Narcissist Trauma Survival and Recovery Community Group
Support for those anyone who is or has been in a relationship with a narcissist. Together we are much stronger than any of us would be alone. A place for non-judgemental mutial support, advice, and comfort.
After 7 months of no contact, my ex called me the other day and left a message on my phone. The call was legit. My school taxes still had his name and mine on it and it was forwarded to his address. It was the 9th of the month already and my taxes are due on the 1st and I only had five more days to get it in the mail. I didn't know how this mistake happened because I transferred the house into my name last year and brought all the proper documents but it happened and I needed that bill which contained the two halfs of the taxes due, one now, the next in April. I didn't answer the call, just listened to the message for a whole day. Oh, how I didn't want to drive to his home to pick this up and see him. I haven't laid eyes on him in 7 months. But in the end, the next day, I did make the call and I told him I would pick it up. Even said thank you for the heads up.
Now I drove there and I was nervous, and I went over and over in my head everything that I ever read about Narcisstic people. And when I got there, of course he was dressed to the hilt, and though I only stepped in by the front door to get the envelope I quickly saw the picture of him and his new supply in a picture frame on the end table. I said nothing. Thanked him and he began a dialogue. It was so text book for ten minutes.
He told me of his aches and pains and he was going to a new doctor. The pains he gets in his chest when he is out dancing, makes him only dance a few minutes before he has to sit down and wait before he gets up again. And he knows that once he takes this one test, they will find the problem, fix it and then he will be able to climb mountains again, because he still has the feelings to get out there and dance and do things.
I wanted to laugh because was it 30 seconds before he began his bragging and talk of me, me, me! He asked how I was doing, told him fine, asked about my family, grandchildren (the ones he was so jealous of) and bragged of how much time he spent with my grandkids. The truth, he saw them once a week for an hour and spoke to them, or played a game and never went off his spot on the couch. Now he is dancing.
He told me that he is bored being retired, and he went down to a senior citizen center. he is going to be 70. But believe me with his face life of two years ago, and his toupee, he looks 55. And wouldn't you know it, he bragged, the woman at the desk said, "This wasn't the place for him, he was too young" and when he told her his age, she was shocked, he said. And she told him to look in the next room and there he saw men who were 65 and 70 with canes, and couldn't hold a pool cue in their hands. Can you just die with this story!!!
All these stories took place in 10 minutes. I thanked him again and moved out the door where he then told me as I was going down the stoop that he cared for me, always would, and if we could be friends forever that would be great. I said "We are friends and got in the car".
Driving home I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I married this man. I dated him for 3 years and married him. I found him resistable. I had him embedded in my life and I loved him. He was a shell of a human being and I didn't see it. Now being away for 7 months, it was clear, clear, clear and as if he had a textbook right infront of him, like he was reading the script, he did and acted exactly like what we all read about. I was totally blown away.
Called the right department for school taxes and got the matter cleared up as soon as I got home. I never want to experience that ten minutes again....
He now dresses the exact way he did when I met him 18 years ago. He is now a worldly man, wanting to experience all that life has to offer because afterall, now that he is in his golden years, he wants to go out there and live. We never went anywhere once that ring was on my finger. Step by step he turned back the clock 20 years and he pulling the same baloney routine that he sucked me in with, with someone else.
I am here to say that there is not one word of text or videos that we have studied going through this process to heal that is wrong.
Now I drove there and I was nervous, and I went over and over in my head everything that I ever read about Narcisstic people. And when I got there, of course he was dressed to the hilt, and though I only stepped in by the front door to get the envelope I quickly saw the picture of him and his new supply in a picture frame on the end table. I said nothing. Thanked him and he began a dialogue. It was so text book for ten minutes.
He told me of his aches and pains and he was going to a new doctor. The pains he gets in his chest when he is out dancing, makes him only dance a few minutes before he has to sit down and wait before he gets up again. And he knows that once he takes this one test, they will find the problem, fix it and then he will be able to climb mountains again, because he still has the feelings to get out there and dance and do things.
I wanted to laugh because was it 30 seconds before he began his bragging and talk of me, me, me! He asked how I was doing, told him fine, asked about my family, grandchildren (the ones he was so jealous of) and bragged of how much time he spent with my grandkids. The truth, he saw them once a week for an hour and spoke to them, or played a game and never went off his spot on the couch. Now he is dancing.
He told me that he is bored being retired, and he went down to a senior citizen center. he is going to be 70. But believe me with his face life of two years ago, and his toupee, he looks 55. And wouldn't you know it, he bragged, the woman at the desk said, "This wasn't the place for him, he was too young" and when he told her his age, she was shocked, he said. And she told him to look in the next room and there he saw men who were 65 and 70 with canes, and couldn't hold a pool cue in their hands. Can you just die with this story!!!
