I'm sorry you experienced this again PL x

There are a lot of narcs about, dating sites are full of them and I did try dating sites for about three days but felt too scared so came off there.

I think you need to be single a while, forget relationships and start making a relationship with yourself. Have a year alone, mantox just to find yourself again. This is just my opinion but it's working for me, there will be good men out there but maybe it takes time. There's no rush, you are an intelligent beautiful woman just remember that none of the narcs behaviour is your doing. They will repeat the same pattern with each woman. These are the guys out baiting their hook constantly looking for new supply so there might seem to be more of them than the good guys.

Hugs xx

Hiys strength ! Yes you are absolutely right, it is all about upping the self love. SIX narcs in a row. God alive. And on a sliding downwards scale, I.e they were getting worse.

The last one told me 'he never wanted to go out with me in the first place'. Jeez. Luckily I have at least some self esteem. I can see its all them. It's like a switch goes off in their head, and they decide to just hate you and run you down. Their need to destroy their victims/survivors once the victim/survivor is on to them is just scary.

You are strength for a reason ! What you say is very strong. These people are disordered when we meet them (they hide it well, say what we want to hear, lie and fake it). And they will continue to be disordered all their lives.

I feel sorry for the next victim/survivor.

They just can't love xxx

It's true PL, there are a lot of these men around and they are disordered alot of it is a power trip for them. Good for you that you recognise it and won't put up with it.

I have a friend who is with an emotional abuser, I know the reality yet she is on Facebook posting photos of the gifts he bought, bigging him up. They are now engaged! Unfrickingbelievable!!!! The power of denial is strong ....that house of cards will fall soon though as the narc has to reveal himself.

That part is the ultimate abuse, the person you once thought was amazing turns out to be an emotionally abusive mental molester! Ugh. I've seen so many women just desperate to be with someone putting up with so much crap.

I'm not missing the dating scene much!

I am with all of you. I stayed alone for over two years just to recover. I have been on and off dating sites, scared to death. I had one date I cancelled. I am basically terrified. I married two narcs. One was a mild, can't cut the cord from mommy type and the other was a monster. That encompassed 40 years of my life. I am now scared to death. There is a poem, (I cannot find the book) but paraphrased is something like the guy being your knight in shining armor and the love who makes all the promises and then a section that says, before you know it, he show you who he is, face of the devil; "he will mock you in childbirth and strike with the cloven hoof revealed." Mine had nothing to say during a very difficult birth except "wow, look at that wide ass." I know there are good people out there. I just don't trust myself to find one.

Dating sites are riddled in Narcs....Princess Leia...I find that running at the very FIRST sign works for me...Yes I've been alone too long now as a result, and sometimes I do feel very lonely..but I also haven't had to suffer one more second with a Narc..

You wrote:

The whole time I was nervous, uneasy as the thing unravelled.

Months ago, he withdrew all physical affection & sex.

He was self-confessed cold.

He not only freely told me I was not attractive, but would say I was lazy.

It struck me that you carried on when you saw huge red flags/warnings...The very first time and single moment he withdrew affection and sex..is the time to go..not months later. As for confessing to being cold...gone over and out..no thanks..and then insults...a guy would not get the opportunity to insult me more than one time...gone goodbye..

I think you have to grow zero tolerance for these traits...to protect yourself..I have studied red flags because I can't afford, spiritually and emotionally, to ever ever be involved with a Narc ever again..I did it for a long marriage util I woke up to what was really going on...and now I am super wary..its a shame to be so distrusting..but I watch for red flags and run for the hills at the sign of one..

We wont find a good guy until we require the very best for ourselves and feel good and content enough on our own...steffi63 I still also don't trust myself to find one as yet..because I am still healing and recovering from my ex..

There are some very good lists out there to help you spot a Narcissist early on..and especially a very abusive one...

Here's a few red flags to look out for...and wishing you all further healing and self love and having a good Narc radar ahead xx

Note: During the early stages of your relationship, your partner is not likely to do any of these things to you. But witnessing these attitudes and behaviors toward others is a sure sign that they will turn onto you, sooner or later.

Very Early Warning Sign

1: A Blamer:

Avoid anyone who blames his negative feelings and bad luck on someone else. Special care is necessary here, as blamers can be really seductive in dating. Their blame of others can make you look great by comparison:

"You're so smart, sensitive, caring, and loving, not like that bitch I used to go out with."

"Why couldn't I have met you before that self-centered, greedy, woman I used to date?"

"You're so calm and together, and she was so crazy and paranoid."

Hearing this kind of thing might make you think that all he really needs is the understanding and love of a good woman to change his luck. This disastrous assumption flies in the face of the Law of Blame.

