Narcissist Trauma Survival and Recovery Community Group
Support for those anyone who is or has been in a relationship with a narcissist. Together we are much stronger than any of us would be alone. A place for non-judgemental mutial support, advice, and comfort.
Ok, other than the fact I can't FIND anything I need ...
Something good happened! I have a different car. The last few days, I have been EXHAUSTED. I did not (even though, yes I did know!!) know how limp I was going to feel after having one of my major stressors removed ... but I have felt limp, for several days ... the pastor called me the other week and then told me about it. Needed to think it through, because I was oddly comforted by "knowing" my car ... I had fears at first, of the same thing happening ... it sitting in the drive, inoperable. But I just changed my daughter's brakes, despite not being able to get a bolt off ... so I guess I can handle more than I know (and despite her only wanting "professional" attention to her car, she was pleased to not be grinding rotors anymore!)
The car I now have is a bit older and several more miles on it, but is a higher end, later in the generation Lumina with only 60k on the engine itself. I picked it up at a mechanic's ... and he has known the history and owners of the car since it was WAY newer!!. The only thing I had to do was turn over the old one ... and I am still looking for my title ... but what a relief!
So, hoping to get another job here quickly and start getting things under control, slowly. And old ex N .... filed with the Court the other week ...
"I am seeking to have my ex-wife removed from my home located at XXXXXX. I am also seeking past rent and compensation for damages to the residence. We have been divorced since 11-20-12. There was a protective order in place until 6-14-12." Signed, dated 6-25-12
No action on that. I did get a chance to speak with an attorney, who calmed me and gave me some ideas other than those I have already, so ... more work. But, as I figure ... it may pay off at some point ... not necessarily in $$, but sometimes $$ aren't the most important thing.
Something good happened! I have a different car. The last few days, I have been EXHAUSTED. I did not (even though, yes I did know!!) know how limp I was going to feel after having one of my major stressors removed ... but I have felt limp, for several days ... the pastor called me the other week and then told me about it. Needed to think it through, because I was oddly comforted by "knowing" my car ... I had fears at first, of the same thing happening ... it sitting in the drive, inoperable. But I just changed my daughter's brakes, despite not being able to get a bolt off ... so I guess I can handle more than I know (and despite her only wanting "professional" attention to her car, she was pleased to not be grinding rotors anymore!)
The car I now have is a bit older and several more miles on it, but is a higher end, later in the generation Lumina with only 60k on the engine itself. I picked it up at a mechanic's ... and he has known the history and owners of the car since it was WAY newer!!. The only thing I had to do was turn over the old one ... and I am still looking for my title ... but what a relief!
So, hoping to get another job here quickly and start getting things under control, slowly. And old ex N .... filed with the Court the other week ...
"I am seeking to have my ex-wife removed from my home located at XXXXXX. I am also seeking past rent and compensation for damages to the residence. We have been divorced since 11-20-12. There was a protective order in place until 6-14-12." Signed, dated 6-25-12
No action on that. I did get a chance to speak with an attorney, who calmed me and gave me some ideas other than those I have already, so ... more work. But, as I figure ... it may pay off at some point ... not necessarily in $$, but sometimes $$ aren't the most important thing.
I also hope the luck continues.
Honestly, I'd say that I was poised in this divorce FOR the losses that occurred. The children being on the brink of adulthood negated child support issues for the most part ... and the fact is, the past didn't push them on into independent adulthood the way mine did ... I was self-supporting and living on my own at 18; didn't have a car then, even ... or even any furniture, but a little at a time, I'd buy potholders and spoons and so on.
I know several people have suggested I "cut my losses" and move out and on. I have thought about that, from every angle I can. What is "weird" is that, the day before he took off with this married woman, I WAS set to go look for an apartment, but was pretty sad about it, because I knew my daughters would not come with me. I was fed up at the time ... he was raging, more intensely than he ever had ... once, he threw my purse into the washer to prevent my going to the hospital (or anywhere, as my car keys were in there). I was looking all over the house, not sure if I had mislaid it or ... and he was getting the girls and I at each others' throats. Had I left, his manipulations (and I didn't know that's what was going on) would have succeeded. And the previous two divorce actions, they did. The first causing the breakdown and the second, causing me to leave with very little and legally, unprotected from his further onslaughts.
