Narcissist Trauma Survival and Recovery Community Group
Support for those anyone who is or has been in a relationship with a narcissist. Together we are much stronger than any of us would be alone. A place for non-judgemental mutial support, advice, and comfort.
Oh, for days of peace and a REAL life again ...
I woke up today and was more motivated to cover my head and sleep again ... every time I remember "dreams" anymore, they are nightmares ... so I can only wonder how much REAL rest I am getting ...
The last few days a lot of snow melted ... meaning there are cans, glorious cans all along the roadways. I've had to get them out of the trash cans and dumpsters while the snow has had everything covered ... and that is a nasty, smelly and self-conscious proposition. But with the winter so cold (expensive utilities plus "heavy clothing" laundry and ex NOT paying his responsibilities and otherwise making mayhem of the divorce orders, I've been running out of money the last week of the month ... and no word on jobs applied for (yet!), I haven't had much choice. And even though it helps, it takes SO much time ...
I smashed cans the other day. It took so many hours and only 100 pounds ... usually, I've been trying to do it a bit at a time ... much easier. I have to smash them to get a reasonable amount into the car ... would so love to have a pickup truck.
I was short on money the other day and afraid to get gas before checking the bank situation ... and so when I started the car to go get some, it died in the driveway. And even though I was lugging the big 5 gallon gas container, I had walked almost the whole three miles to "town" ... nobody stopped until one man actually (he told me) turned around and asked if I wanted a ride. I didn't think twice about accepting ... and he even returned me to the house :-) I'm really glad, because I found a pair of excellent boots ... leather and waterproof the other week, perched on top of someone's trash ... they are a bit big but don't pinch my feet/toes (I have permanent nerve damage from medications it turns out I DIDN'T need ... thanks to N involvement) ...
... but right before the man helped me, I had gone down into a ditch full of water on the side of the road ... when the snow shelf I was on collapsed. One foot full of ice cold water, then the other foot. Would have been miserable to have had to finish the walk and the return trip that way.
Last week, I got a text from my father's wife. Said he was in the hospital. He had surgery the week before, for some hernia problems. I was expecting it to be related ... worst case scenario, an infection. When I finally got hold of them, I learned he had been suffering from back pain ... had an MRI and was just finished or getting ready for a CAT scan. I was babbling about sending some fish oil, not willing to think. Told my father not to become a "frequent flier" at the hospital.
After our conversation, I couldn't help it ... my brain putting the pieces together, mercilessly. They had found spots on his spine and he'd told me that the bone was deteriorating. I figured he might very well have cancer and likely, metastasized from another spot. I was right.
I haven't seen him for almost 5 years ... the economy has decimated my father's business out in California. I haven't seen ANY of my relatives since 1993, unless they have come out here, at their expense. Even the recent trip my daughters and I took, to see my (ex) step-mom and half brother was their doing. Ex NH has gone to Hawaii, Las Vegas ... took a trip nearly every year to Washington state. He went to Kansas ... to his high school reunion, in California. I'm probably not even remembering all of his trips. I've not had any of that ... before the gas prices rose, I drove to Illinois once a year for family reunion (but five years ago was the last one) and would also drive there occasionally to see my mother ... making the 200+ mile drive back and forth in one day, so I didn't have to spend money on a motel.
I was calculating how far I've walked/run the past several days while the weather has been nice ... miles and miles at least. I don't like leaving the car running or shifting continuously, so I usually find good spots and walk half mile one way and go down the other on return. I was thinking how much work it has been, just to survive these past few years. Realizing that no matter how hard I work (for the moment) it's truly not enough.
The N told me that he would decimate my finances and bankrupt me through divorce. He has ... even though I can't afford to actually file for bankruptcy ... and ironically, most of my debt is because of his past (Court) actions and similar. I'd prefer to pay it off ... I also realize that my crap credit is going to affect things like car insurance rates ... plus, those will be affected by not having home owner's insurance discount soon. Possible that even my chances for getting (some) jobs will be impacted ... anyone with the ability to do a credit check will think I am completely irresponsible!
I'm actually pretty angry (P.O.'d would be more accurate; excuse the language please). I can't just go out to see him ... my daughters told me nearly right away that they were chipping in with their boyfriends and I WAS going. I told them to hold off, for the moment. I was able to have a really long conversation with my father on the phone the other day.
