Narcissist Trauma Survival and Recovery Community Group
Support for those anyone who is or has been in a relationship with a narcissist. Together we are much stronger than any of us would be alone. A place for non-judgemental mutial support, advice, and comfort.
I came here from the Co-D board.
Im struggling with my current Husband.
We met while ceroc dancing, he was sitting alone and he looked sad so I went over and asked him to dance. We spent a fun evening together, I wasn't too sure about him to be honest as he kept asking to kiss me which I felt was really inappropriate….but I felt a connection. He went home without getting my number which I thought was strange after he had pursued me all evening.
Two weeks later he was at the dancing again. ( I missed a week) and came straight up to me and gave me a ticket for a BBQ dance the next week. He told me he had been to every dance for the last 2 weeks trying to see me. ( oh how I was flattered!!!) so we danced the night away. He was attentive , very charming and flattering. We arranged a date for the next night.
The first date baffled me a little, he wanted me to go to him ( not something I usually do…) but as we lived in different towns I agreed. He took me to see his work and then out to dinner. I was blown away by his attentiveness and how much we had in common!
So this whirlwind continued for a full ten days, day and night full on, very emotional and extremely intimate.
Then he went away to Spain for a week and I didn't hear from him at all.
I was devastated.
When he came back he again called me over to his place and it went on from there. I was so relieved he had called me, that the last ten days hadn't been a dream….I would have done anything!!!
So then he took me, my children and his son on a holiday to centreparcs. It was an amazing week. He told me that by the end of that week I would be in love with him ( this is 3 weeks since we met!!!)
I think you get the gist of how this is going - I was well and truly swept off my feet and relocated to live with him, he gave my eldest daughter a job too. I moved 30 miles away from all my family. He promised me my dream of opening an art gallery and we looked at property.
He didn't want me to work or continue my education ( i had done 2 out of 3 years of a degree) and proposed shortly after. I was well and truly a kept women. He sold my car one day while I was out….then the alarm bells rang!
So in reality - here I am 2 years later…he wasn't quite what he seemed for sure. He didn't not have the available funds to open an art gallery at all. He had been married three times before and cheated on them all. He often did hugely inappropriate things while we were out, he once asked a bar maid what sex toys she liked, in front of me and my daughter….he often goes up to women and flatters them, telling me he wanted to make her feel good about herself. He comments on other womens clothes and handbags. He even picked up someones crying child in a pub garden.
He baffles me….
and then theres the finances to which I have no access. He gives me an allowance which I have to spend on food. My role here is to have sex with him whenever he wants, cook and clean and be available whenever he wants to socialise. He has no friends and is self-employed.
So here I am!
I have spent 2 years wrestling with how I feel about all this. I came to the initial conclusion that It is up to me to make a life for myself within this framework. I feel a bit trapped.
My self-esteem is at an all time low. I am suffering from depression but feeling better than I did. My anxiety and PTSD is off the scale. All these things keep me here.
So I am working on me and my issues which brought me here. I am living off him and saving what I can I am determined to create a future for myself with choices.
On the whole we get on very well, if I comply. Life is ok.
but here I am, trying to make sense of it all!
Im struggling with my current Husband.
We met while ceroc dancing, he was sitting alone and he looked sad so I went over and asked him to dance. We spent a fun evening together, I wasn't too sure about him to be honest as he kept asking to kiss me which I felt was really inappropriate….but I felt a connection. He went home without getting my number which I thought was strange after he had pursued me all evening.
Two weeks later he was at the dancing again. ( I missed a week) and came straight up to me and gave me a ticket for a BBQ dance the next week. He told me he had been to every dance for the last 2 weeks trying to see me. ( oh how I was flattered!!!) so we danced the night away. He was attentive , very charming and flattering. We arranged a date for the next night.
The first date baffled me a little, he wanted me to go to him ( not something I usually do…) but as we lived in different towns I agreed. He took me to see his work and then out to dinner. I was blown away by his attentiveness and how much we had in common!
So this whirlwind continued for a full ten days, day and night full on, very emotional and extremely intimate.
Then he went away to Spain for a week and I didn't hear from him at all.
I was devastated.
When he came back he again called me over to his place and it went on from there. I was so relieved he had called me, that the last ten days hadn't been a dream….I would have done anything!!!
So then he took me, my children and his son on a holiday to centreparcs. It was an amazing week. He told me that by the end of that week I would be in love with him ( this is 3 weeks since we met!!!)
