Narcissist Trauma Survival and Recovery Community Group
Support for those anyone who is or has been in a relationship with a narcissist. Together we are much stronger than any of us would be alone. A place for non-judgemental mutial support, advice, and comfort.
Hi! I wanted to post this article for several reasons. I know many of us have a hard time with the "closure" aspect and that is addressed in the article (and I will admit to having MANY imaginary conversations that nobody would like to hear LOL as they aren't nice ... but they help, especially recognizing what emotions are going on inside me, so I can deal with them. Plus, the method excludes contact but still helps, helpful for us); another point AND I THINK THIS ONE IS VERY IMPORTANT ... get this, if nothing else ... STRESS causes CHANGE. The new thoughts and self-hatred or weight change ... whatever ... could very likely NOT "BE YOU". Yet if you do not realize this, with all the other negatives you are experiencing, you may come to believe "this is it" and it becomes reinforced. I read another article on the panic response and I wish I had known, because I am sure the child-snatching had something to do with it too, but I NEVER had experienced full blown panic attacks ... it makes me cry to think about the fact that none of the damn doctors I came into contact seemed to have a clue ... I knew I felt "crazy" and that just led to my losing out big time ... so PLEASE, recognize stuff that is going on with you, google it and get as much info ... post here and see if others can relate. While there is a lot of knowledge out there, it can be hard to find in our "neighborhoods" and I guarantee getting the right info helps A LOT. Just know that all of your stress hormones are out of whack and all body systems are affected ... it can make you feel horrible, physically and emotionally ... and while there is a temporary nature to it, normally, you may run across ignorant (enough) health care people who start tinkering or telling you things that don't really jive with reality ... but how will you know that? Only by getting educated ... otherwise you might end up getting lots of medical treatments that affect you, too ... and where does it end? Yes, I do feel strongly on this matter ... having both seen and experienced some "not so great results" with so called highly educated professionals.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/finding-true-love/200909/relationship-advice-breaking-hurts-real-and-how-recover-faster
Relationship Advice: Breaking Up Hurts for Real and How to Recover Faster
Relationship Advice: Recover Fast from a Painful Breakup
Published on September 24, 2009 by Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. in Finding True Love
In studies of life's most stressful events, being divorced is the number two top life stressor, following right behind number one, being widowed. Both can plunge you into severe depression and health problems. Breakup of a significant relationship or marriage creates a panic response in the brain and such stress in the body that neuroscientists believe it can lead to a lowered immune system and illnesses. If you fall into either of these categories, you absolutely need to take care of yourself and do all the activities we discuss.
Women who hadn't gotten over a relationship by 16 weeks after the breakup had decreased brain activity in the regions associated with emotion, motivation and attention. This is a physical change in the brain. That's why it is so hard to concentrate on anything-so hard to get up and go. Do not let yourself go this length of time without intervention.
Researchers at UCLA have pinpointed the part of the brain that registers the pain of a break-up. Being rejected activates one of the same areas of the brain as physical pain! In the study, the more ignored the people felt, the more activity they had in the anterior cingulate, which also registers physical distress. So your pain is physiological.
Other researchers at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine have found that a breakup can create physical heart pain and shortness of breath. They call it Broken Heart Syndrome and, of course, it affects more women than men. Emotional stress or rage can actually precipitate a heart attack, so on this one you need to get it medically checked out.
Relationship Advice: Getting Over the Heartbreak Faster
Getting over heartbreak isn't easy but there are definitely some clinically proven methods to beat the blues. There are five recovery methods I recommend: sharing; meditation; sleep; exercise; and, having imaginary conversations with the ex. In one study, talking about their negative feelings lessened the participant's activity in the pain-feeling part of the brain. Among the recommendations coming out of the UCLA study is that a good remedy for heartache is to spend time sharing with close friends, because this activity causes the brain to release natural opioids, which are like the painkillers found in opium. So make a beeline for your friends, a sponsor, a minister or someone else you confide in.
A second group of recovery methods recommended by the Johns Hopkins researchers emphasizes practicing relaxation techniques, including meditation, deep breathing or journaling out your feelings.
