dadda-
Hugs to you. You are strong and a survivor, it may not feel like it now, but you will get through this.
Coffee

Sorry to hear that you are going through this. I pray that you find peace and courage to fight back and keep moving on. Hugs

So sorry to hear it! My experience is they often can win, in unfair ways. But the sheer horribleness of what lengths they will go to, to get to you, may free some support and help around you. After some around me really got what I was up against, and that it would not stop, I did get much more help and understanding.

Do you have family or good friends nearby that could help? Even if all they could do was to talk with you and interface between you and whoever you have to deal with on the car, rent, etc. that would help. This unrelenting stress and the fear of uncertainty can take away your energy. So having someone near with normal energy and normal rational thoughts can be so supportive.

If the house is under his control, I'd want out anyway. Better to live away from anything to do with him, even if that means it is very modest in the meantime.

OK, I just caught up with your various recent notes. I responded right away because you sounded so desperate. But now, in perspective, things sound unrelentingly unpleasant, but not so bad that it can't all be solved. I guess, and hope, that the house is in both your names so you can stay there until it sells. Unless there is a court order for the "rent", you would not have to pay it, particularly if he owes you almost as much in support. And even if you do, you can show the court how low on funds you are, and how you have not received support payments. Pretty sure support payments behind trump late rent in the legal heirarchy and in time allowed before serious things happen. I can't imagine how you could get thrown out of house you own. He is just playing with you most likely.

When you're sick and down is not the time to make these decisions. Focus only on getting well and ignore the rest, find some support with normal energy to help you think things through and take things on one at a time. I think my "transition" (through divorce and moving house and office) list had something like 364 "To Do" items on it, and I'm finally getting down to the last 15 or so. It does eventually happen.

And your kids do eventually adjust and get their lives back into better shape, especially once you all are more settled. Uncertainty worries them too, but we can all learn to adjust to whatever new circumstances once we know what they are. It'll get better. Hang in there! I know you're probably sick of hearing that, but it is true.

dadda have you applied for section 8 housing and all that sort of thing? If you have not please get on the list..Look for affordable places to rent. I am soo sorry you have this going on in your life, but please dont give him the satisfaction of breaking down...Live with a friend, please do what you have to do to get away from the control of this man...He may well want your ultimate destruction.

Thank you ALL for your replies. I really didn't want to come on and sound so down ... but it does sometimes "hit hard" as you probably all know. I think too, in past I have one of those people who gets outraged by unfair and wrong things and DEFINITELY, have taken action on others' behalves. It is a lot cushier position to be in, for sure. But I guess I really believed that more people around here would be supportive, in whatever way ... to check on us, at least. But I am guessing I am learning realities ...

I am trying to take it easy. Snowy, I don't know that I would qualify for section 8, but that reminded me that I think there is some kind of housing voucher for DV. So I will check some more into all of that.

I pushed myself to get some stuff done last night ... and I am working on "mowing" the acre with a weed whip ... I just realized yesterday it's missing a spring ... I should be able to get the part for the push mower this week and that will help.

And Escapefor1, it is nice to "meet" you and thank you for the suggestions and I will be taking some of those!

I'm hoping that some taking it easy and trying to recharge will help and as always, still brainstorming. Can't find my shop manual so that is hindering working on the car. Thankfully, my daughter is letting me use hers for the time being. I still do believe in things getting better, though it's not always easy, but oh my, I am so sick and tired of not having power over my own life (cause what I got right now SURE isn't "my life" LOL).

Dadda, just reading this. So glad others have been so supportive. You have every right to feel tired and down. You already survived so much. Things that would have distroyed a lesser woman 100 times over. Maybe it is time to pack up a suitcase, throw everything into your daughter's car and get out if Dodge.
I swear I would take a paper sack and a Greyhound bus to a distant women's shelter before I would continue to let that ass bully me one minute longer. There is no shame in walking away.

Of course, it is your life and your decision. But is it really worth you physical, mental, and emotional health? You have fought a good fight. You have nothing left to prove. Cut yourself a break. Starting over free of this burden has to be easier than this hell. Give it some serious thought. A thousand HUGS, my friend. I (we) are here to support you no matter what. Jenny

Ha ha! That made me smile, though ... the thought of taking off in my daughter's car. She would have a conniption (sp?) fit ....

