Narcissist Trauma Survival and Recovery Community Group
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Hi! My divorce is supposed to go to the final hearing in November. I am feeling nervous, as I was totally reamed in the last divorce, but had money to leave with at least. And no debt to speak of. Right now, he owes me over 5k and of course, no payment activity. The last couple weeks have been involved in getting all this financial stuff for college settled; there was supposed to be a hearing on that but somehow, it seems to have been lost in the shuffle, so I need to check back with the atty, I suppose. I had to put a lot of expenses on my credit cards etc as her financial aid is still gummed up for the moment, but he should bear some of the expenses as well.
I know that he is planning to claim bankruptcy and so I intend to ask what I can do to protect myself. I am aware the bankruptcy laws will allow a property settlement to be set aside, although child and spousal support are not allowed to be. I think there are some restrictions, too on getting a judgment met through someone who receives Social Security. He also works, but the bulk of his income is from SS ... and although the atty talked about garnishing his wages to get some of the money he owes me, she merely has it written up as he will owe interest on the amount. Since he may not ever intend to pay me a dime (per his originally expressed sentiments), I'm not sure I like the way she has it set up.
When we went for the provisional hearing, he was ordered to pay bills. He has turned off my cell phone (long ago) and he quit paying the internet provider as well as DSS. The latest was the house phone ... so in the last month or so, I have had to spend close to $150 or thereabouts to up minutes to my phone; the reception out here isn't great and I had given the house number to prospective employers I had applied with (I'm sure getting a "this number has been disconnected or no longer in service" would sound great if any have called!). I already calculated the household bills and against his income, he has more than enough to take care of his responsibilities. I am planning to let atty know about the additional $$ I had to spend for phone, but I can't understand why this isn't a contempt issue ... it is getting under my skin, a bit. If he had said, before the phone was past due that he wouldn't pay it, that would have given me at least an option, but I don't have $300 to pay all the back charges! And I would prefer to have it on.
But I am not sure what else I should maybe be asking about before we go to trial and if any of you have been through that and know of any important points or things you wish you had dealt with, I'd appreciate your sharing. I guess I am most afraid that once the settlement has been decided, he will file bankruptcy and seek to have all or most of it set aside. I am prepared to go and testify, if need be, but I certainly would prefer not to have yet another thing like that to do ... but yes, I am looking at worst case scenarios to try to avoid head-banging later. I am sure any info provided will be a help to others in the process as well, so thank you in advance!! Sometimes this stuff makes my head feel like cotton wool.
I know that he is planning to claim bankruptcy and so I intend to ask what I can do to protect myself. I am aware the bankruptcy laws will allow a property settlement to be set aside, although child and spousal support are not allowed to be. I think there are some restrictions, too on getting a judgment met through someone who receives Social Security. He also works, but the bulk of his income is from SS ... and although the atty talked about garnishing his wages to get some of the money he owes me, she merely has it written up as he will owe interest on the amount. Since he may not ever intend to pay me a dime (per his originally expressed sentiments), I'm not sure I like the way she has it set up.
When we went for the provisional hearing, he was ordered to pay bills. He has turned off my cell phone (long ago) and he quit paying the internet provider as well as DSS. The latest was the house phone ... so in the last month or so, I have had to spend close to $150 or thereabouts to up minutes to my phone; the reception out here isn't great and I had given the house number to prospective employers I had applied with (I'm sure getting a "this number has been disconnected or no longer in service" would sound great if any have called!). I already calculated the household bills and against his income, he has more than enough to take care of his responsibilities. I am planning to let atty know about the additional $$ I had to spend for phone, but I can't understand why this isn't a contempt issue ... it is getting under my skin, a bit. If he had said, before the phone was past due that he wouldn't pay it, that would have given me at least an option, but I don't have $300 to pay all the back charges! And I would prefer to have it on.
But I am not sure what else I should maybe be asking about before we go to trial and if any of you have been through that and know of any important points or things you wish you had dealt with, I'd appreciate your sharing. I guess I am most afraid that once the settlement has been decided, he will file bankruptcy and seek to have all or most of it set aside. I am prepared to go and testify, if need be, but I certainly would prefer not to have yet another thing like that to do ... but yes, I am looking at worst case scenarios to try to avoid head-banging later. I am sure any info provided will be a help to others in the process as well, so thank you in advance!! Sometimes this stuff makes my head feel like cotton wool.
Maybe I will become some type of activist or something, but I don't think I would be attracting many "liberal" dollars (and I don't go for all those labels, just the idea that "you should be able to do anything you want, as long as you are not hurting someone else") and they seem to attract the most funding ... maybe he will buy a lottery ticket and win the jackpot before it's all over (smile) and then, no worries ... haha at least I can dream and still smile, I guess!!
I just know the first time, we went before the judge, stated that we had agreed to joint custody (I had put in my pre-hearing letter that the kids were staying put as I thought that would be less stressful and better for them at least short term) ... when I got my decree, he had been awarded ALL custody ... so yes, I am nervous about my legal naivete and expectation of "fair play" getting me screwed over somehow.