Sleep is very important to helping immune function but with the depressive reactions that many have, sleep may be hard to come by. This is another reason to consider starting a regular relaxation or meditation program-these have been shown to help people sleep better. Also, working out at the gym may help, because it releases opioids.
One final way to beat the blues comes from a study that showed that people who had imaginary conversations and then said goodbye to their partner had more relief from grief than those who didn't. Here is one imaginary conversation that Darlene, a student in one of my Love in 90 Days workshops, had with her very narcissistic ex:
"You are so classically narcissistic! You only think of yourself. You sucked me in at first with all this generosity, but once you had me, you only took, took, took. And you were the one who abandoned the relationship, even though I bent over backward for you, you jerk! Withdrawing slowly from me to the point where there was nothing left. You stonewalling jerk!! Even though you were the one withdrawing, you provoked me into ending it by actually going on Match and chatting online in the same room as me!!!! How humiliating!! And now I hear you are happy. It makes me so upset! You never deserved me and I hope in your next relationships you'll get exactly what you dealt out--a lot of bullshit in a charming voice. You wasted my time and my life these past 2 years. I fell for it, I didn't self-protect, I was too anxious to be in a relationship and I ignored the signs. I wanted someone else to do the hard work for me. Well, I have learned that I have to do it. I will watch out for myself. I will speak up for myself!"
Airing these pent-up issues and feelings helped Darlene let go and later she moved forward into a relationship with a terrific guy she met at church. Similarly allowing yourself to be with and process your own thoughts and feelings, no matter how painful they are will also allow you to move beyond them and the guy who triggered it all.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/finding-true-love/200909/relationship-advice-breaking-hurts-real-and-how-recover-faster
Relationship Advice: Breaking Up Hurts for Real and How to Recover Faster
Relationship Advice: Recover Fast from a Painful Breakup
Published on September 24, 2009 by Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. in Finding True Love
In studies of life's most stressful events, being divorced is the number two top life stressor, following right behind number one, being widowed. Both can plunge you into severe depression and health problems. Breakup of a significant relationship or marriage creates a panic response in the brain and such stress in the body that neuroscientists believe it can lead to a lowered immune system and illnesses. If you fall into either of these categories, you absolutely need to take care of yourself and do all the activities we discuss.
Women who hadn't gotten over a relationship by 16 weeks after the breakup had decreased brain activity in the regions associated with emotion, motivation and attention. This is a physical change in the brain. That's why it is so hard to concentrate on anything-so hard to get up and go. Do not let yourself go this length of time without intervention.
Researchers at UCLA have pinpointed the part of the brain that registers the pain of a break-up. Being rejected activates one of the same areas of the brain as physical pain! In the study, the more ignored the people felt, the more activity they had in the anterior cingulate, which also registers physical distress. So your pain is physiological.
Other researchers at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine have found that a breakup can create physical heart pain and shortness of breath. They call it Broken Heart Syndrome and, of course, it affects more women than men. Emotional stress or rage can actually precipitate a heart attack, so on this one you need to get it medically checked out.
Relationship Advice: Getting Over the Heartbreak Faster
Getting over heartbreak isn't easy but there are definitely some clinically proven methods to beat the blues. There are five recovery methods I recommend: sharing; meditation; sleep; exercise; and, having imaginary conversations with the ex. In one study, talking about their negative feelings lessened the participant's activity in the pain-feeling part of the brain. Among the recommendations coming out of the UCLA study is that a good remedy for heartache is to spend time sharing with close friends, because this activity causes the brain to release natural opioids, which are like the painkillers found in opium. So make a beeline for your friends, a sponsor, a minister or someone else you confide in.
A second group of recovery methods recommended by the Johns Hopkins researchers emphasizes practicing relaxation techniques, including meditation, deep breathing or journaling out your feelings.
Sleep is very important to helping immune function but with the depressive reactions that many have, sleep may be hard to come by. This is another reason to consider starting a regular relaxation or meditation program-these have been shown to help people sleep better. Also, working out at the gym may help, because it releases opioids.
