Narcissist Trauma Survival and Recovery Community Group
Support for those anyone who is or has been in a relationship with a narcissist. Together we are much stronger than any of us would be alone. A place for non-judgemental mutial support, advice, and comfort.
I don't know how many people had a chance to read this, but there are a couple of really good/important points and since I was realizing some of the good and bad of anger tonight and lately, I thought I'd bring this forward. And thanks for this, Quepasa.
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Anger is a very personal emotion that has the ability to serve two masters.
If can be a positive tool for identifying the problem, coping with the problem, or prompting change . . . all positive occurances in one way or another . . . .
Or anger can be non-productive and even destructive. . . . if it becomes an energy-sapping weight holding one in place through fear, confusion, familiarity, or resentment .. . causing the abused person to focus backwards rather than forcusing forward
If harnessed in productive ways it can serve to help someone eradicate themselves from an abusive relationship by motivating them to seek knowledge and gather strength in preparation for leaving that abusive relationship. The danger here lies in the fact that the abuser's own anger, if overtly or covertly expressed, too often serves to escalate the abuser as well. Hence, venting that anger here in a safe enviornment is an essential role of this discussion group..
Nonetheless, . . . . sometimes that very same anger that seemed to help release tension in the beginning of awareness of abuse . . . can become a trap that actually keeps the emotionally/physically/psychologically abused person bogged down, emotionally trapped and locked in tandem with their abuser. . . . so trapped that the anger may remain long after the abused person has moved on/out and progressed further away on the continum that is the road to peace and happiness. When the anger tags along, it bogs down all progress . . . becoming a weight that continues to stiffle progress.
The absence of anger could signify both a healthy response or an unhealthy response. Lack of anger toward your N/situation could mean you have already processed all the information you need to assess your personal options to go or to stay.
Or, the absence of anger could be a sign that one is so overwhelmed that the absence of anger simply accompanies the absence of any emotion . . . a sort of numbness . . . that shields or pretects one from the pain. That is very dangerous . . . as the pain is still there, lying in wait, capable of reappearing in very destructive and not always recognizable ways.
Try to assess your own emotional state. Is the absence of anger a healthful or harmful condition for you at this point of time. Keep venting. Keep gathering information and educating yourself. You are among friends here. Hugs.
*********************************************
Anger is a very personal emotion that has the ability to serve two masters.
If can be a positive tool for identifying the problem, coping with the problem, or prompting change . . . all positive occurances in one way or another . . . .
Or anger can be non-productive and even destructive. . . . if it becomes an energy-sapping weight holding one in place through fear, confusion, familiarity, or resentment .. . causing the abused person to focus backwards rather than forcusing forward
If harnessed in productive ways it can serve to help someone eradicate themselves from an abusive relationship by motivating them to seek knowledge and gather strength in preparation for leaving that abusive relationship. The danger here lies in the fact that the abuser's own anger, if overtly or covertly expressed, too often serves to escalate the abuser as well. Hence, venting that anger here in a safe enviornment is an essential role of this discussion group..
Nonetheless, . . . . sometimes that very same anger that seemed to help release tension in the beginning of awareness of abuse . . . can become a trap that actually keeps the emotionally/physically/psychologically abused person bogged down, emotionally trapped and locked in tandem with their abuser. . . . so trapped that the anger may remain long after the abused person has moved on/out and progressed further away on the continum that is the road to peace and happiness. When the anger tags along, it bogs down all progress . . . becoming a weight that continues to stiffle progress.
The absence of anger could signify both a healthy response or an unhealthy response. Lack of anger toward your N/situation could mean you have already processed all the information you need to assess your personal options to go or to stay.
Or, the absence of anger could be a sign that one is so overwhelmed that the absence of anger simply accompanies the absence of any emotion . . . a sort of numbness . . . that shields or pretects one from the pain. That is very dangerous . . . as the pain is still there, lying in wait, capable of reappearing in very destructive and not always recognizable ways.
Try to assess your own emotional state. Is the absence of anger a healthful or harmful condition for you at this point of time. Keep venting. Keep gathering information and educating yourself. You are among friends here. Hugs.
the absence of anger could be a sign that one is so overwhelmed that the absence of anger simply accompanies the absence of any emotion . . . a sort of numbness . . . that shields or pretects one from the pain. That is very dangerous
YES. It truly can be VERY dangerous. I remember the night, so long ago, that I arrived at the house to pick up some things for me and our daughters. He had filled out divorce papers about a month before; they weren't filed. We had been arguing and a family argument had again disintegrated into an argument. I told him I would not drive him home, yelling at me. Eventually, police had come. He agreed to go to a motel, which I did too, to get some peace. I learned later that he called the pastor to bring him back home in the middle of the night. He was apparently VERY angry I wasn't there with our daughters. Apparently, I had made some (unknown to me) promise to the police that I would go home, do not pass go, do not collect $200.
So, I'd talked with a friend in town who said we could stay there a few days to have a chance to work things out without too much chaos or change for our daughters. I went to the house, having just received assurance the pastor was there and as "guarantee" of safe passage.
I walked in, our daughters right behind ... all of a sudden, his brother swooped out from the kitchen (no car in evidence on our property), grabbed our daughters and ran. At first, I was both angry and scared, as I evaluated the situation and reacted. After all the guys cleared out, I drove to a friend's house to call the police (they had taken our phones out of the walls and hidden them). Nobody home, so I drove on to the gas station. Hysterical by that time. After calling police, I went back to the house and I KNOW I was in emotional shock. I started cleaning up a picture frame I'd thrown to the floor and broken, to buy a few seconds of "thinking space" earlier. But when the police arrived, I didn't say a word about the children being snatched. I was in some other world, detached and calm.
