You are seriously depressed and under a lot of pressure in life.

Anyone who said crime doesn't pay is just plain wrong. If it didn't pay, then why are so many people committing crimes? It's a very popular past time...if not, a vocation.

Your reserves of energy are nil. Life is very complex, anymore, and while it may take 100 decisions or non-decisions to get us where we are; it's going to take just as many decisions to get us going back the other direction.

Closing ranks and simplifying life are about the only thing I know to suggest for now.

Hugs to you!! That is awful. I'm so sorry you're having so much trouble, that just sucks!

Can you confide in your boss at work about what you are going through? That may help him or her understand and they may even be able to help you. I have confided in many friends and all are ready to help at a moment's notice. I did not know how good of friends they were until I gave them the chance to show it.

I hope things get better soon!

Sorry :(
But from where I stand you are a VERY strong lady :)

That's the problem, Tiger. I don't get to make decisions. Just react. The first year of this, my daughters were freaking all the time because of his lies. And sure, I was stupid. I should have told him to come live back here or go to hell or wherever when he issued his ultimatum that he at least was moving back here.

And I have been thinking a lot, because there is not much else to do. A lot of people ... state players have been involved with making this catastrophe, from the DFS who called me mentally ill and drug abuser on his say so, no interview, records or doctor check ... to the police officer who forced me to go to the hospital ... because I said I "wanted to go home"?? to the judge who refused to let facts and truth into his Court and who is related to half the attorneys at ex's old firm to everyone in between. And do you know, I didn't even think I was "disabled" when they said I was .... I went back to working after about a year. Ex was off 8 and only started back when we divorced. I know I'm "burned out". It's not depression. I am not a mechanic, so I don't have all the special tools that would make this disaster easier to deal with. They have "loan a tool" at the Auto parts store, but that's 20 miles away. I had to change out most of the studs last year; for some reason, this one won't seat well enough and the more upset I get, the worse it goes. I'm not really depressed, because I feel happy when this stuff isn't going to hell. The rest of the time, I worry a bit. I make decisions and normally, I make fairly good ones overall. Coming back here, that was a better decision than spending several years and probably, the amount of my credit limits (which were pretty decent) on attorneys ... I KNOW that is one of the things they check and with divorce, you have to provide SS. My downfall was sort of thinking and giving benefit of doubt. I get it, now. He was doing what he knew would "please" me ... laying off the kids, being "responsible" etc. I came back as a roommate, should have held to that, but he knew too a "spouse" would contribute more than a roommate, so he kept. I should have been stashing money, anyway, for a rainy day, emergency, whatever. And was, but slowly b/c of the accumulated debt. Since I knew low rates wouldn't last, I was trying to get that down. Oh well.

And I get this ... he didn't pay the judgment, since it support based, technically, he should have been eligible for jail. He or mother dearest would have coughed it up quickly and I'd have nothing to b*tch about, now would I? But mess up my finances, particularly making use of my paying for attorney fees. Refusing to settle or mediate. Get rid of the other car (daughter's) I was going to buy from her as reasonable priced backup ... knowing she wanted a car that she can't really afford. HE just kept going to dealerships til THEY got financed. Cut the utilities once the decree came and was silent ... knowing our daughters were starting college and not contributing at all, except to have gotten their state aid cut for this year due to his games with taxes ... I will have no money, no job (at this rate), a crap credit score (to jack up my insurance costs as well) and not even a decent and recent employment reference. I'm sure next is to force me out of house and NOT EVER SELL IT ... and what will I do? Oh well, I will either die or this shall be behind me at some point.

Anyway, it's funny mentioning depression, because I was getting interested in the machines they use to mount the tires. It always fascinates me thinking how much mental and probably physical effort goes into producing some machine ... most of which we take for granted. Was hoping to learn more about wheel balancing later on tonite ... maybe not today.

I talked with my boss several months ago ... seems this stuff comes in spates. I put a question into a site to see if I can just drive with 3 for now without damage ... like it should really matter at this point, hah! They were understanding, but there are like 100+ people waiting. I've thought about enclosing a note, but it's just seemed, like I would be looking for "sympathy" maybe come across wrong? And I didn't even want to post, because that is what I feel like ... and no, I just want it to END!!!!!!!!! I rarely have ever had work problems and sadly, it seems MOST have revolved around N drama. But he did say he would pray for me too. Either prayers aren't working or I am not getting the message?

Livelife, if things EVER calm down, life will be a breeze, cause I'll have "super-strength" stock-piled. Haha ... there I at least smiled and laughed, so unfortunately, I will live to suffer more (I never worry or fear death; that part will be a piece of cake in comparison to suffering, which I hate!). I just wish people would do their jobs, do what they are supposed to do and then, I could do mine :-). I don't want to be the spokesperson or drawing attention to myself, another reason I hate this whole situation.

