Welcome to the site. Hope you enjoy it here.

thank you cobalt!

I can totally relate. My mother is a classic abusive narcissist and I also
married one.

Thankfully I got away from my husband 7 years ago. But I still on off have to deal with a very mean nasty and damaged narcissistic sister. Also a cruel undermining brother..they both live in another country but they still try to undermine me from afar via calls to my mother.

I'm the only family member around to help my mother out. She is going downhill by the day and I expect her to die any day. Then she could last another year I have no real idea. She insists on staying at home and she can hardly walk. I have to take her our in a wheelchair. Recently she has been getting much worse.. She still negates me and its ALL about her. I feel trapped into caring for her because I literally keep her alive by cooking her food etc etc..

I'm back in counselling to help me self care while dealing with all. Its very hard to detach and still care for her..I totally understand the mixed feelings and feeling off balance. I'm very afraid that when my mother dies that I will be devastated and relieved in equal measure. I live in dread of it and am constantly trying to prepare myself for it mentally. I worry that it's going to dredge up tons of confusion and that it will trigger traumas..

I know I won't be free until she dies and then I will have to deal with my sister (funeral will etc..) then I hope to finally get her out of my life.

It's a very very unhealthy situation for me. If you'd like to PM me any time I'd be glad to share some mutual support. You have my deepest empathy as I can truly relate.

I can also relate to the first part of life dealing with narcissists and now avoiding them. That says it all really.

vonnie, thank you for the heartfelt post. I'm very thankful I don't have to deal with her care, I can't imagine how difficult that must be for you.

I sat next to her hospital bed listening to her labored breathing, all I could think of was her callous treatment of me as a child when I was struggling with asthma. Then I feel like a terrible person for having no empathy, and yet this is a natural response. Very confusing, very exhausting.

Hi there - & welcome.

I have N parents - divorced - and have suffered too many N relationships for my liking. But then, it's linked isn't it.

I get a lot of guilt about not wanting to see my parents - my dad is quite old now. But I feel so icky in their presence, I have to stay away to protect myself.

The thing is - how can we forget how mean/neglectful/non-nurturing they were to us?

We never talk about it. I think they like to fantasise I have forgotten all about it, but I haven't, not least because it affects my adult life & relationships so deeply.

I guess I am struggling to find the balance between staying safe and doing the right thing.

I empathise greatly with your plight.

For me, it's like caring for someone I don't like, or something.

Odd feeling.

Peace,
PL xxx

You're welcome..and thanks to you for sharing too..yes princessLeia...it is just like caring for someone you don't like..and narcissists are never wrong..My mother has re-written history. She was a great mother, and wonderful wife etc...because shes now tiny frail very weak and unable to walk, I can and do feel empathy for her situation. I do because thats who I am, and not because she deserves it. Despite some overt loving gestures..I know they meant nothing compared to so much of her cruel indifference and actions in my childhood etc..

I sat next to her hospital bed listening to her labored breathing, all I could think of was her callous treatment of me as a child when I was struggling with asthma. Isn't that sad. Getting reminded of things so wrong.

I can totally relate...Its horrible that we have to live with the those mixed feelings..from bad memories. The truth is, Narcissists are incapable of real love. My mother loved her dog more than her own children.

Part of me still wishes that she had loved me the way a mother should..but letting that dream go finally..will set us free..

Its only natural that we have totally ambiguous feelings..we have a right to feel those feelings. Bottom line, we need to put ourselves first, for a change.

I think this article describes it very well...

LOVING A NARCISSIST

Do you love the narcissist? Or are you in love with your fantasy of what you wish the narcissist to be? How can you tell whether you love the person or the fantasy?

The following applies not only to romantic relationships; it applies across the board of all relationships including parent/child.

You can not truly love someone until they have revealed their character to you. Why is this so? Because who we are is revealed by what we choose to do. Our characters are the sum total of the choices we've made.

Until you know someone's character you can not say in truth that you know or love who they are. This explains why so many marriages fall apart.

People fall in love with their 'imagined' version of the other person and don't become acquainted with that other person's character until enough time has passed for the consistency of their characters to be revealed. This is why short dating periods are often disastrous in the long-term.

We each have a will. How we exercise our will = the choices we make. The choices we make = our behaviors. The consistent behaviors a person exhibits is the truth of who they are. Behaviors are the revelation of character. Behaviors reveal what has been happening in the unseen realm of someone's thinking.

When a person, like Cho of the Virginia Tech massacre, suddenly went on a murderous rampage, he was not acting out of character. He revealed what his character truly was. We have a sudden, horrific and stark revelation of what his thinking and small choices have added up to. What Cho did is who he is.

Cho forced us all to see what an evil character had been developing quietly step by step and choice by choice while no one was really looking.

We often hear people protest after being caught in some bad behavior that "it isn't like me to do this". No, it is like you. You chose to do what you did. You revealed who you are, not who you aren't.

If, after having a 'clear' view of someone's personal character traits, you have respect, admiration and trust in that person then you can correctly state that you love this person.

Then there is the situation where you have gotten to know the personal characteristics of an individual, and you find that you can not say you love those characteristics.

Yet you insist that you still love the person. Never mind that this person lies to you, cheats on you, slanders you to others, even physically abuses you...you tenaciously insist you hate their character traits but you love the person. It is this so-called "love" which justifies why you are still in this bad relationship.

Whatever the reason for it (there can be many), this is describing someone who has created a fantasy around the objectionable character.