They wanted me to go to the hospital because I was supposedly "going to kill the pastor" (the guy totally betrayed my trust; I said or shouted, in a metaphorical sense earlier, at him, "Someone ought to kill you!"). I did not explain ANY of the events to the police, nor did they have the sense or training to question me, I guess. I walked around in a complete daze. And THAT was the beginning of the end of me and for me for quite some time, as the way everything went down and ended up being handled only served to injury me more and more, progressively.
Sad thing is, I probably could have pressed for criminal charges on some of what occurred. But i remained locked in that shocky state for quite a while. The only other thing I experienced, for weeks on end, was severe panic attacks. This all happened 14 years ago. It's only been this past year or so that I have really connected all of the dots, for the most part. Having your children snatched like that, being set up ... obviously fueled the panic attacks. I could not go back and stay in the house for MONTHS after that. That tells me something about the level of trauma I experienced. And disappointingly, not ONE mental health professional that I saw in the next several months caught on AT ALL to what I was experiencing.
I'm not sure what good suggestions would be other than as some of you have mentioned, let some good friends/relatives know about a deteriorating relationship, especially if you are making plans to leave. Might be good to even acquaint them (and yourself) with possible defenses that might occur, depending on how the other party responds. Also, if you are working with a therapist or someone of that nature, discuss some of these things before leaving, when reactions are prone to escalate.
I am fairly intelligent and was brought up to be a civilized human being (even despite my own family problems). There was no way that I could have thought that ANY civilized person would do such a thing; I was blindsided and apparently, a lot of people don't recognize the shock and shutting down, even those who are supposedly professionally trained. I hope none of you experiences anything like that or worse.
But it was such an important point, and changed the course of my life and my choices, etc basically for the past 14 years.
I was reading that a good attack of righteous indignation increased dopamine levels in the brain, which is good for motivating us into positive action.
I think I spent too much time in depression and sadness. I am not angry at the ex-narc anymore. I spent a lot of time in that. I'm angry at the most recent one though and that is good. But I won't wallow in it. I just feel like a chump, but that's his problem or their problem. I don'thave to live that story anymore.
I have been and need to get back to practicing yoga nidra meditaiton. You can buy some on Amazon and they are good for post-traumatic stress. Richard Miller's CD's are great. He has a Phd. in psychology.
I find that when I practice this form of guided meditation, I feel more equanimity towards situations, people, and emotions that arise in life. It is truly an amazing experience.
Remember the best revenge is getting on with your life and self-actualizing in spite of what came before.
Thanks for the compliment of reposting my words. I hope they help you and anyone else who can benefit from them.
You have been and still are going through so much!!! Trauma that the rest of us, hopefully, can never even imagine in its full extent. You are a brave and tenacious woman.
I wish for you that someday SOON the Universe will smile upon you and make things right by guiding you to Peace and Happiness. Until then, we are all here to hold your hand and enjoy your company as we struggle together. Courage, friend.
I guess that is the point, though, because I immediately recognized the feelings of emotional shock and some conscious dissociative processes going on and I was well-aware that having a therapist to help me regain grounding and maintain it would be the best course of action for me. I also got a legal consultation going and took other assertive steps to protect myself and our daughters that I was not knowledgeable or capable of "back when". I even decided to go back to my old therapist (I had set this up through his EAP benefits) when I found myself having to argue over and over about "why I would not just dump his sorry self like 90% of women. This therapist did not get that I must be in the other 10%; I considered that he might be bipolar, that he might be having a reaction from the serious and potentially fatal medical conditions he's had for the past 2 years, etc., etc. I was going to get FACTS before throwing away my marriage "just 'cause he hurt my feelings"; especially since our daughters had gone through a lot of hell because of the previous divorce. I think it was a confident and assertive step and demonstrates how far I'd come since he blindsided me before.
Knowing that some of the people here have not learned yet, possibly, of the depths of deception and self-protective techniques some of these disordered individuals will use to maintain image and protect their own interests, I just had to say something when I saw that posting about anger, its absence and danger. It blows my mind to realize that I had to deal with SO MANY mental health professionals in the months after he had our children snatched and not ONE caught on to what was going on with me?? I seriously could have died during that time and that is no joke. I wasn't living completely right, somewhat because I had accommodated so many seemingly innocent "requests" ... I had developed some unhealthy coping strategies and was realizing that I was hurting others as well as myself. I still don't think I deserved what I went through and a complete lack of support from my spouse, no way.
So yes, I take my story as a serious warning of a lot of unnecessary loss that can potentially occur if you are suddenly "attacked" by your partner in a way that doesn't show. I wouldn't wish what I went through on anyone, although I think I have managed to grow and change despite the setbacks (I was going to say because of, but realized I was already in therapy; even that was used as a weapon against me, so it wasn't "because of" ... nobody needs to go through torture or hell to grow and change).
And again, I am just grateful to "meet" others here who actually get it and that we can support, encourage and share with each other .... our efforts WILL make positive differences and those differences will not only have their effects forward in time, but sideways across others. The present will change the future and alter the past. Pretty profound fact, in my opinion.