I had a "different" kind of day today ... I heard a car horn honk; thought the mailman had a package or letter to sign for, but when I went outside, nobody was there. But there were pink things in the road. When I got closer, I saw 2 pigs walking up and down the state road just as if they were on a stroll and had every right to be there! I called for the animal control; he came and I told him where the pigs went and he disappeared, supposedly to see if he could find out who might be missing the pigs.

A few hours later, a knock at the door ... a lady wanted to know if my pigs were in the road (!!). So I called again and then, went out to see if I could keep an eye on them til the guy came back. I had just seen them in the yard of my "across the street" neighbor, so I went to her house and knocked on the door. We haven't talked for a while, but she knew about the pigs and we went together to see if we could find them.

She attends the same church as MIL (the same woman I haven't seen/talked with since early June and that was at daughter's graduation; she kept telling me previously she was "going to call me" and she was the one who told me I would be an adulteress if I later got involved/married). She asked me if things were going better, as she had the impression we were "working things out". I had sort of a laugh to hear that MIL is in "church" praying piously for GOD'S will, but on the other days, she's entertaining the married girlfriend in her house and going out to dinner, etc with her and destructo-boy. I told the neighbor that I was sorry it wasn't like she thought, but that I actually had a protective order against my husband and that we hadn't talked in some time. I also mentioned the response MIL had given me to my attempt to appeal to her "spiritual wisdom" (her father was a Methodist minister, so I'd think she'd have the Bible down pat). I didn't dwell on it, just said it is a shame ...

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I had a hard time in "Court" last Friday, though. There is something quite galling about seeing one's MIL accompany her 50 year old son to Court and into the little room with the attorney that just got my nerves going ... just made me think whether it is the DRAMA and she can't miss a moment of that (she was all enthused and offering to take me/go with me to doctor last summer when I was coughing up blood; first time she'd WANTED to do anything with me since her son started his rampage ...) or does she REALLY believe he can't even wipe his own butt without her? Either way, it just made me feel very hostile and was not a good feeling. I suppose a lot of it is knowing that her willful blindness to reason, right and her selfishness (covering up her insecurity or should I say cowardice?) is the reason her grandchildren's family is being destroyed again; her money is the reason is that it has gone to the destructive lengths it has ... and she didn't do a lick of work for "her" money ... just got it when her husband died. And yes, in a way it bugs me that she gets a Social Security check just for having been married, while I EARNED mine and will never get my husband's as you only get your husband's if you didn't earn your own (or if his is higher, you can have his amount instead of your lesser one).

I honestly wish that sort of stuff didn't bother me, but it does. And that is something I don't like about me, because in a way I know it IS jealousy. Plus, some bitter disappointment ... sometimes I am so tired when I think of how hard I have worked in past and all I've gotten is debt and disorganization (so Oldandwiser's post really resonates with me).

I tell myself, the "story isn't over yet", but my logical mind KNOWS I am NOT going to make a great discovery, win the lottery or inherit millions and jobs ... well, most of them don't pay as much as it takes to keep up with destruction, much less overtake it ... maybe I need to tell my logical mind to go screw itself or something 'cause it surely hasn't got much optimism in it. And I even feel happy and content as I am sitting here writing this, so it is only when I think of "owing" and "having to" that I feel negative and pessimistic.

Maybe he is just "gambling" with the divorce as much as anything; I obviously am not the kind of person that likes taking big risks, especially when I see a larger hole growing ... I like seeing progress and being responsible SO I can relax. I'm thinking there must be some better ways to handle the emotional aspects, because I notice I have more "right-brain" ideas and confidence about them (and can do the logical aspects of "how to"), but when anxiety and anger rise, I lose the whole train of thought/action, even ... and I am sure that has to do with blocks, etc from the past, state-dependent learning/memory and Stockholm syndrome type stuff.