Even though I've not been terribly active here, I've been following. I always take a look to see what resonates, most of the postings do (thank you all), and they bring up all of the emotions I've had throughout the process, reminding me of the times that were more horrendous, and also inspiring me of times to come.
I just want to try and speak about how I feel without over articulating things, and I think that's hard sometimes because of all the research, learning, and jargon that we pick up in the journey to understand this profoundly disturbing encounters we've had.
Now? I'm feeling so lost. Not in a desperate way, but in a place of limbo, laced with moments of desperation that I wrestle with. Sometimes through oversleep (depression) and at other times through having a tough talk with myself. But this is a strange place to be.
At the moment I am dealing with chronic pain from an abusive assault from my exN. I thought I had dealt with it, put effort into healing it. But it came back the last time I saw him when we went through court. (what a surprise)
This pain seems to be forcing me to keep dialogue with the trauma that I'm trying to move away from. I think I'm angry, like really angry, and I have reason I guess. But I'm not sure what to rage against? I also am kind of physically out for the count until this pain goes away, so I can't really put it into exercise or anything strenuous at the moment.
I do think that I'm trying to avoid how sad I am, yes. I'm so bloody sad about the whole mess. I've only howled this out once, in the shower, like a wounded animal. I thought I was going to stop breathing it was so intense.
I feel like I need to cry for myself, for the situation, for the fact that this dynamic even exists, that there are people in the world who are so fucked up they can't feel love, and for the people that feel so much love (like myself) that they attempt to hold a space of love for those that don't even have a heart to feel it with.
The whole thing is such sorry business. Truly tragic.
And that's what I guess I find so difficult, the tragedy of this whole mess is huge! I feel like I need to be on a very long retreat. But how the hell can I possibly do that when this situation that I've escaped has left my resources so ridiculously depleted?
Anger, hurt, rage, numbness. Yet still at times I feel tremendous amounts of huge love, for life and people in general, but even then I still need to be careful. Because these are the times that I can also feel like I am strong enough in my love for the world to have contact with my exN again. It feels so dangerous, I hate that such a positive feeling can lead to such a place of danger. It's like getting 'psychologically slapped down' every time I have a sense of recovery.
I'm sure this will change, or I hope it does. i just can't quite see how it will at the moment.
Thank you all for you time.