He told me several weeks ago that I need to just jump on a Greyhound bus and get out of here. I told him (and I forget, many times, with the continuing turmoil/destruction) that as soon as my daughters are out of here, I will. I know people on here, too, have suggested I just leave ... and I might have ... BUT my daughters were told after the last divorce that I "deserted" them ... and though the "violence" isn't physical, I've been (and watched my daughters be) terrorized, literally, over the years. Plus, they had grown up seeing "daddy" vanquish mom, time and time again. It made me realize that in THEIR relationships and what their "normal", growing up, was ... that if I didn't stand strong and set an example from what I had learned ... they were likely to suffer similarly at some point. Not only that, but I feared they would continue to be used. He's been getting money from them at times and it sounds like he may have gotten quite a bit from one daughter. He added his name to the other's bank account, after she was legal adult, so that account is joint ... he told her that it's so he can add money, but I was adding money to her account just having the number, when she was away at college. Plus, he calls them and expects them to drive 40 miles to take him to medical treatment, when it interferes with his girlfriend's schedule. Even though THIS is HARD and much harder than I imagined it EVER would be, I know my daughters are able to draw some comparisons ... I talk with them, pretty objectively, about making decisions to "help" him based on whether it interferes with things in their lives that truly take priority ... explain he is adult and adults need to think about consequences when they make decisions. I also didn't "just leave" because I am intelligent ... I DID NOT grow up with anything that resembles their growing up on a regular basis ... and yet, it took me YEARS to "figure it out". Three years ago, I still had HOPE that things MIGHT work out. How long would their lives be put on "permanent" (til he dies) hold? Especially with continuous exposure to lies and so on ... not just from him but his relatives .... I feel like I HAVE accomplished something positive ... though the collateral damage is so great.
So I told my father all this ... it seems almost like a "no-brainer" to me, now. He understands, I think. We are different people ... but I respect and love my father ... I've watched him grow in many ways over the years ... cause he had some rough spots, especially when I was younger. Nothing like I've been married to, though. I did make him promise to be honest with me.
I feel like whether I make the choice ... to go out there or not ... I will probably have reasons to kick myself, later ... either way. Sort of how the whole decision to stay, and insist on some legal rights (completely justified and carried out with a "win-win" perspective; heck I was willing to go at loss as long as with my life ...). And of course, many times, I feel like kicking myself ... until I remember the alternative.
Have you ever seen those "impossible pictures" by MC Esher? If you haven't, I suggest a Google search ... those staircases to nowhere, etc ... especially as it looks like there IS a destination ... is a wonderful graphic illustration of a "relationship" and "life" with N ...
So yeah, I am TIRED. I felt like I didn't even want to move. There doesn't seem to be a point ... I can't get ahead ... BUT without all the resourcefulness and other characteristics I have apparently nurtured (or persevered in) in myself (like the auto mechanicking) I can only wonder how long ago ... I would have completely drowned.
I woke up today and was more motivated to cover my head and sleep again ... every time I remember "dreams" anymore, they are nightmares ... so I can only wonder how much REAL rest I am getting ...
The last few days a lot of snow melted ... meaning there are cans, glorious cans all along the roadways. I've had to get them out of the trash cans and dumpsters while the snow has had everything covered ... and that is a nasty, smelly and self-conscious proposition. But with the winter so cold (expensive utilities plus "heavy clothing" laundry and ex NOT paying his responsibilities and otherwise making mayhem of the divorce orders, I've been running out of money the last week of the month ... and no word on jobs applied for (yet!), I haven't had much choice. And even though it helps, it takes SO much time ...
I smashed cans the other day. It took so many hours and only 100 pounds ... usually, I've been trying to do it a bit at a time ... much easier. I have to smash them to get a reasonable amount into the car ... would so love to have a pickup truck.
I was short on money the other day and afraid to get gas before checking the bank situation ... and so when I started the car to go get some, it died in the driveway. And even though I was lugging the big 5 gallon gas container, I had walked almost the whole three miles to "town" ... nobody stopped until one man actually (he told me) turned around and asked if I wanted a ride. I didn't think twice about accepting ... and he even returned me to the house :-) I'm really glad, because I found a pair of excellent boots ... leather and waterproof the other week, perched on top of someone's trash ... they are a bit big but don't pinch my feet/toes (I have permanent nerve damage from medications it turns out I DIDN'T need ... thanks to N involvement) ...
... but right before the man helped me, I had gone down into a ditch full of water on the side of the road ... when the snow shelf I was on collapsed. One foot full of ice cold water, then the other foot. Would have been miserable to have had to finish the walk and the return trip that way.
Last week, I got a text from my father's wife. Said he was in the hospital. He had surgery the week before, for some hernia problems. I was expecting it to be related ... worst case scenario, an infection. When I finally got hold of them, I learned he had been suffering from back pain ... had an MRI and was just finished or getting ready for a CAT scan. I was babbling about sending some fish oil, not willing to think. Told my father not to become a "frequent flier" at the hospital.
After our conversation, I couldn't help it ... my brain putting the pieces together, mercilessly. They had found spots on his spine and he'd told me that the bone was deteriorating. I figured he might very well have cancer and likely, metastasized from another spot. I was right.
