It's so difficult when one bad thing after the next come in tandem, it's as if your universe just can't give you a break. I can relate to these feelings of helplessness and complete exasperation on how to make it better. Sit and do nothing, something I often do and just have faith that this storm will dissipate or take an proactive stance in making things better. But how? When my depression was at it's worst and all I did was cry, not eat and not sleep, I became accustomed to those feelings. Once I started to come back up from that intense low, it was so foreign to me, I almost dug in my heals because I felt comfort in the way I was before. I've never figured that one out, the why's. Why I felt comfort in sadness and then it occurred to me that I was so accustomed to it, the fact that it changed was scary and I wasn't equipped to handle the change. I'm sorry, I've rambled and I've probably not helped at all but maybe just roll with the punches, less resistance and more acceptance that you have been through so much and just need to take the time to move through this.

Thinking of you! xx

I don't have any great advise or words of wisdom. I am sorry you are going through so much and I can say that even though it doesn't seem like there is light at the end of the tunnel - there is. It does pass. I think what is hard when you are a doer and doing all you can - it's the limbo and having to wait and having to deal with the process and yes as you say the incompetence also. I remember that stress well - the limbo as I called it. I couldn't really move forward until the divorce was final. It was like my life was on hold and I hated it. Hurry UP and WAIT.

What I found is that I couldn't make that go any faster or determine the outcome either - I had to accept the process - so in the meantime I started looking more at what I could do. For me the things that I could do that would matter no matter what the outcome in the divorce settlement. there were so many things I couldn't do that I just felt frustrated and would get depressed.

I did a lot of writing and reading and healing.

I had to hold it together for my kids and to be together and rational in dealing with my attorney and all that.

I had to be prepared for no matter what the outcomes would be and feel more empowered for myself. I had to write off a lot of losses and as bad as this sounds - what I had to realize is that I made a really bad investment and I had to deal with the results and let go of a lot. And start over. That is what I am doing now in my life is just trying to start over.

So I'm rambling now and probably haven't helped either - just to say that you do get through it and you do come out the other side. Take it one day at a time. Get into the now and not let the stress of what might happen tomorrow take away from all that you are doing today.

KassandraDee and Venturing, PLEASE, don't apologize!! Maybe I worded some of my own thoughts wrong. Sometimes, it is true, that there is wisdom - and answers - where and when we don't necessarily expect it?! And kindness, too. Actually, you have both reminded me of not only truths in the situation, but things I can relate to, too.

I was thinking of the sadness thing, because for some reason, the last few days, I've been thinking how I always wanted to take my daughters, at least, to Bodie, a ghost town in the Sierra Nevada mountains, in California. They both get into that sort of thing; I took my very first vacation, drove up from L.A. in April, no idea what I was doing ... I didn't realize about snow and how far apart gas stations were, either! After he filed for divorce, I took a chance and entered a contest where you had to send in a picture and explain "why you needed a vacation". And no, I didn't win, but I did need a vacation ... still do. I felt pretty sad, because it always seems like "someone else" and in past, I have pretty much kept my sorrows and disappointments to myself. Now I don't so much. But sometimes, I "give myself permission" to feel the sadness and really experience the loss ... whether it is hopes or dreams or just a wistful "I wish" sort of thing. I think it's sort of important, because I've HAD TO be sort of strong ... or go down. I try to come across sort of tough or whatever, like it doesn't hurt, but often, it does. It's often easier (better?) if there is someone whose trusted shoulder you can cry on, just get it out genuinely and know they somehow feel it and hurt - with you and for you. Almost like mom kissing you where you were hurt ... it somehow helps, in a mysterious way. Just not getting sucked down into it and as you said, KassandraDee, finding some comfort there. For me, I know because I was at times wallowing in my pity party to such extent that I completely forgot other people have problems. And hearts. Either way, I was cutting myself off from humanity and that didn't help in the long run.

I just think it is hard, too, sometimes being around people when you are going through losses, especially when it's all out of control and hitting hard. I don't want to bring others down, but I don't want to hide behind a phony grin, either. I guess, the most sensitive people allow you to do a little talking and "what is, is". I can still be happy for you, though I'm hurting, and vice versa. Shouldn't be that a one person has to hide their happiness and another, their pain. I guess some people, though, aren't really comfortable. And I suppose I am talking about people who I know fairly well. And not like there have to be discussions over all the stuff going on or that moods color how we are interacting. Just that I notice I feel better if I CAN acknowledge I'm going through rough times, as I also feel uncomfortable when I am with someone and I can tell they are struggling but not talking about it.

Guess that is what hit me hard last time in therapy, after I'd gone through all my intellectualizing and rationalizing and so on ... and he called me back into his office, not "feeling" emotional, then bursting into tears with the "unanswerable question": "WHY is God allowing all this to happen, to keep going on and on?" and the related one, "What am I missing in all this? Why is my only option (to date) to be to walk away and leave all behind?" The theme of my life, so it seems is that if I love anyone, I end up losing them. My mother, my brother. My step mom, for years. Other assorted people through the years. Although later, some have been back ... a possibility I never entertained in past. So to be vulnerable or to care is to feel pain. I wrote in my journal as a teenager that I wished I had no feelings. Are the risks, the losses and the memories (happy or better) worth the pain that might come and seems, when it does, to last so long and overshadow everything normally enjoyable? I guess I like to think so, but honestly, I can just say "I hope so". People who aren' t around any longer are "still there", for me, through memory and spirit and the memories of that help, too. I guess I'm sort of rambling now, thinking out loud or whatever.

