I'm sorry dadda, this sounds incredibly frustrating. Sometimes there just seems to be no end. Can you look into consolidation of your bills? Anyway the electric company could work out a small payment plan with you? It's okay to give up for today and tomorrow you will start again. Wish that I could be more supportive as you have always gave such great advise and insight.

Big, big hugs and lots of love

dadda, Have you talked with your church leaders about your situation? We have some folks at my church who have been in tough financial situations, and we have given them money to pay their utility bills to keep their electric and gas on. Just a thought. In my opinion, this is why the church exists, to hold one another up during difficult times. We also have some local ministries who help people financially for these needs too.
Hugs,
T.

I agree with Healing. Churches do help out.

I am also wondering something. I beleive you once mentioned that he wanted you both to declare bankrupcy. Correct me if this was not you. Why does he want to do this? Is it because there is actually nothing left or because Mommy dearest has tucked it away for him and he could finish the divorce, be debt free and start over?
As for your daughter, dad and grandma are in her life too. This is a medical bill...not something she ran up by crazy spending. Other family members should get involved to help out

As I am reading this, I am wondering... Is this the same daughter he convinced to buy the new car a few months back??

Older, I am guessing the second. As this is how my N is using his NFProfit. He is traveling all over the country speaking, doing service projects.. But, still has no income. I am SO confused on how this occurs??

Anyway,

Dadda, are you at least legally separated yet? I am wondering this because if this is the daughter who he convinced to buy the new car. and he cosigned the loan for her??? as I am guessing she didn't get the loan on her own. Could she stop payment on the car (yes, risky) and put that money towards her Dr bill? then dad would be stuck for the car payment without you having to worry about it (except her losing it, but dad would have to explain to her why he didn't pay the bill, not you)

I know I live in a fantasy world sometimes.... but if only this would work.

Also, I know you want what is best for your daughter, is she still in school? Sounds to me like she is over 18? She should start making these phone calls for herself. She as an adult is probably able to get help, but she should start lookng into it herself. I understand wanting to be there and help, but sometimes lifes greatest lessons are learned after kids are forced to fledge! I know I could tell some life stories!!!

One daughter has the car (the oldest); think about it like this ... if your father took you out to buy the car, you'd assume you could handle it, right? Why would your own father set you up for failure? I heard AFTER the fact that they had gone from dealership to dealership UNTIL one was willing to do the financing. He just doesn't care ... you don't encourage your kids to do stuff that 5 or 6 banks say, "no". And when he "co-signed" knowing full well he has been planning bankruptcy all along ... I spoke with her the night before about choosing 2 or 3 models, looking at Consumer Reports as far as reliability and such, also finding out what the insurance would run. All the good parenting right out the window the next day .... and last month, my bank account overdrafted when her additional premium came out and I didn't know in advance.

The younger was scared to death winter before last that she had something wrong with her heart, as he wanted to take her to his cardiologist - for panic attacks!! I understood the symptoms and I also know that it is unusual (though not impossible, as high school athletes occasionally die from an unrecognized problem) for a teenager to have a heart problem manifesting symptoms all of a sudden. Our doctor did the right tests - there is a lot of info on an EKG strip as to weather the heart is at all impaired. But she still felt uncomfortable. Eventually, she did come to realize that these were panic attacks and they seem to have subsided. Maybe because much of his frontal assault has.

She had the surgery because of having some breast cysts. They did a biopsy and mammogram last year and it was thought they were benign, but she has complained over the months about pain. I don't know whether they were truly bothersome; it could be even that her father "pushed" at her, which I know she wouldn't tell. But I don't know that, so ... but I do know he was going on and on about his married girlfriend having been diagnosed with breast cancer and that was about the time she was getting her testing done. Again, it would be HIGHLY unusual for a teenage girl to have breast cancer, though not out of the complete realm of possibility. But you see, he just took that slim probability and magnified it in her mind. I used to worry, growing up, because my mother had been diagnosed with mental illness said to be "genetic". I was scared to death that I would end up like her. And that was with nobody encouraging (but not allaying, either) my fears.

You have heard of the "fight or flight" response? And I remember posting, a while back, about the "freeze" response, like the deer caught in the headlights, unable to move toward safety just yards out of the way? That is what I get hit with. I used to have nightmares when I was a little girl about my brothers being in danger and I would just be frozen to the spot, unable to do anything. I know I felt "responsible" but how can a 4 or 5 year old be responsible for their little brothers in an adult way? At first, I was very proactive and all with my daughters, then he had his brother snatch them and all else. I was to the point after all I was put through that I was too scared, when I was walking down the hallway and saw a student berated inappropriately by a teacher (who was later fired for this exact same, continuing behavior). I hated myself for months after. And when a little girl got locked out of her house while her father was asleep, I was too afraid I'd get in trouble that I wouldn't even let her in my house. But I did wait with her til her mother got there. And probably should have reported that too, but hopefully Mom raised hell. It nearly kills me with pain to KNOW how cruelty can twist and hurt a decent human soul. And that is why I do try to be encouraging to you all. I realize a lot of ignorance caused a lot of my problems and I seriously was in a weird but not good place emotionally/mentally. But I know that I am not crazy, and since then I have commendations and letters of recommendations that are not fluff, attesting to my intelligence and also abilities (as mentor and substitute teacher) to work well with children. I worked with disabled adults for years as well and have never had an accusation of abusing any of them. When push came to shove and I couldn't take the stress anymore, I ended up sabotaging my own career and am still having to deal with that.

