Narcissist Trauma Survival and Recovery Community Group
Support for those anyone who is or has been in a relationship with a narcissist. Together we are much stronger than any of us would be alone. A place for non-judgemental mutial support, advice, and comfort.
13 years ago, the world changed and what happened here in New York, was the most horrific thing, ever! I was at work when I got a call from my oldest daughter telling me that a plane hit the North Tower. This was very upsetting because she worked at Marsh and McLennon which was on the 98th floor. But she wasn't there, for she was on maternity leave, my first grand-daughter was born months before. It was a miracle, because the side where the plane first hit, was where her office was. She lost most of her friends. I was a basket case that day, the whole world clung to each other for support, and love was pouring out everywhere from everyone. Do you all remember that?????
Well I also have another part of a story for that day. I was married 2 years, and my ex Narc was in the middle of giving me the silent treatment and it was going for on for more than 2 weeks at that time. But the world changed that day, and everyone was running home to their loved ones, everyone wanted to be home, safely tucked in a safe place. I walked in the door after work, totally in tears. He was in the living room watching the
TV. He never looked up, never said a word to me, still was going to give me the silent treatment. I was stunned. Weren't we suppose to put our arms around each other. he surely knew that was were my daughter use to work up to a few months ago. Not a word. Not that day, or the rest of the month.
What the United States of America went through those weeks, the funerals that followed were endless, and not one word to each other. I remember.
Well I also have another part of a story for that day. I was married 2 years, and my ex Narc was in the middle of giving me the silent treatment and it was going for on for more than 2 weeks at that time. But the world changed that day, and everyone was running home to their loved ones, everyone wanted to be home, safely tucked in a safe place. I walked in the door after work, totally in tears. He was in the living room watching the
TV. He never looked up, never said a word to me, still was going to give me the silent treatment. I was stunned. Weren't we suppose to put our arms around each other. he surely knew that was were my daughter use to work up to a few months ago. Not a word. Not that day, or the rest of the month.
What the United States of America went through those weeks, the funerals that followed were endless, and not one word to each other. I remember.
I wrote this a few years back...I tried to put different things together..for my own validation...
I'm so sorry for you..that he did that to you..you did not deserve that..at all..
It wasn't until I got away from my ex that I discovered that the silent treatment was a form of abuse....Then of course it made total sense..It was severe abuse...Early days I remember begging him to speak to me....I also remember crying and pleading with him to stop ignoring me?..Then over the years I became more immune to it, so his sense of control from it diminished for him.
Thats when he escalated the length of time he would give me the silent treatment..Once he managed five weeks....Walking past me as if I was invisible..Refusing to look at me..Or to answer me...It was not only painful for me..But extremely damaging to our children..
I am just SO thankful that we now don't live with that form of abuse from him anymore...The silent treatment is a really horrible and painful and is one of the most negating and terribly painful forms of abuse...Though like withholding it is all designed to hurt you by visibly distressing you..and playing with your emotions..
I found the following posted on the physical and emotional abuse forum...
'When thinking of Verbal Abuse we tend to envisage the abuser hurling insulting names at the victim, and also using critical, insulting or humiliating remarks (e.g. you've got a mind like ditchwater; you're stupid; etc.), , But there are many more forms of abuse, other than name-calling...
There is insidious' abuse..Which is much harder to explain and describe...
Diverting the conversation, changing the subject), blaming and accusing, judging and criticizing, undermining and sabotaging, threatening, withholding affection, sex, undermining name calling, forgetting and denying, ordering around, denial, and abusive anger. Engineering impossible situations, control by proxy and ambient abuse. This is often called 'ambient abuse..'Covert' abuse, and also 'gaslighting' and 'crazymaking'....
The (self confessed abuser)..Who has written about abuse and narcissistic abuse from his own behaviour, and personal perspective...Sam Varkin...describes this kind of abuse as being ambient abuse.
Ambient Abuse:
''Ambient abuse is the stealth, subtle, underground currents of maltreatment that sometimes go unnoticed even by the victims themselves, until it is too late. Ambient abuse penetrates and permeates everything, but is difficult to pinpoint and identify.
