First, one of my red flags is someone who wants to jump into any physical relationship without any commitment. My xN use to tell my friends when they were dating "if you want them to buy the cow, don't give away the milk for free." If you are not looking for a real relationship then I am not sure you are ready to be dating (or just playing). Consider your emotional health in this.

I also think that if you are worried about the xN backing off you should know that it could go either way. as soon as mine saw me moving forward with my life and being happy he came back strong. This time he went head first into a relationship. 6 wks now and talking of moving in together. I do not know your N so I cannot give any more thoughts on this

Also, I would wonder if your need for this one time thing is masking an underlying need that you are trying not to deal with?? Are you in therapy. It was essential for me. My advice would be to not do this again for a while and really try and focus on what needs to be tweeked in your own life. In my case I am a codependant that has developed some anxieties while with N. I am fixing these issues before looking for others to fill those voids.

I hope you take this as encouraging, I am concerned that as many of us do, that you will just fall into a similar relationship unknowingly because it feels comfortable.

Hi, Samesame! Don't feel like it's stupid or off the mark; I think people will have had different sorts of experiences and some will probably more closely resonate with you.

My experience is that he liked me to be jealous; he even made up girlfriends and fiancees after I was gone. He got really upset, too about my having (platonic) male friends and basically accused me of sexing up half the town - in front of out teenaged daughters, at one point. He has also wanted, now three divorces but after the first one was done and over, he wanted me to "start anew" after 3 months of being apart ... I said no. He tried that several times and usually, became nasty and took me to Court, until I started holding firm and spending $$ to defend myself.

I got over the "jealousy" thing at some point, because it was "my problem" and am glad I did. I'm not super happy with the way life has been going lately, but I am getting to the point where if you have to handicap yourself with a parent's $$ and a "next wife" before breaking up with me, d*mn I must be good!! Certainly I don't feel that way a lot of the time, but I'm pretty sure I'll feel a lot better once I hit some "real life". I think, as public as this has become and as adamantly as he told me he IS going to marry this married woman, he'll see it through to the bitter end, even if he's already realized that he's made probably the biggest mistake in his life. I don't intend to stick around for crazy-making sessions this time, whether him trying to taunt me or anything else ...

I don't know if anyone has had this experience and I was going to bring it up in a post at some point, but here goes ... I had this really eerie experience of being attracted to someone, but when I would see XNH, he would have, say a scab, in exactly the same place, size shape as this other person (and they did not know each other, 99.9% no "set-up") or he would say something that just made me feel like "something" was sort of going between these two people. I don't know if that makes any sense, but it sort of creeped me out and I wasn't that interested in pursuing anything, especially if it was going to turn out to be weird. The weird thing is that I would say it was more like a presence going from one person to the next, in that if I ignored it, long enough, it seemed to stop. So now maybe I sound like the one from "Planet X" or something, but I have sort of wondered if anyone can relate to this experience.

Personally, I've had nice chats and such with men and it's been enjoyable, in that when the conversation goes on, it makes me realize I haven't died or become nasty. Like you mentioned about the compliments, my antenna go up if it's pretty obvious flattery or if they agree with everything I say. Or any type of "controlling", which as I am recalling from another post, could seem "innocent", like trying to stick a negative label or accusation on you in a "light-hearted" manner ... the more obvious ways are usually somewhat easy to spot. I was just reading an article about how, if you (or I) are used to dysfunctional guys, we might have a hard time "recognizing" normal and normal (healthy) to us can seem boring or just so different that we're constantly uncomfortable.

Hope to hear more from you; and all I can say is that in many areas, I feel like a newby too, but the best experts in any subject I ever met were willing to say, "I don't know" and don't live on a pedestal. I don't think there are any pedestal people here, so hopefully you will get a variety of answers and new acquaintances. Welcome!