I am feeling a bit better. I think I am angry, and rightly so, about a lot of things, but that anger doesn't have many places to go ... I made some contact last week with the DV people and am going to contact the church in the next city again about my car; also have some money again which helps. I have wanted to go to Court, too about the utility bills (as I have been picking up ALL of our daughters' school expenses, but again, the decree was "silent" on portioning them out). I have also been doing the maintenance and upkeep of the house, which should count for something and fact is that I have been more than WILLING to leave, two years ago, BUT HE WOULD NOT SETTLE.

I need for someone to SEE that this is about controlling me and forcing me into a situation. I have gone through a lot of my papers; for example, we have had THREE divorce actions in the past 15 years. He filed twice and I filed once, but I still have the papers he filled out before I filed. I found journal entries and etc that show he was trying to get me "locked up", so the whole divorce was, technically void due to fraud, duress ... coercion. I have the medical records that SHOW he was interfering with my treatment and "second-guessing" the tests I underwent, plus the doctor who was TELLING HIM ... and I even had to take medication to the doctor's office so he wouldn't take it ...

Court (filed) papers accusing me of abusing our children, in the last divorce, as well as this past ... so WHAT KIND OF PARENT TAKES AN ABUSER BACK INTO THEIR HOUSE?? And WHY would I leave a good job and life, to come back unless it was AS I SAID ... that I was concerned about our children? And it is "strange" that after divorce is when I also start abusing? I have e-mails from shortly after I came back, while he was OUT OF STATE, praising me for how well I was doing with our daughters ... how they were doing better ... what kind of protective parent takes off out of state and leaves their children with an ABUSER?? And while he was filing that stuff this past time, I have pix of him ... in bed with someone, hanging out with the nurse, at Notre Dame BB games ... that he was sending to his friends ... not ONE thing about his worries about abuse, and he could have been staying HERE, instead of gallivanting all over the countryside, having fun, if there was ONE SPECK OF TRUTH, to his allegations.

I have the letter from my attorney and to her, that I should not HAVE TO BE in a relationship with him, just to be able to stay out of Court and see our children ... that tells her that he was insisting I have a relationship with him ... and the one I got back (misleading and erroneous, I know now) that custody would basically, not be changed and I should "get along with him".

I have the mediation letter from 2004, where I tried to come to written agreement and set out the basic visitation a year in advance, so I did not have to be terrorized. The mediator, also a licensed mental health therapist, notes I came in for the third meeting, when we were supposed to come to agreement. I had the schedule ... and the letter noting he never showed for that, called or anything.

And so on ... and in particular, first time (2003) he was claiming I was abusing and needed to be "restricted", he was in another state, when the Court hearing rolled around ... in a casino.

So yes, I am frazzled and frustrated, but not completely "given up". I wish I could put this all (there's so much more, like the "commitments" that were actually, as I know now, civil rights violations) in a nutshell and give it to the right person ... because I KNOW this is wrong, and so would the whole darn system ... if someone with credibility and outside, were to see it for what it is ... and care enough and have knowledge to act.

Dadda,

There is always a reason to keep going. I get up and go to work every day. I slowly rehab the house that N would not let me fix while he lived here. I know I have a fight ahead of me when I start the divorce. I know eh will not back down until I am nothing but nothing (the lawyer seems tog et this too...I hope this helps me in the end) so do not feel alone.

I am starting to wonder though, is he winning because you are still there to torture? If everything is in writing.. that the house has to be sold, that the money needs to be divided. Wouldn't you win by just up and leaving one day. Like Que said, go to a womans shelter a couple hrs away. If he moves in like you fear then regroup away from him and his terror. Ask at the shelter fro legal help, two hrs away will give you a whole new perspective on things.

You may find that you will feel better, the lawyers (those trained to help 'battered women' ) will be able to help in ways you have never dreamed of. And, you will be saving what is left of yourself.

Right now you live in a small town where everyone knows everyones business. Step away, detach, and approach from a different angle. I was lucky to find a lawyer who knows nothing about the N or his NFP. and he is quite charitable. A new angle, a new perspective...

I am communicating with the woman who's the outreach director at the DV agency. I think the fact that this is a rural area, there isn't always a lot of "up to date" info so I do a lot of research as well.

