Narcissist Trauma Survival and Recovery Community Group
Support for those anyone who is or has been in a relationship with a narcissist. Together we are much stronger than any of us would be alone. A place for non-judgemental mutial support, advice, and comfort.
November 1, 1992
We left California today. I had to give up my job with Frito Lay; never been to Indiana before. Also had to trash 4 boxes of books as father-in-law said they would be too much for his trailer. Our daughter is 8 months old and I am now nearly certain I am pregnant with our second child. We're accompanied by "our" dog ... the one he got at the grocery store one day ... in violation of our lease. Lost our $800 deposit as a result ... It takes several days to reach Arkansas ... we traveled on 10, the southern route, as cautious father-in-law wants to avoid possible snow. Husband is basically blind at this time ... he was scheduled to go back to work during the summer, but his eyes "blew up" (bleeding hemorrhages) the Friday before he was to do so. So, we are moving to Indiana, to be close to my in-laws, for moral and other "support".
November 1, 1998
They let me out of the "loony bin" today. I was forced to go to the women's shelter to spend the night. Friday, we were supposed to have a hearing for "provisional orders" as I had nowhere to go and he had closed our joint accounts and turned them into individual. He'd filed for divorce in September, after having the children snatched when I went to the house to pick up some clothing and such ... I'd made arrangements to stay at a friend's, in town, so we could (hopefully) work out disagreements. Since he'd brought his filled out divorce papers home in August, three days before my birthday (and the first night police were ever at our house), arguments had increased, gotten much worse ... partially as a result of my feeling better in therapy. I realized I couldn't be the only one asked or expected to make "changes" ... or handle the ever increasing load that was put on me.
right. I can remember chasing after them, through the field/yard that separates our house from the in-laws. All of a sudden, the danger aspect struck me again ... they could kill me and throw me into the woods or down the basement stairs ... who would know? I got into my car, hysterical, and drove to a friend's ... nobody home, so to the gas station, where I asked to use the phone. I can remember being hysterical as I cried and told them my children had been taken.
I had gone to the Court after spending the night in the grocery store parking lot. Most of my panic attacks seemed to center around my being killed. I was in terror in the Court ... both attorneys were there, ex and his parents. He said he wanted me to come back "home". I did ... but I had been walking around in a daze for nearly two months ... not understanding, anymore whether I was in a dream (nightmare), maybe a coma? Or was I actively hallucinating, because reality was more terrible than I could endure. Maybe my husband and our daughters were really dead and it was my fault ... maybe he had killed them and himself as a result of the report I'd made? Maybe he had been killed as a result of the report ... and it was my fault ... good faith report, but. So it was horrible .... and I couldn't grasp what was going on, anymore. I'd spent time in shelters, where it seemed all I heard was how I was going to be killed, eventually, by him ... couldn't handle that good time so had resorted to sleeping, or trying to sleep in the car, in places open 24 hours. Not easy, as I was scared that someone would "get me" in the middle of the night, anyway. Plus, no heat and increasingly colder nights ...
Saturday was Halloween ... I kept having these panic attacks ... I could see myself being dragged out to the woods behind the house, surrounded by husband and (our) "friends" and having my heart ripped out of my body, while I was still alive. I kept alternating between panic attack, stomach ache and headache, particularly as midnight approached. I decided at one point to "save myself" and decided I'd go to hospital for the stomach and head aches. Ex made arrangements with two friends to drive there. He got angry when I changed my mind. I didn't want to go to hospital, but I didn't want my heart ripped out, either. After returning to the house and with children in bed, I sat down and said, "I just want to go home." I meant, HOME, where emotionally and otherwise, a person is safe. He called paramedics ... my blood pressure was elevated and they wanted to take me to hospital. Before they got there, he was yelling at me, "you are going!!" I told them I didn't want to go ... then the police were there (again) and made me go ... the officer told me if I "didn't need to be there, I could have a ride back". He'd gotten a judicial warrant ... translating my words of "I just want to go home," into a serious suicidal threat ... of course, not one person talked with me or ASKED what I meant. The ER doctor had to make a statement to get me into the mental health lock up, but he had nothing to note from the exam ... he based it all on "statements of EMS and husband" as to my suicidality. Much later, I realized that I was experiencing panic attacks, and apparently, mine are very visual and metaphorical ... the whole thing with getting my heart ripped out was actually what I felt was happening.