The Law of Blame: It eventually goes to the closest person.

When you become the closest person to him, the blame will certainly turn on you.

Blamers can be dangerous to love because they usually suffer from victim identity. Feeling like victims, they see themselves as justified in whatever retaliation they enact and whatever compensation they take. Blamers will certainly cause pain for you if you come to love one.

Very Early Warning Sign

2: Resentment:

Resentment is a negative mood caused by focus on perceptions of unfairness. Resentful people feel like they are not getting the help, consideration, praise, reward, or affection they believe is due them.

Everyone has to put up with a certain amount of unfairness in life. We don't like it, but we deal with it and move on; we try to improve our situations and our experiences. The resentful waste their emotional energy by dwelling on the unfairness of others (while remaining oblivious to their own unfairness). They think (mistakenly) that they don't know how to improve their lives. They use resentment as a defense against a sense of failure or inadequacy.

Resentful people are so caught up in their "rights" and so locked into their own perspectives that they become completely insensitive to the rights and perspectives of others. If you fall in love with a resentful person, you will eventually become the brunt of that resentment and almost certainly feel shut out and diminished in the relationship.

Very Early Warning Sign

3: Entitlement:

People with a sense of entitlement believe that they deserve special consideration and special treatment. They may cut in front of others waiting in line, smoke wherever they want, drive any way they want, say anything they like, and do pretty much anything they choose.

Driven by high standards of what they should get and what other people should do for them, the entitled feel chronically disappointed and offended. So it seems only fair, from their myopic perspectives, that they get compensation for their constant frustrations. Special consideration seems like so little to ask! Here's the logic:

"It's so hard being me, I shouldn't have to wait in line, too!"

"With all I have to put up with, I deserve to take a few supplies from the office."

"With the kind of day I had, you expect me to mow the lawn?"

"All the taxes I pay, and they bother me about this little deduction!"

"The way I hit the golf ball, I should get the best seat in the restaurant!"

"I'm the man; you have to cook my dinner!"

After the glow of infatuation wears off, the entitled person will regard his feelings and desire as more important than yours. If you agree, you'll get depressed. If you disagree, you'll get abused.

Very Early Warning Sign

4 Superiority:

Superiority is the implication, at least through body language or tone of voice, that someone is better than someone else. Potential abusers tend to have hierarchical self-esteem, i.e., they need to feel better than someone else to feel okay about themselves. They need to point out ways in which they are smarter, more sensitive, or more talented than others. This, too, can be seductive in dating, as he will point out ways in which you are superior, too.

The most abusive form of hierarchical self-esteem is predatory self-esteem. To feel good about themselves, persons with predatory self-esteem need to make other people feel bad about themselves. Many will test high in self-esteem when they come for court-ordered treatment, while everyone else in their family tests low. But once intervention increases the self-esteem of the emotionally beaten-down spouse and children who then no longer internalize the put-downs, the predator's self-esteem invariably declines.

A variation on this very early warning sign is self-righteousness. If you dare to disagree with him, you will not only be wrong but immoral!

Very Early Warning Sign

5: Pettiness:

If he makes a big deal out of nothing or focuses on one small, negative aspect of an issue, a relationship with him will be disastrous. This might show itself as being extremely particular about how his food is prepared in a restaurant or seeming impatient if someone drops something.

In a love relationship, his petty attitudes and behavior will make you feel reduced to some small mistake, as if nothing you have ever done right in your life matters. You will feel criticized and diminished for the smallest of infractions, real or imagined.

Very Early Warning Sign

6: Sarcasm:

Sarcasm comes in many forms. Sometimes it's just poorly-timed humor - saying the wrong thing in the wrong context. Sometimes it's innocently insensitive, with no intention to hurt or offend. More often it is hostile and meant to devalue. The purpose is to undermine a perspective the sarcastic person doesn't agree with or to shake someone's confidence, just for a temporary ego gain or some strategic advantage in a negotiation.

Sarcastic people tend to be heavy into impression management, always trying to sound smart or witty. Their tone always has at least a subtle put-down in it. In dating this will be directed at others. In a relationship, it will center on you.

Very Early Warning Sign

7: Deceit (intentional and unintentional)

Unintentional deceit happens all the time in dating, due to what I call the "dating self."

We all try to put on the best face possible in dating. Most of us will exaggerate our good qualities at least a little, if we think the other person will like us more if we were just a bit more like that. "Oh, you're religious? Well I've been feeling a bit more spiritual lately, so I'm going right home and read the Bible, or at least watch the movie version."

This kind of unintentional exaggeration is meant less to deceive than to motivate the self. The exaggerator really wants to develop qualities you like; he's just not quite there, yet.