I think you get the gist of how this is going - I was well and truly swept off my feet and relocated to live with him, he gave my eldest daughter a job too. I moved 30 miles away from all my family. He promised me my dream of opening an art gallery and we looked at property.
He didn't want me to work or continue my education ( i had done 2 out of 3 years of a degree) and proposed shortly after. I was well and truly a kept women. He sold my car one day while I was out….then the alarm bells rang!
So in reality - here I am 2 years later…he wasn't quite what he seemed for sure. He didn't not have the available funds to open an art gallery at all. He had been married three times before and cheated on them all. He often did hugely inappropriate things while we were out, he once asked a bar maid what sex toys she liked, in front of me and my daughter….he often goes up to women and flatters them, telling me he wanted to make her feel good about herself. He comments on other womens clothes and handbags. He even picked up someones crying child in a pub garden.
He baffles me….
and then theres the finances to which I have no access. He gives me an allowance which I have to spend on food. My role here is to have sex with him whenever he wants, cook and clean and be available whenever he wants to socialise. He has no friends and is self-employed.
So here I am!
I have spent 2 years wrestling with how I feel about all this. I came to the initial conclusion that It is up to me to make a life for myself within this framework. I feel a bit trapped.
My self-esteem is at an all time low. I am suffering from depression but feeling better than I did. My anxiety and PTSD is off the scale. All these things keep me here.
So I am working on me and my issues which brought me here. I am living off him and saving what I can I am determined to create a future for myself with choices.
On the whole we get on very well, if I comply. Life is ok.
but here I am, trying to make sense of it all!
I've been divorced (for the second time from same person) for about 19 months; he filed 46 months ago. I asked him for 5-6 months to save money, OH, NO!!! I didn't want any part of the house, etc, if he'd agree top that.
Now, he finally "screwed me out of settlement" and left our 21 year old with her credit destroyed.
And yes, I moved almost 2000 miles from my relatives ... we've lived next door to his parents since 1997 and never more than 3 miles from them since we moved here in 1992.
In my case, I was expected to be the breadwinner and after a time, he began to remind me of Peter Pan. I thought at first it was his parents, but after a while I realize he had a part in this too ... I mean, if I could leave and make a life ...
They have a script, yes, you are supposed to follow it. I went to therapy, because I couldn't quite figure out "what was wrong" when I had a new house, promising career, two beautiful daughters and as I thought, a "good enough" loving marriage. It was when I started being a bit assertive again that everything hit the fan.
The "script" training can be fast or slow, but all of a sudden you wake up or something hits you right and you realize you aren't yourself anymore .... always accommodating others (him), making sacrifices ... where he often won't give up until he gets what he wants (his way) and so on.
Definitely boundary violations ... selling your car?? So you can't work, can't easily visit your relatives, I assume ... you can't get fed up and LEAVE. If my hunch is right, likely everything is titled in HIS name?
I'm not surprised you are struggling! You sound like you have a lot of potential that is just going to waste and that can be quite frustrating, to say the least! (My experience)
Yes, as long as YOU COMPLY, life can be at least tolerable. YOU are not really "you" anymore, though. You've been "bought and paid for" and now, it's time to play and perform. Like being a toy in the closet, or as some call it, "an extension" of him. HE projects into you and you are to dutifully play out the projections, follow the script. You "having your own life" or a mind of your own is foreign and incomprehensible, as much so as if one of your own body parts wanted to go "do it's own thing" when you aren't using it.
It sounds like you are making a start by saving what money you can. Do you have opportunity to speak or visit with friends or your relatives? Do they notice a difference in you? Oh, and maybe this helps, but their "self-esteem" is in the trash. Could be that some of your own emotional state is due to being used as a "container" for his split off parts.
I've come to call myself a "legally regulated hostage". I'm not normally the type of person to put up with what is, here, but the trap was his snatching our children and getting "ownership" (custody).
I hope (!) you are not trying to make sense of him ... when it gets down to it, there isn't any (good, anyway!).
Make sense of where you want to be and continue to set goals for yourself. It sounds like you know that you oughn't share these, particularly if they involve leaving. Most of them pick up on our growing awareness and skepticism, even before we become conscious of it; that is often when the "devalue and discard" occur, because they cannot survive without someone to provide. for them.
