Narcissist Trauma Survival and Recovery Community Group
Support for those anyone who is or has been in a relationship with a narcissist. Together we are much stronger than any of us would be alone. A place for non-judgemental mutial support, advice, and comfort.
When my divorce became final a little over a year ago, I knew and everyone that knew us also knew that my Exhusband was sick, evil, selfish and did things to me that was wrong on every level. I didn't know the label for what he was until after the divorce when I began searching for answers. You don't have to be a doctor. You answer every quiz question, watch every Video tape, and read every article to have the truth hit you in the face. And then it was all so clear. Knowledge is power they say and I believe that.
And I learned that the process of healing could be long, and the scars run so deep, and the things that I was feeling was because I was more damaged that I thought. Well shouldn't I have been satisfied that I learned the label for what he was, I got the truth, and I now had understanding of what was happening to me? It took 17 years of such emotional torture, but I was strong enough to get out, to learn, to understand. But here is what I am going through now:
I can't "let go" of the anger. My thoughts are so revengeful. I still twist and turn in my sleep, that even at 70, where a man like this was suppose to be "alone" in his old age, simply found another woman, ten years younger, (NS) and he has the exact life he always told me he wanted. It took no time at all, a matter of 90 days. It angers me that the man breathes. I am so glad to be out of the relationship, to be free of all the horror, and yet, I am jealous.
I wonder if she sees that out of his four children, (from a previous marriage) only one or two have anything to do with him, and that is very little. I wonder why she doesn't see that he has four siblings that will not speak to him. I wonder if she sees that the one sister that does, who is dying of cancer, he doesn't visit more than an hour in a month's time. Never calls, never buys her a cup of coffee. (No empathy at all). I happen to be very close to this one sister. I am the one, that visits every week for a full day, taking her food shopping, doctor appointments, chemo, buys the diapers, the postal stamps, does her bills, the laundry. I have never bumped into him, for I make sure to arrange my schedule when he is with his girlfriend, for that to never happen.
I have had NC for 7 months. But I am starting to wonder if these obsessive thoughts mean that I too have Narcisstic behavior. I don't want him in my life in any form. Yet I don't him to have a life, a good life with anyone else. What does that make me? I can't just say, "good luck" and be on your way,.... I wait for the day to hear the news that she and he are as miserable as he and I were. You are not suppose to wish bad things for other people, because I know the Karma will come back in my face, and yet my wishes, and prayers are only to that end. Doesn't that make me sick? I don't want to be feeling any of this, and yet I allow myself to wallow in it.
I have a nice job, with great co-workers, I have friends and support. I have two daughters from a previous marriage myself, who both live almost on the same block as me. I have four grandchildren, that I adore and spend a great deal of time with. I have blessings all around me. My siblings and I are very close. I can go out and do things in the community which I love. I could be enjoying all of these things to the fullest. I could be moving forward easily. But I am not. Always in the back of my mind is the thought that HE GOT AWAY with destroying another woman's life, (his first wife went through 25 years of torture, far worse than me). They have been divorced for 20 years now and she is still alone, because the thought of another man putting her through that again is just too much to bear..... and now he is just skipping along on yet his third relationship. Much smarter, much wiser, much more conning, for he is going to prove to the world that he is NOT going to be alone. We were wrong and he was right.
I am disappointed in myself. I am smarter than this. Or so I thought. I did all the hard work to get out of this isolated life he wanted me in. I did indeed make it out and yet, I am still not happy. Because the sick part of me wanted me to be happy and just see him suffer. When did I become this revengeful? My intelligence tells me that until I can let this go, I will never really be able to move on in my own life, and yet, I don't have a clue on how to make that happen. Any suggestions?
And I learned that the process of healing could be long, and the scars run so deep, and the things that I was feeling was because I was more damaged that I thought. Well shouldn't I have been satisfied that I learned the label for what he was, I got the truth, and I now had understanding of what was happening to me? It took 17 years of such emotional torture, but I was strong enough to get out, to learn, to understand. But here is what I am going through now:
I can't "let go" of the anger. My thoughts are so revengeful. I still twist and turn in my sleep, that even at 70, where a man like this was suppose to be "alone" in his old age, simply found another woman, ten years younger, (NS) and he has the exact life he always told me he wanted. It took no time at all, a matter of 90 days. It angers me that the man breathes. I am so glad to be out of the relationship, to be free of all the horror, and yet, I am jealous.
I wonder if she sees that out of his four children, (from a previous marriage) only one or two have anything to do with him, and that is very little. I wonder why she doesn't see that he has four siblings that will not speak to him. I wonder if she sees that the one sister that does, who is dying of cancer, he doesn't visit more than an hour in a month's time. Never calls, never buys her a cup of coffee. (No empathy at all). I happen to be very close to this one sister. I am the one, that visits every week for a full day, taking her food shopping, doctor appointments, chemo, buys the diapers, the postal stamps, does her bills, the laundry. I have never bumped into him, for I make sure to arrange my schedule when he is with his girlfriend, for that to never happen.