Monday, the 2nd, I showed up for my ride back at the police station. A female officer finally and reluctantly drove me back. She said barely a word. When we got up the driveway, he came out and stood there, shouting that I wasn't coming back in ... I was still without money or anywhere to stay ... a very clever way of getting out of "provisional orders" (especially as later, I was found to be disabled two days before showing up in Court). He had piled my car full of black trash bags, holding clothing and personal items. I had to dump most of them into the Goodwill bins in order to drive safely. The police officer didn't say a word or intervene, as he shouted and refused to let me back into the house. Later, I learned that he and our daughters (who both received 3 unexcused absences) had flown to Washington the next day, because he needed some "stress relief". Funny that he never had mentioned making a trip in the two days I'd been back ...
November 1, 2013
Today, someone knocked at the door of the house we bought a bit over 16 years ago. Amazingly, the mortgage is nearly the same as it was then ... despite my putting $10,000 on the principal, back in 2001 or 2002, which knocked it down nearly $20,000 from where it sits today ... it should nearly be paid off ... but while I was gone, he refinanced it at least twice. And then, once more, when I was here ... he and I had our credit reports both done, but then decided to just go with his because there was a bit better of interest rate ...
Today, I learned the mortgage is headed toward default. And sadly, I know that mine is one of many sad stories ... although, in my own mind at least, it is sadder ... as I know that I can't take over the loan ... and if my name was on the mortgage (already), I could ... and most of my own debts were a result of his previous Court and other actions ... the poor settlement and refusing to return my car ... yet I had paid faithfully, up to this summer, as best I could ...
It's sort of hard. I can't understand why ... has everything seemed to go so wrong, when I have not been in the wrong, tried to take advantage of the situation and was even willing to go, at a loss? Is there any meaning to all that has occurred, and even in these rough and painful circumstances? Or is it just the tendency of the human mind to make sense of chaos, surety out of confusion? I think there is meaning, probably because I have seen the impossible happen before ... I did get my daughters back ... I got my mind back ... and learned that sometimes, "mental illness" is INJURY ... there is a point at which most people cannot handle "psychic trauma" ... one of the reasons those held in tortuous circumstances and/or solitary confinement ... who don't "snap" are much studied. Even now, my therapist seems amazed that I am "sane". I ask, "what choice do I have?" I got as good or better job than I had before, previously and was working towards re-entering my previous career ... starting a small business ... and more avenues were open as a result of my explorations and experiences in and since the first divorce.
From where I stand right now, and even with faith, it IS hard ... nearly impossible ... to see HOW this situation ... no money, no recent (real) job experience, ruined credit ... a car with 200k + miles and nowhere to go ... can turn out to have a happy ending ... yet, I can remember, too ... sitting on the beach at 21 or 22 years old, thinking I would never have a family ... never have the kind of holidays I remembered as a child ... lots of good food, friends and family around ... traditions to look forward to from year to year. But that came about too ... it was not all bad ... and so I realize that there really are some mysterious ways of things coming about.
This is not the end; and though I have NO idea where my story goes from here ... I have faith and true belief that there will be happier and more stable days in future. It is sort of scary ... but I am curious, too, as I am usually goal oriented and a planner. Going into the unknown, particularly unprepared, is not something I am prone to do ... but it seems that for now ... I really am not going to have much choice in the matter.