And the limbo thing, sometimes I call it being in the "in between place", at times it drives me "nuts" thinking of time and life wasted. Other times, when I've been in it in a different way, like when I used to make deliveries and had to wait for whatever I was picking up, it was just being in a place where I "didn't belong" wasn't going to be hanging out or getting involved ... it became sort of a relaxed, almost hypnotic and sleepy place. A place where I could unwind a bit, not worry about making an impression. Listening to lives and things going on around me but, blissfully almost, not responsible to or for any of it. I've been trying to "hang loose" be more relaxed and have more enjoyable times at "home" ... the place where there is no future and we don't know how long the present will go on. That makes it sort of tough, and thinking of things from the perspective of the world's expectations does too. My daughters seem to be smiling more, and my oldest confided to me the other day that her boyfriend "likes" me ... this, the daughter that made the comment at Thanksgiving when I was JUST sitting down with my plate of food ... and later told me that I had been rude to have behaved as I did with her friends present. And I haven't cried like I did that day, since then ... and the other daughter has returned and made, for the most part it seems, clean breast of the secrets she was to keep from me and etc. It's hard sometimes to know whether to "try harder" and try to satisfy the world or do the best I can, not using ex as excuse, but reality is, I have a person who is joined with others intent on my failure and destruction, and by their omissions of duty, etc. is making a lot of stuff much harder and costly than need be. Keep thinking ... if he was to die tonight, having accomplished all he has against me, who has he ended up hurting more? Me or our daughters? I'd say our daughters. And I figure if the big corporations ... (and I still hope to pay everyone) well, I think they probably know more about dirty tricks than I and they have a more powerful lobby ... I've checked and apparently, it is perfectly "legal" to maliciously destroy, or try to, someone financially and otherwise. You only get in trouble for physical harms, apparently. So I guess I am going to try to stick to my priorities in the order they are important ... God first, then spouse (resigned), children, then friends and work. I've already missed a lot with my daughters and the first year of this was very stressful on all of us. I'm learning to do my separating but still enjoying the time we have. And the banks and all ... well they are charging me late fees and higher interest rates. My children have seemed to forgive me for my own naivete in some of the things I've done that hurt them in past, because I was not wise to the mind games and machinations against me ... and they probably still have quite a ways to go in their own healing, so yes, I want to BE THERE as much and for real as possible ... their forgiveness is a lot more than I'll ever see from a bank or corporation, etc. so I guess it is where the priority is. And if I eventually have to sleep in my car in the cold, well I'll just be a shame to my nation!!

Guess a lot of this stuff is just - well, you don't get a script and there really isn't a book directed at each one of our situations. We're just supposed to magically "know" how to handle it all. And it feels like, or it seems like, I am going through some perspective shifts, but not really sure. Some burnout, too. Just one moment, I feel strong and determined and other moments, I can't take anymore and still, sometimes in there, there are some good times and emotions, and about more than just my daughters. Feels sort of like walking through really thick fog, but without any idea where I'm coming out or what I "can" do to prepare, other than the best I know how and can. And hey, if my best isn't good enough, too bad. I'm only one person. Hope I can deal with it, blase like, if it comes to that. And cope with whatever.

Some of what you describe is simple dissociation.

I am of the belief that interpersonal violence, on other levels besides physical, are just as devastating to our minds and our bodies as do the physical things. Torment is like a stone thrown on a still lake. It has a splash, but there are ripple effects that are far, far reaching. if you consider the energy in all the ripples, you'll probably find that the ripples are just as powerful, although not as acutely, as are original forms of trauma.

you cannot separate the physical from the emotional. When a person has a happy thought, what do they do?? They smile. There in an inextricable tie between the physical and the emotional. Dissociation is a primative form of Psychological Self Defense. For many, dissociation is a cultivated skill, as well.

You have abuse at a mental, situational, familial, and economic levels. I don't know if this is incidental of if it's premeditated and deliberate. I am a bit in the dark from that standpoint. Regardless, the Narcissist does as many negative things unconsciously as you may well do in a positive cognitive fashion.

Most Narcissists are formed by the age of 3. They flourish in certain situations and circumstances because they are basically human predators on a social level...and it makes sense, considering that most species have predators all within their ranks. Why NOT humans??

You need someone to tell you it's going to be alright. You also need someone to make it alright for you.

This is a step by step breaking down process against you. It's engineered, apparently.

You may have to "lose to win". You need a cornerstone of absolute control, be it a strategic move to another place. Are you children in some kind of "Stockholm Syndrome"? Are they attempting to garner strength from the "aggressor"??

Your reactions are spot on. Your perception is your reality, right, wrong or indifferent.

Tiger, I like that. Our perceptions being our reality. I tell my kids something similar. I tell them that they are allowed to feel any way they want. No-one can tell them how to feel. BUT I also tell them that how we act on those feelings defines us as individuals.

Now, by no means am I telling them to lie down and take it. They are strong kids who can identify and deal with others in a very respectful but firm way. I try to do the same. Dadda I believe you feel the same way. This is learned by me after about 13 years of marriage. Let's just say 's do not like being treated like this. Mine thought I treated him looks a child.

Dadda I sure wish there was a way you could move out if that house. houseA change of scenery would probably heal like nothing else.,

The only thing bad about being forced to live in an inter-relational conservatism is the fact that not all of your needs to be met in someone else.

You cannot have insulation without isolation. It's tragic...