My heart goes out to you. My oldest daughter did pretty much the same to me at first. Blamed me for everything having gone wrong. It really hurts and is so thoughtless. I hope down the road that your daugher will see the truth as all my children have. In the meantime, do things to take care of you. Your daughter will someday wake up to reality. it may take her getting in to a similar mess...but she will wake up.

Yes, No win. If the girls are not helping you and being supportive it may be time to give them space.. Enough rope to hang themselves is what my dad would say. I find him to be very wise, as he spent most of his 20's working 2-3 jobs, raising a family and bailing his 2 big brothers out of prison...

Do, not cosign a loan for college for her. She has a couple of choices. She can become an emancipated minor and do it all on her own, or she can have daddy sign the loan form (or grandma, as she seems to be playing a very evil role in this mess) and you don't wnat to be stuck repaying the loan when she and dad bail on it.

I wish you peace and you try and move forward in your life today. It is time.

Thank you, ladies. I went to bed and just slept ... I feel the truth of being in a no-win situation ... nothing I do is "enough". But I really like the idea of her Grandma, especially, doing the signing. I keep getting sort of angry thinking it's like her son is going through the neighborhood, breaking windows out with baseballs and he won't fix anything, just runs home to hide behind her skirts ... and she also won't take responsibility for the damage her little 50-year-old is doing ... if people looked at it in that (a more proper) context, they would seem them for the shame they are to themselves. But since it's just my "windows" and the kids, people don't look too closely, if at all.

Livelifenow, I hope the job is getting more interesting! So much fun to be doing those first days as you described elsewhere. And those high school teachers ... never a sense of urgency, your descriptions made me smile.

Oldandwiser, in my mind I KNOW that me/her father, that there is "responsibility" and "accountability" for the disaster and that her father/his mother sure aren't going to take it on ... I have heard the blame thing land square on my head WAY too many times ... I'm the "safe" parent, so to speak, because I'm not "threatened" when falsely accused or so on ... but my daughters are going to have to learn that I am human and I get tired and I, like most other people, expect or appreciate some common human decency to come my way from going the extra mile, etc. If she wants to have N attitudes, she can hang out with Ns and see how much help they give her.

It was so much easier when I had my own place to enforce a few simple rules and it did my girls good; they developed SELF-discipline, which I have always thought of as the most important mechanism for maturity and making good decisions. So thanks, to you both, it is just VERY painful. But I know I don't want to be bailing 50 year olds out nor do I want to go through emotional blackmail from my own children. So I will try to hang tough.

dadda, I think it is time for you to step back and let the kids find their own solutions to their problems. You've been busting your butt trying to keep it together for everybody, encountering hassle after hassle and it's time to cut them loose and take care of YOU. They'll figure it out, and perhaps, Grandma/Dad will step up when you aren't there for them to use. It is very hard to hand them the "tough love' card, but it is time, and they do have another parent/Grandparent in their life. From this day forward, emancipate everybody! :)
Hugs,
T.

Dadda,

Please know that you did all you could do. At some point, we have to let them sink or swim. Be careful about signing anything. You have to supply info, but you should not have to actually sign a loan. Parents are expected to fill out the Parent Plus Loan Pre-Application form but that does not mean they are actually signing for a loan. That comes later and you can refuse to do that. What happens with the PPL Pre-App is that the parents' credit is checked. If the parents do not have good credit and they are turned down, then and only then the student becomes eligible for additional student loans (over and above those first Pell Grants and student loans) that the student can then get in her OWN name. That would obligate you to nothing. The reason that the parent has to at least apply for the PPL is that the government does not want to offer extra loans to a kid whose parents are wealthy and should be helping the kid without government assistance. If you fill out the PPL Pre-app and for some magical reason are approved (I doubt it, as you income low) you still can refuse the actual loan itself. You would be obligated only if you signed the actual Parent Plus Loan papers, over and above the pre-application. Your daughters' schools should be able to clarify this for you.

Also, there are only a few circumstances where an emancipated student under the age of 24 can get financial aid without the parents' taxes and signed paperwork. One is if the student is married. One is if the student has a child of their own and can prove that he/she supports that child with at least 51%; or One if the student served in the military. Otherwise, even if legally emancipated for other reasons and circumstances, there is no financial aid available through the FAFSA. There may be other government programs for blind students, etc. but the FAFSA does not accept emancipation without one of the criteria above.