We left California today. I had to give up my job with Frito Lay; never been to Indiana before. Also had to trash 4 boxes of books as father-in-law said they would be too much for his trailer. Our daughter is 8 months old and I am now nearly certain I am pregnant with our second child. We're accompanied by "our" dog ... the one he got at the grocery store one day ... in violation of our lease. Lost our $800 deposit as a result ... It takes several days to reach Arkansas ... we traveled on 10, the southern route, as cautious father-in-law wants to avoid possible snow. Husband is basically blind at this time ... he was scheduled to go back to work during the summer, but his eyes "blew up" (bleeding hemorrhages) the Friday before he was to do so. So, we are moving to Indiana, to be close to my in-laws, for moral and other "support".
November 1, 1998
They let me out of the "loony bin" today. I was forced to go to the women's shelter to spend the night. Friday, we were supposed to have a hearing for "provisional orders" as I had nowhere to go and he had closed our joint accounts and turned them into individual. He'd filed for divorce in September, after having the children snatched when I went to the house to pick up some clothing and such ... I'd made arrangements to stay at a friend's, in town, so we could (hopefully) work out disagreements. Since he'd brought his filled out divorce papers home in August, three days before my birthday (and the first night police were ever at our house), arguments had increased, gotten much worse ... partially as a result of my feeling better in therapy. I realized I couldn't be the only one asked or expected to make "changes" ... or handle the ever increasing load that was put on me.
right. I can remember chasing after them, through the field/yard that separates our house from the in-laws. All of a sudden, the danger aspect struck me again ... they could kill me and throw me into the woods or down the basement stairs ... who would know? I got into my car, hysterical, and drove to a friend's ... nobody home, so to the gas station, where I asked to use the phone. I can remember being hysterical as I cried and told them my children had been taken.
I had gone to the Court after spending the night in the grocery store parking lot. Most of my panic attacks seemed to center around my being killed. I was in terror in the Court ... both attorneys were there, ex and his parents. He said he wanted me to come back "home". I did ... but I had been walking around in a daze for nearly two months ... not understanding, anymore whether I was in a dream (nightmare), maybe a coma? Or was I actively hallucinating, because reality was more terrible than I could endure. Maybe my husband and our daughters were really dead and it was my fault ... maybe he had killed them and himself as a result of the report I'd made? Maybe he had been killed as a result of the report ... and it was my fault ... good faith report, but. So it was horrible .... and I couldn't grasp what was going on, anymore. I'd spent time in shelters, where it seemed all I heard was how I was going to be killed, eventually, by him ... couldn't handle that good time so had resorted to sleeping, or trying to sleep in the car, in places open 24 hours. Not easy, as I was scared that someone would "get me" in the middle of the night, anyway. Plus, no heat and increasingly colder nights ...
Saturday was Halloween ... I kept having these panic attacks ... I could see myself being dragged out to the woods behind the house, surrounded by husband and (our) "friends" and having my heart ripped out of my body, while I was still alive. I kept alternating between panic attack, stomach ache and headache, particularly as midnight approached. I decided at one point to "save myself" and decided I'd go to hospital for the stomach and head aches. Ex made arrangements with two friends to drive there. He got angry when I changed my mind. I didn't want to go to hospital, but I didn't want my heart ripped out, either. After returning to the house and with children in bed, I sat down and said, "I just want to go home." I meant, HOME, where emotionally and otherwise, a person is safe. He called paramedics ... my blood pressure was elevated and they wanted to take me to hospital. Before they got there, he was yelling at me, "you are going!!" I told them I didn't want to go ... then the police were there (again) and made me go ... the officer told me if I "didn't need to be there, I could have a ride back". He'd gotten a judicial warrant ... translating my words of "I just want to go home," into a serious suicidal threat ... of course, not one person talked with me or ASKED what I meant. The ER doctor had to make a statement to get me into the mental health lock up, but he had nothing to note from the exam ... he based it all on "statements of EMS and husband" as to my suicidality. Much later, I realized that I was experiencing panic attacks, and apparently, mine are very visual and metaphorical ... the whole thing with getting my heart ripped out was actually what I felt was happening.
