Narcissist Trauma Survival and Recovery Community Group
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Met with attorney yesterday. She kept saying I need to let go of anger, blah blah and put it behind me and how there is no stigma in bankruptcy blah blah. Today, I'm driving around wee hours of the morning and thinking and it hits me. I've had to WAIT, because he circumvented our daughter's Social Security benefits, right? So I have a so far useless judgment that cost attorney fees. Then I realize that she didn't even address the past year, up til June, as my daughter was still getting checks, but for some reason they ended up going to her father, next door and I never saw them even though I had to do the paperwork and run the paperwork 40 miles to the "local" office; then found out they had "lost" them when we called, several weeks later. So I fixed that.
OK, as for my "free rent", I calculated that since he filed, my attorney fees and therapy, medication and doctor checks have averaged out to something like $450/month. That's for two years.
I don't think about the car repairs, I move on to the next item that's related, though as I just got another warning the other day on this job, as a customer sent in their bill and payment, minus $2 for really late papers when car broken and customer wrote sad comments. I've thought about it before, how Mr N isn't just affecting me or me & daughters. They say a pathological gambler, on average, has negative impact on at least 15 people. I have lost several customers over the issue and over 100 have waited, patiently or not so much ... so obviously the paper has been affected as well as me and the 100+ people. But what that brought to mind was my other lost job ... due to car breakdowns and stress ... affecting sleep and so on.
I start adding in my head. Child support, Attorney and psychologically related fees, lost income ... and I realize I've actually been operating on a $1300 monthly SHORTFALL while he's screaming that I am a thief. I'm trusting my attorney and she never addressed this issue, wants me to see it all as water under the bridge and she'll be happy to do a bankruptcy for me! And of course, I'm thinking, if I file complaint, it'll be just like the nurse thing because the state doesn't seem to give a care ... I heard too, there is some paper attorneys can file to prevent (or at least take action) dissipation of further assets, as in my ex's known gambling. He got $2000 from the youngest for the car that was jointly titled; that was never addressed. And the car he traded in for $500 credit was valued at like $2200 on the marital asset sheet. He was driving it when he left, but I should have had some say
So I AM going to send her an e-mail letting her know that I shouldn't have to be claiming bankruptcy. And I understand this: my patient waiting has caused me to miss opportunities AND changed my options, and that should be taken into account, especially with his behavior. As a matter of fact, over the course of the divorce, he cancelled my cell phone, the satellite tv and phones, plus internet service. So he actually "upped' his income by approximately $200 and not even a slap on the wrist?
I also learned that she could have garnished his SSDI up to 15% for child support obligations (or spousal support). So .... I am not angry exactly, but I am a bit "upset". And I had two conversations with her this week. The first one she was rather frosty and told me we weren't going for dissipation after all. I realized that was news to me and yesterday, she said something like she wasn't sure what we were going for ... just crazy talk. If you have to go to trial, I would suggest running through a practice session with your attorney. It would be worth the expenditure, as there don't seem to be a lot of options "after the fact" other than malpractice. And like I said, I can only imagine how that would go. Just another disappointment.
OK, as for my "free rent", I calculated that since he filed, my attorney fees and therapy, medication and doctor checks have averaged out to something like $450/month. That's for two years.
I don't think about the car repairs, I move on to the next item that's related, though as I just got another warning the other day on this job, as a customer sent in their bill and payment, minus $2 for really late papers when car broken and customer wrote sad comments. I've thought about it before, how Mr N isn't just affecting me or me & daughters. They say a pathological gambler, on average, has negative impact on at least 15 people. I have lost several customers over the issue and over 100 have waited, patiently or not so much ... so obviously the paper has been affected as well as me and the 100+ people. But what that brought to mind was my other lost job ... due to car breakdowns and stress ... affecting sleep and so on.
I start adding in my head. Child support, Attorney and psychologically related fees, lost income ... and I realize I've actually been operating on a $1300 monthly SHORTFALL while he's screaming that I am a thief. I'm trusting my attorney and she never addressed this issue, wants me to see it all as water under the bridge and she'll be happy to do a bankruptcy for me! And of course, I'm thinking, if I file complaint, it'll be just like the nurse thing because the state doesn't seem to give a care ... I heard too, there is some paper attorneys can file to prevent (or at least take action) dissipation of further assets, as in my ex's known gambling. He got $2000 from the youngest for the car that was jointly titled; that was never addressed. And the car he traded in for $500 credit was valued at like $2200 on the marital asset sheet. He was driving it when he left, but I should have had some say
So I AM going to send her an e-mail letting her know that I shouldn't have to be claiming bankruptcy. And I understand this: my patient waiting has caused me to miss opportunities AND changed my options, and that should be taken into account, especially with his behavior. As a matter of fact, over the course of the divorce, he cancelled my cell phone, the satellite tv and phones, plus internet service. So he actually "upped' his income by approximately $200 and not even a slap on the wrist?