Welcome! Be considerate and caring of yourself; it's sort of the frog being boiled by degrees. You wouldn't have signed up if you'd gotten the truth; it's basically con artistry and no shame in falling prey, when a lot of these people truly DO believe their own PR and lies ... somehow that increases the sense of their sincerity (til you know better), so it would come across as pretty genuine, til as you say, something blatant sets of the alarm bells! And hugs; there really are better days ahead, though it may not seem so right now.
I do try and figure him out all the time but fail!
I dont understand why he does the things he does at all. as I am home a lot I mentioned I would love a dog again….he said ' but then you would have to get up and tend to the dog instead of looking after my needs in the morning.' I think that pretty much sums him up.
His last marriage seemed to fail after a child was born and he said ' she fell in love with someone else' meaning their son.
and his second marriage the same thing happened but this time she found out he was having an affair and booted him out.
Just had an argument with him just now before he goes out to work, I asked him if he was okay as he didn't seem himself. He said the only thing wrong with me is you keep asking me if I am ok. . He was nasty and made me look at him and say ' ok I understand'/ I felt humiliated and it made me feel a bit scared.
He goes into these hyper focus modes when he is blinkered to anything around him, or anyone. He is a very self-centred person.
When we make love I cannot tell if he is feeling emotions or just play acting.
I know I read too much into things and shouldn't but its kind of creepy. He seems false somehow. I feel wary all the time.
The thing which worries me is that I have no job future. and I don't know how I can ever get one.
Making love---At this point he's acting. He is probably having an affair which means the lovemaking is duty sex to keep you hooked to him. You have become his possession and he aims to keep you as long as possible.
He is false and you will be wary as long as you stay with him. The wariness you are feeling is the same as feeling like you are walking on eggshells. You are waiting for something but don't quite know what?
Sometimes you have to do things on faith. Faith that you will find a job and that you can take care of yourself. I left on faith that our local court system would give me what I need to live. So far those agreements made with the ex have been tested three times and he's lost every time. I'm doing okay. When I've had a real need that need has been filled. I haven't been given things but the ability to work for what I need. Have faith in yourself and you can do amazing things.
I understand what you mean about things being ok as long as you comply, you probably don't realise just how much you're living on eggshells right now. That's how things were for me for a long time, as time goes by though the slightest thing will probably set him off. Mine became extremely controlling and argued with me to explain a two hour gap between him ringing me. I had been to see family ! They will take everything, your soul, your dreams. Everything ! They suck people dry.
I strongly recommend making it a priority to find an exit strategy from this situation, get as much advice as you can, try to do it without his knowledge. Don't tell him you're leaving, when you're ready just go. But make sure you go as soon as you can, it will only get worse.
As the other ladies, say, find a way out. Yes, when something feels "off," It usually is. Yikes! selling your car and the allowance. I am so sorry.
your husband sounds like a sociopathic,narcissist. My exH is a narcissist, but he is on a different level. But post divorce and after I entered the dating pool, A man pursued me. I was flattered like you. He was kind, attentive and full of promises, at least he seemed like that on the phone. He too, insisted I come to him. I knew the area he lived from my child hood and felt nostalgic.
We had a romantic first date, but then he shared about his past and it seemed a bit odd.
After our next date. He snapped at me and asked me to leave. I did. but he pursued me again and I believed his apologies, after our next I could sense the sociopathy.. but I continued with him only because I was so curious how he would play it out. I started to really listen to what he was really saying in his "promises" He started to try to change the the type of clothes I wear, he told me how he would parent my son. And what he wanted/needed from me (More like, You will do this for me). we were never among friends He got defensive when I told him it was important to me for him to meet my son's father, my parents and my friends. I did meet his mother, but there was something off there, and then he shared what his childhood was like. In the very short time I knew him (Off and on for maybe 2 months) he changed jobs 3 times. He played games with silent treatments and then twisting them on me. I realized he was working to isolate me. I called him on his stuff. He'd attempt to insult me and compare me to other single moms, one with 10 kids, that they were able to manage their lives and kids better than me and that he could teach me. I gave it right back to him. He was insistent that he was not playing games. He was a great experiment for me. But when I look back. I was an idiot. I put myself in such danger. I finally shared this all with a close friend.
She literally yelled at me.
