Ok, so I have been reading articles and thinking about "people in my life" are supposed to come along and help me heal the sore spots. So I have been thinking about this whole situation from about 2 weeks ago.

But let me back up, first. I mentioned the pastor was coming over and helping with the car occasionally, I'm sure. Last summer or fall he came over and mowed most of the lawn (we are on an acre) because NH wasn't doing it. I was going around with the hand mower to do the spots the big mowers can't and also, because I don't like being "beholden" to men. So a while back, he also gave me a little money to get another tire or something. That was only "strange" because he asked me not to say anything. So I really didn't like that, went to therapy and talked that over. My take is when secrets are being formed, trouble lies ahead. I took my car over to his farm because he has a shop with air tools and he wanted to rotate the tires so they would last longer. I went in after and sat with him and his wife and visited a while, felt somewhat better after that.

So, the other week he came over and asked whether everything was alright; he'd seen lots of cars in the driveway the day before. Probably my daughters friends, I said. Then, before he left (thankfully, we were standing in front of the garage) he said he wanted a hug. "Oh, crap!" is about what went through my head and I tried to collect my thoughts. You know, I know I was "spacing out" (dissociating) some during the whole of the conversation that followed, because I really don't remember it clearly. I thought, I felt like I handled it pretty well, overall but I still feel really awkward and weird to even bring it up and I haven't got a clue why that is?

Mostly, I told him something along the lines about not wanting to get involved in something that would just end up being destructive and couldn't be "undone". He was saying stuff about how much he had enjoyed mowing with me and fixing the car and something about my femininity ... I wanted to run, at that. I really have had no interest in dating, much less having affairs and messing up other people's lives. Most of the time I've been looking scraggly, anyway with messing with the car and etc.

Anyway, I knew I wasn't mistaking the "intentions" because a friendly hug wouldn't have led to a discussion of my femininity OR his saying something about he wasn't getting divorced b/c of financial considerations. He said something about being "bored". I know his wife works and so I guess he doesn't have a lot to do in the afternoons. I told him that that (the boring part) is part of life and needs to be accepted as such; alternatively, find something to do (not that!). Personally, I find the "boring part" is good time for reflecting, remembering people and other times and dreaming a bit. I rarely get bored though, because I have too many interests and not enough (leisure) time.

On the following Sunday afternoon, he stopped over to tell me there was no evening service. I thought it was sort of "interesting" that there was no apology or statement like, "oh, that shouldn't have happened." He said he hoped he didn't freak me out the other day or words to that effect.

So I am thinking this all over from the aspect of it being a "necessary" thing to have happened; like I said, I felt (other than not being completely "present") that I handled it fine and didn't get all flustered, like I would in olden days. Just sort of matter of fact and sure of my answers. And I don't know that EVERYONE is in that "helping me heal" mode or how much I do believe that, even but I couldn't help but wonder WHY I would have THIS situation ... why would I even be remotely interested in doing to another wife what was done to me? So, even the whole scenario just came across as strange?

And at times, I feel extremely naive. I know a lot of you have commented on being cheated on, sometimes it seems a lot of people must be doing that ... it hardly raises an eyebrow anymore, and so many so-called "Christians" were saying NH should be happy, but they didn't seem too concerned about the spouses or children ...

I guess it sort of threw me when he mentioned the mowing LAST YEAR ... I had asked him to speak with NH many times (I do take my faith seriously, but many churches and people seem to have a dead god and impotent Holy Spirit, so I'm not really surprised that nothing happens) and it sort of bothered me to think he might have been thinking of "fun" when one of the members needed attention; if the thought of "fun" overrode duty, there'd be nothing in that to attract me, anyway, so either way it was a "no" proposition to me.

And I guess I say nothing to his wife, that her husband "came on" to me. What a yucky situation.