Narcissist Trauma Survival and Recovery Community Group
Support for those anyone who is or has been in a relationship with a narcissist. Together we are much stronger than any of us would be alone. A place for non-judgemental mutial support, advice, and comfort.
There's been an awful recent murder of a 14 year old girl in the uk.
A tiny detail at the very beginning has got me thinking.
The main suspect is a Latvian man. And when he went missing days after the girl disappeared, his wife made a public comment 'that he was a kind and loving man'.
Fast forward a week or so and more details emerge about this Latvian suspect. Turns out this was his third wife. His second wife still lives in east Europe. She describes him as aggressive.
His first wife is no longer with us to be able to tell us her opinion of him. She's dead. He killed her. Lured her put into some forest and bludgeoned her to death, before burying her is a previously dug grave.
Sorry about the harsh detail there - but I think that says everything you need to know about the many faces of a mentally disordered person - be it N, spath, ppath - whatever variety.
They really can seem 'nice' to one person, and a killer to others.
Obviously my heart goes out to all his victims. That little detail over 'what sort of man he is, the wild swinging differences.
It helps me to remember my Ns are nothing to do with me. It's their behaviour, not mine.
If youre reading this thinking 'everything is my fault', then be clear with yourself that in itself is a sign you've been N'd.
Where are we - October ? Wow, eights months since my N walked out on me, and never spoke to me again.
What a sickening roller coaster.
There's so much I don't know about what really happened, I've some good guesses, but one thing I can't ignore. How sick is he.
Huge love and respect to everyone - my therapist reminds me I am undoing decades of behaviour, so there's no quick fix. That thought helps me when I think I'm getting nowhere.
Focusing on being kind to myself.
Returning pain which is not mine.
Again apologies for the extreme example at the top - just got me thinking.
A tiny detail at the very beginning has got me thinking.
The main suspect is a Latvian man. And when he went missing days after the girl disappeared, his wife made a public comment 'that he was a kind and loving man'.
Fast forward a week or so and more details emerge about this Latvian suspect. Turns out this was his third wife. His second wife still lives in east Europe. She describes him as aggressive.
His first wife is no longer with us to be able to tell us her opinion of him. She's dead. He killed her. Lured her put into some forest and bludgeoned her to death, before burying her is a previously dug grave.
Sorry about the harsh detail there - but I think that says everything you need to know about the many faces of a mentally disordered person - be it N, spath, ppath - whatever variety.
They really can seem 'nice' to one person, and a killer to others.
Obviously my heart goes out to all his victims. That little detail over 'what sort of man he is, the wild swinging differences.
It helps me to remember my Ns are nothing to do with me. It's their behaviour, not mine.
If youre reading this thinking 'everything is my fault', then be clear with yourself that in itself is a sign you've been N'd.
Where are we - October ? Wow, eights months since my N walked out on me, and never spoke to me again.
What a sickening roller coaster.
There's so much I don't know about what really happened, I've some good guesses, but one thing I can't ignore. How sick is he.
Huge love and respect to everyone - my therapist reminds me I am undoing decades of behaviour, so there's no quick fix. That thought helps me when I think I'm getting nowhere.
Focusing on being kind to myself.
Returning pain which is not mine.
Again apologies for the extreme example at the top - just got me thinking.
I feel for you PL, it's been 6 months since I left my ex, I don't feel that I had a choice to be honest. Stay and be abused and allow my daughter to be damaged or leave and face the horrors of the Ns wrath. There is no happy ending with these men, like you said they are very disordered and it makes people go crazy trying to understand very contradictory behaviour.
One day They can be proclaiming love for someone , the next day They might hate that person and love someone else.. it is scary.
My counsellor tells me to stop analysing him because it's just another way to take responsibility for his behaviour, this helps as I really didn't know I was doing this.
Their behaviour is theirs, the mud sticks on them, the crap stays with them. They are the ones with the problem, will they ever own that? No. We were expected to carry their baggage. You can still be with an N and be in the discard phase, some Ns won't leave until they have concocted some bullshit story that casts them in a positive light.
Glad you are healing PL and with this N out of your life things will only get better. Xxxx
I love that - 'concocted some bullshit''. So true. So funny. So transparent.
You cant unsee what you've seen !!
They're mind****ers.
From not talking about it - the wall, to bullshitting. Bullshitting someone else morelike.
An intense six months, to nothing. Within hours.
You are right, stop analysing them. It's exhausting.
I wouldn't even sit in the same room as him now.
It's so hard to see how we were duped, this was their power trip, sick and weird. Mine alternates between nasty and nice texts, they always come back but at least we know what their game is now. That door is firmly closed, I wouldn't want to be with mine in the same room either.
It's the lies and two facedness of them that try galls me, who do they think they are??
My ex husband, had a first wife of almost 30 years. Only later did I find out that he physically abused her, threaten her with knives, and threw food on top of her head. Couldn't wear a two piece bathing suit, was horrible to his children and very sexually demanding.
I was his second wife. (13 years) Never laid on hand on my, although I can remember a few times where I slapped him. But emotionally abusive, silent treatments that last for months, and like with the first wife hid his money but had no problem spending it on himself. Lied and all the rest, but compared to the first wife, I had it easy.
Now he is on number 3 relationship. He is 70. He takes her out, accepts two more animals in his home, has her friends over for barbecues. I never had company other than my daughters on holidays. He seems to be changing. Or that is how it appears on the outside. Do they figure out at the end of their lives, that in order not to be alone, I have to pretend and tone it down?
Of course with my ex husband, sex is the most important componet. And so in order to have a continual sex partner he might have put down some of his other ridiculous attitudes and actually make a holiday and celebration nice. Just wondering?
But I don't think that's it.
They carefully choose and decide how they will behave each time, smearing their ex in some sick attempt to maintain (to themselves) they're not utterly mental.
It is conscious, I do believe that.
It is ingrained in them. Sooner or later, the really nasty side will emerge. And anyway, as we all know, it's the subtle covert gas lighting behaviour which can many ways be sicker than the overt stuff.
Who do they think they are? They think they are entitled to behave this way towards women.
Sick bastards.
My ex started working overseas and his whole being changed. His emails and phone calls were shorter until he was coming home for R&R. I would open an email and wonder who this man was. He would send the usual cute cartoons but they were totally different from what he used to send.
What he sent from the Philippines was totally off the wall.what he sent from China was different.Each new country he worked in was a different ex and I didn't know him anymore. The man I married wasn't here anymore.
He was taking on the personality of the women he was with and the country he was in. He had trouble coming back home and being the man I knew.
Then he was in Trinidad and everything was about religion. This man made off the wall jokes about religion and suddenly he was a born again Christian. Then I found a therapist who explained all of this to me. The woman I didn't know he had married was very religious and he was changing to please her. Not to please her but to keep her as he decided if i would be of use to him ever again.
From what I have learned they can be gone for long periods of time, appear to be a different person, and come back with the same personality that was used with who they had lived with before.
The ex was gone from here off and on for 10 years and he was losing the ability to be the man I had married. So yes they appear to change but they will always be a Narcissist.