Thank you livelifenow2

Ok I see some of your points. I guess that attitude of 'buying the cow', is advice from a Narcissist, and probably the kind of advice my exN would give also, that's probably why I find that sentiment so distasteful, it brings up judgements, archaic visions of purity and virginal worth to be used by conquering 'heros', which is kind of the whole angle of a narcissistic attack of self worth and sex positivism. My body, my business, and any N knows that even though they keep convenient opposing 'rules' for their 'partners'.
Also, I'm not talking of sex, I'm describing good sexual romantic flirting, which I think is a healthy part of any social scene, with the proviso that 'no means no' and that flirting doesn't automatically mean sex for any adult that has a modicum of self control.
If you're saying that your exN went directly into a relationship after seeing you moving on? then good! that would probably be a good scenario for me, at least he won't bother me.
Yes I am getting therapy. I've always accessed therapy for any difficult part of my life, and I've found an incredible man that has helped me identify so much of this, put it into perspective, with the hope of not turning into a person paranoid of intimacy as a result of the craziness and brutality that I've been through. In this I think he's doing an amazing job, because I was feeling like I was becoming a 'vampire hunter', and that's a very suspicious place to be.
Regarding other people filling voids? I agree that I wouldn't want to be in a relationship, because that would certainly be me filing the void at this moment in time however,, I also think that i'm using many people to 'fill the void' at the moment, in a temporary manner. I've told friends that I am very grateful for their support, and that I promise not to be talking about such tragic stuff on such a constant level in the new future. This is not a normal time, and you can't stay toxically burnt out and empty without using some strategy to get through to another point.
I guess my thoughts were more about being able to receive romantic praise, without getting all heavy on the person giving it, and yes, that includes not needing to sexually respond, but to just enjoy an adult socio-sexual moment (flirting) without running away like a scared rabbit, or putting up defences.
I also was reflecting on how this small interaction at least gave me a small slice of 'respite', and that I think it's important to hear positive affirmations that are desire driven from people who don't expect any sort of relationship or psycho-sexual control in the equation (what I call 'normal folk' getting to know you without control issues)

dadda11o, thank you.

Yes, I did seem to see some weird things that reminded me of exN, and I focused on them in such a concentrated way because it seemed weird. And I think maybe I'll be kind of hypervigilant about that stuff for a while for me own protection. At the moment I just think they were being charming, and well anyone that's been with a N knows that can ring alarms bells big time!
However, I would be more worried if I actually had this person in my head outside of a random social interaction at a coffee shop followed by a walk through my local area.
His achievements also freaked me out a little, because we all know how Ns like to lie.
But I didn't get any feeling of needing to 'claim' or plan for the future, so that's good, and something I would watch out for.
For me it was like reliving a time that I used to occupy, where I was happy walking in my local area, where I know a lot of people, and meeting someone new, having a chat, and a flirt. That used to be part of my 'normal', and it was fine until I was stalked by uber N, and I don't want him to have the power to leave me freaked out with every charming person I meet from now on.
Thanks for your advice, you're right, there's no one way, but I'm grateful to hear of other people's perspectives.

same, sorry if I misinterpreted what you were trying to convey. Pretty drugged up on cold meds right now. Yes, I enjoy a compliment. It is nice to know that others are attracted to me. and I hope to be attracted back to someone someday.

same, sorry if I misinterpreted what you were trying to convey. Pretty drugged up on cold meds right now. Yes, I enjoy a compliment. It is nice to know that others are attracted to me. and I hope to be attracted back to someone someday.

Oh no, no apology needed, I'm trying to get my head around different perspectives. I completely value the notion of being cautious, and all of the comments thus far have given me some great things to think about, mainly boundaries, reflecting on them, being wise about what they should be, superimposing what once may have been my 'standard' boundaries over the ones that I need now, knowing that I need to be gentle with myself especially while I'm healing.
I'm really just reflecting on one moment, and because I live in an alternative area of the city which has a community that knows each other, how I plan to react. My personal feeling is that I can let this go as a passing interaction. My social accountability tells me to find ways of maintaining social connectivity towards people who are constant in my community, and if this guy is a constant, that means finding a way to say hello without needing to increase or even maintain any level of romantic intimacy.
Just figuring it all out in with the paranoia and realisation that my social instincts aren't spot on at the moment.
Thanks all.

I went through that too and it was a nice distraction for the heart break I encountered but both things turned into red flags and more trouble than I needed.