It is ambiguous, atmospheric, diffuse. Hence its insidious and pernicious effects. '
'There are myriad ways to abuse..And 'Withholding'..Is also a very common and acknowledged form of abuse..And withholding comes in many forms...
Types of withholding:..
Withholding (the silent treatment),
Countering (refuting or invalidating a spouse's statements or actions),
Discounting (putting down her emotions, possessions, experiences, hopes, and fears), sadistic and brutal humor, blocking (avoiding a meaningful exchange.
Conversation may often be withheld, and affection, and company. This also can often involve a refusal to acknowledge your existence, refusing to talk to you, or to discuss issues, Discounting withholding and the silent treatment can also be called 'BLANKING'..
Blanking:
(A dictionary definition of blanking: Can mean to remove, as from view; obliterate: Devoid of activity, interest, An empty space or place; a void.)
In abuse terms, the word 'blanking' means to 'negate' another. To refuse to engage, and to refuse to listen, or to acknowledge you.
Blanking' is a very painful form of abuse...Blanking involves ignoring you..Sometimes for hours and days, or possibly for weeks on end.
It is designed to break you..It is designed to control your emotions, so that you will begin to crack..
It is designed to prove to someone that they can have a big effect on you...That gives an abuser, a great sense of 'control' over you..It is also designed to seriously affect you emotionally, to 'stress' you out, and it involves abandoning you, and sometimes this can make you feel totally hurt and confused..Though that is the plan.. It is all about control.
Blanking and the silent treatment are also done to convey the message, That "You are not worthy of my time, affection ect.." It is also done to you to make you wonder what you did so wrong to actually have a person ignore you, and to make you strive to acquiesce to the abuser.
By ignoring someone... a message is sent that you matter so little that they cant even be bothered to talk with you, this also seriously invalidates you, and can leave you feeling very confused, hurt, abandoned and bewildered.
The cold silent treatment is often preferred by abusers because this allows the abused person to read in all kinds of meaning while the abuser says nothing and then he feels that he can be more 'in control', and also cannot be accused of doing anything substantive, or wrong.
Invalidation kills confidence, creativity, individuality... and if we do not find a way to re-empower our individual and collective lives and to connect with our humanity... it will slowly erode all that we have built, into a tower of sand.'
So sad that is your painful memory..of that awful time..:)
He forgot one thing. He married a loner. I was ignored by family except for the chores I did. I was use to silence and staying home.
I didn't know he talked down to me until we went out to eat with another couple for the first time ever. I had stayed in a rental house while getting on this land and we took the owners out to eat as a thank you. I was astounded at how articulate the ex was and could actually put many sentences into a real conversation. The woman was a researcher at one of the local hospitals and had been to many overseas areas. The ex was trying to impress and he impressed the hell out of me.
I have had Thyroid cance during these silent treatments, and went for surgery three times and never once had him take me, visit me, or bring me home. My daughters did that. I went to funerals, and christmas' four years in a row because he was into his silent treatments.
And yes, it was the worse form of abuse in our marriage. And then I filed for divorce and the strangest thing happened during that 18 month process where he stayed in the home. he never gave me the silent treatment again. He never yelled, rolled his eyes, punished me at all. he was happy. he had his plan, his freedom and he also had someone waiting in the wings. He said he vowed not to do no more silent treatments because divorce is hard and he wanted to make this as easy as possible for us. Not to make our marriage easy, but our divorce. It was insane.
But that is how I got through the process, and then when it was final, out the door he went, with all his hidden money, and bought another house in cash. Renovated in 4 months and paid for that in cash. Brought in his NS on weekends, got the same Maltese that we had, and named it the same name. Infact the house he bought was the same house, he and I bought together. The only thing that changed for him was that there was a blonde in it now, instead of a brunette. He never looked back.
I wonder if the NS will get the silent treatment?
The ex didn't know I had access to some of his mail. I found the emails to several women. I knew what he did to them he would do to me. So I was always a step ahead of him. I knew what to do and where he was when he cut off my alimony.