Narcissist Trauma Survival and Recovery Community Group
Support for those anyone who is or has been in a relationship with a narcissist. Together we are much stronger than any of us would be alone. A place for non-judgemental mutial support, advice, and comfort.
I have two daughters who are ready to go to college and a STB(?)N-ex who IS going to dive me to the loony bin again .... oh, no I admit that it ain't going to be that easy!! I am trying to do the taxes, because the girls' student aid is ... 0, although they both should have qualified for the maximums. He filed his taxes way back, refused to do them "with" me, most likely because of the judgment. SO, the girls (HIS daughters WILL have 0 state aid ... I already checked whether there can be a recapture).
My attorney told me to do a "head of household" filing, but IRS rules state I had to make the payments of rent/mortgage/etc. Though I made payments and had expenses, I couldn't necessarily satisfy that ... so am trying to work my way through an amended return. Just got to the part where I need his W-2, which of course, I don't have that ... I am wading through papers of every shape, sort and variety ... to get assistance with hospital bills ... student loans, college stuff ... divorce ... you name it, I probably have a paper relating to it! I am taking a 10 minute breather ... this is insane, my having to wade through a million and twelve extra steps because of someone who is merely being irresponsible!
Okay,and check this out ... while gathering paperwork for my daughter's hospital bills, I noticed that his name is NOW on her bank account ... I finally mentioned it off-handedly today; she tells me that, since he was on the account "before" the bank recommended she "keep" him on there in case she needs money ... I double and triple checked ... he was only added to her account in the last couple months. He also told her he can't co-sign for a student loan for her, because his credit is so bad. So, what does anyone think about WHY he is now on there and HOW should I handle it? I don't understand why she is lying and with all the crap he is causing, I don't know why she would be interested in protecting his interests. She doesn't act afraid, like if she'd been threatened ... but there has to be "something" in it for her or she believes so, and I know this is going to be sensitive (to deal with). Any suggestions/thoughts welcome ... I am afraid that I will co sign for a loan and HE will get some of the money, so I am checking into parent loans, so that I can control disbursals ... but this is also hurting, because whether I take or co-sign, that is going to affect my debt to income ratio and she should have had the grants ... it's just making a tough situation worse. Am going to request that he be required to maintain life insurance until his portion of debts owed to me/responsibilities to children paid.
My attorney told me to do a "head of household" filing, but IRS rules state I had to make the payments of rent/mortgage/etc. Though I made payments and had expenses, I couldn't necessarily satisfy that ... so am trying to work my way through an amended return. Just got to the part where I need his W-2, which of course, I don't have that ... I am wading through papers of every shape, sort and variety ... to get assistance with hospital bills ... student loans, college stuff ... divorce ... you name it, I probably have a paper relating to it! I am taking a 10 minute breather ... this is insane, my having to wade through a million and twelve extra steps because of someone who is merely being irresponsible!
Okay,and check this out ... while gathering paperwork for my daughter's hospital bills, I noticed that his name is NOW on her bank account ... I finally mentioned it off-handedly today; she tells me that, since he was on the account "before" the bank recommended she "keep" him on there in case she needs money ... I double and triple checked ... he was only added to her account in the last couple months. He also told her he can't co-sign for a student loan for her, because his credit is so bad. So, what does anyone think about WHY he is now on there and HOW should I handle it? I don't understand why she is lying and with all the crap he is causing, I don't know why she would be interested in protecting his interests. She doesn't act afraid, like if she'd been threatened ... but there has to be "something" in it for her or she believes so, and I know this is going to be sensitive (to deal with). Any suggestions/thoughts welcome ... I am afraid that I will co sign for a loan and HE will get some of the money, so I am checking into parent loans, so that I can control disbursals ... but this is also hurting, because whether I take or co-sign, that is going to affect my debt to income ratio and she should have had the grants ... it's just making a tough situation worse. Am going to request that he be required to maintain life insurance until his portion of debts owed to me/responsibilities to children paid.
Big Hugs
How old are your daughters. If they are not at least 24 years old, then yes one of their parents has to supply tax records from the year before. So, if you are applying for them to start in the fail using that parent's tax return for 2011. I assume that is the one that you are trying to amend. Help me to understand. Did he file at all yet? Did he file alone? Or, did he file joint with you? Did you sign the return? If not, you should be able to fine either head-of-household or, failing that due to lack of mortgage/rent payments, file married/filing separate. Have you discussed this situation with the financial aid department at the school that you daughter(s) wants to attend. My husband is a college recruiter at a college that has direct financial aid (straight with the federal gov. without any bank involvement) and there are so many requirements and special circumstances . . . . you should discuss this with the school. I was married when my son needed is first FAFSA (financial loan application) and I was able to file married/filing single and not claim his step-father's income. Also, even now, if a student's parent does not qualify (too much money, etc.) for a Parent Loan on top of the usual loans and grants in the child's name, then the child, because the parent applied and was turned down, then qualifies for additional loans in their own name. It is all very complicated. Nonetheless, if you are unable to complete the FAFSA because you can not complete a proper tax return, then yes your daughters will lose out entirely.
