Narcissist Trauma Survival and Recovery Community Group
Support for those anyone who is or has been in a relationship with a narcissist. Together we are much stronger than any of us would be alone. A place for non-judgemental mutial support, advice, and comfort.
Last year around this time, I was preparing to send my youngest off 200 miles to college. Last year around this time, she brought home a scrawny little black and white kitten, which I now understand couldn't have been much older than 6 weeks old (it was going through the stage of pooping everywhere but in a litter box).
So much has happened since then. My daughter left that school, was estranged for a while ... came home and is now getting ready to start a new semester (the last one, at the local community college, went well). She just started a new job, but quit within a few days, as the manager was hitting on her and she says that many people have come in (a restaurant) making mention of how he used to make such good meth ... she has an interview somewhere else tomorrow.
The other day, I got to drive her boyfriend back to where he came from (140 mile drive) after some arguing and her deciding she was "done". When I got back, I found out that many of my vitamins are missing (I can't get my daughters to take the good ones ... so it definitely wasn't them). On one note, though ... we have been discussing, over these past several years, the red flags and similarities to her father ... her aunt had talked about this ... how people often tend to find someone with resemblance to their opposite sex parent .... I joked with her that next time either of us are dating, we will "quiz" the other on red flags ...
Yesterday, the cat she brought home with her after the trip down to college, then her aunt's house, then her boyfriend's parents, was killed. She had gone out for a break from her kittens ... I had called her, earlier and wasn't even sure if she was inside or out. My daughter found her later that morning. In a weird twist of fate, there is another mother cat here who is weaning her own .... and she has been nursing these.
I cried a lot yesterday. This has been somewhat a hard week. I guess finding my vitamins missing cinched it that the boyfriend wasn't merely "naive". Turns out, too, that aside from chaos here (unwanted by me), she had wanted to come home sooner than she did ... his insecurities drove him into persuading her to stay there, rather than returning.
I keep remembering the dream I had, when she left last Thanksgiving, in an angry frame of mind. That dream, it was so happy and filled with love. I remember waking up from it and crying fresh tears as I remembered the reality of what all had become. Last night was not restful, I remember having nightmares but not what they were about, specifically I mean. Everyone encouraged me through that time (when my daughter was incommunicado), and here she is, back ... but I know the feeling of having an animal friend who gets you through hard and painful times ... and losing that friend. For whatever reason, that is hitting me really hard. This has been a sort of hard week. I wrote in my journal as a teenager that I didn't want to love, as it hurts too much ... actually ... I just didn't want to have (any) feelings. Especially as I don't have answers ... but the one thing I do have ... is happy memories too, even amidst the pain and sorrows that seem too frequently to pop up these past few years.
So much has happened since then. My daughter left that school, was estranged for a while ... came home and is now getting ready to start a new semester (the last one, at the local community college, went well). She just started a new job, but quit within a few days, as the manager was hitting on her and she says that many people have come in (a restaurant) making mention of how he used to make such good meth ... she has an interview somewhere else tomorrow.
The other day, I got to drive her boyfriend back to where he came from (140 mile drive) after some arguing and her deciding she was "done". When I got back, I found out that many of my vitamins are missing (I can't get my daughters to take the good ones ... so it definitely wasn't them). On one note, though ... we have been discussing, over these past several years, the red flags and similarities to her father ... her aunt had talked about this ... how people often tend to find someone with resemblance to their opposite sex parent .... I joked with her that next time either of us are dating, we will "quiz" the other on red flags ...
Yesterday, the cat she brought home with her after the trip down to college, then her aunt's house, then her boyfriend's parents, was killed. She had gone out for a break from her kittens ... I had called her, earlier and wasn't even sure if she was inside or out. My daughter found her later that morning. In a weird twist of fate, there is another mother cat here who is weaning her own .... and she has been nursing these.
I cried a lot yesterday. This has been somewhat a hard week. I guess finding my vitamins missing cinched it that the boyfriend wasn't merely "naive". Turns out, too, that aside from chaos here (unwanted by me), she had wanted to come home sooner than she did ... his insecurities drove him into persuading her to stay there, rather than returning.
I keep remembering the dream I had, when she left last Thanksgiving, in an angry frame of mind. That dream, it was so happy and filled with love. I remember waking up from it and crying fresh tears as I remembered the reality of what all had become. Last night was not restful, I remember having nightmares but not what they were about, specifically I mean. Everyone encouraged me through that time (when my daughter was incommunicado), and here she is, back ... but I know the feeling of having an animal friend who gets you through hard and painful times ... and losing that friend. For whatever reason, that is hitting me really hard. This has been a sort of hard week. I wrote in my journal as a teenager that I didn't want to love, as it hurts too much ... actually ... I just didn't want to have (any) feelings. Especially as I don't have answers ... but the one thing I do have ... is happy memories too, even amidst the pain and sorrows that seem too frequently to pop up these past few years.
dadda11o
Thanks, Mtumotr. I think you are right about it triggering other losses. I know I am sort of angry or hurt because the fact is, it is hard to enjoy the time with family ... much less anyone ... when always looking over one's shoulder or having mayhem and unnecessary drama created. I know I have tried to kick myself into making the most of the time, nevertheless and it seems to have helped. But it's also sort of weird ... we have had several (male) dogs get hit; only 2 cats in fifteen years, and both were within the last few years and both my youngest daughter's. I know she's been hit hard recently with the "why me" and there is no answer, sometimes. So I just try to be there.
Join the Conversation