One final way to beat the blues comes from a study that showed that people who had imaginary conversations and then said goodbye to their partner had more relief from grief than those who didn't. Here is one imaginary conversation that Darlene, a student in one of my Love in 90 Days workshops, had with her very narcissistic ex:
"You are so classically narcissistic! You only think of yourself. You sucked me in at first with all this generosity, but once you had me, you only took, took, took. And you were the one who abandoned the relationship, even though I bent over backward for you, you jerk! Withdrawing slowly from me to the point where there was nothing left. You stonewalling jerk!! Even though you were the one withdrawing, you provoked me into ending it by actually going on Match and chatting online in the same room as me!!!! How humiliating!! And now I hear you are happy. It makes me so upset! You never deserved me and I hope in your next relationships you'll get exactly what you dealt out--a lot of bullshit in a charming voice. You wasted my time and my life these past 2 years. I fell for it, I didn't self-protect, I was too anxious to be in a relationship and I ignored the signs. I wanted someone else to do the hard work for me. Well, I have learned that I have to do it. I will watch out for myself. I will speak up for myself!"
Airing these pent-up issues and feelings helped Darlene let go and later she moved forward into a relationship with a terrific guy she met at church. Similarly allowing yourself to be with and process your own thoughts and feelings, no matter how painful they are will also allow you to move beyond them and the guy who triggered it all.
thanks for these thinking points. I know that I do go through phases within myself. I do dream out letters when haunting thoughts come up at night on what I would like to say to the N. and it does help.
Exercise, or even being outside, especially now when it is so dark so early. I went to a dance over the weekend, the first I have enjoyed in 20 yrs. The first I have been to without the N in same amount of time (OK, 17 yrs but who is counting) Being spun around the floor by my partner (a random man that asked, never got his name) and just laughing at how bad I was and how much fun it was. Even the innocence of the physical contact was soothing.
I have heard of broken heart syndrome before, countless numbers of widows/widowers that die shortly after spouse. People say they die from a broken heart. Unfortunaltely I can see that happening to my mom. When dads cancer was diagnosed and he was not yet responding to chemo I went to a funeral with her for a friend of mine from high school who had lost a battle with cancer. Someone innocently asked how dad was doing not knowing anything and she colapsed against the wall and starte hyperventalating. Someone helped me get her up and I pretty much drug her outside away from everyone so she could catch her breath. This was before I had told them about the N and I, and at that point I knew that they were not going to be able to be pillars of strength for me, as they were barely keeping it together themselves.
The dance sounds like fun. That was one thing I missed. I used to love to go dancing, by myself in this huge place in Hollywood, when I lived out there and was single. Sometimes I dance here, but I AM looking forward to some good times and socializing again ... sadly, was just getting back into the swing of it when everything hit the fan. At least I still have it in me!
And hi! to you, KassandraDee and you are welcome. I do a lot of reading and I love to look through some professional medical journals and stuff on-line; I come across some interesting things. I usually (if there are doubts) try to look at original studies that are used to make claims, but I know a lot of us have had hard times with our appearance, moods and abilities changing and fluctuating during all these stresses. I keep thinking "what a difference" if I had known such and such (as often others' posts have been informative to me). So the stuff that can make a difference and maybe not widely known (even in medical/mental health) I like to post.
My doctor is one whom I can bring in my research and he will check it out (or maybe has someone verify it, I don't know) but if it is credible, he is willing to try things that aren't always the obvious or usual. And he will also express any reservations he may have, so I appreciate that. On the other hand, I had to deal with NH cardiologist, who was strictly "technique" and with no REAL rationale other than "industry standards". I happen to know a lot of people end up going through unnecessary bypasses, stent procedures and such that change the routine of their lives forever. I'm not saying all are, but a lot of procedures - especially things like elective back surgery - are not necessary, don't address the REAL problem and often, patients regret them later, as the procedures can cause new problems or side effects from (now necessary) prescription medications.
Now after 2 decades of living with major stress and NH, as well as taking the prescribed steroids for my asthma (especially prednisone), I'm over 100 lbs heavier. All kinds of side effects from meds, plus being emotionally abused from NH, and other family issues that have been heart breaking. I don't think my body can take much more.
Plus diabetes (probably from weight gain as well as side effect from prednisone), severe back pain, and NH giving me herpes2 from one of his many affairs, my immune system is fried.