I don't know what kind of games your one daughter is playing, but prehaps it is time that you step back and let her make her own mistakes as hard as that is. You can not be her savior forever. You can advise her, but if she fails to heed that advise, you need to let her go down that path without you. Something is fishy in regard to her relationship with her dad and his involvement in her life. Maybe it is time to love her, kiss her, and wish her well but time to stop trying to protect her. You can not protect someone who will not look out for their own best interests as well. That is harsh advice that, as a fellow mother, is hard for me to even suggest, and much harder for you to implement, but please protect your self. After all, if she doesn' t start standing on her own two feet, you will both go down together.
Whatever you decide to do, just know that we are all here to listen and comfort you. Hugs, friend. Courage.
when I filled out the FAFSA, I went by the directions, it said we were still married (their def) and so I estimated the amounts ... I was assuming since it would be most beneficial, we would file together ... not realizing that apparently, it is "every man for himself". So I actually completed it, but needed a form to be able to upload to them, as they changed the verification requirements ... and I would do the "married, filing separately," but decided to do an amended return, although I will have to probably send the school a copy as I can't upload it from the IRS server, since it can't be filed electonically. If worst comes to worst, I will do the separate one, get the info going to get the Pell grants in order for the moment. I already downloaded the "special circumstance form" but have to do the documentation for it ... I am just so tired of these endless forms (and we claim to be intelligent life! HAH!) ...
Phone got shut off, which is really nice, considering job search ...
I got home Friday evening and found some mail ... papers from attorney about upcoming Court; I was so zonked I fell asleep and woke up to find the dog ate them into small pieces!
And I get what you are saying about "letting her fall on her face and learn", but we are also talking about a guy who has lived off the girls' Social Security for years; the fact being more apparent as, now it has ended, he has no vehicle and can't afford one (other than he drives his mom's) and he has cut off numerous things ... before their money was gone, the cell phone bill was 200+ a month ... plus he has spent up to $10,000 a year gambling, which I didn't know before he filed for the divorce ... the girls have been told I kidnapped them (when I tried to get the protective order in 2003), when he filed for the divorce, that I had no right to be in the house ... they believed it all ... I know their minds are messed up to some degree ... and if I talk with her and then let it go, there is nothing I can do ... but either way, some loans are going to have to be taken, some of which wouldn't have been necessary if he wasn't jerking everyone around for his own benefit ... if he wants to destroy himself, that is one thing, but I don't like being dragged through disaster with little say in the matter ... I have been responsible, been going without and now, this will just add more to my load for the moment. It hurts; it isn't fair ... but WHAT can I do? Other than throw the girls into the mouths of people whom I already know are wolves? Just to "save myself"? Especially since it looks like I'll be going down at some point anyway ...but I will talk with her about the bank account, since I already have with my stepmom, who is also pretty savvy (and she sounds a lot like you, Quepasa). I was just wondering if there COULD be a reason I'm not hitting on that he would be on the account ... and after checking on the loans, it doesn't look as if I'd have control over their dispursal, anyway. Just one of those things that IS going to be hard ... will I just sound like I am "making trouble" or will she "get it" that I am seiously concerned? Hopefully, she will get it ... My stepmother and I decided it would probably be best she get a bank account down there that has no branches around here, if possible, for her college money to go into. So that is what I am going to try to explain to her ... wish me luck!
And at least the state assistant told me to contact him once I get the FAFSA stuff squared away ... I doubt he understands completely how crazy the situation is ... I would not have thought he would do the things he has been doing ... and thought the law would be a bit swifter in acting. Silly me!
Sounds like you are doing everything that you can do. Hopefully, your daughter will be smart enough to make sure that the school gets its money in a timely fashion. i would still be concerned about her dad being on that back account. If your daughter can not give you a reasonable explaination, if I were you I would suggest that she close that account. Even that may not be so easy, as I had an ex-husband keep opening one of my checking accounts . . . one that I had long before I married him, but one that i foolishly added him to. Luckily for me, he did not steal anything, but only used it to qualify for a credit card that he could not have gotten otherwise. Nonetheless, it took me 3 years to actually get the account closed for good. I am sure that you daughter has no idea how entangled her financies might become with those of her dad just because his name is on her account. I am so sorry you have such horrendous, heartbreaking complications. Courage. I hope the school issues work out in time. Hugs.