I have had NC for 7 months. But I am starting to wonder if these obsessive thoughts mean that I too have Narcisstic behavior. I don't want him in my life in any form. Yet I don't him to have a life, a good life with anyone else. What does that make me? I can't just say, "good luck" and be on your way,.... I wait for the day to hear the news that she and he are as miserable as he and I were. You are not suppose to wish bad things for other people, because I know the Karma will come back in my face, and yet my wishes, and prayers are only to that end. Doesn't that make me sick? I don't want to be feeling any of this, and yet I allow myself to wallow in it.
I have a nice job, with great co-workers, I have friends and support. I have two daughters from a previous marriage myself, who both live almost on the same block as me. I have four grandchildren, that I adore and spend a great deal of time with. I have blessings all around me. My siblings and I are very close. I can go out and do things in the community which I love. I could be enjoying all of these things to the fullest. I could be moving forward easily. But I am not. Always in the back of my mind is the thought that HE GOT AWAY with destroying another woman's life, (his first wife went through 25 years of torture, far worse than me). They have been divorced for 20 years now and she is still alone, because the thought of another man putting her through that again is just too much to bear..... and now he is just skipping along on yet his third relationship. Much smarter, much wiser, much more conning, for he is going to prove to the world that he is NOT going to be alone. We were wrong and he was right.
I am disappointed in myself. I am smarter than this. Or so I thought. I did all the hard work to get out of this isolated life he wanted me in. I did indeed make it out and yet, I am still not happy. Because the sick part of me wanted me to be happy and just see him suffer. When did I become this revengeful? My intelligence tells me that until I can let this go, I will never really be able to move on in my own life, and yet, I don't have a clue on how to make that happen. Any suggestions?
Isn't it normal to seethe with the injustice of having something important to us stolen away?
If someone's heirloom diamond ring that belonged to their dead mother was stolen from their home by a supposed friend we would expect a similar reaction. (This actually happened to someone I know and they are devastated - will never see the ring again and no justice)
So why are we, who have had irreplaceable years and more stolen, expected to just suck it up and forget?
I don't have any clear answers. It sounds like you have a lovely life. I guess I would suggest you tell yourself every day that you refuse to allow this person to ruin any more of your time. Is there anyway you can move away from these people? I know that isn't always possible.
He told me no I wasn't an N because I thought I might be. Someone who is a Narcissist would never ask that question and would not have those thoughts.
Its going to take some time to recover from this man who was in your life. Long term marriages take a longer to get yourself back to feeling normal again. Some of your feelings are legitimate and will fade in time. What helped me was to think of the things would no longer deal with from my ex. A form of gratitude that I would no longer have beer in the fridge and cases of beer under his side of the bed. That I was no longer isolated in my marriage. I no longer had to worry about his temper tantrums and eating really late because he had to fill up on beer first.
Aside from his clothes, he never moved his stuff out. He went from living with me to moving in with another woman! No time wasted! Not 2 months, not one day! All the accusing of me having an affair, when it was all him. All he did was change partners, and right into another relationship. All the while torturing me! And I struggled with the anger for awhile, I thought how does someone so evil and vindictive just get to walk off into the sunset, it doesn't seem fair. And I cannot for the life of me figure out how he can smear me when I would think that it looks way more unstable on his part that he justs moves from one to the other? I couldn't fathom doing the things he's done, I'm a good person and yet I worry about never finding love and someone to share it with. But then, HIM, he does all these evil things and just seems to get everything he wants so easy and get away with it all.
I tell you, it's not easy sometimes but then I think about how unhealthy our relationship was and how unhappy I was and it was just getting worse, no trust, lies, sneakiness, etc. And things like that, don't just go away with someone. He will eventually start up some of theses things with his new woman. He will never be happy. As I found out afterwards, he's done alot of the same things to other women.
I think that time will heal, the more time that goes by, the less anger you will feel I know that I try to just concentrate and work on myself. I really try to focus on being free and healthy as I don't want to end up filled with bitterness. But I can honestly say that I DO know how you feel and know that your not alone! Hugs to you!
So this weekend, I took some of your suggestions and pushed forward. It was a beautiful weekend, weather wise. I visited his sister, who could barely get her head off the pillow (reaction from chemo) and got her out and made her purchase that mattress and box spring. She was literally sleeping in a hole, for her mattress was 40 years old. And amazingly enough, it was delivered and set up, with the old junk thrown out within 3 hours. She felt human again, and I felt good that I was able to get this one thing accomplished for her.
The next day, I finished all the weeding, and triming of every last piece of landscaping infront of MY house and it looked lovely and ready for the winter. It truly was a work of art. Loved it, and felt good, that I did it all by myself. Took a nice hot bath aferwards, did major work on my hair, and read a good book. I felt peaceful. I got through two days not feeling all that bad.
It's a beginning, a start. Today, at work I will focus, focus, focus on the tasks at hand and I will make sure to take a different road to work. Although my ex moved an hour away, his NS is from my neighborhood, literally blocks away. It is very easy to see her coming home from her weekend with him, unpacking the car, and her two dogs, while she prepares to go to work herself. I WILL NOT DO THAT TODAY. I WILL NOT DO THAT ALL WEEK. I will force myself to go a different way, and NOT LOOK. This week could turn out to be a month, and then longer. I will make this my goal and maybe, by christmas it just won't matter anymore. Dear God, hear these prayers.