A lot of people here have been very encouraging and people have told me they admire my determination or tenacity. I was sort of thinking about it (especially in light of all the good it doesn't "seem" to have done) but I think one thing that has been a motivating factor (for me) is the "what if" thing.

I'm really sort of shy and have usually had much better results advocating on others' behalves. At times,. though I have stuck to my guns and succeeded in being heard on my own behalf. I'm always thinking about that guy, Walter Mitty, I think it is, that was always having all these fantastic adventures and successes - in his head. And of course, I have kicked myself after the fact and wished I would have said or done the brilliant thing that came into my mind later.

I do have a "sort of" scientific mind, at least so I like to try things as experiments. Sometimes when I am nervous, I just sort of convince myself I'm doing an experiment to see what happens. Sometimes that helps (especially cause I've felt like an experiment when I've just been going with the crazy flow instead of trying to take action). I think the stupidest experiment I ever did was dropping a penny over a balcony, hitting a bald man on the head, floors below. I don't do stupid stuff like that anymore (I plead adolescence).

I read something several times in the past, and it makes sense. What is the best way to get successfully through a disaster, etc? PRACTICE ahead of time. That is the reason we always had to do those fire and other drills in school, math and all else. So that we would "be prepared" when the time came. There's a lot of stuff that is hard to anticipate and it would be impossible to practice everything. But I realized that I run across decent people as well as indecent and if I'm stuck with the indecent for a while, get my nerve up and act, speak, make decisions and stick to things, it gets easier. Maybe never "easy" but "easier". And practicing with the indecent makes dealing with decent people a pleasure.

And even with the N, I didn't just deal with what he gave out or react emotionally or whatever. I thought about stuff and brought it out to him: reconciliation and all else. My willingness to be supportive, if he came to his sense. Do I feel like a fool, for having laid that out there and him probably laughing in his sleeve? No, because "what if" he had just had say, bipolar disorder or TRAITS that could be overcome, if he had the security of someone caring despite "the ugliness".

I'm probably not explaining what's going through my head very well, but maybe you know what I mean?

It just reminds me of the time I applied for a position I didn't even expect to get ... and I got it! I actually only applied and interviewed to get the practice doing so, because it was the type of job I believed I'd like to have in future.

It doesn't always come out the way I hope, but if I didn't try, I guess the success rate would be lower than it is? And a failure isn't always a failure, it can be a stepping stone. I've sort of hated spending the money on legal fees, etc. but I now have a pretty first hand look at many issues: professionals who overstep boundaries, problem gambling, affairs (the not normal type), divorce and people playing the system in a parasitic way. Being poor or at least hard up. Over the past year or so, I've been contacting tons of people from lawmakers and their assistants to advocacy groups, churches and all kinds of people in media, business and etc. So maybe I can take this "failure" too and use it to make a dent in bad policies that exist ... persisting and thinking.

One of the things that my (ex, I think) attorney said to me the other day was "the system's not set up for ..." and I did jump on that. It seems to me that anyone with a doctoral level education who believes that people are set up to serve systems is NOT thinking about things properly. Did it do any good to say something back? Seems doubtful. But I think to myself, you never know. I think the other thing that REALLY bothered me was her insistence that bankruptcy would be a "fresh start" and there "isn't any stigma" anymore. What the hey? Does a person's word have any worth anymore? Is there any reason to honor a commitment? She said "The only way I see to vastly improve your financial situation is to file bankruptcy." I replied that I am not trying to "vastly improve" my financial situation, I am merely aggravated that I have to keep waiting on funds to fix my car so that I can get another job I can get to reliably ... which would OBVIOUSLY improve my ability to honor the commitments I already have, which SHOULD mean something. And honestly, I'm not thrilled about paying debts, a lot of them foisted on me, but I do read the little thing that flashes on the screen when I sign something I pay with my credit card .... "I agree to..." So even though I am scared nearly to death, I guess I am going to find out "what if" I do what I, personally, can to honor my word and commitment, even if I go down in sad flames, in the end? WHAT IF something happens a little down the road but I already gave in to the easy way?

So anyway, I am probably rambling a great deal but going forward with enough to keep me interested and (haha on the edge of my seat) busy ... but 20 years from now, this will be the past and I will be the product of not only what I dared, but of what I believed, belief to the point of more than mere lip service.