I'm very sorry your so sad and lost mickidee, I wish I could you words of solace and remove the emotional pain for you, Finding out he's knocked up another woman must be devastating, I know that I would've felt the same way and perhaps still would if I found out my exN was having a baby. He's playing games with your heart because he know he can. He doesn't care if he hurts you but this says nothing about you and who you are and says everything about him and his sick twisted mind.

If you don't have children with him or any other ties, NC is the ONLY way. You won't start to heal until this has happens and that means changing your phone numbers too. You're still plugged in and dealing with him, you wont heal until it comes to a full stop. You're the only one who can do this. It's far from easy, believe me, I know. It will hurt so bad but it will diminish, in time.

'Where there is desire there is gonna be a flame, where there is a flame someones bound to get burned but just because it burns it doesn't mean you're gonna die, you got to get up and try, you got to get up and try" -Pink

Thats very good advise....and something that helped me was when I realised that I was in love with who I 'wished' my ex was..and not who he really was....When you finally see the illusion clearly...it helps straighten out your thinking....and makes easier to move on.

He is obviously one helleuva nasty man. Like kassandra said hes playing games with your heart because he knows that he can. Very cruel games......Sounds to me that he gets off on controlling your emotions..and to a man like that... your pain is especially good to show him that he still has control over you. Sounds like he is tied to a heroin addict now through a child..do you need any of that in your life? What is he doing sleeping with someone who takes heroin?

I would write a list of what exactly you think you love about this man? and another list of what he actually has done wrong to you.

This exercise is very good to help you move on..it was devised by a woman in the abuse forum....

Buy several packs of index cards.

You will write individual items
that fall into one of two categories
----- ONE PER CARD. One category are
things that are larger categories of
abuse. . . . . such as:

Retaliated with the silent treatment
called me ugly names
told me his abusive comments were "a joke"

These are just examples; these cards,
ONE ITEM PER CARD ---- are whatever YOUR
abuser does.

The second category of cards, will be a
brief phrase that recounts ONE instance
of what your abuser has done, over the
course of your relationship. So these
cards will hold ---- ONE INSTANCE PER
CARD ----- individual times your abuser
has hurt you ----- big or small ----- anything
confusing or that leaves you feeling like you
were spun around.

EVERY TIME you can think of. If something
hurt you or made you feel uncomfortable or
brought you DIScomfort, it gets a card. (This
might have been witnessing your abuser being disrespectful
to others.)

DO NOT edit yourself telling yourself, "Oh
that was nothing. It didn't hurt much."
DON'T NOT give it a card, if it came into
your mind!!!!!!! DON'T censor yourself.

You won't do this exercise all at once.
Carry some cards in your purse or pocket
with you, wherever you go. If you think
of something, write it down. Continue to
fill out new cards as long as instances
keep coming to mind.

Ways to make the categories complete:

For the individual instances category:

Look over the large categories to help you
remember individual times.

Look at photographs.

Look at day planners and diaries.

Think about trips you took.

Ask friends and families what bad things they remember.

For the large categories:

Go through the individual cards and divide
them into the larger categories. After doing
this is there a category appearing for which
you don’t have a “large category” card.

There are a lot of reasons why doing this
at the time of a break up, will help you
keep moving forward.

Later on, when you need reminding, the evidence of why you
broke up, is there, in black and white.

When you wake up from a dream of how great
it was and how much you miss him, pull out
the stack.

You can either roll straight
through the stack, and remind yourself that
all these instances are really just the tip
of the iceberg of how bad it really felt.

Or you can go through card by card, and
slowly and deliberately, put yourself
back into each painful moment.

However long you spend on doing this, long or
short, you'll be able to counter the
bittersweet dream feelings of missing
for the romance that never lasted in
real life.

this is something I struggle with too... everyone else seems to be getting better but some of us really have a harder time. No words of advice just that your not alone. I don't know the way thru this when I'm still emotionally tied.

But in your case if he's gotten someone else pregnant that should be a deal breaker. No way, that is sooooo disrespectful and wrong. Meanwhile he's calling you and making you believe you too have a future and are connected. This guy isn't worth it.

