No, you don't deserve this. (((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))). I am so sorry it turned out this way. Sadly, I am not surprised N's have a way of skinning people alive and leaving them to suffer while they laugh about the pain of the other.
And I am not going to tell you that it will work out when you are dealing with self centered people. Being free of their control to be able to become yourself again and fill your life with real human beings is a step toward a better life however....and then life will work out. My one suggestion is to move closer to your work if you can find something reasonable to rent...at least you are not responsible for the upkeep and repairs and it would save the frustrations of the car. It would also spare you from "living next door" which has to be terrible for you.

OH dadda so sorry...your post makes me so grateful I never married my N/S Can your family help you at all?
You are in really tough place lady, and you have my sympathies. xxxxxooo. Happy Thanksgiving anyway dadda. Could you consider a boarder? Mine is a lifesaver,,couldnot keep this house without one. No you dont deserve this.

dadda - I know you have been through so much. It is not fair, but be glad that you are no longer tied to him in marriage. All I can offer you is a big (((HUG))) and a prayer that your tomorrows will be more peaceful.

Thank you! I have checked into appealing and apparently, I could file a civil tort action for infliction of intentional emotional distress. I have plenty of recordings and of course, things that he has filed with the Court, interference with previous medical treatment, calling me a "drug addict" and having me thrown into mental hospitals .... where I was found to NEVER meet criteria for his accusations of being homicidal or suicidal. Bank statements showing up to $1000 a month being wasted or? all while he was responsible for about $1400 a month for our daughters' money. So like I said, there is something wrong with either the attorney (for not getting the point across) or the Court, possibly both. Maybe a lack of understanding ... but I need to keep paying the piper? WHY??

It is a big SHAME to me that contacting the DV organization at the state level resulted in being "blown off" when I requested information to help me move forward in terms of prosecution or civil action. You would think I was asking them to step up to the plate and fight FOR me ... but no. Even a simple acknowledgement of my e-mail would have been SOMETHING. SO I don't really have much use for them or their wanting VAWA reauthorized, either. If it's all going to be run away, give up and so on, count me out!! And they should be encouraging women who can go at it, because that WOULD help us all, plus all the children (boys and girls) growing up with the model that lying, cheating and all else is "the way" to get ahead ... that people who actually live by the principles they claim are fools.

Honestly, though, apparently the Court must provide rationale upon appeal as to WHY no deviation. Technically, my state is "equitable distribution", but that basically boils down to sharing the pot, excepting non-marital property. I would like to know, too how it can be justified ... I mean, he was spending about $100 a month on Viagra for goodness sake, while I am freaking out trying to keep my car running ... and he should have been putting his "jollies" onto the $5000+ judgement. Sick of the injustice and corruption but never going to say die ... I just hope God grants me strength and health to keep fighting the good fight, because if HE had his way, I would NEVER have been back to begin with ... and though not my "druthers", I personally THINK that he has now been given every opportunity to do the right, and refused. So eventually, I think things will straighten out ... and that will help my faith ... and I am now free to join more with others to work on making injustice public and working to change this nasty system that rewards lying, cheating, thieving abusive bullies and makes people PAY to have any protection from it, as well as PAY to go through the "privilege" of surviving through it. Because THIS has not been a "life" for a while.

And I just got back to the house to find a huge, stinky mess of dog poo on the carpet, from his dog. And lots of stuff the dogs have torn up, all over the yard. Oh well, not going to miss this stuff AT ALL.

I'm glad for you if you are having a better day than this!! But I am going to spend some time cleaning up and trying to cool the passionate fires in my heart before daughters arrive, one from work and the other from down south. I splurged and spent $5 for mini pie pans (that you can make cool designs on a top crust with) and we are going to make cookies and pies tonight and have our big meal tomorrow. So that should be nice! And as I have been noticing, mostly their rage has simmered way down and getting some quality and caring in the communication ... so all is not perfect or well but in some ways, better.

I am sorry you are having stuff a tough time. You are very strong person. I am praying that you will soon
receive the peace you deserve in your life. Sending you lot of love and hugs.

Donna

The girls and boyfriends are here and I am cooking up a storm, have to go to work then change brakes. Cleaned the carpet somewhat last night (that took a lot out of me!!) but have been thinking ... how can ANY judge (he notes on the decree we have been married and divorced before) think that ... well, whatever. So far, I have learned that they WILL not entertain "bad behavior" as a factor in deviation from "equitable settlement" UNLESS it contributes to dissipation. How does a very obviously hostile divorce forcing $8,000 of bills on me NOT constitute bad behavior? Plus previous filings ... I mean, seriously, a guy who was going for "supervised and restricted visitation" on me, then takes the abusive woman BACK?? That right there should light the judge and these people like a Christmas tree!! I also have copies of credit reports dating back to 2000 or so, showing my debt patterns and history, and a hell of a lot of bills to show where the money has gone. Plus all the records for my enforced hospitalizations, showing that he instigated those, the papers he filed before I did for the previous completed divorce AND have drawn up likely financial scenarios had not all this crap happened. To me, it sounds like my attorney didn't do enough digging and questioning ... I am going to confront that AND find out where I stand, with additional info from other sources.

Heck, with the $8,000 I could have EASILY had a down payment and car repairs galore ... instead of feeling about like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown or hear attack about half the time over the past two years.

Another fun day and I fell into a stupid "trap".

Dadda, I am so sorry to hear about the results of the decree. We were
all so hopeful for you. Sometimes it seems that judges are chosen for
their lack of common sense and empathy. You deserve better!!!!!!

I've heard, and unfortunately experienced, the whole DV brushoff
thing, they're kind of notorious for being more concerned with their
funding and protecting their own jobs than anything else--which is
so frustrating.