All these stories took place in 10 minutes. I thanked him again and moved out the door where he then told me as I was going down the stoop that he cared for me, always would, and if we could be friends forever that would be great. I said "We are friends and got in the car".
Driving home I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I married this man. I dated him for 3 years and married him. I found him resistable. I had him embedded in my life and I loved him. He was a shell of a human being and I didn't see it. Now being away for 7 months, it was clear, clear, clear and as if he had a textbook right infront of him, like he was reading the script, he did and acted exactly like what we all read about. I was totally blown away.
Called the right department for school taxes and got the matter cleared up as soon as I got home. I never want to experience that ten minutes again....
He now dresses the exact way he did when I met him 18 years ago. He is now a worldly man, wanting to experience all that life has to offer because afterall, now that he is in his golden years, he wants to go out there and live. We never went anywhere once that ring was on my finger. Step by step he turned back the clock 20 years and he pulling the same baloney routine that he sucked me in with, with someone else.
I am here to say that there is not one word of text or videos that we have studied going through this process to heal that is wrong.
Thank God we have educated ourselves on NPD and all it involves. It helps us recover so much quicker and heal in a more healthy way. I feel sorry for your ex's new supply. My soon to be exH has someone else already, too. Part of me feels angry and disgusted by that, but mostly I just feel pity for the OW. Thankfully, we can see that reality, too.
I have a lot of red tape issues, like your tax documents, that will delay me going totally No Contact with my NH. But I look forward to the day that it will all be over. It's hard to put them in our past while having to take care of the necessary legal issues. It sounds like you're doing well though. Good for you! Stay strong. :)
Of course, it crossed my mind that it was our anniversary, and he was feeling mellow and although he didn't mention the date, he just wanted his last excuse to see me and get in MY house. And maybe because it was this special day which we never celebrated once in 13 years of marriage, that I caved, and said, "Ok". It was a huge mistake. And again, it turned out to be very textbook.
I will add before going forward with the story, that this is the last act of kindness that I will ever do for this man.
So he came, out 9:30am. He wasn't in the door 1 minute, before he complimented me on how good I looked and went to kiss me hello. I was taken back, and allowed the quick peck, but that was a mistake. He wanted more, and I pushed him away. I was totally getting the feeling that this a booty call and I was having none of it.
He looked around the house, and couldn't believe how picture perfect it all looked. And believe me, I worked hard for the last year and half to make it totally mine. I absolutely love the way it turned out. He looked in the yard, and made a remark how he missed his waterfall, that he built. I said nothing. And oh, yeah, he held the dog and told me how happy he was that she seemed to have recognized him.
I followed him down stairs and he dismantled his grinder and vice. I didn't trust him being on one floor and me on another.
Loaded it all in the car, and asked for a cup of coffee and I gave it to him. Complimented me again, and then he told me, that he is with someone and he loves her, and she loves him. That she comes every weekend and stays with him. Actually I knew all of this, because although he is an hour away from me, his new supply is 2 minutes from my house. He met her, when we were going through the divorce and he was still living with me. I guess he doesn't think that I know that.
He told me that she was kind, and good to him. I wanted to scream...."I wasn't" and he explained that I divorced him and he went on with his life, and he is happy. Did I need to hear this? No, but again, isn't this what we read also. How they brag on how much they have changed and realize for the other person.
He told me, that he loved me in the beginning, but then we married and things changed, and he wasn't happy but heh that is marriage. He doesn't plan on getting married again and luck, his new supply doesn't want marriage either. And then he gave me bull how her husband died at a very young age. The truth is, and I know this, she was married twice, is poor as can be, and lives in a basement. But it was important to him to give me this image of her.
He completely forgot that he abused me emotionally and verbally and did the most incredible cruel things and he tortured his first wife of 30 years also. We simple drifted apart. That is how simple he sees it. His words, "I just didn't give you what you needed to make you happy, but I understand all of that now, and now at 70 with someone 10 years younger, I have the opportunity to live my life in happiness. I am grateful.
I told him I was glad he was happy. He left after that. I didn't need to hear any of this. I didn't need to get mess up all over again, and begin from square one but I guess he needed to give me one more "Happy Anniversary" like he did all our years together. I shouldn't have let him in the house, I shouldn't have given him the cup of coffee, I shouldn't have thought that he remembered this day. Because he didn't.
