Narcissist Trauma Survival and Recovery Community Group
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Seeing the world as black and white, in which choices seem clear, or shades of gray can affect people's path in life, from jobs and relationships to which political candidate they vote for, researchers say. People who often have conflicting feelings about situations—the shades-of-gray thinkers—have more of what psychologists call ambivalence, while those who tend toward unequivocal views have less ambivalence.
High ambivalence may be useful in some situations, and low ambivalence in others, researchers say. And although people don't fall neatly into one camp or the other, in general, individuals who tend toward ambivalence do so fairly consistently across different areas of their lives...
Now, researchers have been investigating how ambivalence, or lack of it, affects people's lives, and how they might be able to make better decisions. Overall, thinking in shades of gray is a sign of maturity, enabling people to see the world as it really is. It's a "coming to grips with the complexity of the world," says Jeff Larsen, a psychology professor who studies ambivalence at Texas Tech University in Lubbock...
If there isn't an easy answer, ambivalent people, more than black-and-white thinkers, are likely to procrastinate and avoid making a choice, for instance about whether to take a new job, says Dr. Harreveld. But if after careful consideration an individual still can't decide, one's gut reaction may be the way to go. Dr. van Harreveld says in these situations he flips a coin, and if his immediate reaction when the coin lands on heads is negative, then he knows what he should do...
Researchers can't say for sure why some people tend towards greater ambivalence. Certain personality traits play a role—people with a strong need to reach a conclusion in a given situation tend to black-and-white thinking, while ambivalent people tend to be more comfortable with uncertainty. Individuals who are raised in environments where their parents are ambivalent or unstable may grow to experience anxiety and ambivalence in future relationships, according to some developmental psychologists.
Culture may also play a role. In western cultures, simultaneously seeing both good and bad "violates our world view, our need to put things in boxes," says Dr. Larsen. But in eastern philosophies, it may be less problematic because there is a recognition of dualism, that something can be one thing as well as another.
One of the most widely studied aspects of ambivalence is how it affects thinking. Because of their strongly positive or strongly negative views, black-and-white thinkers tend to be quicker at making decisions than highly ambivalent people. But if they get mired in one point of view and can't see others, black-and-white thinking may prompt conflict with others or unhealthy thoughts or behaviors.
Ambivalent people, on the other hand, tend to systematically evaluate all sides of an argument before coming to a decision. They scrutinize carefully the evidence that is presented to them, making lists of pros and cons, and rejecting overly simplified information.
Ambivalent individuals' ability to see all sides of an argument and feel mixed emotions appears to have some benefits. They may be better able to empathize with others' points of view, for one thing. And when people are able to feel mixed emotions, such as hope and sadness, they tend to have healthier coping strategies, such as when a spouse passes away, according to Dr. Larsen. They may also be more creative because the different emotions lead them to consider different ideas that they might otherwise have dismissed...
Every job has good and bad elements. But people who aren't ambivalent about their job perform well if they like their work and poorly if they don't. Dr. Ziegler suggests that black-and-white thinkers tend to focus on key aspects of their job, such as how much they are getting paid or how much they like their boss, and not the total picture in determining whether they are happy at work.
Black-and-white thinkers similarly may recognize that there are positive and negative aspects to a significant relationship. But they generally choose to focus only on some qualities that are particularly important to them.
By contrast, people who are truly ambivalent in a relationship can't put the negative out of their mind. They may worry about being hurt or abandoned even in moments when their partner is doing something nice, says Mario Mikulincer, dean of the New School of Psychology at the Interdisciplinary Center Herzliya in Israel.
Such shades-of-gray people tend to have trouble in relationships. They stay in relationships longer, even abusive ones, and experience more fighting. They are also more likely to get divorced, says Dr. Mikulincer.
Recognizing that a partner has strengths and weaknesses is normal, says Dr. Mikulincer. "A certain degree of ambivalence is a sign of maturity," he says.
http://www.ttem.org/forum/index.php?topic=2179.0
High ambivalence may be useful in some situations, and low ambivalence in others, researchers say. And although people don't fall neatly into one camp or the other, in general, individuals who tend toward ambivalence do so fairly consistently across different areas of their lives...
