Have you ever just been so frustrated that you can hardly stand it? Somehow, I have the feeling that some or a lot of you might be able to relate to my experience the last however many months ...

I am bogged down in that feeling of having trouble getting motivated because it doesn't make sense to do something if it is going to go nowhere or accomplish anything or even worse, get destroyed. In addition, I have been reading a lot about (state) law, even the laws themselves ... the law is supposed to be there as a guide for those questions that might not be so obvious (how far off the side of the road do I need to build my house, fence, etc) and those that are, but somehow some people never "got it" that most people don't go in for mayhem ... so it is also supposed to be there for protection And that is where it is getting me down ... laws that are fairly clear and straightforward are being violated and yet, technicalities that "aren't addressed" in the law are being held up as defenses. Then, I can go to another state's laws and it is beautifully laid out, in concise English, even addressing common "defenses" (excuses) and stating that those are NOT defenses. I have learned in general, the law must be "comprehensible" in order for it to be used against a person and the standard is the "reasonable person" and how they would see and behave in the situation.

The way I am seeing things is this: marriage is, at very least, a legal contract. I know "no-fault" divorce is now the basis in most states, but it seems that there is too much of this expecting one person to enter into a contract that IS supposed to be long term and then, all of a sudden and for no LOGICAL reason, the other person all of a sudden is DEMANDING that I rearrange my universe to accommodate not only their (new and improved) plans, but their inability to solve their own problems (it's either that they never meant to keep the contract or they don't know how ... why am I penalized for that?).

I KNOW that one of the major reasons I am feeling/behaving differently is like those dogs in Martin Seligman's experiment ... they would be shocked all of a sudden, with no rhyme or reason to it ... it was inescapable. They eventually gave up trying, a phenomenon known as "learned helplessness". I know when I found out my husband a a nurse working in the hospital and providing him care were having an affair, I was shocked, and I even expected the hospital to play CYA to an extent, to avoid liability issues, but I have not been prepared for the attitude of those in the state regulatory and compliance departments (also legislature) to basically validate prohibited activities (although I do understand that without a "willing witness"/victim, they see it as a more difficult prosecution of the law). I see it as saying that anytime a citizen here has a spouse or any relative in the hospital, they are fair game for disturbed individuals (and yes, there are plenty in health care ... the profession even lures them via "opportunity"). Say one of your parents, elderly, are in the hospital and some vampire therapist is involved with their care. Because of charts, this person has access to a GREAT DEAL of information ... financial, social, career, historical, spiritual. Say your parents are well off, but age, being what it is ... they don't feel as good and all of a sudden, they have this well-dressed, always agreeable and interested person in their life. They draw your parent out in conversation, easily picking up where there are tensions and differences ...and use THAT information to be even more agreeable, understanding and compassionate aka "caring". All that person has to do is put a rift into the primary relationship and also, with their knowledge, they are likely to have a good idea of your parent's life expectancy and prognosis, based on history in the chart and the reason they are there. So what's a little marriage when there might be a grand financial payoff in the not too distant future? These things have happened and as long as the health care professional insists "love" who is to prove otherwise?

That is the REASON every health profession (medical, nursing, psychiatric/psychology, respiratory/physical therapy, chiropractic and dentistry and sure, I'm missing some) has prohibitions on having a relationship with a current patient and often, past ... or at least for a period of time, usually 2 or more years after treatment ends. Not only the problem of financial gain, but there might be other gains more difficult to see, plus the individual might be disordered in some way; without the artificial "relationship" introduced by the treatment setting, the people would never have gotten involved out in the world (where the professional might not be acting and looking so wonderful as they might be at work, where people in general often wear a different face, grooming, attitude).

In practice, however, especially if the relationship "looks" consensual, nothing is said or done. I don't know if anyone ever heard of Christ Koulis, MD. He is dead now, but he got involved with a female patient ... who also ended up dead, as a result of injecting drugs (the defense was extremely careful to point out that the active drug ingredient was NOT the cause of death, somehow neatly sidestepping the obvious - to me - FACT that without the active ingredient, it is EXTREMELY unlikely that Ms. Buchanan would have been injecting herself or allowing her doctor boyfriend to do so.). http://nashvillecitypaper.com/content/city-news/plastic-surgeon-s-death-ruled-accident

I watched a documentary type news show and was amazed that not once, was the FACT, that as a patient, the relationship was verboten to begin with ... and the doctor responsible for maintaining the boundaries. Another interesting point, in the story about his death, is that he dies from bronchial pneumonia and opiate intoxication. Opiate based medication (heroin, morphine, hydrocodone, oxycontin etc) shuts down the respiratory center of the brain; the effect is going to depend on dosage, but even oral dosages can lead to breathing being shallower and with a lessened cough response ... most likely a major factor in WHY the doctor had contracted pneumonia.