He had one mission in mind and that was to let me know how happy he was. His final cruelty. I didn't mention to him or ask him why if he was so in love, did he try to grab me just minutes before. But as he left he said one more cruel thing: He said, "I needed closure, to turn that last page and close the book. I thought that maybe we could still be friends and visit each other once in a while....I can't take you to lunch or take you out, because that is NOT me, I will not cheat on ......... !!!! But I still find you attractive, and there is still that something there but if you don't want to, I can totally understand that. That is all I could offer you"
Is he insane? Did I ask him for anything? But I must have given him that impression but simply not hanging up on him, telling him he could come over, letting him in, hearing the compliments and giving him that cup of coffee. And that is all it took. I told him his offer, is nothing I want. I closed the door and although he just has to give one check for back up money that the lawyers are working on.....and it should come within the next month, I dialed the phone company and had his phone number blocked on my phone. Today I am hoping to be able to do the same on my cell phone. I hope it can be done. The only way he will be able to hear my office is on my office phone and that will be easy to tell anyone there to tell him I am not at my desk. He can now mail me the money, or drop off at his lawyers.
His sister is dying of cancer. I do visit her once a week. But I made up my mind. God forbide she passes, there is no way I am going to any funeral. I swear I wil not lay eyes on this man again because it totally messes me up. Didn't sleep a wink last night, felt light headed this morning. All because of two meetings in a week after 7 months of peace.
The damage is still there...the wounds just totally opened up again and wasn't that his point. By the way, he has been with his new supply for 10 months now, and although I don't believe everything is totally the way he puts it, I am still amazed that it lasted this long and I could tell he will do anything in his power to make it until the end of his life. He is terrified of being alone. He actually mentioned that she works, he is retired, and during the week when she is not with him, he goes absolutely nuts with boredom. I think the roles reversed alittle and he is now dependent on her, for a life away from being isolated. I think he wants someone there to care for him because of these pains in his chest. I think he can be anything she wants for 3 days out of the week and keep it good exactly for his needs and actually pull it off. And that upsetted me too.
Never, ever, ever again, can even a word be spoken between us. It doesn't take much to get upset again.
Huge mistake on my part but oh so thankful that I held my ground and wasn't that booty call.
Does it ever cross anyone's mind about the OW and wonder if he will treat her better, show more love and just overall be normal with her? I know I shouldn't think like this, but sometimes it creeps into my mind. I do really well for the most part but sometimes I can't help it and fall back into the "was it me"? mindset. Ugghh!
The textbooks say No, that they will never change. I wish I could be sure of that. I think he is wise enough to know that this relationship he is in now, is his last Hoorah.....He doesn't want to be alone, he is scared of that and actually always had one woman in his life. He went from his mother, to his first wife, to me, and directly to her. If he was alone 6 months out of his entire life, that was alot. Actually in my case, when my ex is with someone, he doesn't go out, or play the field....
What he does is completely take over the woman's life that he is with. He is abusive to say the least. He needs mega attention all the time. It's sex, and focusing on him 24/7. He brow beats you with his opinions, and he is smothering. And as long as you give him what he wants, and have no other focus in life, he is happy. Controlling, bragging, sneaky, liar, all the textbook stuff. It's when you get his number, and fight for your rights and bring the lies to the surface, that the abuse begins and takes over. I bucked up against him all the time. That is when the devalue and discard came.
Had I been the robot, stepford wife, he would be happy. I wasn't. I get the impression that this new supply is just that. She gives up everything to be with him, and if she sees her family, it's an hour here or there. He likes that. She wants to be with him. Period. I am sure she thinks she hit jackpot.
The evil part of me, just wants that behavior to come out of him with HER. I am actually waiting for it. That's bad of me, I know. I seem to need more proof that it wasn't all reserved for me. I want to know for sure, that he can't be better with her. That's all ego, I know that too. But I can't help what I feel.
But today, I did block all of his calls ever coming to me at home and on my cell, I have to tell you that I feel lke a million pounds was lifted. I was very proud of myself. Someday his sister will pass on with this horrible cancer that she is going through and that will be the last contact of ever hearing his name. I wish to God, I didn't see him yesterday and hear all those words that he said. It just made matters worse and I could never be in a position to hear anymore of it.
I was exactly like you, we could be the same person! Haha! Same here with the obsession, but with me, I could never find out anything on my ex nor OW, mine is super paranoid, so he makes his life under lock and key! I remember one time I was going to try to follow him, because I didn't know where he lived, and before he left he stole alot of my belongings and I was thinking I'd see where he lived with her and if my stuff was there, but never happened. Because he's so paranoid, wildly looking around, I just about got caught!
Well, I try to really have faith that it will get better for us that have gone thru this. And eventually they will again show their true colors and reveal the true monster that they are. They have to sneak, lie, and fake their way thru life, what kind of life is that? Now if only I could pound that into my own head, and seek my own advice!
Thinking of you, stay strong!
Thank you, I just need to hear it from others and be reminded of that. Your right in what you say, but sometimes I fall back and start my doubting....