Dadda, I know how hard all this is for you. I, like OldandWiser, hope your daughters will some day recognize how much you care and how hard you tried to help them and make their life easier and better. You have tried so hard to protect them and guide them, but you can only do so much. Now it is time to focus on yourself. We are here for you. Hugs.

Well, I got the answer about help for my car ... no funds available. Just another day in paradise. I don't know why they couldn't have just looked and said that rather than my having to go through the whole rigmarole of filling out an application, going to another mechanic for a written up estimate and hoping. The sad thing is I know I have to live through another forty years or so ... Nothing to do, nowhere to go and nobody around her to do anything with, anyway. I'm bummed.

I think I am most bummed because this should be a fairly happy time. I should be able to go shopping with my daughter for dorm stuff and be helping her through all this. I hate those people ... his whole family can lie, cheat, steal and screw around and working hard and trying to have integrity and hope gets you absolutely squat.

This is just a thought but maybe you could join some kind of group.or club. Where I live the they have meet up groups. They do all kinds of things hiking, book club, yoga ,walking etc. most are free It is not fun to do things alone. I am sorry you are going through such a hard time. Sending lots of hugs your way.

Thank you, IDonna ... I actually did check into some of those Meetups a while back ... they are all "away" from the boonies ... I will be glad to be back in civilization ... I think a walk downtown, just looking at people and buildings and stuff like that would really make me feel better ... maybe I will check again since I am trying to do this web site and have been pulling my hair out on certain aspects; certainly other people are doing that sort of thing!

I have to go to work now for a bit then I am going to try to tackle the website again ... made some progress.

Apparently, my daughter is no longer speaking to me ... as she came home, showered and has now taken off again. I hate times like this. I did notice she hasn't picked up any of the medical bills I left for her, though ... why do I feel so cruel?

I hope that when you are out you get a help newspaper with help wanted, update your resume, and start looking for rooms or apts in the closest large town/city. In this way you can start the next 40 yrs with a fresh start.

Letting kids grow up is sometimes cruel. I helped my youngest learn to ride today without training wheels. She could do it, but wouldn't let me let go... anyway, I explained to her that my job as a parent is to make sure she has the skills she needs to succeed and to patch her up and put her back on the bike if she fell. It was not my job to throw my back out while listening to her whine and act like a ninny. And then I just stood and watched and waited. I think this is where you are, throwing your back out. Anyway, within about 100 yds she was going on her own. About 2 miles later she was going 100yds at a time. Did I feel mean, yes, but if I didn't back off she would have never gone out on her own... Your daughters are big enough to skin their knees and if they come to you to patch it up, you can help them fix it, not fix it for them. If they go to dad or grandma.... there really is nothing you can do about it at this point.

You need to start self care. an prepare for your future. I hope you get another nights peace and sleep.

and Quepasa, my comment was not for financial aide. Just a general statement that there comes a point when kids need to grow up and take care of themselves. If they are being disrespectful and not wanting to listen to reason then it is time for them to take on adult responsibilities.

I worked full time through school and was on deans list with 18 credit hrs/semester. My parents were not in a position to help. If she wants it bad enough she will find a way of getting herself there. If she is doing ti to prolong dependance on parents she shouldn'tbe in school anyway, it is just a waste of time at that point.

(Giggle) I actually took a nap when I got back. Know what I hate? When everything is going wrong and those you care about "whomp" you ... it always makes me feel like I have no energy. I felt better but hungry when I woke up. I texted my daughter and asked her if she is "gone for the duration".

She replied, "What is there to say anymore?" I said something else (about if this is who she is) and then she asked me, "What am I supposed to do?"

I told her, "You might try listening without attacking or assuming. Do you think it is easy on me that my marriage turned out to be a sham? No. It hurts like hell. None of what I am doing is easy."

She said, "Oh, I forgot that this has been a gd cakewalk for me. Just keep feeling sorry for yourself."

I replied, "Sorry to offend you. I didn't realize my saying something about my experience somehow negates yours."