In another case last year, a nurse named Amber van Brunt lost her license after a sexual relationship with a patient who was going to die in the fairly near future ... he had recently been given 6 months to live. The nurse "broke up" via a text message in which she revealed that she was pregnant with another man's child. The patient attempted suicide and died just months later. Her attorney's response? The lawyer said that relationship was carried out on the nurse's "own personal time" while she was visiting as a friend, not while she was on duty caring for him. The 43 year old man was married and had two children, just as I do. I read that shortly after the "breakup" she discovered messages between the nurse and her husband on the computer. I can't even begin to imagine what she thought ... and the memories she is left with.

It is hard enough to have your universe turned upside down by the possibility of near death (or, in her case, the certainty) ... would it be surprising if you weren't quite as smiley and upbeat as usual? Or maybe not as well-dressed? And probably, most couples have stresses or disagreements of sorts ... no matter how healthy the relationship is. I can only think that if the spouse really loves the patient, it must be one hell of a lot harder to find that you have been (or are) in competition with someone who you have been trusting to and maybe even grateful to ... their presence maybe making it easier to get a bit if rest or make some phone calls dealing with "the business end" of all the events that have taken over your lives.

In my case, I had the "head knowledge" at least, that after a heart attack, it is not uncommon for patients to experience depression; there is research going on to find out what other links exist between the two, as it is such a well-known (common) phenomenon ... or for depression patients to have a cardiac event. I also realized that, being followed fairly closely by a foot wound that could progress to amputation (and that would give a 50/50 chance of death within 3 years), but necessitated scheduling two IV therapy treatments a day (lasting an hour or two each) as well as hyperbaric oxygen therapy treatment, wound debridement as well as PICC line (the IV site) maintenance/dressing changes would be disorienting, an in-your-face reminder of mortality. Ability. Plus a major interruption of "normal life". So anyway, I wasn't surprised that my husband might be flattered and feel good at receiving his nurse's very personal attentions. Not only might there be some reassurance and a welcome distraction to whatever thoughts roiled around in his mind daily otherwise, it might see that there is, after all, a future ... a more and more specific and certain one ... or seemingly, as his nurse talked about how her husband wanted a divorce and how fortunate I was, having him coming home to me at the end of each day ... and later, how they must keep things quiet, but after the DIVORCES were final, they would "pick up where we left off". Talk about eternity and how they would be there ... together. Stressing the more evil parts of her husband's nature ...

I was fortunate, in the sense that, as a nurse, I KNEW for fact when things started falling into place that this indicated a problem(s) in the nurse's psychological nature or possibly, ignorance. There are many people in the health care professions that aren't really clear about boundaries. However, my state nursing Board had recently sent out their quarterly magazine and it featured an article on nurse-patient boundaries. However, in a sense I feel extremely UNfortunate. Even in professional literature, it is hard to find information about what impact these sorts of situations have on the secondary (and maybe, at times, the only victim(s), as the patient believes that this is just good fortune to have met their "true love", especially against these types of odds ... they are at their worst and yet, it didn't matter). I was able to find some information ... essays by a couple of husbands whose wives had been seduced during the course of therapy ... and only later found out ... one husband's words:

"My wife and I have been together for over 25 years. We have raised two exceptional daughters. We started our relationship as friends and have always been best friends. Our marriage was as strong as any marriage could be. We trusted each other completely.

My world, as I had known it, ended when during a marital argument, my wife choked out, “I had an affair for several months seven years ago.” It was as if I was hit by a fast moving truck. The shock was overwhelming, the pain seared through my body ...

I now have an understanding of what happened. I now understand that my wife did not have an “affair,”a very big step. She was groomed, manipulated, and abused by someone in a position of trust and authority. The most insidious part of the abuse was that he got her to believe that it was her fault, that it was her idea, and that it was because of her desires.