A lot of you know about N families ... it really doesn't matter ... the ties of "family" only count if the script isn't followed. I have done A LOT for my mother-in -law and have been one of her ONLY supporters, when that support was warranted. She is enmeshed with her son ... and why would I think her to help ... when she is ENCOURAGING her son's married lover to destroy his relationship with our girls? The oldest has screamed at him, almost hysterical, "she's using you, Dad, don't you get it?!" and the youngest, several months back, "I wish she had died with her cancer!!" She isn't leaving her husband .... and remember, this is the mother-in-law that told my daughters, straight out when they were no more than about 10 or 11, maybe a bit younger, that "Mommy is going to kill you." They are not "normal" and they are not good-hearted, unless it serves a purpose and that is not being good-hearted!

On a "happy" note: if I can get the youngest off to her college dorm in fall and my older one moved to her friends, I will at least know he cannot directly use them. So we are looking at a couple months. I am going to see what I can figure out financially and all else. And yes, there is a big church in the city some people have encouraged me to check with them, too. So I will keep you posted. I get so whonked and none of this makes sense. He again isn't paying utilities and he has the money ... so I guess it's mind games that he keeps "under the radar" enough to keep from getting in trouble with the Court. I will let you know what I manage to find out. I am still waiting for that "light burden" instead of feeling so much weight on my shoulders ... it would be great to have really strong faith but experience has seemed to be God helps those who help themselves and there is a lot of mischief and worse since consequences aren't always immediate!

Thank you all for your words and caring encouragement!

Livelifenow: I would guess that maybe the N is drawing a VERY small salary from the non-profit; all his traveling and such is considered "cost of doing business". Therefore, he gets the benefit of the dollars without the burden (in taxes or child support) of responsibility. It seems many of these people are well versed in legal maneuvers, much more so than those of us who expect a person's word to mean something and those of us who think you can work things out amicably. But that is one reason the tax code is always changing ... just that the IRS can't clamp down on all, because there are legitimate reasons for travel and business expenses. You obviously have a sly one to contend with; as I will probably be learning more about that stuff over the next months, I will keep my ears open if any info that might help your situation, too.

Oldandwiser: I think he wants to file bankruptcy now, before his mother dies. Because that would keep inheritance funds from being claimed in a bankruptcy estate. Since he has made it clear that there is no marital estate, all is his, I'm pretty certain of my deduction. He has tried to tell me that all her little gold coins are gone. No,, I'm not buying it. But I am probably one of the few people outside the immediate family that has SEEN what is there and hysterical as I might seem at times, well, I saw it. Plus, I had kept one tube "hostage" and hidden it in my office before he snatched the kids. My tube of gold was in the closet, in the pocket of my clothing. I never saw it again. He took it and claims he used it to pay the mortgage. He lies. BUT, since they accused me of stealing it, I have "proof", via the police report made at the time, of its existence. (And I did give it back. I could have let it get thrown out when they cleared out my stuff at work and not said a word, but I thought I could use it as leverage if he "got dirty" with me. I just didn't realize the level of "dirty" I was dealing with. I could also have taken what I wanted and escaped with the kids. But it wasn't mine, so it was given back.) So there is one more of my "dirty little secrets" and one of the reasons I was having so much trouble back then. A person CAN'T live any sort of life playing such tactics. But he will keep trying when making a clean breast would heal.

KassandraDee: thank you! I am so glad to see the healing that you are going through and sticking with, despite the pain you are also experiencing. I know I told you this earlier, but I will say again, because your wisdom and compassion show through ... keep going. I am glad to have you as a friend. Hugs back to you! And yes, reluctantly, I will be finding out what I can do deal with the finances. I'm just a little scared. It sucks being responsible through thick and thin, but I just have to realize, I guess, how a lot of other scary things have taken me places that ended up more than "okay". Plus, how can I encourage anyone else to get through the scary if I run away? Thanks!

And you, too, HealingT, hugs to you and thanks. You are so right ... and not even just about churches, although definitely where it "starts" from as example ... but overall, we have gotten away from caring about neighbors and others and I honestly believe it is one of the biggest factors in social decay. Plus gov't takeover of our lives. I remember there was a big push a while back not to give people money directly, as they would spend it on booze or drugs. But now we give it all to gov't and I don't see where things are better as a result. Plus people are scared of each other or hating on each other as a result of more (N) triangulations and the heat is taken off gov't to do ITS work and efficiently. There are a LOT of good programs through church affiliations. I know Salvation Army runs rehab and gets people who were formerly addicts back to work and even into management. And a whole host of other programs. I can't think of them all. They take people's "trash" and turn it (and people) into "treasure". I will let you know how my contacts go. Hugs and thanks!

dadda, thanks for clearing that up! So many kids, so many stories. I combined and mixed up your girls, I apologize.