Narcissist Trauma Survival and Recovery Community Group
Support for those anyone who is or has been in a relationship with a narcissist. Together we are much stronger than any of us would be alone. A place for non-judgemental mutial support, advice, and comfort.
Hi, I have been sort of quiet lately as I have mounds of paperwork and have also been reflecting on a lot of things, including why my attorney has seemed not only less than helpful but at times, antagonistic. Why the police never forward serious reports ... and so on. I spoke with the AG's office in the last week or so; my take is that I was treated sort of like an imbecile and a pain in the a**. I happen to do a lot of research and in past, have won appeals ranging from Medicaid and other insurance appeals to credit card billings and even legal things (small). Normally, I have done these for others, so there was no emotional involvement on my part other than a desire to see things made right. I have done well professionally and academically in past, so I am fairly confident that I am not barking up crazy "logic trees" ...
It was hitting me that I am being revictimized and it brought to mind several things ... we talk about patterns, that until we become more mindful and aware, as well as finding new strategies for behavior, we are likely to hit the same type of relationships that we leave. I'm sure too, some of my frustration is that people DON'T want to think too deeply about the issues I raised ... that would involve work and possibly bucking the system ... they just don't WANT to, there is no reward for them and only negative consequences, to their view. But the last little component I wondered about was that our vulnerability, especially if our N situation has involved us in the criminal justice system, is the unwitting and unconscious "victim bashing" that occurs at times ... that there are areas where our vulnerabilities or qualities interact with those charged with responding ... and we can begin to lose our gains and get pushed down or into silence, unless we recognize and respond - again, with awareness - to a dynamic that can be changed and, if brought up in a diplomatic way to those charged with "helping", make them more effective and even bring about a change in their attitude, as they also become more aware of the dynamics that are often playing out below the level of consciousness. I want to look for some stuff on that later, but going to work ... any comments, experiences, resources? Have any of you been through what I am talking about or going through it now? Hugs!
It was hitting me that I am being revictimized and it brought to mind several things ... we talk about patterns, that until we become more mindful and aware, as well as finding new strategies for behavior, we are likely to hit the same type of relationships that we leave. I'm sure too, some of my frustration is that people DON'T want to think too deeply about the issues I raised ... that would involve work and possibly bucking the system ... they just don't WANT to, there is no reward for them and only negative consequences, to their view. But the last little component I wondered about was that our vulnerability, especially if our N situation has involved us in the criminal justice system, is the unwitting and unconscious "victim bashing" that occurs at times ... that there are areas where our vulnerabilities or qualities interact with those charged with responding ... and we can begin to lose our gains and get pushed down or into silence, unless we recognize and respond - again, with awareness - to a dynamic that can be changed and, if brought up in a diplomatic way to those charged with "helping", make them more effective and even bring about a change in their attitude, as they also become more aware of the dynamics that are often playing out below the level of consciousness. I want to look for some stuff on that later, but going to work ... any comments, experiences, resources? Have any of you been through what I am talking about or going through it now? Hugs!
I am not sure what to say to this. Are many of us going to be victimized, double jeopardy, yes... I am expecting a long frawn out fight. But I am taking it one day at a time.
and you are right that most people do not want to look to deeply into things, issues that are raised, or even there own personal shortcomings or mistakes. and people who do these things are 'the problem'
In the criminal justice system the 'problems' are the ones that are minorities, mental health issues, the poor.. as there are fewer resources and education to help them. They have always been victims and know no differently.
as for help and resources, I know you live far from anything, but I have been recomended to go directly to the local university law program where there are tons of green, energetic students who are aching for any experience to help them become more employable. The staff at these universities are also there to help and teach.
I had a cat once who had a rare form of cancer. I lived near a university with a well known vet school. I played the system, and got free care, free meds, and free burial when he died. All for blood work, frequent visits, and the chance to autopsy the cat when he passed. All expenses were considered 'medical research' I did the same with my dog... The fact that she lived for 18 months after being given a 6 wk diagnosis is what was so miraculous. No meds, just organic raw eggs in her food twice a day (I have chickens, so it was no expense) and antibiotics for the skin infections.
What I am saying here, I think is maybe you just need to step back and rethink what you are trying to do. It is important to set firm goals and then tier them. Like I would like to pay off all my debt. You can't just jump in without small goals. First you check monthly spending and promise not to buy more than $X on food/utilities.... then you choose the smallest debt and put the extra towrds that one til its paid off.. then the next, adding the amount from the first debt paymentsss..... Anyway, I think you get the idea. You cannot worry about stes 4-9 unitl 1 is complete. This is where I think you get hung up. You want the world to fix everything all at once. It is a slow process...and yes, sometimes you have a treefall through the roof and you go back a couple of steps... but forward looking is where oyu are going.. and you will get there..
Also, I want to say that in the end what really matters is your peace and happieness. I do not think that fighting all these battles is helping with your happiness. This is just my opinion though. I could be hunting down private investigators, looking through his past but in my heart of heart I know he cheated. He admitted to the emotional affairs but in the end would it make me happier to really know and 'win' for me personally it isn't. He is an ass. the women he cheets with are losers, suckers, and week.. but this does not define me. It defines them. I did not cheet. I am not them and me wasting my energy and peace on them just allows them further control over my life. I will not let them have that control anymore..
dadda I am sorry you are hurting and feeling this way tonight. and these are just my feelings. I hope that they help
Seems like the church people, etc. have been swayed against you at times.
Sounds like there is a war underneath the war and that somebody is discrediting you.