She has been consumed with shame and guilt and unable to express her thoughts and feelings over what took place. Thanks to therapy, my love for my wife, and support from TELL, I have been able to move pretty much out of the Anger phase, although I float in and out.

Although my emotions sometime resist the notion that it is possible to groom and manipulate a person into surrendering her body to a medical practitioner, I have come to accept that it can and does happen. I have now entered Phase four, Sadness, which includes depression and loneliness. I am sad because my wife had a secret physical and emotional relationship with another man while married to me. I know...manipulation...but never-the-less, it did occur. I am grieving the loss of trust and innocence."

and another:

"My first reaction was disbelief, then shock. I felt frozen: My emotions were numb. What I was hearing was unbelievable. For a second, I thought I was in a dream.

In tears, my wife had just divulged intimate details of her last therapy sessions. Up to that point I had believed that her two years of therapy had been performed in a typical, normal, honest and ethical fashion by a professional therapist ...

As it turns out, the way he was using this model created this heavy dependence. He convinced her that this was okay, and she convinced me. Weird, but okay. She assured me that things would get better in a few short months and that I would need to just hang on ...

After the numbness had worn off, my next reaction was, “What the hell was he doing holding and touching my wife? Where are the boundaries and the ethical protocol? Isn’t he supposed to be a professional therapist while she is a client?” ...

Shortly after she told me of that last session, in my heart I blamed her. Then later, I blamed myself for not doing anything when I had the chance. But now I have come to realize that it is this therapist who should bear full responsibility. When she was particularly vulnerable and hurting, he groomed and took advantage of her, his client, my precious wife. In doing so, he took advantage of me. I had trusted him with the care of my wife, to faithfully act and perform his vocation in an ethical and “professional” manner. Instead, he betrayed her. And I have been betrayed by him as well."

And finally, from a male:

"Five years ago, I received a letter from the Board of Physical and Occupational Therapy in the state where I live informing me there would be no investigation of the physical therapist who had sexually abused and harassed me, had violated my right to confidentiality, and had failed, on several occasions, to disclose to her employer— the hospital where I was an outpatient—that she used hospital facilities to treat me ...

The psychiatrist who helped me deal with the effects of my abuse stood up and yelled “bullshit” on learning of the Board’s refusal to investigate my abuser. He had described to the Board’s chairman some of the serious consequences I had suffered as a result of the abuse: depression, anxiety, insomnia, and an inability to trust health professionals. He had told the chairman of my credibility and expressed concern about the need to protect other patients from the physical therapist. He was shocked, as were my attorney, my wife, and I, to have the many pages of evidence presented in the complaint dismissed without explanation.

I had, like many victims of professional exploitation, blamed myself. I had done considerable research into and had written about the sexual abuse of children within the Catholic Church. How could I, an adult, not know enough about professional boundary violations to protect myself? ...

Looking back after five years, I understand the role that gender stereotypes and displaced shame played in why I blamed myself for having been exploited, i.e., I am male and powerful; my abuser is female and not powerful. I had been the object of unwanted sexual advances by two female employers several years earlier and had not reported or confronted either experience. “Maybe you are responsible for this,” an inner voice kept saying. “Maybe there is something about you as a man that invites sexual advances and even abuse from professional women.” ...

As a male survivor, I find comfort and healing from knowing that the Hippocratic oath and all professional ethical guidelines uphold the principle of equality when it comes to professional abuse and gender. No one is exempt—male or female—from the moral imperative to “above all, do no harm.”"

As a person who has discovered that my husband has an addiction - gambling - as well as the difficulties his personality traits or disorder have caused, I even understand that her attentions and the thought of her (with a good paycheck) must have seemed like "a way out". I have come to understand that he has kept a lot hidden from me and others, probably from shame. What else is gambling but a dream of being the "big man" (or woman) admired and envied by all, able to buy affection and obedience as well as any material goods one might desire, if not love? Now, however, I will always (possibly) wonder if I was played for a fool (the entire 20 years) or whether, due to the fact that things happened that never should have, his disorder was exacerbated by the increased need for secrecy and possibly, a small sense of decency and normalcy that screamed out, "this isn't right!!!! And you know it!" I know I sometimes believe that his inability to separate (geographically and then, from "requests") from his parents is a big reason our marriage initially failed. Regardless, there would have been problems ... but I (of course) can't help but wonder, if we had been 2000 miles from his parents, wouldn't our history have been different ... and if things had still ended, it would have been only the two of us?

