat loved me to death. After that when he came over he always petted and played with her. I loved her - she wasn't just a pet to me. Out of friends, family, relationships, jobs, homes, she was the one constant thing in my life for 18 yrs. Last year she became ill and after one week of medications and exams she was diagnosed with cancer and I had to put her down. I had to put her down the same day I was told she had cancer - it was in her intestines and she was very ill. At 18 yrs I knew she had already lived longer than most and had been very healthy. But it didn't make that day any easier.

I remember telling N about it that day. All I got was a text that said, "sorry." There were no follow up calls to see how I was and even though we live in the same neighborhood he didn't offer to come by or anything like that. Thankfully, I have lots of other friends and even those I was not that close to called, texted, offered to take me out, offered condolences and vowed to be there for me if I needed anything. That was yet another eye opener for me - a window into Ns empty soul. I thought of all the nights I sat with him while he was going through his depression cycle and I tried to be sympathetic and encouraging. But when I had pain - NOTHING. We didn't talk for about a month. That prompted me to tell him exactly what I thought about our "friendship." He said a lot of ridiculous things in response but the one that stuck out was that he wasn't sure if it was because my cat died or what but I seemed to be in a bad mood and that wasn't fun for him. That was it - that's when I realized that this person is not normal. This person is not a friend. I am giving everything and getting nothing. This person makes me feel anxious, angry, sad, off my game, and never happy. This person does not appreciate or respect me and it will not get better. They will not change.

my N always speaks to me ( and everyone) as if they are 5. His children say they won't do anything with him as he always makes them feel stupid. He always states the obvious too. Like really obvious! Like when someone ran past us after work, I said oooI wonder why Lorraines in a hurry?! ( which to me means - does she have an appointment or something) he replies ' well she's obviously needs to leave quickly.
eh!

oh anyway, I shouldn't be giving his weirdness the time of day let along writing about it.
Its good we are all aware of these things now. I know this won't last forever. I just love the way he holds me, but I know theres nothing he gives me I couldn't give myself.

as for our sexlife…well……!!!

i really feel your struggle.......right now....

it's so hard to understand a lack of empathy... i have this with the kids i work with. one of them especially. it's not his fault. it's b/c he's probably very high on the spectrum. he IS oblivious to how others around him.

it's really hard when someone we love seems seemingly able to relate to us on every level but don't have empathy or can't take responsibility for themselves or blame everything on someone else...

what would you do if you were certain he can never and will never change and THAT has absolutely nothing to do with you??? it's because he's incapable....... would you feel more compassion???? would that influence or impact your decision to stay or go???

sex life with a N is awful as far as my experience goes...ugh..
so one sided.

but Finn, its all about sex with him.
You know how I struggle with him! Its just baffling. It has taken him 2 years to 'learn' how to satisfy me in bed, even briefly , he just didn't get it at all. If course when we met he led me to believe he was a super-stud! I was amazed how clueless he was. He manages to run a successful business but has a fab office manager who he relies upon. As someone who works for him says, he isn't what he seems! With his big Mercedes and fancy clothes he comes across as successful but has a string of disasters behind him he feels no remorse for. just now he has confessed to being heavily in debt, over 70k £ from just stupid overspending and living a lifestyle he really can't fund. He seems oblivious to this too.

Maybe he's just thick?! Funny how his exes thought he was on the spectrum hmmmm!!!

I know I am guilty of thinking about this when I really shouldn't be giving this my energy. But I am married to him. I like his company sometimes when we are alone and doing what he wants. I too am at fault for not expressing my needs in clear terms so he understands what I want. I get frustrated by his lack of understanding, of basic things. Oh I don't know. Here I am anyway. I await the personal growth I need to make to give me clarity.

Sunnyjax,
Something tells me if you started expressing your wants and needs he'd run for the hills. She you say he doesn't get it you are right. He may throw you crumbs to keep you hoping and keep you there but he's pretending and is really only interested in continuing to receive what you give him. He portrays the image of success and stability but now you know better. It's not an image, it's a mirage.

ooo mirage, I like that. Yes if I do stand up for myself he just blanks me. So our marriage would end up with us living separate lives like his last 3 did! I can see it so clearly these days.
I think the first indicator was when we had a house-warming dinner for all our family. Now I was run ragged putting this dinner together for 22 people. I was in and out of the kitchen. What did he do - bet you know - he just sat there. I tried to catch his eye to smile and say wow look everyone together, but he didn't once look at me. No eye contact at all. not even a smile at me to portray I was doing good. He just sat, blank faced.

Last night he 'made' me work for him again ( 3 hours i a swimming pool with a perforated eardrum, lovely) and once I was helping a child and looked up to see him glaring at me. It was as tone cold stony glare as if he was telling me off. I said what?! He said just hi. eh?! I asked him later about it and he said it was a loving look - was it hell!

anyway so I am fully onboard with him being on the spectrum or something.
but yes it isn't our conundrum to unravel.
I go on with my life, am booking things up for me to do ( mostly he wants to come too, or he tries to make me late) and working towards my art school opening in February! Im super excited about that! Then I can be more financially INdependent. , instead of dependent on him. He likes me not to work so I am available to look after him, or do whatever he likes really.