Hi. I hate all this stuff I'm going through. I feel more like a hostage than ever, but whatever. I got a text from youngest daughter the other day. She's coming home Sunday, she tells me. OK, that is good on one hand, but why then are all my alarms going off? Probably because ex has been thwarted to date from executing his coup de gras (haha) against me ... I know he can't work on me directly, because he knows I will report him in a heartbeat. She already wrote a damning letter to Court earlier on; what psychological manips were involved, I have no idea. When I mentioned it to my older daughter earlier, she said she knew, because her father told her about it. Maybe I'm just so tired and overwrought that I'm now becoming somewhat paranoid, but I wanted to get this off my chest.

The realtor came over today so will see what develops from that; I may call another as a backup, as he would be going with a six month listing. I want the thing done and I want out a year ago! I made an appointment with a woman I spoke with some time ago about programs, things to transition out of here. It was lovely, quoting my banking statistics and KNOWING, having known "this can't work". Yet be forced into protecting myself? Or thrown into the street by some shady ass thug with a law license and willing to distort all facts beyond comprehension.

Was reading this earlier on Psychology Today: "One scary point: People with NPD can be vicious when frustrated. Divorce regresses them further and sometimes domestic violence is possible. Whether you buy into the NPD diagnosis or not, it is dangerous to be in a position of vulnerability with someone who feels justified in hurting you because he or she has lost control." http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201301/the-narcissist?page=1

My response: One scarier point: that when the spouse DOES realize their danger, there is LITTLE TO NO REAL SUPPORT. He cuts off the marital funds? Too bad. He's (mis) using the legal process (and tells you, to your face and describing in detail) to intentionally and maliciously bankrupt you? TOO DAMN BAD. And police can apparently be somewhat obtuse in identifying emotional shock, unless it accompanied by bullets, smashed car parts or lots of blood, I guess, and are therefore easily misled by a liar whose blood pressure probably actually DROPPED while putting his (or her) victim through an unexpected detour in Hell.

I am going to figure something out, if I have to beg, borrow, or steal. Once I get out of here, my peace of minds will be largely intact. I will be able to earn more and finances will be tight, but whatever (for now). I'll file a lien on the house and send small payments to creditors; if they don't like it, I don't like it more and I will be the one punished as a result. While being patient, THEY WILL get their money. If the girls want to come and they follow ground rules, fine. If not, they will learn the hard way because I can't take the chaos and neither can they whether they know it or not. Just that their chicken hearted excuse of a parent can only "win" by lying, cheating, stealing and calling us c*nts and such. He can win his battle ... and go down to permanent flames, courtesy of his own selfish self. And his mother can go with him.

OK done getting that off there. I'm asking around, trying to determine WHAT I should be wary of. Money requests? No prob ... I have none. Demands? Sorry, I have priorities of survival for now. I have warned them and they don't have to believe ... I did what I could do and it went nowhere. And not for lack of my trying OR sacrificing, for nothing, as it turns out. But I am glad I did, though it puts me in a crunch. Because I will NEVER have to look back at that "what if" and kick myself. And I can't blame myself for being naive, in relation to Courts. The only experience I really have there is through BUFU boy.