My sister did this to me and I finally got away from her. She would actually make up quotes that people said that people never said.
We were stuck in probate together and she waged a war against me and my immediate family within a large family framework. We finally left the state but we did win.
It just sounds a little bit like what happened to me and another relative of mine who happened to be involved in a family money matter with this sister.
Sometimes the victim doesn't even know what is going on because the perpetrator is so devious and believable and they portray themselves as the victims.
Yes, it sounds like you have a target on your back with this crowd. Would be great to pick up stakes and leave them.
Great advice from livelifenow.
You are not the crazy one. You are surrounded by devious people.
Hugs and love
I'm chuckling about what you said ... steps 1, 2, 3 and etc. I called a large church the other day ... I have to be in touch with all kinds of "resources" as part of the app for the car repairs and I suppose it is good sense at this point, anyway. I asked the people if they maybe had someone who could just help me get through the paperwork that is accumulating as a result of all the "help" and necessity and maybe, help me think ... ini other words, I know my concentration is off and I am probably missing things that in normal times are fairly obvious to me. I find myself freezing up at times, mostly because I've gotten to that point where if I do what I am supposed to do and if I follow the rules, exercise restraint, things just get smashed to he** anyway ... as long as it remains "unaccomplished", I have the fantasy at least that things work out in the end. I know that doesn't wrok, but I think that I am just under one heck of a stressload.
What you said about the poor, etc ... my father once said something similar ... I just remember it was in reference to a comment I made about the housing projects; they had such small windows and I was thinking how much difference sunlight and all can make ... and he told me they don't think like that, they don't know any difference. Anyway, I was cast earlier as loony toons and I guess everybody bought it and treated me accordingly, which was pretty traumatizing but not something I was prepared to argue much at the time. I do remember that when the police DROVE me to the hospital because I was SURELY going to kill myself, he finally promised that I could have a ride back for my car if I didn't need to be there (the hospital). After waiting a day and a half for the psychiatrist to come in and figure out that my husband was stressing me out but that I had no inclinations toward self-harm, I HAD to spend the night in the shelter. The police were none too enthusiastic to see me camped out in their lobby, insisting on my ride! Everytime I am assertive, it seems I sense a "you are a pain in the a**" attitude come over some people. All I know is that if I give in, give up, there is nobody going to fix it later. Plus, I keep remembering what I did when this started ... there are facts I don't know that would easily change the outcome (I learned a lot from what I didn't know before!); now it is a search for facts ... which at times I suppose is just getting info on "the system" to supplement what I already know.
I like your answer, cause it was very "grounding" as well. I'm not so much fighting any battles right now, but the story is crazy, and someone at an agency or somewhere will have resources to help, I just have to find the right sources. Plus keep working on work and get the paperwork outta here, etc. But when I think of the nurse sitting on her house and her life is like nothing happened and then I think of what my daughters and I have been through ... it is crazy, especially because that stuff isn't supposed to happen.
To me, the proof is also in the letter she wrote my husband; I was rereading it last night while sorting a pile of papers that were mixed up ... she "fantasized about being (his) wife" and her husband "still wants to go on with the divorce" and they "shouldn't see each other anymore, but when the DIVORCES are behind me (and you) we will pick up where we left off". Neither she nor her husband has EVER filed for divorce. As much of a jerk as NH has been, it's pretty obvious he was played into some of this and it was wrong and this nurse is still out there. You could look up to see her looking down into your face someday ... God help you if she "envies you". So while I won't maybe fight that so much at the moment, I take crazy or seriously disturbed people in those positions pretty seriously. A woman that cared wouldn't be seeing her patient/boyfriend going bankrupt, being estranged from his daughters and no matter how things end, basically looking like an all out fool in many ways ... unless she were just concerned with her own "needs". (Shivers)
The nurse in the Oklahoma fiasco seduced the guy into a relationship, everything blew up with the discovery, he stuck up for the nurse, just as they do ... later, she broke off with him during a phone call in which she revealed she was pregnant with someone else's child. I think he made a suicide attempt at that point, but he had ALS and was going to die soon regardless. She just attacked him at the very core ... there was no love there and same thing going on here .... I left a good job and moved here, 2000 miles away, with a completely blind husband and our second baby on the way. If she loved him, she'd be WITH him, not playing this out for years ....
So back to paperwork for a bit. I guess I will remain assertive as cordially as possible. Maybe the police just need to learn that decent people who aren't "experienced" occasionally need help but prefer to maintain their rights during the process ... I can't be the only one required to learn!! Wouldn't be fair ...
It does help, thank you very much I am smiling and I feel listened to. I appreciate that, 'cause it will help me get through another mound of work.
I also find that I test pretty high on those self administered tests for ausbergers. Not quite autistic, but if born now probably would have gotten 'special help' through school. I am very high functioning and live a normal life, but I need order to feel calm and safe. Living with the N for as long as I did threw me into a tail spin.
Learning to break things down has helped me, although with 3 kids I do feel out of control many times..
dadda, I think location is also a problem. I wish now that your daughters are older that you could just move away. Find a job somewhere and move. The girls would probably follow you in the end. There are days that I wish mine were old enough that I could do it..
Oh, and a side... that song we were joking about.. My daughter (younger) said. Daddy was singing this at top voice really loud. and the girl started her verse and I said this is mommys verse and I sang it really loud back!) could you imagine your 7 yr old singing "Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over. Making me feel that it was always something i had done!" to her dad after anownsing that it was mommys verse. I laugh out loud every time I think about it. I adore that girl.....