I am grieving for you right now, as I know this is a huge disappoint-
ment and so very unfair. The courts feel like a "game" of russian
roulette instead of an avenue for real justice.

I will be thinking of you. I keep thinking of the serenity prayer and
how this situation looks like it requires the care and guidance of a
Higher Power. The only thing I can think of is the possibility of a
women's center (not DV) that has legal advice. Some lawyers for
these centers take on pro bono work or offer free legal advice. I
wish you the very best of luck if you decide to pursue an appeal.

HUGE HUGS Dadda (((((((((( ))))))))))) Hang in there, we're all
rooting for you. : )

Thanks, Betty! And I am not "given up", although I will say "I am not happy" at this. I am still researching and from what I understand to date, DV and other "bad behavior" WILL NOT be a consideration for awarding more in a settlement, UNLESS it can be SHOWN to have contributed to "wasting" or "dissipation" of the marital estate. In other words, if he terrorizes you but that doesn't lead to expenditure, you have to file a separate case (a tort). There are attorneys who will file one WITH a divorce, as it may open additional funding or "responsibility" for redress. I am still learning about this, but maybe this very basic explan will at least help some of you. Certain legal points are sort of hard to fathom, especially having a basic sense of right/wrong and KNOWING what is being done is wrong (and often illegal, if done to someone other than a spouse/partner). I found some info I will post a bit later.

So far, I am getting info on appealing the distribution and clarification of the orders (and whatever measures I need to take if attorney's "best" wasn't good enough ... and it SHOULD have been; there are a lot of points and specifics that weren't presented I'm identifying); I will keep posted on what I learn as may also be of benefit to others. I took the liberty of recording some of the meetings, so whatever ... I will find out where I stand AND WHY.

I am so sorry Dadda that things have devolved to all this for you. Maybe it's just me but I do see the silver lining here. I see that house as an albatross for you for a number of reasons and it's too far away and all the gas you have to use to get to work, etc. The only thing possibly consoling I have to say is that things have to change and at some point in time, this situation will be settled and out of your hair one way or the other. The whole thing seems to heavy and stressful for you. A house is a lot of work and you might be far happier in a rented apartment and look at it as a sanctuary from hell from which can figure out where to go next in life and have some peace and ease to do it in. You can still fight for your rights as well from here, but if you can stay in the house for free for a while, that would be great too. I don't totally understand the legal situation as I have never been through this so forgive me if I am totally off base. I agree with BettyBean that this is a good call for the serenity prayer and some help from a higher power. I often find that situations in life end up finding some homeostasis of their own after a while, even if it's not as good as you hoped for. Hugs to you. Keep your chin up, day at a time, and all that.

Redfern, I saw you posted before I left, so I came back. "I" don't "understand" the legal stuff, either otherwise I sure wouldn't have spent so much on someone who supposedly does! I know about looking up case law and how that can be a better guide than actually reading the law (when you can find it!), so no I appreciate your thoughts and postings. Sometimes I feel like that "Don Quixote" (I never read it, though), tilting at windmills. On other occasions, I went along with the experts ... to my loss and only regained strength and power through holding on, through thick and thin, to the knowledge that the "experts" were WRONG.

I'm not super thrilled at the location here but somewhat less thrilled about being stuck in an overpriced "box". I'm not even sure where I want to be and of course, hard to make plans falling deeper into debt. Just that marriage IS a legal contract and how someone can bonk you upside and down just because they want to break it, to their benefit and take the whole "good" ball of wax with them as they ride off into the sunset ... and then you learn that they haven't even been fulfilling their end of the contract for some time, if ever ... how the law could say "that's no problem" doesn't work for me.

And I like and remind myself of the serenity prayer, but also like to keep in mind that "knowing the difference", that human minds and the Divine don't often seem to be on the same wavelength, but is where true wisdom is to be found ...so sometimes the things that everyone says are impossible or hard might be, but definitely always will be, unless someone tries. Like David and Goliath. So yes, I am nervous but know that the situation IS wrong. And looking to God, good sense and encouragement to have courage to carry on.

There's nothing cool or justifiable about him being able to blow off a judgment, either when his non-payment has hampered my ability to obtain additional employment AND leave on more favorable (to me) terms ... especially while he has been spending at least $100 a month on his "other" relationship. And the attorney has the evidence, so I am questioning a LOT right now. And hopefully, questioning and getting info before contacting will make a difference.

Dadda,

I drove up to see my son and his family for Thanksgiving and just read your post. Add my regrets to those of the others that you did not have a fair day in court. The courts just do not care about the injustice of a marriage turned sour. They just look for the easiest way to cut the cord and move on. I suspect this is especially true in your case as I suspect that they do not care about anything that happened prior to your remarriage. And, apparently, they do not really care about much that happened after your remarriage. NO fault is the basic line of thinking . . . with that in mind, i wonder if you are wise to keep persueing further action as in an appeal. Seems very unlikely that anything will change and you will have lost more time, energy, and money. Give it a lot of thought. We are all with you whatever you decide, but think carefully . . . Hugs. Courage. And, Good Luck. Keep venting. We care, even if we are helpless to really help.

Quepasa, I hear what you are saying, but my attorney basically pressed on me to file this request for the final hearing, telling me she couldn't "get me anymore free rent". Say what? I am right now transcoding the recordings I made in Court and in meetings.

But also, I learned that there is a "motion for reconsideration". Or I can file a malpractice complaint. Since my husband wasn't pressing for the final hearing, at least not yet, I don't KNOW why my attorney was so gung ho on getting it over with ... must be her deal. But now here I am, right before winter starts and up in the air ... I wouldn't have agreed if I hadn't thought she knew what she was doing ... that would be stupid. So I am going to get the email to her and just conduct it all in writing, for some protection.