Narcissist Trauma Survival and Recovery Community Group
Support for those anyone who is or has been in a relationship with a narcissist. Together we are much stronger than any of us would be alone. A place for non-judgemental mutial support, advice, and comfort.
You got away from your N either by choice or discard. You are in NC and doing well but you can't resist checking up on them on social media. Through friends of friends I saw his NS's postings on social media. They look so normal and happy it's perplexing. Too good to be true comes to mind. It's obvious she is in love with him. Of course she is - that's what he wants - that was he craves. Someone to worship him. I guess she hasn't done anything to make him upset and/or she has overlooked anything he has done. He's had to have had some moments. The person I knew could never keep it together that long. Sometimes fueled by alcohol but man when he blew he blew.
I keep telling myself not to look but I make it a day or two and then I cave in. I think I'm looking for evidence that he hasn't changed. I have to remind myself that I am seeing HER point of view not his and we all know how distorted his view can be. We lived it. I don't know why I am looking for evidence that he is the same SOB I know. I don't wish it on her but I know he has NPD so it seems inevitable. When I see them all loved up part of me does go to that place where you wonder if you were wrong about him. But then I replay all the bad times and there's just no way I could be mistaken. I found a site that listed 75 traits/behaviors of NPD and he has/exhibits 54 them!! I've never had to see a therapist after ending a relationship and I ran to one after ending this. I needed an objective person to analyze what I experienced. She said, "wow, he's a pretty sick puppy."
We only dated briefly and have been "friends" since then but I even had to go NC on that level because he was just taking advantage. We've been NC for over a month - the 2nd longest time in a year and a half. The last couple of contacts we had I asked about his NS the way a friend would. He did not gush the way most people do when they are in a happy relationship. In fact he didn't say anything nice at all. He made judgmental remarks about her and her friends. Nice. He called me distraught one night talking about hurting himself. A week later he contacted me asking to borrow money. When I refused he hung up on me. Then he texted me several times trying to change my mind. I didn't respond and that was the last contact we had. This all occurred while he has been with with his NS and so "happy." Sound like someone you want to cuddle up to?
I keep telling myself not to look but I make it a day or two and then I cave in. I think I'm looking for evidence that he hasn't changed. I have to remind myself that I am seeing HER point of view not his and we all know how distorted his view can be. We lived it. I don't know why I am looking for evidence that he is the same SOB I know. I don't wish it on her but I know he has NPD so it seems inevitable. When I see them all loved up part of me does go to that place where you wonder if you were wrong about him. But then I replay all the bad times and there's just no way I could be mistaken. I found a site that listed 75 traits/behaviors of NPD and he has/exhibits 54 them!! I've never had to see a therapist after ending a relationship and I ran to one after ending this. I needed an objective person to analyze what I experienced. She said, "wow, he's a pretty sick puppy."
We only dated briefly and have been "friends" since then but I even had to go NC on that level because he was just taking advantage. We've been NC for over a month - the 2nd longest time in a year and a half. The last couple of contacts we had I asked about his NS the way a friend would. He did not gush the way most people do when they are in a happy relationship. In fact he didn't say anything nice at all. He made judgmental remarks about her and her friends. Nice. He called me distraught one night talking about hurting himself. A week later he contacted me asking to borrow money. When I refused he hung up on me. Then he texted me several times trying to change my mind. I didn't respond and that was the last contact we had. This all occurred while he has been with with his NS and so "happy." Sound like someone you want to cuddle up to?
ANY contact whatsoever, reminiscing...checking up on....etc..only prevents you moving on...
Its very hard to break the connection..they seemed so perfect in the beginning..and its such a bewildering heartbreaking and and head wrecking experience... when you discover who and what..they truly are.
This is a very good link...http://www.narcissismfree.com/narcissist-no-contact-rules.php
Its also good to be reminded of exactly what we were dealing with...its NOT our fault...
''A narcissist feels terrorized at the thought of vulnerability (being emotionally honest), and develops a pathological false self to guard unresolved emotional wounds.