Maybe your attorney could send his attorney a letter threatening a contempt charge. That may shake them up. Also, your attorney can politely mention that if you have to go to court for contempt thence/she will be asking for attorneys fees.
I have a lawyer set up and all he nees is a retainer to get going. But what I think I am going to need is a crazy cut throat guy who will intimidate the hockeysticks out of the N.
I have a lawyer set up and all he nees is a retainer to get going. But what I think I am going to need is a crazy cut throat guy who will intimidate the hockeysticks out of the N.
Quepasa: I have a letter around here, too, from my attorney to his because he made a settlement offer which he rescinded when I accepted it, with a few minor clarifications. I suppose it was an attempt to not only drive up my legal fees but probably, see how set on "fighting" I am? Personally, I'm disgusted and embarrassed to be any part of this three ring disaster. I have concluded that at least to some extent, my attorney doesn't think super highly of me; in other words, when you are part of a high conflict couple, both get tarred to some extent.
Anyway, back to the point ... the letter says something about his making things so much more difficult and drawn out and how it will cause her to have to request a large fee from the Court. I think that sounds like "he pays" BUT I recognize that it ultimately comes from assets that have been squandered away. It will be a relief if I don't end up being in virtual slavery for years BUT it's hard to know what to expect. Our being married before (and I can demonstrate his totally reaming me in the previous divorce, so he can't as he tried, REALLY claim the house as "his" acquired before our marriage, since he only got it through coercion of a disabled person for a sum of $6,000 when there was $25 - 30,000 equity then ... not to mention all else. I raised hell back then, later and not in proper legal form, but with having the emotional disability and no funds for atty, I think.
I am guessing (??) that his attorney must think he will get a "better shake" going to trial/final hearing, although because of uncertainties and vagaries of the Court (which the attorneys apparently know, at least in general). I know my attorney is going for giving my side a better portion because he has so obviously and even blatantly dissipated 10s of thousands. Even when all is said and done, the small concept of collecting anything will be another hurdle. So a lot is nerves ... my attorney is stern with me at times, when she said, "but you are getting free rent" I really thought I WOULD go ballistic. I am going stir crazy and feel like a hostage, acutely aware of the passing and wasting of time and money and how it affect the girls' and my experience of life, at least. That is like calling jail "free rent" and don't forget "free groceries, too"! She sometimes strikes me as air-headed in some respects but sometimes I think (like when I spent an hour in her office and she was putting all of our bills in order, which I think a clerk could have/should have done ... I was acutely aware of being charged $200 or $300 dollars for the time and sort of wanted to blow up) that she is "assessing me" and doing some of that stuff intentionally to see how I handle provocation, etc.I have no idea if I am overanalyzing or giving her more sophistication and savvy than she has ... I just know I hate legal stuff and I hate being involved in it. I did try the legal aid (pro se) place first, but they cover about 4 counties and especially with the economy, it's hard to get accepted. They wouldn't take the case either when he was denying visitation years ago, although I'd get a letter with suggestions of what to do.
I can't blame her necessarily for high costs, it is not my fault nor hers that lunatic guy wants to draw this out and make it a miserable, draining experience on everyone. And yes, over ... even if I were to find out I'd have to sleep in my car, I could at least relax for a bit from the constant tension. I look forward to lying down, hitting my pillow and feeling ALL my muscles relax!
Livelife: either your state does things differently or they have changed laws ... they always change the laws after I get screwed over by them (wry smile). That was another thing he did, back in '98 ... he closed out our joint checking and savings and converted it all to his own individual account ... I never saw another penny of what I had earned from working and saving ... he had the nerve to accuse me of stealing checks (and this was the night he claimed I was going to kill myself!) from him. I was sitting in the ER examining room, a police officer walks in, explains and asks if he can check through my belongings. I was severely nervous that maybe he had planted the checks to get me in trouble, but there weren't any ... his own paranoid fancies got him ... because he reported them lost or stolen, then later he was getting dinged $25 apiece by the bank, not to mention the places he wrote them too ... he had misplaced them and then come across them ... dingbat. And I told him he should have been raising heck with the bank for not notifying him his "lost or stolen" checks were going through the account ... no, they were only charging fees as technically, they would "bounce". Just another lunatic thing the system does ...
Ok I guess the main thing I will need to ask her is about "what to expect" and maybe counter arguments that might be raised. Also how to protect any settlement from a bankruptcy filing (and I guess I can do some researching on that as well). Of course, if he is acting as crazy as he has been maybe he hasn't been paying the mortgage (doubt that, but just hitting it all). I will probably need to find out quickly about securing a judgement by filing a lien on a security item, ie the house and probably, ordering or enforcing a sale or such (he could take a loan from his mother) to get my business over AQAP.
Instead, I have gone to independent lawyers (those not answering to corporate firms) and talked with them and they have volunteered to do some work for me for free out of the kindness of their hearts and because they believed in justice. Even lawyers sometimes have a heart and trully do want to make the world a better place.