Narcissist Trauma Survival and Recovery Community Group
Support for those anyone who is or has been in a relationship with a narcissist. Together we are much stronger than any of us would be alone. A place for non-judgemental mutial support, advice, and comfort.
Hi all,
It's been quite awhile since I've been on here, mainly because I've
been too shell shocked to do much. I've been making plans to get out
and as I've been doing so, my ds son 14, has acting like his Dad-
verbally abusive and aggressive.
It has been happening for awhile, and I'll admit I hadn't been handling
it well, as my Nf had been very very ill, with multiple operations, etc and
with all the stress of that, I would get very angry from my son's abusive attitude.
But when I took the detached approach, just leaving when the disrespect
started up--I was shocked and very saddened when my son escalated
This has become a repeat of what I went through with his N Dad.
To make things worse, he and his Dad are now chums (where before Nh
completely ignored him or verbally abused him). If my son has been
nasty to me, he's now sure to receive his Dad's attention and "love".
I'm so crushed by this, I'm finding it hard to keep my head up while the
two of them gang up on me. And I'm frustrated that by taking care of
Ndad (no sibs and he's a widower) I've exhausted myself and left
myself vulnerable to Nh and his Uber N family to weave their Nwebs
all around my son. He's like someone I don't recognize anymore.
Don't know if anyone has any advice, but wanted to get this off my chest
and reconnect to crawl out from my self imposed isolation. Thanks to all
for listening.
It's been quite awhile since I've been on here, mainly because I've
been too shell shocked to do much. I've been making plans to get out
and as I've been doing so, my ds son 14, has acting like his Dad-
verbally abusive and aggressive.
It has been happening for awhile, and I'll admit I hadn't been handling
it well, as my Nf had been very very ill, with multiple operations, etc and
with all the stress of that, I would get very angry from my son's abusive attitude.
But when I took the detached approach, just leaving when the disrespect
started up--I was shocked and very saddened when my son escalated
This has become a repeat of what I went through with his N Dad.
To make things worse, he and his Dad are now chums (where before Nh
completely ignored him or verbally abused him). If my son has been
nasty to me, he's now sure to receive his Dad's attention and "love".
I'm so crushed by this, I'm finding it hard to keep my head up while the
two of them gang up on me. And I'm frustrated that by taking care of
Ndad (no sibs and he's a widower) I've exhausted myself and left
myself vulnerable to Nh and his Uber N family to weave their Nwebs
all around my son. He's like someone I don't recognize anymore.
Don't know if anyone has any advice, but wanted to get this off my chest
and reconnect to crawl out from my self imposed isolation. Thanks to all
for listening.
Wish you were back with better news. The teen years can be troublesome under the best of circumstances. It is not unusual for a,child to blame one parent and cling to the other. They often favor the one that they feel is the most in need which some times seems to be the very one who was actually the root cause of the dysfunction. Go figure.
Try to calmly assure your son that you love him. If necessary point out that you love him but can not tolerate his disrespectful behavior. Tell him that the problems between you and his dad should not involve him in that you recognize that his life is being impacted by those issues, but that he did not cause them, can not fix them, and should not have to bear the burden of having to hear about them. Tell him you want him to focus on being a teenager, focus on school, friends, and on developing skills and knowledge that will prepare for his future a as a man.
Oops, batter low. I will try to add more later. Just know, we care.
I know it is hard not to tell the kids just what an ass their father was during the marriage, but avoid doing that because it can backfire on you. He'll realize it on his own when his father grows tired of being super dad.
Hugs to you! This has to be really hard on you. On some level though, your son knows you love him and are the only mother he will ever have!
right calm reassurance is needed. The problem is I want so much to have a
relationship. He is my only family, and I raised him alone really, Ndad completely
ignored him and was so abusive when he was younger. It feels the invasion of
the body sNatchers. Nh family is filled with psychopaths and narcs and my side
I have only Ndad.
We are in counseling and is not going so great, but I'll hang in there with it. At
least he's going. I think the totality of the meanness of my Nh is really sinking
in. The stuff he says to our son is so betraying--he endlessly sets our son
up to feel mad and disappointed with me then sit backs with satisfaction.
I know it's common for N's to "steal" the children after years of ignoring them
and abusing them, but I'm still finding it difficult to bear. I feel numb and
I find myself sobbing practically every day.
I'ts weird, even though I've been getting stronger in other ways, forcing
myself to get out and met people and attend support groups, also working on
my resume and networking to return to work, etc. I feel worse then ever when I'm
"home". It's like being abused in stereo and my life force gets sucked right out
of me.
Whatever you do don't buy his love by lowering your standards of self-respect or your expectation for him to behave as a young man should. Doing so will hurt both you and your son. Just try to avoid engaging in conversations about adult issues that he should not be a party to. Keep your issues with his dad and you private. And tell your son that he needs to respect that privacy. Keep reminding him that you understand that the issues between his dad and you are disturbing and hurtful to him but that they are adult issues that only the recordings can address. Repeat this statement even if his dad keeps venting to your son. Do not try to justify your actions to a teenager. You can have that conversation, later, when he is an adult and time has elapse, if need be. Good luck and stay calm.
Carol
I don't have any advice, just sympathy.
I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. It is bad enough to have one N in your life -- worse to be surrounded. That is exhausting and draining!
One thought. Possibly your son is copying his dad, in part so his dad will approve of him? Add to this that teens are naturally N and it may be too soon to draw conclusions. Hopefully, as time goes on, he will see how being that way gets him treated, and respond. Then, you'll see how N your son remains, or not.
Quepasa, your words are so full of wisdom and clarity. I definitely think you are
right that regardless how he acts, I should always model self respect. And also
not drag the adults disputes into conversation. Excellent self care is my priority,
something I've sadly let fall by the wayside previously because I had felt so
beaten down.
Calexsis, I have actually already begun to detach a bit for my own sanity. His
father has so many times flown into a rage and begun to shout "i hate you,
I hate you" over and over like a three year old. My son has begun to emulate
this, which just kills me. I've gotten myself involved in support groups and
some fun group activities to help with the heartache.
Bedhog, I am sorry to hear that you are going through the samething. It is the
hardest task of all to love someone who doesn't love back. I can only hope our
children get that wake up call that some N's get in early life. I've been on other
forums that host narcissists and every so often a young person will admit to
being an N and that with a lot of therapy and will power they were able to
change the dynamic, I hope and pray our children embark on the same
journey.
Escapefor1 He acts almost like a carbon copy of his Dad, it's uncanny and sad.
The worst part is that his father ignored and abused him when he was younger
and didn't physically touch him or hug him. Now that he is acting awful, he's
tousling his hair, hugging him, patting him on the back, etc. He finally has the
approval he has always craved, only it comes as a reward for being abusive.
Narcissists will stoop to any low to "win" and get their way. And they never
seem to tire of hurting others.
And yes, it's been incredibly difficult to deal with all of this surrounded completely
by narcs. My road to recovery really began when I started making it a priority
to spend as much time as possible with non narcissistic people. It also made
it clear how bad the abuse really was.