Now, researchers have been investigating how ambivalence, or lack of it, affects people's lives, and how they might be able to make better decisions. Overall, thinking in shades of gray is a sign of maturity, enabling people to see the world as it really is. It's a "coming to grips with the complexity of the world," says Jeff Larsen, a psychology professor who studies ambivalence at Texas Tech University in Lubbock...
If there isn't an easy answer, ambivalent people, more than black-and-white thinkers, are likely to procrastinate and avoid making a choice, for instance about whether to take a new job, says Dr. Harreveld. But if after careful consideration an individual still can't decide, one's gut reaction may be the way to go. Dr. van Harreveld says in these situations he flips a coin, and if his immediate reaction when the coin lands on heads is negative, then he knows what he should do...
Researchers can't say for sure why some people tend towards greater ambivalence. Certain personality traits play a role—people with a strong need to reach a conclusion in a given situation tend to black-and-white thinking, while ambivalent people tend to be more comfortable with uncertainty. Individuals who are raised in environments where their parents are ambivalent or unstable may grow to experience anxiety and ambivalence in future relationships, according to some developmental psychologists.
Culture may also play a role. In western cultures, simultaneously seeing both good and bad "violates our world view, our need to put things in boxes," says Dr. Larsen. But in eastern philosophies, it may be less problematic because there is a recognition of dualism, that something can be one thing as well as another.
One of the most widely studied aspects of ambivalence is how it affects thinking. Because of their strongly positive or strongly negative views, black-and-white thinkers tend to be quicker at making decisions than highly ambivalent people. But if they get mired in one point of view and can't see others, black-and-white thinking may prompt conflict with others or unhealthy thoughts or behaviors.
Ambivalent people, on the other hand, tend to systematically evaluate all sides of an argument before coming to a decision. They scrutinize carefully the evidence that is presented to them, making lists of pros and cons, and rejecting overly simplified information.
Ambivalent individuals' ability to see all sides of an argument and feel mixed emotions appears to have some benefits. They may be better able to empathize with others' points of view, for one thing. And when people are able to feel mixed emotions, such as hope and sadness, they tend to have healthier coping strategies, such as when a spouse passes away, according to Dr. Larsen. They may also be more creative because the different emotions lead them to consider different ideas that they might otherwise have dismissed...
Every job has good and bad elements. But people who aren't ambivalent about their job perform well if they like their work and poorly if they don't. Dr. Ziegler suggests that black-and-white thinkers tend to focus on key aspects of their job, such as how much they are getting paid or how much they like their boss, and not the total picture in determining whether they are happy at work.
Black-and-white thinkers similarly may recognize that there are positive and negative aspects to a significant relationship. But they generally choose to focus only on some qualities that are particularly important to them.
By contrast, people who are truly ambivalent in a relationship can't put the negative out of their mind. They may worry about being hurt or abandoned even in moments when their partner is doing something nice, says Mario Mikulincer, dean of the New School of Psychology at the Interdisciplinary Center Herzliya in Israel.
Such shades-of-gray people tend to have trouble in relationships. They stay in relationships longer, even abusive ones, and experience more fighting. They are also more likely to get divorced, says Dr. Mikulincer.
Recognizing that a partner has strengths and weaknesses is normal, says Dr. Mikulincer. "A certain degree of ambivalence is a sign of maturity," he says.
http://www.ttem.org/forum/index.php?topic=2179.0
In science we readily acknowledge that nature is full of complexity and ambiguity. Ambivalence is a personal acknowledgment of the emotional experience of ambiguity. Viewed psychologically it is nothing more or less than a clever inventive psyche, capable of simultaneously holding several options in mind, recognizing that all possibilities probably take place, and precedence, at one time or another, and can therefore be learned from. This attitude could be described as the scientific approach to experience, which recognizes infinite possibility as constantly operative.
Science generally excludes emotional experience from its territory. Psychology has discovered this to be impossible; so lets first notice, and then explore what’s happening when ambiguity crosses our path-as it does every day of our lives...
At any given moment in time, a disturbingly ambiguous conflict of desire, or opinion, or both, occurs spontaneously in order to find an as yet unseen third alternative; which more effectively resolves particularly contradictory circumstances. This is best accomplished by allowing polarized options to slug it out subconsciously and unconsciously-more in dreams than in thinking about it-a very different strategy than the forced premature decision we usually expect of ourselves. This spontaneous discovery of additional options will always take place in an open mind given enough time, and in the absence of prejudice...