In the myth of Narcissus, the hero fell in love with his own reflection. On the surface it may seem he was madly in love with himself. But look deeper. He was in love with his reflection. This reflection was not his true self.
The very fact he fell in love with the illusionary part of himself meant he was not capable of loving his true self.
To escape these disowned ‘unacceptable’ parts a narcissist scripts and creates an image of himself that he can tolerate
Where normal people love others and empathize with them, the narcissist loves his False Self and identifies with it to the exclusion of all else – his True Self included.
The narcissist inflicts pain and abuse on others. He devalues sources of supply, callously and off-handedly abandons them, and can discard people, places, partnerships, and friendships unhesitatingly.
This abrupt, heartless devaluation IS abuse.
ALL narcissists idealise and then devalue.
This is THE core narcissistic behaviour.
The narcissist exploits, lies, insults, demeans, ignores (the "silent treatment"), manipulates, controls.'
I also think that the words in this piece..are very validating..
'In the words of Pushing Daisies,
The facts are these:
They are not my problem.
I no longer put up with their behaviour. I don't have to, I don't want to - and I will not.
It's not my problem any more.
I am proud of myself for building courage and for leaving them behind.
I AM TRUE TO MYSELF.
It's time to move on.
I have nothing at all that I need to prove to anyone.
No one else knows the real them and I am not here to show them. It's their problem.
People can judge me all they like, it's just their opinion. It's not fact.
I am stronger than any of this.
I refuse to waste any further energy.
I am free.
I am a great person.
I love and respect myself.
I glide through this episode because I am not a victim.
No one else can judge me. They weren't there. And they don't know.
I concentrate on being kind to myself and true to myself.
I hope you can keep putting him where he belongs..out of your head..and heart..and further and further... into your past..Hugs x
I still have contact with ex, but only because of our son. I do not make any more attempts at small talk or well wishes. It really is true. They try to be nice while they plant seeds around you that you are doing wrong by them. No matter what emotion you display, it is used against you.
Since I have known me ex N for more than 20 years, I now recognize how he is feeling by the words and tone he is using in emails and voice messages. While we were married, I realized I knew him better than I knew myself.
So yes, Cut off all ties. Block him. He will be no friend to you. You will continue to doubt yourself if you let him keep you on the side lines. Let him get on with his facade of a life while you live your own blessed life without him in it.
Best wishes
You know the truth about him, you remember the beginning though when he treated you well when there was hope. That's how she's feeling, Facebook is no real barometer for how things are in reality. I'm guessing her status updates must be public for you to see, probably he told her some story of how you are still nuts about him and she is over compensating by publishing 'aren't we happy' updates. Chances are he probably is showing signs of his true self and boredom. They tire quickly of people, I would see it like that.
You're not wrong about him, he's a user and an abuser. He tried to get you to feel sorry for him then wanted money. This isn't genuine interaction, it's use. He doesn't care about anyone, the new woman will be useful ...for a while. I hope you feel better soon, keep true to yourself and focus on your own activities. You are free from this man, this is the best thing for you. X
Even though he had d and d'd me.
I guess he didn't want me to know what's happening in his life, new GF no doubt which would reveal all his excuses as lies.
Either that, and or he has me down as a mental who he wants nothing to do with. Even though he dumped me while we were engaged, and yes I did flip out, who bloody wouldn't.
Excuse me for being human. He WANTED me to shut up and take it 'with dignity' his words. LMAO.
Anyway, he blocked ME ! Still raises my eyebrows. He really got rid of me and fast.
Told me lots really. That he had done that. He doesn't give a hoot about me.
It was March when he dumped me. He has never spoken to me since.
Even though just weeks before he sent valentines roses with a note saying I love you.
And the night before he left we had the best sex ever.
I now see it morelike rape.
But oh yeah - I'M the crazy one.
Don't think so.
Peace & love - PL xxx
Wow. I've read so many stories and they still make my jaw drop. The Ns ability to pretend is unreal ( forgive the pun). They really are robots. I know we can't always control how a relationship will end but to go from flowers, sex and I love you to nothing is not to be understood. I hope they all spontaneously combust!