Of course, the dating self often includes blatant deception, as in, "Oh, did I tell you that I went to Harvard?" or, "Yes, I know some rich and famous people." Deceit shows a low level of self-respect -- and respect for you -- that can only bode ill in a relationship.

Very Early Warning Sign

8: Minor Jealousy:

Minor jealousy does not come off like the obvious red flag of controlling and possessive behavior. It looks more like this: He's slightly uncomfortable when you talk to or even look at another man. He might not say anything, but he looks uncomfortable.

The tough thing about minor jealousy in dating is that you actually want a tiny bit of it to know that they other person cares. (You certainly don't want to love someone who wouldn't mind at all if you slept with the entire football team.) But a little bit of jealousy goes a long, long way. Think of it as a drop of powerfully concentrated liquid in a huge bucket of water. More than a tiny drop will poison any relationship you might develop with the jealous person and, more important, put you in harm's way.

Even minor jealousy has the potential to be harmful. Jealousy becomes dangerous once it turns into obsession. The more we obsess about something, the more imagination takes over, distorting reality and rational thinking. Jealousy is the only naturally occurring emotion that can cause psychosis, which is the inability to tell what is really happening from what is in your head. Most severe violence in relationships involves some form of jealousy.

Very Early Warning Sign

9: Rusher:

I have had clients complain that their boyfriends don't pursue them or try to sweep them off their feet. I always tell them, "How lucky you are!"
Guys who go "too fast" (defined as whatever makes you uncomfortable), do not respect boundaries. One definition of "abuse" is "that which violates personal boundaries." It is not flattering that someone wants you so much that he does not care about whether you are comfortable. Make sure that any man you become interested in shows respect for your comfort-level, in all senses of the word.

Trust in Yourself

While a certain caution in dating is a good thing, you want to be sure that your caution is proactive, rather than reactive; you want it based on trusting your instincts, rather than distrusting love.

Trust in yourself stems from your deepest values. As long as you stay attuned to the most important things to and about you, you will naturally gravitate toward those who truly value you as a person.

But even if you are firmly grounded in your values, it's possible to be fooled by hidden resentment, anger, or abusive tendencies in the people you date. That's because it's easy for those prone to such tendencies to put on a false dating face. Because they have a more "fluid" sense of self than most people, it's easier for them to pour it into any container they think you might like. But they can't and won't stay in a nice container once you establish a relationship. Then their resentment, anger, or abuse will emerge in full force.

Warning Signs of an Abusive Personality:


It is sometimes possible to predict the likelihood of the person you are currently or are about to become involved with being abusive. Below are a list of behaviours and traits which are common in abusive personalities. These are commonly known as:

Warning Signs or red flags.

While not all abusive people show the same signs, or display the tendencies to the same extent, if several behavioural traits are present, there is a strong tendency toward abusiveness.

Generally, the more signs that are present, the greater the likelihood of abuse and violence.

In some cases, an abuser may have only a couple of behavioural traits that can be recognized, but they are usually very exaggerated (e.g. extreme jealousy over ridiculous things).

Often the abuser will initially try to explain his behaviour as signs of his love and concern, and the victim may be flattered at first;

As time goes on, the behaviours become more severe and serve to dominate, control and manipulate the victim.

Jealousy:

At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser will always say the jealousy is a sign of love. He may question you about whom you have spoken to or seen during the day, may accuse you of flirting, or be jealous of time you spend with family, friends, children or hobbies which do not include him.

As the jealousy progresses, he may call you frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly. He may be unhappy about or refuse to let you work or sabotage your abilty to, for fear you'll meet someone else, he might check the car mileage or ask friends to keep an eye on you. Jealousy is not proof of love, it is a sign of insecurity and possessiveness.

Controlling Behaviour:

Controlling behaviour is often disguised or excused as concern. Concern for your safety, your emotional or mental health, the need to use your time well, or to make sensible decisions.

Your abuser may be angry or upset if you are 'late' coming back from work, shopping, visiting friends, etc., even if you told him you would be later back than usual.

Your abuser may question you closely about where you were, whom you spoke to, the content of every conversation you held, or why you did something he was not involved in.

As this behaviour gets worse, it can escalte to not being allowed to make personal decisions about the house, clothing, going to church or how you spend your time or money.

Or an abuser might even make you ask for permission to leave the house or room. Alternately, he may theoretically allow you your own decisions, but penalise you for making the wrong ones. Concern for our loved ones to a certain extent is normal - trying to control their every move is not.

Quick Involvement:

Many victims of abuse dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were engaged or living together.

