I have not followed this case. I do u.understand both sides. The school has to safeguard the other children. Not fair to her and d her kids but that is the harsh reality. Especially relevant in light of all the school violence. How would they ever answer to pArents if he did come in guns blazing??

In the 80s I worked with a woman whose husband came to the office and threatened to kill her. The company kept her on a nd even hired security. but none of us felt safe. It was scary. Real scary. After about two weeks she quit a d moved out of town. In today's circumstances that company could not have taken that risk. Oh, he did troll the street at closing time and stare at all of us after she disappeared. Hope he never found her.

I guess that is what bothers me. I understand the "both sides" thing, but I also think (feel) that when people are left to basically, deal with it on their own, it not only spreads the behavior (because other minds see, "hey, it works") and the victim is more likely to go back ... and I think that can be with N, though not all of them are violent, some are or are in ways that are not physical.

I say that because of my own breakdown, when I found good therapy and built up some defenses, he was not able to terrorize me as he had; when I had support, although paid support, he also could not use the same tactics. I think the "terror" thing gets overblown and if those outside are believing (and then, controlled by) myths, it just gives the pathological personality more to work with. SOMETHING has obviously changed ... I saw a program the other week ... there never WAS a school shooting until 1979 ... I remember growing up under the fear the Soviets were going to bomb us at any time ... never happened ... and there is a lot of the use of fear in politics and life now (my opinion). Sometimes, it seems to me that life is just not worth living if it is that bad that we are controlled by monsters that may or may not lurk.

Guess I might not feel so strongly, but I was stalked in CA in the late 80s and moved, twice ... we moved here to IN and sometimes, I would have the thought of opening to a knock at the door and finding the stalker there. "crazy" but frightening. And yet, that is a fear that has never materialized.

If the "system" was actually better equipped to help those who are being victimized, whether through threatened or a real potential for violence, I guess I would not have said anything. But watching my own life and accomplishments "torn away" while someone commits financial and psychological violence, I can't help but think there are better ways. Sometimes, I really don't think death is as bad as being tortured ... and that, sadly, is what I feel I have been going through ... as I recognize the last three years have had nothing to DO with "getting a divorce"; it has all been a war against one person to get what one person wants ... if I can figure some of this out, it shouldn't be too hard for the "experts and authorities". So I can only conclude that they DON'T care about some lives ... we devote so much to foreign terrorists while there is plenty, unaddressed, affecting (mostly) women and children right here, right now.

I also have not been following. My concern is now the precedent has been set. How manykids are now going to be denyed access to school because of a chance of violence or restraining order. W ill single parents not be allowed to school events because of violent ex partners. How far will this be taken.

By isolating the victims we are actually putting them in more harm.

If you have watched Harry potter there is a scene in one of the movies where Harry has been isolating himself from every one as he is seeing and feeling voldermort s thoughts and is sure that he is being used. Any way, the very insightful Luna says something to the effect that by isolating himself he is allowing himself to be more vulnerable to evil as by himself he is week but with friends he is stronger.

Isolating these people is allowing the violence to continue as people will be afraid to speak out in fear of losing jobs friend colleagues who should be support for us all.

I had a child in my day care who had a restraining order from his dad. We did d r ills, as schools do now. Made a plan. In most cases nothing happens. I guess this is just another case of save your as s. No matter the reality or statistics.

Thank you, Livelife. I need to look for stats (except I have so many other things to do, too). But I am SURE the threats WAY outnumber the actual incidents of violence. I'd like to see, too, where any violence has escalated and whether any changes in laws, or other things were happening.

By the way, too, you hit one VERY IMPORTANT NAIL on the head, sure and square. What little I have been learning from Law IS, though there is "Constitutional law", "legislative law", "case" and "common" law are basically what we go by here in the U.S. I think Louisiana TRULY has "civil" law and there may be a couple other states ... so while there are differences, state to state, in the way laws are worded, etc, many (for publication) state cases can be used in other states, particularly if they set precedent. Since this incident involved "risk management", you can be sure some people with legal knowledge were involved in how it was handled ... HR always has law as a guide, whether it is used rightly or not.

I hate to say it, but since this happened at a Catholic school, many people commented/wondered why priests could be moved around and found new jobs, but not a woman with an abusive husband. Like maybe an administrative position, away from students.

I remember back when ... I realized that the locks and two way speakers were actually on the doors of schools to prevent non-custodial parents coming in and taking their kids ... since I was one, guess it hit home pretty hard ...

Don't know the details of this case, but what should (morally) happen is that if the husband is that scary, then the wife should get full custody and be able to move and keep secret her new location. I have heard there is also a way to change your name and/or SSN if you are a target of DV.

I heard about a real-life case somewhat similar in that the husband stalked the wife at work, despite a RO. Her employer worked with her to help, moving her to another location they did not tell him about. But in the end he shot her to death. So, her and the employer's concerns were valid. It just did not happen at work.

Clearly it is not fair to the wife and kids to not be able to go to school, work, or support the family. I hope they'll at least let her move away, or move in with family. That would be a restricted life -- until he maybe offends enough to get thrown in jail.

Yes, I think there is a way to change SSN, like you said and keep address, etc confidential. Sadly, from what I have read and researched, bringing up DV in a divorce/custody case is likelier to result in the abuser getting custody, UNLESS criminal charges have been filed/convictions obtained prior to divorce ... I was an advocate for a few years and also went through the system a bit, and that type of necessary info, isn't being given out. It should be ... I was in a daze from all I went through.

I just read about a case where some person went in and killed some people where his wife USED to work ... so what did it matter that they got rid of her? That's the thing ... the person is clearly abnormal, just that the person they fixate on (and others associated with, but less likely, usually) gets punished. I just wish all the disciplines ... employers, mental health, legal, etc would pool some intelligence, calm public misconceptions and develop new and better ways to help without anyone being overly penalized. Except for the person causing the ruckus!

We should have laws requiring abusive spouses to relocate!

Until domestic abuse is taken as seriously as it should be there are going to be horrible stories about these men doing heinous acts. We had a case here in Maryland where the wife was begging the court not to allow her husband to have their four kids alone. They denied her request. He took them to a hotel room and killed all of them just to get back at her. She had evidence of his mental instability and his abuse of her . . . but the court relied on the fact that he had never abused the kids. It isn't the first case here where the children were killed by an abusive husband because he couldn't get to the wife. It's disgusting.

It's horrible this woman lost her job . . . seems they could've just transferred her to another school and buried the records of where her new assignment is so he couldn't find her. Now they have deprived her of the resources she needs to protect herself and her kids. She really should sue them for that.