it is hard. They are so loving to others arent they? It is all an act. Truth is though they can't love anyone and they can't pretend they do for long. The very fact that he can go to your old haunts says it all. No feelings and no love and respect for you or anyone else.

What i found helped me over that initial haunting thought patterns about my ex was to get very busy living my own life. I made new friends, worked hard, went back to school and did a lot of hiking, snowshoeing, skiing, camping and canoeing. Honestly, I was the one having fun and he was only play acting.

I remember going through my last big break-up several years ago and although he had so mistreated me and really screwed with and screwed up my head all of our mutual friends continued to spend time with him. I didn't ask them not to but it was really hard feeling like I was the only one who understood how horrible he was as he was much too charming for anyone else to see it. Is this at all similar to what you are dealing with and why your loved ones are still spending time with him? I'm just trying to grasp your situation.

You really do have to walk through fire to get through some of those feelings but as impossible as that sounds you can do it you are doing it and I'm sure everyone that reads your posts is proud of you. Time goes slowly when we are in pain but every day that you choose to stand by your decision brings you closer to peace. I agree with Oldandwiser fully too. When you're depressed and/or grieving it may not sound appealing to get out and do new things but take baby steps, do what you can even if you are only going through the motions at first. Eventually you'll begin to enjoy yourself again, now is the time to focus on you and nurture yourself.

So sorry you feel so awful.

I have an N in my family. Not the one I got away from.

Seemed she like to throw parties, all without me. Would invited cousins who were not part of her crowd or age group. They have to win.

They are also very, very cruel.

Anyway, I started doubting my sanity after awhile. Maybe I am the one who is screwed up? Everyone else thinks she is so nice. But, more and more, her true colors shone through and I knew what she was or should I say "It" was. They are aliens in human skin. They are not human.

This may not help at all but I do know that I questioned my sanity and observations, for a few years but I still stayed away and in the end, I KNEW I did the right thing for me. I am stronger and stronger and have an ally in the family who totally understands what this relative is like. She was victimized too.

Mickidee,

Keep venting here. You have to let those feelings out or they will mulitply. You know you are better with out him. While NC is hard, it really is the best way to move on. We are here to support you. Hugs.

Mickidee: I think, truth be told, you want the REAL thing. But I know, it does hurt to be hurting and look around and it seems that everyone else has a wonderful life going on, or at least not the life we are trying to cope with. I used to go behind the store I stocked bread in and cry my eyes out. I couldn't take listening to the receiver talking about her life, her vacation, what her two daughters were doing and it really sucked (to my mind) that the only reason that she had good pay and benefits was from showing up to the same job 22 years ... I could EASILY have done that, if life wouldn't have kept getting in the way!! And sometimes it still hurts to see a wedding, because I never had a "real" one, it's those sparkly dreams that sometimes just HURT, even though I KNOW that I'd much rather have a satisfying marriage that lasts than a "princess day" that doesn't ... like Princess Diana, for example.

Even if you can't afford therapy, check into whether there are any "live" support groups you could go to in your area; some of those can be as good or better than therapy, not to mention you might hear of a referral there. And if you DO go to one and it doesn't "click" and you've made sure it's "not you", try another or join something like a class or a group that gets together for free to discuss books or whatever.Some of those kinds of activities can get your mind going in new directions. A big part of therapy is "changing your perspective"; it can be difficult, but there are self-help things, books with exercises and such, that you can do as well. I ended up "making up" some of my own therapy for a time, either because I wasn't getting too much out of it with the therapist or because I couldn't go. Journaling is good, because even if you are stuck in a rut for a while, something breaks and as you keep going, you have the reminder that things DO change and get better - and you KNOW it's true. The mind tends to forget more than we realize; I think anyone who has journaled long term can attest to that. Plus, when down, the mind tends to only seem to remember things that often reinforce the depressed feelings. There's a lot of good info on how Stockholm syndrome and "state dependent learning" can actually reinforce that vicious cycle.

One suggestion I have is to definitely, do some things that get you with other people. I get in moods where I want nothing to do with others or socializing, BUT, if you can get me out, I have a great time! I hate it, because sometimes, even though I know that, it's still a horrific struggle to get past how I "feel". But, the good thing is if you can get yourself in that mode on a fairly regular basis, you start feeling better as you develop and strengthen new relationships. I just know, too, that the further I move away from him emotionally, the grosser the thought is of having him near me in a physical sense or emotionally ... that's how clear their sickness, pathology, whatever you want to call it, eventually becomes AS YOU GET HEALTHIER. Hugs, and yes do keep venting, get the poison out!