The word, ambivalence, is most commonly used to describe the human experience with which we have the most trouble: i.e. the emotional dilemma of feeling 2 or more ways about the same event, possibility or person. It’s an experience we perceive almost entirely as dysfunctional, something to be avoided at all cost. Indeed emotional ambivalence is generally regarded as pathological-”indecisive, can’t make up their mind”.
When the possibility of feeling contradictory emotions about the same idea, event or person, is the most fundamental skill required for handling conflict of both varieties: internal and interpersonal. Indeed it’s the essential skill that will eventually vault us into the wisdom of a peaceful world community; without which we will continue to wander cynically on the premise that it can never be accomplished.
Unfortunately our experience, particularly of emotional conflict and contradiction has never been successfully cut down to size in ways that remove it from the category of trauma to become simply problem solving. We almost always experience conflict, whether internal or interpersonal, as traumatic-beyond coping, something that can’t be tolerated, which must be stopped or run away from. We regard those who in any way contribute to conflict, even when they’re non-violent, as villains deserving of censure, punishment or even retaliation.
... we can simultaneously hold in the mind’s eye several layers of possibility. The simplest way of expressing it is that we can simultaneously do things, watch ourself do them, comment upon what we’re doing, even criticize it, and at the same time imagine doing it in other ways. That complexity of perception is the principle trait that makes us what and who we are; and ambivalence is the key skill necessary for the creative management of this remarkable gift of multilayered comprehension.
Within the scientific realm dealing with tangible objects, we have become very accustomed and skilled at managing and using contradictory possibilities and options. In fact that’s how science has progressed. It’s become the art of putting things together that previously weren’t supposed to be married, and taking apart things that were supposed to remain together.
But when it comes to dealing with ambiguity in the intangibles of human life, most accurately described as the realm of the human spirit-of which the psyche is the principle agency-we suddenly lose it! We stumble into ambiguity-illiteracy. We try and make reality caveman-simple, of which good and evil is the best example; in making the most important decisions of life we have only 2 options instead of a thousand or more.
Lets face it. Ambiguity, particularly the emotional variety, still scares the hell out of us. But truth is, the problem is ours, not everybody else’s, or God’s. We seem to connect simple-mindedness to being safe, which, as has been seen, it isn’t. This misperception could mean the problem has a lot to do with the ways we love, where we confuse a lot of things in our mad dash for the human essentials: i.e. support, encouragement and comfort. Perhaps we need to rethink how we do, and understand love. At the very least we need to find alternative ways of thinking about the human spirit, its emotional experience, and the personal management of conflict.
http://www.freepsychologyarticles.com/ambivalence-the-supernova-of-psychic-evolution.html
On the other hand, there are sometimes good reasons to keep a negative in mind, although it does not need to remain at the forefront (I think). Personally, I think that's often better than being oblivious or ignoring. You might get more info and find out it's actually a positive or neutral. Or maybe it's just "the way YOU grew up" ... a preference; therefore again a neutral.
(PS I found the actual statement humorous b/c it is so strongly "black/white" LOL).
Funny thing is I COULD see his side of things, he was just unwilling to see any other side than his "grey" side.. I knew when I felt trapped and said things that were hurtful and I apologized for them.
I agree that as we mature we see more things as grey. It is essential to live in this world. to keep an open mind and understand that many beliefs ideals personal choices will be different throughout everyone we know.
However, there are some things that are always black and white.. Like, for example.. If the basement floods and the house needs excavation and to be resealed.. you do it. There really is no grey area here, except which contractor you go with..
When I was contemplating getting rid of my "frenemies" in life, I decided to do some reserach on the matter and I found an aritcle on how ambivalent relationships can be bad for one's health.
No wonder things got worse health wise for me after so many of these:
http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=fickle-friends
And I still laugh in a wry way when I think about how I started coughing up blood a week after he smashed the dehumidifier. His mother was so excited and was willing to "drop everything" to accompany me to some doctor visits. I politely and emphatically declined, because I knew all she wanted was some juicy gossip, knowledge to cause me pain or to help her little boy. I tolerated enough from her for too long in the interest of marital harmony. Done is DONE.