I also learned that she could have garnished his SSDI up to 15% for child support obligations (or spousal support). So .... I am not angry exactly, but I am a bit "upset". And I had two conversations with her this week. The first one she was rather frosty and told me we weren't going for dissipation after all. I realized that was news to me and yesterday, she said something like she wasn't sure what we were going for ... just crazy talk. If you have to go to trial, I would suggest running through a practice session with your attorney. It would be worth the expenditure, as there don't seem to be a lot of options "after the fact" other than malpractice. And like I said, I can only imagine how that would go. Just another disappointment.
Our court system is severely lacking. Time after time, I hear of situations similar to your's where there is no justice or fairness. I understand it's important to "let anger go", but it's easier said than done. My NH's ex-wife put us through the wringer 15 years ago regarding his child support. It was a joke. Even tho my anger and disillusionment has subsided, I still have residual negative feelings. The end result was our having to file bankruptcy, which I always said I would never do. Never say never.
It took almost 10 years to get our credit repaired, and even though we continued paying our own personal debts, we were able to avoid his ex-wife's debts (which he was stuck with). There was no way we could pay our's and her's. It really bothered me to file bankruptcy, so I understand your frustration. I had always taken pride with my good credit score. It was a bitter pill to swallow to see that good score go up in smoke, but it's over. I remember how I tried to focus on other things and put my energies in positive things.
Once you've finalized everything, hopefully you will be able to find peace. It does take time. This too will pass. Sending you (((Hugs))).
BUT, I have gone through the e-mails I sent to my attorney over the past couple years and I have at least determined that I have presented the facts to her. If she chose not to follow up, well? I am also learning about intrinsic and extrinsic fraud and "fraud upon the Court". I am no attorney, but if ever anyone has a question, I'll be glad to share sources and info so that you can do further research in your own case. I do have at least a few successful pro se motions and judgments thereof under my belt (smile). So not all bad. And the main thing is this: I'm not crazy!!! Maybe I could make some money giving speeches or writing articles? Or something. I'm just having a very hard time thinking "what to do".
Just going back to "normal" after learning and REALLY understanding that my life, for the last 15 years, has been anything but, and greatly messed around, by fraud and by unresponsive systems that do have "a duty of care", a fiduciary responsibility or otherwise, seems to me to be a passion burning deep inside that I can't just put aside. And how many other people are or have been going through similar? I know I have started recommending people tape and otherwise keep REALLY good documentation, but if there are hidden things "behind the scenes", it can be hard to get facts.
'
But here is some of what I've put together, last few days. He refi'd the house and took $10,000 out of it. A few months later, when I learned I was the last person to take the children to the dentist, 4 years before, at my own expense, one daughter had 5 cavities. He refused to let me take them for the fillings (shortly after he'd had me thrown in jail). He was claiming (per transcripts) that he had no money for the treatment. So then, per his motion, we kept going through and I was not allowed to have visitation (although strictly speaking and without other orders in place, this was a wrongful action). He did not show up for the hearing and the whole visitation, etc reverted to standing orders. Standing orders say that I had "first right to care" for our children if he was unable to provide care. The date marked for the out of state casino visit, I was on the telephone several times and left messages, but was not able to reach him til 10pm. He didn't tell me he was out of state, he just said his attorney hadn't told him about the hearing (right!). So some facts he has presented to Court have been to defraud the Court; others have not presented but defrauded me of rights and were for continued material gain. The statute of limitations is part of the crux, but I think I can show that the time of discovery was affected by the inducement of mental illness and distress, and of course, when I came back, I was going through other things. So I have a lot to work with and I know that even if I file something and it is not completely right (if I have to do so pro se) it merely needs to be amendable.
A whole lot more but I won't go into it at the moment, as there is also a thought that something might be filed "on behalf" (amicus filing?) as rhey would have had no chance at discovery. So I will be researching and trying to find more answers and still yet have to keep up with at least the minimum stuff I "need" to do. Pray for me, wish me some luck, and I will report back as I can.
Your determination and persistance are amazing. I wish you luck and stamina.