So, hard as it is, I have decided to stick to what is "mine". It helped to speak with the attorney, who put things into a form I could understand and also, calmed the fears that pop up before my own good sense can get hold of me. I've learned a lot, but I doubt I would "believe" if I hadn't gone through it and experienced it for myself. It blows my mind how many other people have experienced "hell in Family Court", too. And no matter what, I know that if it messes with my own motivation, concentration, memory and etc., it STILL does that to my daughters, who I know are "adults" but are still somewhat trapped in the pathology of past and present, though the directness of the assaults and power have changed.
I just don't think running away at this late time would be best. I think that, "win or lose", I have shown them, that their father is not "all powerful". I used to see a change come over them when he would give them what I considered a "reminder" look. Never got "what" it was exactly, but got the sense it was a "warning"? Maybe someone can fill me in? Like, "don't talk or else" kind of thing.
If I lose (money or credit), that is something that can, at least, be recouped. I'm sure my health WILL improve as the direct stresses abate. But no matter how much he causes me to "lose", due to malicious activity, that doesn't make me a "loser". I will take some credit for the positive changes I have seen in them, and I think holding my ground, knowing that they (and I) have been forced to "give in" in past, because he held the "power" (control) was their way of staying safe. Had I not had the previous losses, I doubt this would have gotten so bad ... so, I guess I am hoping that keeping communication open and not allowing myself to be run off will help keep them, in the long run, from ever getting to the point I did. One sure way of the N revealing more and more, his lack of control and etc IS refusing to give in and give up ...
So I AM extremely grateful, to those who stepped in to help, with the car. It has been a major stressor, despite the successes I've had in repairing things. Life would "suck" a lot less if I wasn't in the middle of nowhere and basically "trapped" by lack of transportation. I'm tired a lot. But I recognize a lot of what is going on, and like my daughter, know it isn't weakness or pathology in me ... so I will reserve my strength for what matters, work on getting back to some positives and hopefully, some of that good will grow from this and recharge me even more.
I knw what you are saying. about what you were prepared to do, but what you need to do for yourself now.
If N were smart enough to go through the divorce process over a year ago when I asked to do it instead of taking the opportunity to drag me farther down I would have gladly given up mush of what I deserve just to get him out of my hair. Now, however, I find that he is telling people that I have been dragging this on for 3 years. His mom said three and the kids said three. Funny thing is it was just 2 years ago he was begging to come back ( and I let him) as he was a changed man and he needed his family. What he needed was a quick escape from where he was being evicted from. and some new supply, as the girl he was with decided her dreams were as important as his.
I have given everyone the correct timeline, even to the fact that even though he is living with GF in a new house his mail still comes here How hard to get a change of address done.. It is right on the internet...
So, yes, now I have a lawyer and will drag it out. and I will fight for my share.
and the kids are learning that to get anything from him he needs great praise. As, the oldest needed to go to a week of summer camp that I could not afford. I suggested to N that he may want to cover it for her, as I have already pd for the three to attend one week, travel costs, activity fees... and he did. So, I tell daughter to make sure she says thanks. She laughs and says she knows and will make a huge deal of it. As this is the only way to guarantee cooperation i the future. Sometimes I wish I would get lavish praise for doing the right thing.
It sounds like you are really smart, and I think that if you can "figure him out" and use that info to help yourself and the kids, go for it!!
I'm probably not very good at praise, especially lavish, but I hope you KNOW, that I (and others) KNOW how hard it is to be in those shoes ... I was fighting with myself again, today ... sometimes so tired from it all ... but I respect you ... and that includes for doing the right thing as well as the hard things.