hi, i am new to this group. i have been learning about narcissisim and narcissistic abuse over the past few months and feel like it is the closest language and experience i have to describe what i am going through. i dont want to pathologize the person i was with but the parallels are undeniable. she was also a high-functioning alcoholic and i know that alcoholism can mimic NPD.
anyway, i am having a really hard time right now. i was just triggered and am feeling really sad. i havent had contact with her for many months but sometimes i see things on social media about her or from her even though she is mostly blocked. the way our long long relationship "ended" was mind-spinning and on fire. she said she was someone and then she wasnt in the past 12 hours i have found out that she is in the same city as me right now and previously was travelling with another lover. mainly right now i just feel so disposable. nothing seems real. i can't make sense of anything and am in a deep depressive state. meanwhile i think she is just with someone else, care-free. like i have had no impact. i feel worthless and inarticulate right now. i have so much cognitive dissonance. i love and fear her. i feel scared at how deep this wound of abandonment is. and how i still miss her, because she was my best friend and my partner. my mind can't rest, it just goes back and forth between thoughts that don't make sense together. :-( i guess looking for support, friendship and wisdom. i think ive burnt out people from talking about her so much, but also it seems common that people don't understand how tortorous, de-centering and traumatizing a relationship with deception can be.. :( thank you