I haven't seen him for almost 5 years ... the economy has decimated my father's business out in California. I haven't seen ANY of my relatives since 1993, unless they have come out here, at their expense. Even the recent trip my daughters and I took, to see my (ex) step-mom and half brother was their doing. Ex NH has gone to Hawaii, Las Vegas ... took a trip nearly every year to Washington state. He went to Kansas ... to his high school reunion, in California. I'm probably not even remembering all of his trips. I've not had any of that ... before the gas prices rose, I drove to Illinois once a year for family reunion (but five years ago was the last one) and would also drive there occasionally to see my mother ... making the 200+ mile drive back and forth in one day, so I didn't have to spend money on a motel.
I was calculating how far I've walked/run the past several days while the weather has been nice ... miles and miles at least. I don't like leaving the car running or shifting continuously, so I usually find good spots and walk half mile one way and go down the other on return. I was thinking how much work it has been, just to survive these past few years. Realizing that no matter how hard I work (for the moment) it's truly not enough.
The N told me that he would decimate my finances and bankrupt me through divorce. He has ... even though I can't afford to actually file for bankruptcy ... and ironically, most of my debt is because of his past (Court) actions and similar. I'd prefer to pay it off ... I also realize that my crap credit is going to affect things like car insurance rates ... plus, those will be affected by not having home owner's insurance discount soon. Possible that even my chances for getting (some) jobs will be impacted ... anyone with the ability to do a credit check will think I am completely irresponsible!
I'm actually pretty angry (P.O.'d would be more accurate; excuse the language please). I can't just go out to see him ... my daughters told me nearly right away that they were chipping in with their boyfriends and I WAS going. I told them to hold off, for the moment. I was able to have a really long conversation with my father on the phone the other day.
He told me several weeks ago that I need to just jump on a Greyhound bus and get out of here. I told him (and I forget, many times, with the continuing turmoil/destruction) that as soon as my daughters are out of here, I will. I know people on here, too, have suggested I just leave ... and I might have ... BUT my daughters were told after the last divorce that I "deserted" them ... and though the "violence" isn't physical, I've been (and watched my daughters be) terrorized, literally, over the years. Plus, they had grown up seeing "daddy" vanquish mom, time and time again. It made me realize that in THEIR relationships and what their "normal", growing up, was ... that if I didn't stand strong and set an example from what I had learned ... they were likely to suffer similarly at some point. Not only that, but I feared they would continue to be used. He's been getting money from them at times and it sounds like he may have gotten quite a bit from one daughter. He added his name to the other's bank account, after she was legal adult, so that account is joint ... he told her that it's so he can add money, but I was adding money to her account just having the number, when she was away at college. Plus, he calls them and expects them to drive 40 miles to take him to medical treatment, when it interferes with his girlfriend's schedule. Even though THIS is HARD and much harder than I imagined it EVER would be, I know my daughters are able to draw some comparisons ... I talk with them, pretty objectively, about making decisions to "help" him based on whether it interferes with things in their lives that truly take priority ... explain he is adult and adults need to think about consequences when they make decisions. I also didn't "just leave" because I am intelligent ... I DID NOT grow up with anything that resembles their growing up on a regular basis ... and yet, it took me YEARS to "figure it out". Three years ago, I still had HOPE that things MIGHT work out. How long would their lives be put on "permanent" (til he dies) hold? Especially with continuous exposure to lies and so on ... not just from him but his relatives .... I feel like I HAVE accomplished something positive ... though the collateral damage is so great.
So I told my father all this ... it seems almost like a "no-brainer" to me, now. He understands, I think. We are different people ... but I respect and love my father ... I've watched him grow in many ways over the years ... cause he had some rough spots, especially when I was younger. Nothing like I've been married to, though. I did make him promise to be honest with me.
I feel like whether I make the choice ... to go out there or not ... I will probably have reasons to kick myself, later ... either way. Sort of how the whole decision to stay, and insist on some legal rights (completely justified and carried out with a "win-win" perspective; heck I was willing to go at loss as long as with my life ...). And of course, many times, I feel like kicking myself ... until I remember the alternative.
Have you ever seen those "impossible pictures" by MC Esher? If you haven't, I suggest a Google search ... those staircases to nowhere, etc ... especially as it looks like there IS a destination ... is a wonderful graphic illustration of a "relationship" and "life" with N ...
So yeah, I am TIRED. I felt like I didn't even want to move. There doesn't seem to be a point ... I can't get ahead ... BUT without all the resourcefulness and other characteristics I have apparently nurtured (or persevered in) in myself (like the auto mechanicking) I can only wonder how long ago ... I would have completely drowned.
