Narcissist Trauma Survival and Recovery Community Group
Support for those anyone who is or has been in a relationship with a narcissist. Together we are much stronger than any of us would be alone. A place for non-judgemental mutial support, advice, and comfort.
My ex started running around with other women immediately after I finally got fed up and told him I was leaving. His "mining" had an incredibly desperate quality and it was quite something to see after I had the PI put the beacon on his car.
He left the home at my insistence on my birthday in 2013. Our divorce was final on my son's birthday. He dated dozens of women who all kicked him to the curb after a short period. A few months ago he found another one, took her to Europe and married her. She has only known him a few months and you know what that means. The authentic narc has not yet shown his face to her. He is a fake person that she married. He will be the devil soon.
My question to all of you is this: my son called me completely blindsided by the wedding and his father's request that he attend. I mentioned that he could always say "no" and not go. He went anyway but kept it a secret. Drove 8 hours in one day to attend that farce of a wedding. He cannot say no to his father. When I asked why he tried to keep it secret, he said it is because I am "negative". I believe weddings are sacred and if you attend one, you condone the marriage. What are you all experiencing with adult children??
A week ago, the narc came to my son's home and spent the weekend with the new wifey. My son describes her as "high maintenance" (you ain't seen nothing yet, wait til he cheats on her, and he will.....) While they were here, my son told me not to call his house. I have been honest with him throughout this ordeal as he is 30 years old and I do not believe in keeping secrets or covering for any one. Especially since Daddy lies with impunity. Told my son he was living with his brother when he was living with another woman before our separation!! My therapist told me not to cover his lies and to tell the truth.
How do grown kids expect us to be loving and positive toward these monsters? I am baffled. The way my son spoke to me felt like his father all over again.
I am considering telling my son that I will not speak with him about his father in any way, shape or form. Considering extending the no contact rule to include discussions or information coming from my son. What do you all think?
He left the home at my insistence on my birthday in 2013. Our divorce was final on my son's birthday. He dated dozens of women who all kicked him to the curb after a short period. A few months ago he found another one, took her to Europe and married her. She has only known him a few months and you know what that means. The authentic narc has not yet shown his face to her. He is a fake person that she married. He will be the devil soon.
My question to all of you is this: my son called me completely blindsided by the wedding and his father's request that he attend. I mentioned that he could always say "no" and not go. He went anyway but kept it a secret. Drove 8 hours in one day to attend that farce of a wedding. He cannot say no to his father. When I asked why he tried to keep it secret, he said it is because I am "negative". I believe weddings are sacred and if you attend one, you condone the marriage. What are you all experiencing with adult children??
A week ago, the narc came to my son's home and spent the weekend with the new wifey. My son describes her as "high maintenance" (you ain't seen nothing yet, wait til he cheats on her, and he will.....) While they were here, my son told me not to call his house. I have been honest with him throughout this ordeal as he is 30 years old and I do not believe in keeping secrets or covering for any one. Especially since Daddy lies with impunity. Told my son he was living with his brother when he was living with another woman before our separation!! My therapist told me not to cover his lies and to tell the truth.
How do grown kids expect us to be loving and positive toward these monsters? I am baffled. The way my son spoke to me felt like his father all over again.
I am considering telling my son that I will not speak with him about his father in any way, shape or form. Considering extending the no contact rule to include discussions or information coming from my son. What do you all think?
I accept that my son loves his father despite what his father has done to me...I have had to accept that he loves him and always will..despite knowing some horrible things about him...
My son asked me to never discuss his father with him and that he doesn't ever want to be brought into 'our stuff'...hes 22 years of age...
It can feel very hurtful...you would expect them to recognise what total nasty shits they are...and to acknowledge the nasty things they did to us..but sadly that's not always going to be how it goes..
I let my son say anything about his father he wants, and I just listen, and sometimes he says things like what will I get him for his birthday..and I want to say an arsenic pie..but instead I would make myself say how about a nice book?..I have vowed never make any negative comments..and I never speak about my ex to him ...that's what works for us.
They don't want to know, and even if it hurts as if they are being disloyal to you..you will have a much better relationship if you let it go when communicating with them...
Your son felt the need to hide his interaction with his father from you, because he feels you will be displeased...better I think that you say if you wanted to attend your fathers wedding..good for you..your an adult, thats your choice..and leave him to his relationship with his father..His negative comment on the new wife sounds designed to please you...when really he should feel that he can even say he like her if he wants..but probably feels like he cant..
Like you said so well..the Narc always reveals himself anyway. We don't need to say a word...and your son will always want to have a relationship with him..unless he treats him as badly as he treated you..but one day he might really see him for what he really really is..meantime I'd let him see him any way he wants to..and spend any time with him that he wants to..hes not expecting you to love his father..but hes expecting to be allowed love his father..
Its a time for you to not care a damn what your ex is doing, and to say to your son whatever you want in relation to your father is fine by me..while you concentrate on never thinking about your ex and only thinking about how to use your great freedom and peace from him..
We are never fully free if we are dwelling at all on their new supply or on what they are doing or on our kids relations with them..
The swine is history..be very glad that he is..and try to keep focusing on you..and the new things you can fill your life with and on your healing from him...Yes of course his new victim will suffer..but that's not really our concern either..he's gone..over and out...good riddance..
I found this poem/piece very helpful towards moving on...hope you do too..
'In the words of Pushing Daisies', The facts are these:
He is not my problem.
I no longer put up with his behaviour. I don't have to, I don't want to - and I will not.
He will never thank me for leaving and will never be grateful for the love and kindness I gave him. And it's not my problem.
I am proud of myself for building courage and for leaving him.
I AM TRUE TO MYSELF.
Expect the worst from him. It's the most I can count on.
I might lose people in my life. It will hurt. But it will be okay.
It's time to move on.
I have nothing at all that I need to prove to anyone.
No one else knows the real him and I am not here to show them. It's their problem.
People can judge me all they like, it's just their opinion. It's not fact.
I am stronger than any of this.
I refuse to waste any further energy.
I am free.
I am a great person.
I will love and respect myself.
I will get through this episode because I refuse to be his victim.
No one else can judge me. They weren't there. And they don't know.
I concentrate on being kind to myself and true to myself.
We deserve to put all of our energy and thought into ourselves..and to let go and leave all others to do what they want to do..
I know that its not at all easy..but its time that we put ourselves first..