Haha another laugh, keep thinking about those idiots that blew up the house doing drugs celebrating their "good" fortune; as the remainder of the money will likely be going straight to Court and attorney fees ... I think I might buy one lotto ... I never win, though ... this will be maybe 3$ in 5+ years. But I'll think of what I WILL do when I am able to. Why does it seem like those people often win? Life's sense of humor, I guess.

Apparently I won't screw up the car with 3 ... thank you for your replies. I do feel better than I did, although I am not thrilled at explaining or dealing with the new spate of lateness (I was even going and picking up my stuff when I can ... again, I sometimes wonder WHY I try ... I guess I know it pays off in long (or longer) run usually so stiff upper lip and all and out I go ... hoorah. Oh well I'll probably be more relaxed than the last several hours!!

dadda, I know my troubles do not compare with yours. I also was having tire issues.. People have been telling me for about 6 months that I need 4 new tires, so even though I coudl not afford them I went out to get them, called all the shops in town and found that the loca Walmart was the cheepest (I detest Walmart, but because of the price I went anyway). I showed up and told the man the size tires, the price, and all info he needed.. This was after waitng in line for about 20 minutes for 2 customers in front. He looked up on the computer and told me i was wrong that the computer said I needed 17 or 18 inch tires, not the 16 inch I asked for. He refused to come look himself and sent me out to write the numbers down so he couls look at them. So I go out and write down the numbers (16 inch ny the way) and go abck in where he tells me I need to go to the end of the line. So, 30 more minutes later it is my turn. I show him the nnumber he types it in, never once an apology.. then he tells me that he just sold the last of those tires to the guy in front of me, and what would I like to do now....

I smile my sweetest smile, as the same customers that saw him send me out are still their, watching and waiting for me to explode.. and I say "What am I going to do now?? I think I will just leave, thank you" and I turned and walked out.

Then I drove down the road where I could get a better tire and payed a bit more, but now I have new tires from men who were respectful, kind and intelligent. I did call and yelled at my dad for a minute or two and he got me calmed down. He raised me to do this stuff.. I have changed engines, brakes.. if he were near he would have taken that ignorant ars of a man out for me..

I agree that things need to calm down at some point.. there are days like today that my super strength needs to recharge, and I just don't have the time to do it.

I am tired, broke, tired, stressed, overcommitted, broke, and need a second part time job...

dadda. I hope things work out soon.

Thanks, Livelife, I guess we will one day know what all this has been about and it will be okay then, anyway. I don't know about your car, but they put 14 inch on mine, the smallest size. Most neons come with 15 inch and there is an SE, ES and "base", so probably the man looked at the wrong one. Or for some reason, yours are the smaller. I've actually been thinking about just getting the 15 inch rims and going with that size, cause easier to find (I go to the salvage yard and usually can find some pretty decent ones ... $10 to $15, often times with rims no extra charge, so it's doable.

I went out after feeling more calm and a bit cheerier, resolved to deal with things ... and my car won't "go". Put it in reverse and now, it won't go unless I step on the gas, then it goes a bit but then seems like I ran over something. Since I was down at the wheel, I don't know ... I looked under and all around and there's nothing hanging down or blocking anything. Threw a tie road before, but that stopped the car cold. So I am "guessing" for now to check into that or the hub/bearing and such.

My daughter came home and she is letting me use her car (her "new" one). That's pretty nice of her. She told me I can also use it tomorrow if need be. I hope the weather is decent so I can figure this out though. That's three things, the tire that was about to lose it, the broken lugs and now whatever ... so according to cliche at least things "should" go smoother, now.

PS LIvelife ... Looking forward to see how we are by January 2014. With all that stuff (am the same list), it's probably hard to sometimes REALLY know where we are. But we're good moms and friends and several other qualities, too. So hugs, I know in my heart without the N destruction, we'd both be doing fine or better, most likely. But this is part of getting there and I'm glad to know you a bit and everyone else. Just think, at least someday we'll be able to reassure the "young ones" but from solid knowledge.

Dadda, you are amazing first and foremost, I mean you have so much more on your plate, sometimes I feel badly for posting with all you deal with. I know labels, and how they affect us so negatively and how they stick like super glue for a lifetime, but depression is not a bad thing. As in, as you know it is an illness and just like a any disease it has to be tended to in some manner. I have mentioned I know darn well I suffer from it, sometimes for long periods, other times just a few weeks and have the blues of sorts.

It seems you feel like you dont want to admit it, and there is nothing wrong, you are in great company. 100's of millions in the world will suffer at one time or another, and 1 in 4 I believe is the stat just for women. Look at our world, look at Mindy McCready recently, directly after her boyfriend, who may have also resorted to suicide, or maybe not. Matter being they were tormented, worn out, battered, beat down, couldnt catch a break. Yet they had tons of money, luxurious life styles, careers, worldy trips and experiences under their belts, and still couldnt battle mental issues and addictions.

Frankly, If that is what many of us come out of these living hells with is depression I will thank the good Lord above. At least it is treatable......love to all of u..............