What the hell are you doing! He is dangerous! Get away from him now! I did.
nearly a year later, though, he contacted me. I didn't even look at the caller ID. he talked at me, telling me he was coming up to take me out. He bragged about a new car. Then he heard my son call for me and told me to call him the next night. I did not intend to. I said Goodnight and hung up. two nights later he called repeatedly, The last time , I picked up to tell him to stop, that I would not see him again, but I didn't get a chance. He asked why I didn't call him. I told him the truth. I was busy. He didn't like that answer and hung up on me. It made me chuckle and I didn't hear another word.
Since then, I am much more keen on signs that read, CONTROL,
I will pray for you. I suppose you can pretend util you can figure out a an exit plan.
I am pretty sure he isn't having an affair right now, he does everything with me and insists I go with him. He works from home and I work for him too. I am aware of the signs.
One of the first signs I had from him was that he said if anyone ever does something he doesn't like he does the 'tit for tat' thing. He does the same to them to teach them how it feels. I found this beyond comprehension and still do. I don't like it at all.
I went out with a guy very like him just before we met, he had exactly the same background, RAF Father, stay at home Mom, poor education due to moving around a a lot, no friends, his last wife he was married to for 15 years and spent the last 14 in the spare room with no sex, they both have a son with odd behaviours and their ex-wives both were out to get them! It was spooky.
I think when I met my Husband I was at a particularly low point and was worried how I would cope in my old age alone…I am 47!!!
He has definitely isolated me. I live 30 miles away from my children who wouldn't come with me to be with him. They already lived with their Dad and next door to their best friends. Its a long story how that ended up like that! It wasn't the plan at all, but they are happy so I let it be.
My Husband has such a poor history of being taken for a ride too, he lent his last ex 8ooo pounds which he hasn't had back, they had finished their relationship ( she was married he was divorced, just) She lived 300 miles away. She called him one day three months after they stopped seeing each other, in tears saying she was going to lose her house, he gave her 8000 straight away. what a fool!
He also gave a builder 15000 deposit for work on a project he was exploring, he didn't even have plans drawn up! The builder now says he can't return it as it will bankrupt him. …OMG! I was incredulous that such a with it guy who ran his own business for 20 years could be such a fool!
He was always giving things to people, trying to impress them, he would buy ridiculous presents and rent apartments.
He has now told me he owes 56,ooo pounds in debt to his own company .
I was speachless.
This is from the man who told me if I spent on my credit card he would leave me. I have done, and he doesn't know that I am 2000 pounds in debt but now I know his level of debt I don't care. I need some form of financial freedom without having to ask him for money.
anyway, here I am, playing the game. I have a nice enough life but I am well aware that if he messes up and leaves me I will be in a better position than If I leave him, he will crucify me. So I play the game and try and make some future for myself….so I have choices.
I am looking to start my own Art School. He is ok with that as long as I do it where he works when he teaches and use his business as a front for it. hmmm…..well its a start!
Praying you will find a means to independence and freedom. At least we have each other and DS members to help us with the anxiety and fears that are inevitable in our plight. Best wishes to you, and a big welcome and hug to you. :)
Thank you for your welcomes
xxx
Sunnyjax,
I took a few sentences from some of your posts that hit me like a brick. I know you are trying to make the best out of a difficult situation but I think you also know no one should have to live like that. Life is not ok. Your anxiety and ptsd is off the scale because you are living with this man and he has made you dependent on him and treats you like you should be grateful and take whatever he dishes out. That is not love. I'm all for the art school but again its on his terms - just another way to control you. You are worried about your job prospects. If you have the internet you can post a resume or send it to everyone you know and ask them if they have any job leads. 30 miles isn't that far from where you were. If you have friends, family that would take you in for awhile, I would take them up on it.You probably have mixed feelings about ending a marriage but this isn't a marriage. This is servitude. Like a lot of Ns he needed someone to cater to his needs. He found you, unfortunately. You are on this site so you do see. You probably feel like you only have enough strength to survive within this but urge you to do more - you have to fight. In retrospect my situation wasn't one tenth of yours and still its been the hardest thing I've had to overcome. I am the daughter of N mother and was kicked out at 16. I had nothing, I had no one. But away from her I realized I was smart and capable and could do for myself and did very well. In my relationship with my N "friend," I started to feel the way I felt when I was young and still with my mother. I felt like I was drowning but something made me start kicking for the surface. Something said fight for yourself.
You are a very attractive woman and you seem smart and sweet. Please don't waste all that on this man. Don't let him dim your spirit.
Yes.
Surviving?
Yes
Thiriving
NO!
not yet!