"What have I assumed or attacked about? Weren't you the one making assumptions about my banking account?" (Her, she jumped my case when I tried to talk about this yesterday.)

I finished by saying, "You are not the issue of what and why I was talking to begin with. These loans weren't necessary, which is the point of why I had to say something to begin with."

**************
I don't think it sounds like she hates me; personally I think that we are all hurting but he WON'T take any of the responsibility for anything he has done, so not only do I have to occasionally take more than my share of their anger, hurt, rage (and they aren't going to cry or show softer, more tender emotions because he could give a da** and I think they know that much.) But I also think, as you all have said, my stepmom too and what I know to be true, that sometimes I have to give them the truth, hopefully them remembering that I don't lie to them, even to make them feel better, and believe me.

When the kids were younger, he had them spying on me and taking things out of my house ... I actually had to trot my daughters down to the police station, for that and once because refusal to wear seat belts which got totally ridiculous and out of hand. Maybe I'm weird to do that, but my daughters have been systematically taught that I am not only loony, but to actively disrespect me and what I expect of them. The short sighted selfish jerk doesn't care about how that could cost them ... one daughter got picked up for shoplifting (with Daddy), but I accompanied her to the probation department for every meeting. And without taking "blame", I did let that gentleman know my daughter had been handicapped by very poor parental example (yes, I included myself because even if it wasn't "my fault", my falling apart in a breakdown didn't help them.). Now she spends too much on junk, but no more stealing.

I got the runaround from the prosecutor's office the other week; the lady I spoke with said my protective order was expired. I found my copy and it is good through next June. As she said, I need to bring my copy in because they might dismiss the pending charges against him. I am trying to find out the REAL rules whether I can have the more serious reports forwarded; why should I continually be penalized for THEM not doing their job, or properly? I also checked an on-line site I found and it verified the protective order and didn't show it as expired. So besides having to deal with the fallout from Peter Pan, I am tired from/of these people, who apparently can't keep things straight ... and which fact seems to often results in my being penalized. BOO!

Your story about dad reminds me of a toddler that was just learning to make animal noises. You know cats say 'meow' dogs say 'woof' Her dad taught her that cows 'oink' and pigs 'moo'. I asked him why he was doing that as long term it would be detrimental (seems silly but at 2 it can really mess with a kids head) He said 'because it is funny' I told him he was being selfish ans stupid...... Anyway, she learned that cows moo and pigs oink. That daddy was an idiot that could not be trusted. and that a new teacher (he pulled her) felt the same even if it was a fancy center. Anyway, she learned at 2. Others take longer to figure it out.

What wonderful advice, Livelifenow, I love the story about your daughter and the bike.

Dadda,
From his earliest days, my son was calm, independent and self-motivating. He has taught himself to be a wonderful husband and father. I am proud of him and give him 95% of the credit, taking only 5% for myself and my efforts as a mother.

Yet, I feel so bad about how I mothered my daughter. She needed a different type of parenting then what i provided. I could sense that she had low self-esteem but I had no idea why. I thought it was because of my divorce from her dad and his subsequent disapperance from our lives. Later I learned that there were additional, hidden issues. She suffered from so much in her life, but the biggest factor was the secret she kept inside about being molested by my little brother (only 3 years older than my daughter) when she was nine. Although I never knew about the molestation until my daughter was in her late 20s, i can not help but lament her pain and my ignorance of it. She lived to be 45, but her life was full of pain and sorrow, several miscarriages, widowhood, a double breast removal, and finally a very painful, slow death. I can not help but wonder if I could have made her tougher some how . . . . made her more resilent to life's traumas. After the first miscarriages and her husband's accidental death, I tried to protect her from the sorrows and pain of life. I now know that I did the wrong thing for the right reasons. I became over-protective and she became dependent upon me. I could never had foreseen or prevented her illness or any of the other painful episodes in her life, but, had I not tried to shield her from the pain and sorrow, perhaps she would have been stronger and better able to cope with the traumas in her life . . .

Dadda, I would never presume to judge when or how you should try to help your daughters. I suspect that no matter what we do, we, as mothers, will always second guess ourselves. In the end, all you can do is try to do is love them and try to help them become independent, happy adults. Not an easy task, for them or for us. Hugs.