Monday, the 2nd, I showed up for my ride back at the police station. A female officer finally and reluctantly drove me back. She said barely a word. When we got up the driveway, he came out and stood there, shouting that I wasn't coming back in ... I was still without money or anywhere to stay ... a very clever way of getting out of "provisional orders" (especially as later, I was found to be disabled two days before showing up in Court). He had piled my car full of black trash bags, holding clothing and personal items. I had to dump most of them into the Goodwill bins in order to drive safely. The police officer didn't say a word or intervene, as he shouted and refused to let me back into the house. Later, I learned that he and our daughters (who both received 3 unexcused absences) had flown to Washington the next day, because he needed some "stress relief". Funny that he never had mentioned making a trip in the two days I'd been back ...
November 1, 2013
Today, someone knocked at the door of the house we bought a bit over 16 years ago. Amazingly, the mortgage is nearly the same as it was then ... despite my putting $10,000 on the principal, back in 2001 or 2002, which knocked it down nearly $20,000 from where it sits today ... it should nearly be paid off ... but while I was gone, he refinanced it at least twice. And then, once more, when I was here ... he and I had our credit reports both done, but then decided to just go with his because there was a bit better of interest rate ...
Today, I learned the mortgage is headed toward default. And sadly, I know that mine is one of many sad stories ... although, in my own mind at least, it is sadder ... as I know that I can't take over the loan ... and if my name was on the mortgage (already), I could ... and most of my own debts were a result of his previous Court and other actions ... the poor settlement and refusing to return my car ... yet I had paid faithfully, up to this summer, as best I could ...
It's sort of hard. I can't understand why ... has everything seemed to go so wrong, when I have not been in the wrong, tried to take advantage of the situation and was even willing to go, at a loss? Is there any meaning to all that has occurred, and even in these rough and painful circumstances? Or is it just the tendency of the human mind to make sense of chaos, surety out of confusion? I think there is meaning, probably because I have seen the impossible happen before ... I did get my daughters back ... I got my mind back ... and learned that sometimes, "mental illness" is INJURY ... there is a point at which most people cannot handle "psychic trauma" ... one of the reasons those held in tortuous circumstances and/or solitary confinement ... who don't "snap" are much studied. Even now, my therapist seems amazed that I am "sane". I ask, "what choice do I have?" I got as good or better job than I had before, previously and was working towards re-entering my previous career ... starting a small business ... and more avenues were open as a result of my explorations and experiences in and since the first divorce.
From where I stand right now, and even with faith, it IS hard ... nearly impossible ... to see HOW this situation ... no money, no recent (real) job experience, ruined credit ... a car with 200k + miles and nowhere to go ... can turn out to have a happy ending ... yet, I can remember, too ... sitting on the beach at 21 or 22 years old, thinking I would never have a family ... never have the kind of holidays I remembered as a child ... lots of good food, friends and family around ... traditions to look forward to from year to year. But that came about too ... it was not all bad ... and so I realize that there really are some mysterious ways of things coming about.
This is not the end; and though I have NO idea where my story goes from here ... I have faith and true belief that there will be happier and more stable days in future. It is sort of scary ... but I am curious, too, as I am usually goal oriented and a planner. Going into the unknown, particularly unprepared, is not something I am prone to do ... but it seems that for now ... I really am not going to have much choice in the matter.
I totally know how you got where you are today because it is my story too. But my car only has 125K miles on it, LOL. Piling up credit card debts, losing the house to default when there was no need to -- been there done that. Bit by bit you clear it out. It will be so much easier to keep it clear with him gone. It is not a fun process, lots of loss to grieve. I lost my career too, to all of this. But it does finally lift, bit by bit. And we got our kids, that's the main thing. I would have camped out homeless if that meant getting rid of my ex.
I don't know how it turns around, it just does. At some point, things just get better. One good thing leads to another good thing, and then the tide turns. Maybe there is something to this intention and to energies we put out there.
Ironically for me, my first and best good thing happened when I gave up. I told my best thing to go away, to give up on me. He didn't. I guess that level of desperation sparked us both and we're both better off for it. As my life started to improve (only recently the last 3 months or so), so many more good things have started to happen. Trust in friends, clear the decks, and seize any opportunities. Your love will show though and people will help somehow.