They are not in love with the person...they are in love with the idea of who they've decided this person is in spite of the evidence to the contrary. This is not reality-based thinking. To insist a person is "good" despite what bad things they actually do is an exercise in your imagination only.

Perhaps you insist that you love what this person could be if they only tried?.

This, too, is a refusal to live in reality.

Can we please dispense with this sloppy thinking? Can we stop trying to fool ourselves in order to justify staying in a destructive relationship? Can we call things by their right names? Go ahead and insist that you love the rotten character, but quit doing it to make yourself believe you are a better person for doing so.

Stop white-washing their character in order to convince yourself you need to stay connected to them. If you are afraid of leaving the comfort of the known for the discomfort of the unknown world of life without this bad character, then admit that truth to yourself.

But stop pretending you love something that is hateful. Remember that a key component of mental health is the mind which insists on living in reality i.e. the truth. You are not doing your mental health any favors by engaging in these mental games which allow you to stay in a bad place.

If you don't love what a person does then you can't accurately state that you love the person himself.

This type of imaginary love is a real problem for many adult children of narcissists (ACONs). It can be incredibly difficult to admit to yourself that you don't love your narcissist parent or that they don't love you. It seems to go against nature to make that admission. I see many ACONs insisting to themselves that they love their N mom or N dad despite the decades of ill treatment they've received from her or him.

The ACON isn't ready to give up the idea of having a loving parent, so the ACON must pretend they love this abusive parent in order to justify staying connected. They are willing to pretend that their mommy or daddy really loves them "deep down" though they don't recognize they are having to imagine the love they "see" coming from their parent.

This keeps the ACON in an actively destructive relationship. Many ACONs are willing to risk their marriages and their own children's emotional and physical safety in order to "keep the dream alive". This refusal to admit to reality is damaging to more than your own mental health.

You can risk everything good in your life by insisting your fantasy is reality. Your refusal to walk away from a destructive parent is not a testament to your deep and abiding love for this person...it is a testament to your volitional stupidity. Do not call your dependency on a bad relationship "love".

It is okay to love a bad person, but only from a distance.

Don't insist your love for a destructive person is justification enough for staying close to them.

You risk all that is good and beautiful in life in order to love the unlovable.

How incredibly informative it would be if people could truly understand that the opposite of love is not hatred but indifference.

It would force them to recognize the pathological relationships they are stuck in that are destroying their lives in some way.

Many ACONs struggle for so long with their narcissistic parents because we all have memories of some apparently benevolent acts.

We look for "benevolent" acts in our history with the narcissist as a sign that they must love us "in their own way". We think that if they didn't love us then surely we'd know it because we think we would recognize the opposite of love. We think love's opposite is active hatred. I disagree.


I believe the hallmark of our relationships with Narcissists seems to be the often overtly callous indifference we have suffered from them. They are indifferent to our best good. Indifferent to our humanity and individuality. Indifferent to our needs. Indifferent to our feelings. They 'nothing' you.

Real love is other-centered. It is outwardly focused. It involves self-sacrifice. It is always benevolent in its motivation. I've already pointed out how malignant narcissist means malevolent. Evil. Intent on doing harm.

Please don't confuse anything the narcissist does as coming from a loving motivation. To do so is to continue to be their prey.

If we can understand the utter disregard of our personhood that is encapsulated in the word indifference, if we can let ourselves acknowledge the awful truth that these people are incapable of anything approaching real love, then can we see our way clear to cut loose.

This indifference explains the sense we get of having our souls sucked out of us.

Love fills us up. Indifference reduces us to husks.

These people are toxic waste.

Poison that will kill your soul first and then your body.

We can forget ever feeling guilty for distancing ourselves from them because we think that on some level they must love us.

Love is incapable of indifference because indifference is its antithesis.

The narcissist does not love you. Never did. Never will. There is no room for such nobility of purpose and action as love in the narcissist's heart.

Indifference is what I feel for my parents. Bit by bit, as I began to understand the revelation of their narcissism, I was able to distance myself from them. Now I feel nothing for them. I don't have active, seething emotions that one would call hatred. No, I nothing them.

They do not merit the emotional energy of hatred. They merit nothing. One can say that their indifference toward me all my life has finally come full circle back to them.

My indifference is different from theirs in an important sense.....it contains no malevolence. I do not stay in their lives and torture them with my indifference. I have completely removed myself from their sphere so as to not afflict them with it.

My indifference is in place only to save me. Not to hurt them.

The narcissist feels nothing toward you. My recommended course of action is that you get the hell away from them forever before they completely corrode your life.

Then set on a path toward indifference.

There is healing for your heart there. The narcissist doesn't merit anything from you that requires as much energy as either love or hatred.

The wages for their actions toward you has come due. What have they earned? Nothing.

As in, you owe them nothing. You feel nothing. They are nothing.

By Anna Valerious. (Narcissists suck).

This link is also very good...

THE NARCISSISTIC FAMILY TREE

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201105/the-narcissistic-family-tree

I'm sorry to hear you're going through a tough time. We're here for you!

Thank you JJ! and thank you vonnie for the article and link. Anna Valerious and Karyl McBride have been instrumental in my recovery process (I own McBride's book).

I think learning to understand narcissism and come to grips with what happened to me is like a mirror image of what it's like to find out you have a terminal illness. Instead of finding out that a disease is going to take the rest of my life away from me, I found out that narcissism had stolen the first part of my life. Sometimes I feel grief for those lost years, but mostly I feel grateful and relieved that I finally get to live.