The abuser will often claim 'love at first sight', that you are 'made for each other', or that you are the only person whom he could ever talk to so openly, feel so at home with, could understand him so well.

He may tell you that they have never loved anyone so much or felt so loved by anyone so much before, when you have really only known each other for a short amount of time. He needs someone desperately, and will pressure you to commit to him or make love before you feel the relationship has reached 'that stage'. He may also make you feel guilty for not committing yourself to him.

Unrealistic Expectations:

The abuser may expect you to be the perfect wife, mother, lover, and friend. He is often very dependent on you for all his needs, and may tell you he can fulfil all your needs as lover, friend, and companion.

Statements such as: 'lf you love me, I'm all you need.', 'You are all I need.' are common. Your abuser may expect you to provide everything for him emotionally, practically, financially or spiritually, and then blame you for not being perfect or living up to expectation.

Isolation:

The abuser may try to curtail your social interaction. He may prevent you from spending time with your friends or family and demand that you only go places 'together'.

He may accuse you of being 'tied to your mother's apron strings', of not being committed to the relationship, or view people who are your personal friends as 'causing trouble' or 'trying to put a wedge' between you. He may alienate your good friends. He may also want to live in the country without a phone, not let you use the car, stop you from working or gaining further education or qualifications.

Blame-shifting for Problems:

Very rarely will an abusive personality accept responsibility for any negative situation or problem.

If they are unemployed, can't hold down a job, were thrown out of college or University or fall out with their family, it is always someone else's fault, be it the boss, the government, or their mother. They may feel that someone is always doing them wrong, or out to get him. He may make a mistakes and then blame you for upsetting him or preventing him from doing as they wished to.

Blame-shifting for Feelings:

The abuser will deny feelings stem from within him but see them as 'reactions' to your behaviour or attitude toward him.

He may tell you that 'you 'make' me mad', 'you're hurting me by not doing what I ask', or that he cannot help feeling mad, upset, etc...

Feelings may be used to manipulate you, i.e. 'I would not be angry if you didn't ...'

Positive emotions will often also be seen as originating outside the abuser, but are more difficult to detect.

Statements such as 'You make me happy' or 'You make me feel good about myself' are also signs that the abuser feels you are responsible for his sense of well-being.

Either way, you become in his mind the cause of good and bad feelings and are therefore responsible for his emotional well-being and happiness.

Consequently, you are also to blame for any negative feelings such as anger, upset or depression.

Hypersensitivity:

Most abusers have very low self-esteem and are therefore easily insulted or upset. They may claim their feelings are 'hurt' when they are really angry, or take unrelated comments as personal attacks.

They may perceive normal set-backs (having to work additional hours, being asked to help out, receiving a parking fine, etc.) as grave personal injustices.

They may view your preference for something which differs from their own as a criticism of their taste and therefore themselves (e.g. blue wallpaper rather than pink, etc.).

Cruelty to Animals:

The abuser may punishe animals brutally, be insensitive to their pain or suffering, or neglect to care for the animals to the point of cruelty, e.g. not feeding them all day, leaving them in areas he knows will cause them suffering or distress.

There is a strong correlation between cruelty to animals and domestic violence which is still being researched.

Cruelty to Children:

The abusers unrealistic expectations of their partner are often mirrored in their attitude toward children. He will think of children as 'small adults' and blame the children for not being responsible, having common sense or understanding.

He may expect children to be capable far beyond their ability (e.g. is angry with a two-year old for wetting their pants or being sick on the carpet, waking at night or being upset by nightmares) and will often meet out punishments for 'naughtiness' the child could not be aware of.

Abusers may tease children until they cry, or punish children way beyond what could be deemed appropriate.

He may not want children to eat at the table, expect them to stay quiet, or keep to their room all evening while he is at home.

Since abusers want all your attention themselves, they resent your spending time with the children or any normal demands and needs the children may have. As above (cruelty to animals), there is a very strong link between Domestic Violence and Child Abuse.

'Playful' use of Force in Sex:

He may pressurise you to agree to forceful or violent acts during sex, or want to act out fantasies where you are helpless.

A male abuser may let you know that the idea of "rape" excites him. He may show little concern about whether you want to have intercourse and can use sulking or anger to manipulate you into compliance.

Starting sex while you are sleeping, demanding sex when you are ill or tired, or refusing any form of intimacy unless you are willing to go 'all the way' can all be signs that he could be sexually abusive or sexually violent.

Rigid Gender Roles:

Abusers usually believe in stereotypical gender roles. A man may expect a woman to serve him; stay at home, obey him in all things - even things that are criminal in nature.