Once again, I find myself just wishing this would all be over for you . . . you can only fight so long and so hard . . . and you have certainly proved to your daughters that you have tried and endured far too much.
Do what you think is best . . . as far as leaving . . . and as far as going to see your Dad. Do not second guess either decision. No one walks in your shoes but you. Either decision on either question is a personal one that, in the end, only you can make. I just wish for you peace of mind, peace of body, and peace of spirit. A ton of hugs coming your way. I wish it could be more. Your friend, Jenny
... and worse than the first time ... because I still had (ultimate) faith in "the system", authorities and laws, overall. I really don't, anymore ... just some people ... sprinkled here and there ...
I wonder whether it would be possible to move in with or stay with your father for a while, and help you both. But I don't know what your relationship to him is. Just a thought.
In therapy (as well as my own mind, I have been coming to the conclusion that there is "worse than" just N at work. I was driving around, somewhat close to home, yesterday, collecting cans. Something hit me like a bolt out of the blue. I have two older half sisters, from my father's first marriage. I have spoken to the oldest (6 years older than me) for some hours on the phone, after exchanging messages a while on FB. My father apparently got hit by a major career event ... something he was working on should have been worth a lot of money ... and he was "screwed over" in some way. Apparently, he sort of "lost it" and took up with my mother at that time.
My sister remembers his leaving ... weird thing is ... at the same age as she was, I lost my mom. BUT, in the case of my father's first wife and children, my father's parents made sure they were alright (living close, as they were). NOTHING like this situation, where he takes off and it's like "I'm dead to his relatives". It made me think of Livelife, too ... how she has mentioned her ex's (adoptive) parents making sure they are alright ... decency. So that hit me ... again, for my family's screwups and dysfunctionalities, there has been decency to balance out. Apologies ... trying harder, making changes, making effort.
I can also remember that when I was young, I found a gift hidden in the closet for my oldest sister. My father had written a short note in it ... a graduation gift for her. It was never sent, but I told her about it during one of our messaging or telephone conversations. Though my father obviously "screwed up" then, it was obvious to me that he had cared. And thought about his daughters over the years (their mother remarried and though my sisters spent time with our grandparents and aunt over the years, our paths never crossed ... they were never made known to me by my relatives ... or my father. I found adoption papers hidden when I was a child that told me I had sisters. Following the family lead, I never spoke of my discovery, then).
My daughter (youngest) said I can stay with her for a bit, if need be. My father is 2000 miles away and married ... any situation will be awkward! What bothers me the most is just the reams of evidence that has surfaced, particularly since the divorce hearing ... of fraud ... of collusion, on my mother-in-law's part. Of the fact that SOMEONE IN THE SYSTEM circumvented my attempt to get a protective order in 2003; that his attorney WAS UNETHICAL, in threatening criminal prosecution of me, with no legal basis, when I was attempting to exercise my property/parental rights. Even in this past action, when he was prosecuted for "invasion of privacy", the Prosecutor's office claimed they "didn't have" a copy of the protective order (their office is 50 feet from the Court clerk/Records and they claimed it "was expired". The info was also available on-line, as I knew myself. So there is something weird, or wrong, in the "system" and I am not really sure WHY I have been treated/continued to be treated the way I have been.
And BTW, it has been my father who has inspired me, in many ways, to be as persistent and resourceful as I've been able to be ... I watched him change the car brakes when I was about 16, on a Saturday during the time we were at the homeless shelter. I watched him pound the pavement day after day, looking for work, til he found it ... working 12 hour days and working his way from production to management ... and finally, opening his own business again. He taught himself to be a photographer, reading books from the library, when I was 5 or 6 ... built darkrooms in the basement of our house ... and opened his first business. I told him the other night I don't know how he handled it all ... I'm only scratching surfaces here.
When push has come to shove, my father HAS been there for me ... when my car was stolen from a busy street in L.A. (and insurance was yanking me around) and my father was struggling financially too, he bought me a "beater Celica" from one of his employees and parked it at my apartment ... for Christmas.
The comparison between things like that and the ex makes me "know the difference". The ex has only lip service ... too little and too late. Nothing comes to light that proves differently ... and nothing that has happened ... should have.
Other than his sporadic texts and the fact that I am still a "legally regulated hostage" reminds me of him ... anymore. And from having been raped (and discovering the weird, scary letter I wrote myself, from the point of view of the rapist), my theory is that someone with traits or ASPD WANTS to leave their mark, burned into each and every victim (and maybe others as well ... the way some like "media attention") forevermore. I don't intend to give that satisfaction ... and anything he "could give" he should already have done, having only stolen it from me ... or our daughters ... no matter whether the "law" sees it as merely "civil" it's a tort ... and he IS in the wrong.