Anyway, I started to actually write about something else and may finish that, in a different thread. But I guess I am "hitting the wall" because of the way things have been stacked up. It's hard to have gone through the health crises (I've some across reports that in some instances, PTSD -or depression, etc - can be a consequence of ICU hospitalization; I worked it and believe it; there are also research reports indicating that or other problems can be a consequence for the family). I remember very well the first night that I came to bed sometime after him ... and I couldn't hear ANY breathing. I kept the information about amputation leading to a 50/50 chance of death within 3 years from him because I didn't think it a helpful topic, especially after months and months of treatment and a surgical graft attempt were having no positive outcome. I worried alone. But when I thought back to things I'd gone through in past, I always had believed that if I HAD called for help, there would have been help. I'm finding it very hard at times to find reasons or motivations, living in a world where one person's manipulation of a patient and the consequences from it, forbidden and with plenty of research backing the negative consequences to patients, whether "consent" is involved or not, to be something that is harder than anything I have encountered. It's "just another divorce". I should "get over it". Most people, professionals included, don't understand that actually, this is a "Never Event" and reportable, just like the abduction of an infant from a hospital unit ... or amputation/surgery of the wrong part of the body ... they see it as the same thing as (as him) walking into a bar, looking for company and me just screaming "sour grapes". I am to the point, though, where I am actually afraid to open my attorney's bills. I know that if my husband hadn't thought that I wasn't ruining his chances of re-marriage, there would be no or lesser impetus for him to drag things out, be vindictive or try to silence my credibility. I find it hard to get motivated as I look around here every day and am hit, over and over, the walls mocking my dream of making a home and showing our children that doing the right things and meeting instead of running from problems and promises pays off. The emotional, legal and financial damages to date are incomprehensible and are worse than I would have imagined. A good faith report turned into a retaliatory protective order ... having the evidence to PROVE the allegations are false, but not even knowing how to go about vindicating myself ... so having to give up rather than get yelled at again - or worse - by a judge who refuses to look at or hear what the truth is. A lawyer who has to be fed due to his fake settlements, mayhem directly related to the problem rather than to our marriage or our divorce. Plus all else ... and of course, being isolated even more in a sense ... the length of this post ... but I am just supposed to stick it all into a nutshell, smile and "recover".

I really just felt like I needed to get this all off my chest ... I remember the dissociative, "not here" feeling when I first found out .... how you have to really pay attention to the here and now to care about it or respond, and how I sort of lived in that state for the first few months ... but I then had hope that things would be resolved differently, that he would at least KNOW from someone else's mouth that this wasn't supposed to happen - my daughters, too and therefore, people would realize I wasn't a "trouble maker" or bitter ... if he made the same decisions, it would at least be with informed consent and our daughters would know I wasn't out trying to destroy another person's life because of "jealousy" (as I was told that if my report to the Attorney General went anywhere, one daughter was prepared, at the time, to testify on her behalf and against me). There is nobody to validate the experience my daughters and I have gone through and continue to slog on in.

And KNOWING, that the "other woman" has a good job, no legal difficulties and a husband who must believe either they have a viable marriage (not knowing his wife continues to cheat, as I am prohibited from talking with him anymore, since I told him about the secret phone and shared the letter his wife wrote) OR it is too expensive, financially, for him to undertake at the moment. Knowing that she is welcomed into my in-laws and former "friends'" homes as if I had died ... it is all a pretty hard pill to swallow, at times. I wish the days could fast forward at times ... it is hard to believe there is any "way out" except for maybe bankruptcy/poverty and lots of loneliness, at least for a time. And even saying what I did about the "other woman", it's not "jealousy", at least I don't think it is ... just that I was doing everything I knew to be right and working on myself and etc. My faith sustains me, some people do too. But if I was writing a book or making predictions, other than a lightning bolt of some fantastic fortune hitting me (I don't play lottery other than maybe a $ a year), I can't see any "happy" endings or even a decent and changed chapter for a while ... and my brakes need changed again ... and I just don't feel, right now, like I give a d*mn.