Narcissist Trauma Survival and Recovery Community Group
Support for those anyone who is or has been in a relationship with a narcissist. Together we are much stronger than any of us would be alone. A place for non-judgemental mutial support, advice, and comfort.
I am usually pretty leery of on-line dating, but I was wandering through cyberspace today and stumbled onto a site through some of my FB associations that goes into "Dark Psychology" and cyber-predators. I am sharing the info I found about on-line dating. The site also goes into Dark Psychology and covers subjects: cyber bully, cyber stalker, cyber criminal, online sexual predator, Internet troll or cyber terrorist. There is a pretty good (I think) resource/link list under the library tag.
I read through the suggestions and they seem sound. Maybe there are others some of you can think to add, to make the idea of on-line dating safer, especially after the initial meeting? I'm just thinking that, whether a potential partner is safe OR NOT, it is "harder" to keep one's guard up (or know "how much" is okay to reveal) after the first or second meeting ... so that would be where I could see people really adding some good ideas.
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Online Dating Magazine reports roughly 280,000 couples are married yearly started by first meeting online. Meeting a love interest online ranks third with a connection initiated by friends or love ones second and meeting someone at school or work first. It has been estimated the online dating industry will grow to 1.3 billion dollars a year by 2013. If you plan on joining the growing population of online dating site members or presently involved, spend some time learning Internet safety and online dating safety to reduce the probability of being targeted by men or women online engaged in nefarious activities.
As a first step, read Dr. Nuccitelli’s construct posted here at the site called iPredator. It is free and you do not have to join or provide personal information to read or download. As a forensic & criminal psychologist, he has designed a theoretical construct, iPredator, defining anyone who goes online to hurt, victimize or abuse other online users. The only downside of Internet and communications technology is the ability for some segments of the population to create completely fabricated online identities and seek to hurt and/or take advantage of unsuspecting men, women and children.
iPredator: A child, adult or group who, directly or indirectly, engages in exploitation, victimization, stalking, theft or disparagement of others using Information and Communications Technology (ICT.) iPredators are driven by deviant fantasies, desires for power and control, retribution, religious fanaticism, political reprisal, psychiatric illness, perceptual distortions, peer acceptance or personal and financial gain. iPredators can be any age, either gender and not bound by economic status, race or national heritage.
iPredator is a global term used to distinguish anyone who engages in criminal, deviant or abusive behaviors using Information and Communications Technology (ICT.) Whether the offender is a cyberbully, cyberstalker, cyber harasser, cyber criminal, online sexual predator, internet troll or cyber terrorist, they fall within the scope of iPredator. The three criteria used to define an iPredator include:
I. A self-awareness of causing harm to others, directly or indirectly, using ICT. II. The intermittent to frequent usage of Information and Communications Technology (ICT) to obtain, exchange and deliver harmful information. III. A general understanding of Cyberstealth used to engage in criminal or deviant activities or to profile, identify, locate, stalk and engage a target.
Unlike human predators prior to the Information Age, iPredators rely on the multitude of benefits offered by Information and Communications Technology (ICT.) These assistances include exchange of information over long distances, rapidity of information exchanged and the seemingly infinite access to data available. Malevolent in intent, iPredators rely on their capacity to deceive others using Information and Communications Technology (ICT) in the abstract electronic universe called cyberpsace.
Once you have read iPredator, be sure to follow the tips below and talk to friends and loved ones about what tips they recommend. A good metaphor to think of is you would never buy a used car without having the engine checked first and taking it for a drive. Have a great time, good luck and “listen to your heart, but follow thoughtful logic.”
1. Make sure the online dating site posts their physical address in addition to a phone number for contact. A reputable online dating company always has a physical office within your geographic region, state or country. As of 2011, the top two online dating sites safe to investigate are Match.com and eHarmony.com and there are scores of other sites competing for market share. Like with any social networking site, it is important to do your homework and always approach with caution.
2. If you are interested in a particular dating site or service, do a Google search first and check out the first 3-5 pages to see what others have said about their services. Spending a good hour or two researching the site or service should give you a fair estimate of their reputation.
3. Make sure your personal details will not be visible or passed on to third parties. Read each online dating site’s privacy statement and make sure they specifically define if and how your personal information will be shared. Your personal information should always be highly guarded and only shared with those you trust implicitly.
4. Set up a new email account for online dating that will be separate from all personal and work accounts. Make it your personal dating email account. Do not use your work email, home email or emails you frequently access. It takes 15-20 minutes to sign up for an email account reserved for online dating.
5. Keep personal details private. An online dating site with your profile is designed to attract a potential partner. This doesn’t mean you need to disclose personal details on your profile or share any information that can be used by others to identify you or your home location. With some creative thought, you can communicate attributes about yourself without disclosing identification information.
6. Do not give away too much and remember to only give out a little. In addition to keeping your personal details closely guarded, review your entire profile, privacy setting and account settings to make sure you are not giving out any unnecessary information. Given that all social networking sites have multiple account, privacy and contact settings, be mindful of becoming familiar of all these functions before posting your profile.