I am also making snips when I post to things like "Indiana Republicans" page on FB, etc. At some point, I WILL be heard and I WILL have evidence of the "blow off".

The main problem with my "up and going" is that, yes, the decree IS in writing, but he has a LONG history of violating Court orders. I did not get summer visitation, except for one week I spent at the house, because he was supposed to be getting my car fixed. He did not, and later took me to Court, after claiming "I was not visiting our children". So I had to buy a car, for $13k, after writing to his attorney and getting threatened to be charged with conversion. I was afraid to buy used ... cause if it broke down ... it is the same car ... LOL that is now ALWAYS breaking down. But IF I leave, there is no reason to think the house WILL EVER sell. Plus, he would PROBABLY be charging our daughters to stay ... and I KNOW what some will say, let them learn the hard way ... that would be fine, except if he has threatened me and controlled me through FEAR and terror in past, that would (to me) be unconscionable. Better to take some (financial) loss now, get the house sold and then they would be forced to do SOMETHING different, even if it is hard. Since I am already screwed financially, a bit more can't hurt ... right? And they ARE getting a chance to see how Dad is behaving ... and this is likelier to stick than the stuff they grew up with. My youngest told me the other week that her father is doing what he is "out of spite", that he "can't come back like the last 3 years didn't happen" and that he has a "violent temper". This is a far cry from the child who wrote letters on her father's behalf to the Court, previously ...

I think this is probably harder than anything I have ever done, including the time I went down to Court, KNOWING I would probably end up in jail. I did. But after that, the tide started to turn in my favor, although he continued to refuse me visitation. I now have the documented HISTORY of fifteen years ... of civil rights violations, fraud against me as well as the Court, and a recording of my 10 year old daughter, etc (with transcripts) telling me she was afraid to visit me because Grandma (his mother, who at that time was also violating my "first right to care") told them I was going to kill them and was taking medicine to "get big muscles". I have hundreds of pages of transcripts, because I started taping back in 2003. For my own protection.

But one thing I have learned ... is that the innocent party has a more expensive and longer, work-filled journey ahead of them, if the abuser gets the upper hand.

I post the threats and have posted some video with his screaming hissies to my FB page ... that way, if anything EVER happens to me ... it's there. Plus, some people have very much given me support and encouragement ... the ones who chastise ME, under the circumstances (particularly those who tell me I'M not being "Christian") ... I answer and if they persist or disappear ... well, I know who to watch out for. But it makes me angry that the state acts like they are out to stamp out DV/abuse, then blow off the family members getting it ... after all, I have daughters ... and I WILL be letting Republicans know that come election time, I will be making sure to "spread the word" (I am currently registered Republican), with my handy visual aids.

Think I must be (getting) over the doldrums ... I am getting energy again LOL ... thanks!

Dadda I am so sorry to hear this. I have not been on here much, trying to stay sane, working alot and just moving, surviving. As someone else mentioned you dont have to pay the rent do you? Is the note from the N? Or an actual court document? The car thing, I am on another end, I still owe thousands to the Ns Dad for my running car, sometimes I wish I had no car. Stupid huh? But then one less tie to GET THE HELL OUT.

You have been there for me SO MANY TIMES I am sorry I have not been on here much. Call me anytime as you know u can, or PM me? Love you girl, and you will get through this . And no reason to feel BAD about being down, geez, we all get that way, and we all try like heck to help one another, even if just by listening!! Love ya, hang in there.

Dadda, think you may be feeling comfortable in your discomfort...are you seeing a counselor?

Dadda, I love ya~ you're a solid woman. Sometimes you feel like ya just can't catch a break eh? I know it all too well. Truly hope things start to come together for you soon. I'll pray for you all that I can. For guidance and strength. Thinking about you and with I could give some wonderful advice and support like you do for me :)

Dadda, sorry I did not post here often, I was away for 3 weeks and when I came back I was worried about work and could not have mind and time to think or write. Sorry to hear what you have been and continue to be through. Oh gosh , that grand mother! With her lies and attempt to have yourkids be against you. I do not know how to help you. I know you are a strong woman , you always fight for us through your advices , encouragements and posts.
I know you can surf the internet and find services that could provide shelter , financial and even legal assistance. for victims of violence and abuse, to find assistance . Please do not hesitate to contact them and find help. I hope you find the answer and peace very soon. Hugs