An abuser will often see women as inferior to men, more stupid, unable to be a whole person without a relationship.

Verbal Abuse:

In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, either in public or in private, this can include degrading remarks or running down any accomplishments.

Often the abuser will tell you that you are 'stupid', and could not manage without him. He may keep you up all night to 'sort this out once and for all' or even wake you at night to continue to verbally abuse you. The abuser may even say kindly things to your face, but speak badly about you to friends and family.

Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde:

Very rarely do abusers conform to the stereotypical image of a constantly harsh, nasty or violent person, either in public or in private.

More frequently the abuser portrays a perfectly normal and pleasant picture to the outside world (often they have responsible jobs or are respected and important members of the local community or Church) and reserves the abuse for you in the privacy of your own home.

Nor are abusers always overtly abusive or cruel, but can display apparent kindness and consideration.

This Jeckyll and Hyde tendency of the abuser serves to further confuse the victim, while protecting themselves from any form of suspicion from outsiders.

Many victims describe "sudden" changes in mood - one minute nice and the next explosive or hysterical, or one minute happy and the next minute sad. This does not indicate some special "mental problem" but are typical of abusive personalities, and related to other characteristics such as hypersensitivity.

Drink or Substance Abuse:

While neither drinking or the use of drugs are signs of an abusive personality, heavy drinking or drug abuse may be a warning sign and do increase the risks of abuse, especially violence, taking place.

Often an abusive person will blame the drink for his abuse. However, a person who, knowing there is a risk he could be violent when drinking or on drugs, chooses to get drunk or high, is in effect choosing to abuse.

The link between substance abuse and domestic abuse is still being researched, and it is apparent that while neither alcohol nor drugs necessarily 'cause' violence, they do increase the risk of violence.

History of Battering or Sexual Violence:

Very rarely is abuse or violence a one-off event: a batterer will beat any woman he is with; a sexually abusive person will be abusive toward all his intimate partners.

Situational circumstances do not make a person an abusive personality. Sometimes friends or family may try to warn you about the abuser.

Sometimes the abuser may tell you himself that he has hit or sexually assaulted someone in the past.

However, they may further go on to explain that "she made me do it by ..." or in some other way not take responsibility and shift the blame on to the victim. They may tell you that it won't happen with you because "you love them enough to prevent it" or "you won't be stupid enough to wind me up that much".

Once again, this is denying their own responsibility for the abuse, and shifting the responsibility for the relationship to remain abuse-free on to you. Past violence is one of the strongest pointers that abuse will occur.

If at all possible, try to speak to their previous girlfriends.

Negative Attitude toward Women:

Some men may tell you that you are different to all the women they have known before, who display a lack of respect of women generally or who talk negatively and disrespectfully of their previous wives or girlfriends.

They may tell you that you are special, not like the others and that they consider themselves to be the luckiest man alive to have found the last decent woman. It is not likely to be long before they remember that you are a woman and don't deserve their respect.

Threatening Violence:

This would obviously include any threat of physical force such as "If you speak to him/her again, I'll kill you", or "If any wife of mine acted like John's did, I'd give her a right seeing to".

Threats are designed to manipulate and control you, to keep you in your place and prevent you making your own decisions. Most people do not threaten their mates, but an abuser will excuse this behaviour by saying "everybody talks like that.", maintaining he is only saying this because the relationship or you are so important to him tell you you're "over-sensitive" for being upset by such threats, or obviously want to hurt him.

Threats can also be less overt, such as "If you leave me, I will kill myself", or "You are so wonderful, I will never let you go/couldn't live without you".

Breaking or Striking Objects:

The abusive person may break your treasured object, beat his fists on the table or chair or throw something at or past you.

Breaking your things is often used as a punishment for some imagined misdeed on your part. Sometimes it will be justified by saying that now that you are with him you don't need these items any more. Breaking your possessions also has the effect of de-personalising you, denying you your individuality or literally trying to break links to your past.

Beating items of furniture or throwing objects will often be justified by saying you wound him up so much he lost control, once again shifting the blame for this behaviour on to you, but this is actually used to terrorise you into submission.

Only very immature or abusive people beat on objects in the presence of other people in order to threaten or intimidate them.

Any Force during an Argument:

An abuser may physically restrain you from leaving the room, lash out at you with his/her hand or another object, pin you against a wall or shout 'right in your face'. Basically any form of force used during an argument can be a sign that increasinly dangerous violence is a very strong possibility.

The above list was prepared with reference to
'A Guide to recognizing Behaviors of Abusive persons', Cheektowaga Police Department.

This is also a good blog...

http://ladywithatruck.com/30-red-flags-you-might-be-dating-a-narcissist/