7. Use a bland or regular Username. When choosing a username, be aware of loaded or hidden meanings it may have. Also, never use any part of your real name in your username or public profile. With some creative thought, you can design an attractive profile name that is not overly sexually provocative or disclosing personal information.
8. Use a private cell number or service. With today’s information and communications technology, it is very easy with a little effort to locate someone’s geographic location by their phone number. Just as easy it is to set up a separate online dating email address; It is also effortless to set up a private phone contact number.
9. Stick with paid online dating services. Although many of the free online dating sites are free to sign up, post a profile and reputable, the fact others can do the same cannot be overlooked. Most iPredators will look to target their prey at these sites because they do not have to pay using personally identifiable information. Although many of these sites are legitimate and save consumers membership fees, they still can’t verify their members are who they’re portraying themselves to be. This is true as well for paid sites, but having to pay with a credit card decreases the iPredator pool.
10. Arrange to meet. When meeting for the first time, never allow your date to pick you up from your home. In fact, your date should not even know where you live. It certainly is acceptable letting the person know why you are requiring that this forum is mandatory. If they dispute this request, they clearly have little respect for your wishes and indicates their motives may not be genuine.
11. Meet in a public place. For a first date, always meet in a public place where other people are close by. You may also want to consider going out with a group of people, or a double date. As It is important to meet first at an arranged location, It is equally imperative to meet in a public place.
12. If you insist and/or agree to share the bill on the date, bring along your wallet or pocketbook and pay with cash. Never pay using a credit card as it can leave a paper trail of your home or work location.
13. Always provide your own transportation to your public meeting place for your first date and be sure to tell that person in a creative way others know who you are with and where. Not only does providing your own transportation provide you a quick exit if the person is not who they claimed to be, it prevents them from knowing where you work and reside.
14. Always, tell a friend or loved one where you are going. Be sure someone knows where you are going, whom you’ll be with and an approximate time you’ll be calling him or her to let them know you are fine. It also does not hurt to let your date know, in a creative way, that you are obliged to call that contact to inform them of your welfare.
15. It is always safer to give out your cell phone number instead of your home phone number. Never give out your home phone number before or after your first date. If for some reason you could not secure a private phone number as suggested in Tip #8 before the date, inform them you will contact them the following day or email them once you have settled in for the evening.
16. Do your homework. Only sign up for dating sites or services after you have carefully read the Terms & Conditions, understand their billing and checked out their reputation. It may take an hour to review, but it will specifically state what you are authorizing the site can do regarding your personal information.
The tips provided may sound a little melodramatic, but the research, online users and professionals this writer has spoken with have proven otherwise. As stated above, “listen to your heart, but follow thoughtful logic.”
I read through the suggestions and they seem sound. Maybe there are others some of you can think to add, to make the idea of on-line dating safer, especially after the initial meeting? I'm just thinking that, whether a potential partner is safe OR NOT, it is "harder" to keep one's guard up (or know "how much" is okay to reveal) after the first or second meeting ... so that would be where I could see people really adding some good ideas.
*********************************************************************************************************************************
Online Dating Magazine reports roughly 280,000 couples are married yearly started by first meeting online. Meeting a love interest online ranks third with a connection initiated by friends or love ones second and meeting someone at school or work first. It has been estimated the online dating industry will grow to 1.3 billion dollars a year by 2013. If you plan on joining the growing population of online dating site members or presently involved, spend some time learning Internet safety and online dating safety to reduce the probability of being targeted by men or women online engaged in nefarious activities.
As a first step, read Dr. Nuccitelli’s construct posted here at the site called iPredator. It is free and you do not have to join or provide personal information to read or download. As a forensic & criminal psychologist, he has designed a theoretical construct, iPredator, defining anyone who goes online to hurt, victimize or abuse other online users. The only downside of Internet and communications technology is the ability for some segments of the population to create completely fabricated online identities and seek to hurt and/or take advantage of unsuspecting men, women and children.
iPredator: A child, adult or group who, directly or indirectly, engages in exploitation, victimization, stalking, theft or disparagement of others using Information and Communications Technology (ICT.) iPredators are driven by deviant fantasies, desires for power and control, retribution, religious fanaticism, political reprisal, psychiatric illness, perceptual distortions, peer acceptance or personal and financial gain. iPredators can be any age, either gender and not bound by economic status, race or national heritage.
iPredator is a global term used to distinguish anyone who engages in criminal, deviant or abusive behaviors using Information and Communications Technology (ICT.) Whether the offender is a cyberbully, cyberstalker, cyber harasser, cyber criminal, online sexual predator, internet troll or cyber terrorist, they fall within the scope of iPredator. The three criteria used to define an iPredator include:
I. A self-awareness of causing harm to others, directly or indirectly, using ICT. II. The intermittent to frequent usage of Information and Communications Technology (ICT) to obtain, exchange and deliver harmful information. III. A general understanding of Cyberstealth used to engage in criminal or deviant activities or to profile, identify, locate, stalk and engage a target.