Micki and Serenitystar,

I particularly connected with the advice KassandaDee gave. NC is the only way. Micki, you are admitting that you are addicted to his calls and texts . . . just like the addict he got pregnate. As long as you keep teasing yourself by reading his messages and opening your heart to him, nothing will get any better and it may very well get worse. Sometimes it is alluring to stay hooked on the bad emotion because we are afraid if we gave it up, we slip into a void of nothingness. Try to refocus your thinking to see that the void he leaves behind is a fertile field where you can grow into a much stronger, happier woman. Sure, you have to work on yourself before you blossom, but you can do it. Seek therapy, vent here, try to find outlets where you can connect to other people . . . not to date . . . you are not ready (if you dated now you would probably latch on to the first man that smiled . . . and he might be another loser). You need to focus on enriching your life for yourself . . .new hobbies, new friends, new interests. Find peace within your own soul then you will be ready to blossom and ready to build a true loving relationship with a worthy man. Every moment you waste on this N dipsh.t just delays your future happiness because it traps you in the past . . . a past that was/is hurtful and will destroy you if you let it. You have to focus forward . . . one baby step . . . one day at a time. NC is the best way to do that. Start again, Right now. Courage.

Congratulations on your progress, Mtumotr!! You are lving proof that the NC process works. Keep updating us on your progress to Peace and Happiness.

I remember when he was still texting or leaving messages. In a way, when the things sent are positive, it's easier to keep the hope or fantasy alive that things will change for the better. That's hard to get past. I like the index card idea, because it reminds me of what my sister-in-law (who dotes on him otherwise) told me when she found out he ran off with another woman: "DON'T trust him." Best suggestion ever, because he kept a hidden "knife" (metaphorical) as he continued to "play nice" from time to time, trying to get info or influence my behavior and decisions - to his advantage.

When I came back in 2005/2006 and he supposedly wanted to remarry because he "was in love" I agreed to come back although I actually (and told him so, honestly) had NO loving feelings for him; I actually had feelings/was "in love" with someone else, but knew that wasn't going to go anywhere. I was torn up and cried MANY a tear and for some time, but other than getting drawn emotionally into his web again over time, I don't regret my decisions. When you KNOW there isn't a future one place, you somehow find the strength. It doesn't always happen immediately and it doesn't make it easy. Eventually, though you ARE looking at things and they are behind you and from the new perspective, you see it all differently, usually. Maybe a little, maybe a lot.

Thanks to all who took the time to respond. Your kind words of encouragement and advice are just what I needed. Thank you.

I can attest to the power of no contact. I was, like you, still longing to hear from him and/or see him. I often reached out to him too. I felt lost without him, but also lost with him. I finally realized that having him still in my life was destroying me and decided that no matter how hard it seemed to do I needed to cut off contact with him so I could heal.

It was not easy. Far from it. But as time goes on, and you have less and less input from him into your life you start seeing things more clearly.

As for going out with other nice men, you can do that even though you still have feelings for the ex. Just go for the conversation and companionship. No one says you have to fall in love with the guy. Just have a nice time. It does help to get your mind off the old N who is dragging you down into his ridiculous drama.

Just keep telling yourself, "I am not responsible for his life or happiness any more." Because you aren't!

Ten years a long time. I think it's just going to take a while longer. It has taken me about over a year this time to get over the last breakup after an on and off 4.5 year relationship with a narcissist. I'm still not totally over it. I never felt about anyone the way I felt about him or had quite the connection. Some of that was real, but he was emotionally immature and exploitative towards me and those wounds hurt a lot because they cut so deep at so many things. Being an N is an assault on one's basic humanity. I still think I am somewhat in love with my ex-N but all I have to do is think of the awful things he did to me emotionally and I realize I can hold too different experiences of him in the same hand and still decide I was better off and to just keep going through my healing and keep it moving forward. The longer you get away from it, the easier it will get, I can promise you that. It may take a while yet, but it will take what it takes and eventually you will begin to entertain the idea of another relationship. I can do that now, but I'm still not ready to be in one, but at least I can kind of see it now - that there is the possibility I can love someone else as much too, who will be much better for me because I will know better this time.

P.S. I did try to date a couple of men after him and it just triggered comparisons that were not good for me and they turned out to be almost worst, but at least more obvious so I could get rid of them and not be confused. I've just decided it's not my time to date. I date myself and try and focus on friendships and my own plans and hobbies. I'll know when and if it's really time but nothing sucks like going on a date or finding yourself involved with someone else and not being over the main N. I look back at my past and thought I had such strong attachments and feelings before, but I got over them and I'll get over this one too.

And even if I never love anyone or give anyone a chance as much as I did my ex-N, it's ok. I can somehow live with that too. But I couldn't be with him and that I know....