Don't feel bad, Sunnygal. If I didn't have the happy memories too, THEN I would be depressed. I wrote a pretty nice article the other week ... it was rather long, but researched it well ... on burnout. There are definitely components of depression and anxiety, but it's more an oversensitivity to every negative thing. Plus, I already over-analyze. I know pretty well, that more and more, juggling finances has resulted in late fees, inflating my balances, etc etc and what that leads to, and so on. So all the maintenance type stuff, worrying that our daughters don't have quite all their college texts (after a month). He knows and I know that if I take him to Court, he may never have to pay. I'm not much impressed with Court or the attorneys I've met and used to date. Not saying they haven't done some help and I am no law expert, but for the price? And my daughters help some, but also lost a lot of college aid thanks to shenanigans. Did some checking and since he can apparently force me into bankruptcy, because being a dirtball isn't a crime. I don't know maybe too, with all I am learning I can write some short (or long) articles someday or do some DV in-services, etc. For me, it's the "how can somebody not understand what is going on?" I am a hostage, unless I just pick up and leave all behind, including our daughters. And he would like that. I would hate to lose this job, but I could handle it. I could handle it if my credit was shot. Doesn't mean permanent.

And at least I have 2 EXTRA tires now in good shape and 4 that seem to be. I'm thinking one of the loose bolts got hung up in the notch in the hub and that it may be a fairly simple fix, as long as nothing was tweaked. I didn't push when I felt the problem. And seriously it sort of blows my mind how insensitive a lot of people can be, just more than I realized. But pretty sure I've been there too and at least I'm doing better remembering who I know that's going through rough times. I was praying for as many as I could remember last night so I wouldn't worry about my tire or have a personal pity party ... and for people here, trying to remember all the screen names ... especially with all the recent picture changes .. was mind consuming.

And say worst came to "worst" and I lose my job or my car is really shot for a while. Thanks to his seriously injuring my brain, I have at least that income for the moment and a Godsend in the middle of nowhere. I could make the utilities and groceries. Street smart, I probably would have just quit paying everything I didn't "have to" and saved all I could. Don't need credit so much if there is cash ... but it would be easy to throw integrity out in a ready made excuse ... some things may change ... economy could miraculously get better ... or segments of it ... a rich uncle I don't know is rich could leave a bequest ... last time, a store manager I respected asked me to put together a training program for his employees and present it several times as training ... I kept a copy of the check and all, because that was one of those "awesome moments". It wasn't lots of money, it was the fact that someone I respected professionally noticed me in my brief stocking visits and I made a positive impression. Just can't count on the good stuff or the scheduling ... tell you what, I WILL NEVER go skiing down a mountain ... this whole time of life feels like out of control careening down one and I DON'T thrive, apparently, on all the adrenalin rushes! But I am feeling better (though tired) and I'm glad that some of you have responded to my venting and just being there for me. And actually, I'm glad you all brought up the depression and such. I have been, usually all I want to do is sleep and block it all out ... hibernate til the winter is over. When I'm exhausted, emotionally or from all I've had to do, I sometimes do just that. I've just been paying attention for months, trying to figure out how can I be happy and feel peace deep down if I am depressed. It could be termed "reactive" or circumstantial depression to a degree, but I know that it is not a chemical imbalance originating from inside me. I still think too SOME of my internal feelings ARE possibly projective identification, as the drama is not being played out interpersonally per se, but the Ns are always going to be doing their drama and reenacting old scripts; I was reading articles on how therapists will often feel the internal reactions AFTER sessions with particular clients are well over and often, they can use the responses to help them figure out what is being played out. I'm the bad family member who isn't following script, so my conditional "love" is totally gone and all physical "rewards" that represent "love" or even needs, are taken. That's cool though, I'd probably never have learned to work on my car if MIL hadn't flaked the day she was supposed to help me drop my car at the shop for belt change. I did it. It was hard. I got over it and didn't and don't count on her anymore ... let her be "important" away from me. I'm not missing anything special ... sweet dreams, I hope!

My heart goes out to you Dadda, and Live, and Sunny, and everyone, and me, too. Wish I had the money and the power to fix all this nonesense for us all. A thousand hugs to you couragous women.

What I am reading are words from a completely overburdened, overstressed, exasperated, highly intelligent woman. Tremendous amount of anxiety, yes, indeed. "This too shall pass" this is the mantra tape I play in my head when things become to much and I just feel I can't take any more. Over and over again I'll say it ( sorry the extra "over" )is a tad bit redundant but for dramatic effect I put it in :) daddy, I literally freak out about everything that I feel I have no control over. Who told you you're unreliable? Did someone actually say that too you recently or is this your own thoughts, or both?

If you're having issues with your tires, that is a valid reason and a reason beyond your control. ( I'm having Déjà vu right now) Very strange. Anyway, you hang on, you're going to get past this. I find once things become to hard to bare something always shifts, it's just a matter of hanging on for that hour longer or that day longer. It happens, you'll see.

I'm sorry you're going through this dadda, we love you!