Unlike human predators prior to the Information Age, iPredators rely on the multitude of benefits offered by Information and Communications Technology (ICT.) These assistances include exchange of information over long distances, rapidity of information exchanged and the seemingly infinite access to data available. Malevolent in intent, iPredators rely on their capacity to deceive others using Information and Communications Technology (ICT) in the abstract electronic universe called cyberpsace.
Once you have read iPredator, be sure to follow the tips below and talk to friends and loved ones about what tips they recommend. A good metaphor to think of is you would never buy a used car without having the engine checked first and taking it for a drive. Have a great time, good luck and “listen to your heart, but follow thoughtful logic.”
1. Make sure the online dating site posts their physical address in addition to a phone number for contact. A reputable online dating company always has a physical office within your geographic region, state or country. As of 2011, the top two online dating sites safe to investigate are Match.com and eHarmony.com and there are scores of other sites competing for market share. Like with any social networking site, it is important to do your homework and always approach with caution.
2. If you are interested in a particular dating site or service, do a Google search first and check out the first 3-5 pages to see what others have said about their services. Spending a good hour or two researching the site or service should give you a fair estimate of their reputation.
3. Make sure your personal details will not be visible or passed on to third parties. Read each online dating site’s privacy statement and make sure they specifically define if and how your personal information will be shared. Your personal information should always be highly guarded and only shared with those you trust implicitly.
4. Set up a new email account for online dating that will be separate from all personal and work accounts. Make it your personal dating email account. Do not use your work email, home email or emails you frequently access. It takes 15-20 minutes to sign up for an email account reserved for online dating.
5. Keep personal details private. An online dating site with your profile is designed to attract a potential partner. This doesn’t mean you need to disclose personal details on your profile or share any information that can be used by others to identify you or your home location. With some creative thought, you can communicate attributes about yourself without disclosing identification information.
6. Do not give away too much and remember to only give out a little. In addition to keeping your personal details closely guarded, review your entire profile, privacy setting and account settings to make sure you are not giving out any unnecessary information. Given that all social networking sites have multiple account, privacy and contact settings, be mindful of becoming familiar of all these functions before posting your profile.
7. Use a bland or regular Username. When choosing a username, be aware of loaded or hidden meanings it may have. Also, never use any part of your real name in your username or public profile. With some creative thought, you can design an attractive profile name that is not overly sexually provocative or disclosing personal information.
8. Use a private cell number or service. With today’s information and communications technology, it is very easy with a little effort to locate someone’s geographic location by their phone number. Just as easy it is to set up a separate online dating email address; It is also effortless to set up a private phone contact number.
9. Stick with paid online dating services. Although many of the free online dating sites are free to sign up, post a profile and reputable, the fact others can do the same cannot be overlooked. Most iPredators will look to target their prey at these sites because they do not have to pay using personally identifiable information. Although many of these sites are legitimate and save consumers membership fees, they still can’t verify their members are who they’re portraying themselves to be. This is true as well for paid sites, but having to pay with a credit card decreases the iPredator pool.
10. Arrange to meet. When meeting for the first time, never allow your date to pick you up from your home. In fact, your date should not even know where you live. It certainly is acceptable letting the person know why you are requiring that this forum is mandatory. If they dispute this request, they clearly have little respect for your wishes and indicates their motives may not be genuine.
11. Meet in a public place. For a first date, always meet in a public place where other people are close by. You may also want to consider going out with a group of people, or a double date. As It is important to meet first at an arranged location, It is equally imperative to meet in a public place.
12. If you insist and/or agree to share the bill on the date, bring along your wallet or pocketbook and pay with cash. Never pay using a credit card as it can leave a paper trail of your home or work location.
13. Always provide your own transportation to your public meeting place for your first date and be sure to tell that person in a creative way others know who you are with and where. Not only does providing your own transportation provide you a quick exit if the person is not who they claimed to be, it prevents them from knowing where you work and reside.
14. Always, tell a friend or loved one where you are going. Be sure someone knows where you are going, whom you’ll be with and an approximate time you’ll be calling him or her to let them know you are fine. It also does not hurt to let your date know, in a creative way, that you are obliged to call that contact to inform them of your welfare.
15. It is always safer to give out your cell phone number instead of your home phone number. Never give out your home phone number before or after your first date. If for some reason you could not secure a private phone number as suggested in Tip #8 before the date, inform them you will contact them the following day or email them once you have settled in for the evening.
16. Do your homework. Only sign up for dating sites or services after you have carefully read the Terms & Conditions, understand their billing and checked out their reputation. It may take an hour to review, but it will specifically state what you are authorizing the site can do regarding your personal information.
The tips provided may sound a little melodramatic, but the research, online users and professionals this writer has spoken with have proven otherwise. As stated above, “listen to your heart, but follow thoughtful logic.”
Even though at this point in time, it's not something I see myself doing, I liked this because it encourages caution but isn't "gloomy". And I really like the statement, "listen to your heart, but follow thoughtful logic," because it seems to be the "goal" of therapy ... making wise decisions that satisfy needs and wants.