Please check out the link for my book recommendation. It covers a lot of what to look out for when dating.

Eyesopened, thanks for your comment. My mind goes all sorts of directions, but I am really not an "ookySpooky" kind of girl. I do respect the fact that dogs can hear sounds we can't, can't see bacteria, etc etc ad nauseum but a few VERY odd experiences in that general time frame I still can't make (logical) sense of, so ... nice not to feel so alone now.

I was just rereading this, post cold meds before I crash for the night. How funny the way each of us interprets other peoples thoughts. When I reread Samesames's question I had flashbacks of the N telling me how he couldn't help it if people fell in love with him and how he planned on falling in love with others whether or not we were married. I think the wording of things is what gets to me. I also found it hard to accept the fact that the N was 'falling in love with people" and noto coming home at night and he considered it OK. but I digress.

I personally think that there are stages of flirting. If someone came on to strong to fast that would be a red flag to me. I also believe there is a difference between lust and love. Lust is what you feel when you just can't stay out of the bedroom but long term really does not allow a true relationship to be formed or long term respectful love.
Love would be an overall feeling of calm, respect, and mutual reguard for each other. Not someone you can't live without, but someone who you don't want to live without. Not someone who completes you, but someone who compliments you.

Samesame, I guess you are what they call a 'deep thinker' My N decided he was one about 2 yrs ago when he began to meditate and telling everyone that he was Buddhist. I on the other hand spent the last 10 yrs raising my kids and running a day care. I think my mind cooroded a bit. For example, at my new job (high school) they were doing a workshop on Plato in the library. Me, 10 yrs of preschool thought they meant Playdough.. When I finally made the connection I laughed at myself.

To sum up, if you are comfortable with the whatever interaction is going on between you and another human than it is good and healthy. If you are not, it needs to stop so you can reevaluate. We are here to support growth however it is best for the individual. We are all going to move forward at different speeds, we all have a different idea of how relationships are to form. But, we are here to try and lift you back up if you slip and fall.

My opinion is that one NEEDs to cultivate many platonic friendships, both male and female if there is ever going to be complete healing. The important thing is not to ever hang ones feeling of self worth on the actions and views of these friends. Beleive in yourself. dare to dream and don't shortcircuit those dreams with a romance that turns toxic with red flags every where. Have the courage to "sort" the merchandise and learn who these guys are before letting your heart get in the way.

Oldendwiser, I think your idea to 'sort the merchandise' is wonderful, it's humorous, pragmatic and totally relatable for me.
And yes, I saw 'red flags' and I guess having the courage to react in a way that is in order with the deeper reflections I'm doing right now as part of recovery and healing is the test. So, I did catch up with this person again, and it is a strange feeling after having been entwined and manipulated so horrifically within a toxic relationship, to even be able to view this person with appropriate critical eyes. I'm not interested in any ongoing interactions that are in any way intimate, so now my goal is to appropriately make that clear, and maintain my boundaries and the necessary space that I've created.
I also definitely agree that many platonic friendships are incredibly important, and I have those. I've always had a very supportive group of friends of all genders and sex, and that was one of the huge 'red flags' that I missed with my exN, he had no friends that were long term, supportive, or platonic, it just took a while to work that out.
The other feeling that came up for me after posting, was that my post itself may feel a little narcissistic. And I think some of the responses kind of allude to that. This I think is really interesting.
Most stories on this site, and most literature describe NPDs specifically choosing people for their supply that are 'good looking', 'intelligent', basically some kind of 'trophy'. So we have a heap of smart beautiful people who have been torn down and victimised by narcissistic predators. And personally that attack on my self esteem has been ruthless and brutal.
Basically I think that for me the idea of being able to accept a compliment, about either my beauty or intelligence, or anything! from a stranger or acquaintance (not just good friends) without needing to overreact, or be cynically suspicious, but rather be able to assess, accept, and get on with my own path regardless, is a nice objective for me.
PS, Margaret Chow does an amazing funny sketch about people with low self esteem feeling the need to devour the people who compliment them, and while I think most of us would accept that is where most of our Ns are at, I am also concerned with building my own self esteem back to a place where I do not feel the need to devour well wishers lol.