Good to hear that this year has brought you progress and a promise of much more progress in the coming year. Dadda, I can certainly say the same for myself.

I joined the Suzy's old group here on DS last December. My grandson had just been born and on the way back to Ohio from NYC my N pretended to leave me at a rest stop on the NJ (or was it PA) turnpike. WHen I went into the ladies room, he moved the car and sort of hit it. As I stood there on the asphalt and looked around, believe it or not, a small part of me hopeed he had left me there. Alas, he appeared grinning and say, "Bet you thought I just went off and left you here."

What prompted this behavior? He said that I had spent too much time with my newborn grandson and ignored me. Yes, the stupid NH was jealous of a newborn!!!!

January brought promises from him to reform. I have to admit he did act so much better for the shortterm, curbing his urge to rage, limiting his pouting and displays of the silent treatment to shorter timeframe. Surprisingly, as he got slightly better, I got less tolerant of even the slightly improved version of Nism. We went back to therapy but it was "all about him" and how he wanted me to be a "mini-me" version of him, parroting back to him his deluded version of reality and stiffling all my thoughts, dreams, and needs.

I won't go into the longer story, but bottom line. I went to a lawyer in April and learned my rights, even as I tried to make our marriage work. Good thing I did as we now have a court date for Feb. 6, 2013. Sad thing is that although I am voluntarily giving up tens of thousands of dollars (my left-leaning princples at work, even though it is not a good idea and I need the money), he is still resentful that I am taking ANYTHING. Yesterday he started yelling at me over $650 one-time payment when he is saving over $170,000 and I am not asking for alimony or my half of the house. He is simply one deluded, self-centered, bastard. His loss. I am already rebuilding my life and he doesn't even realize the enormous value of what he lost.

Dadda, We are strong women who have princple, morals, empathy, and a sense of justice that they just will never get. I have decided to forego personal justice and turn that over to Karma and the Universe. I am opting for FREEDOM over JUSTICE. I firmly believe that it is the smarted thing I have ever done, despite the financial hardships that might entail.

WE CAN DO THIS FRIEND, WITH OUR HEAD HELD HIGH AND OUR SPIRIT SOARING11111
. . . . ONWARD INTO A NEW YEAR, PROGRESSING FORWARD ON THE PATH TO PEACE AND HAPPINESS!!!

Good to hear that this year has brought you progress and a promise of much more progress in the coming year. Dadda, I can certainly say the same for myself.

I joined Suzy's old group here on DS last December. My grandson had just been born and on the way back to Ohio from NYC my NH pretended to leave me at a rest stop on the NJ (or was it PA) turnpike. WHen I went into the ladies room, he moved the car and sort of hid it. As I stood there on the asphalt and looked around, believe it or not, a small part of me hopeed he had left me there. Alas, he appeared grinning and said, "Bet you thought I just went off and left you here."

What prompted this behavior? He said that I had spent too much time with my newborn grandson and ignored him. Yes, the stupid NH was jealous of a newborn!!!!

January brought promises from him to reform. I have to admit he did act so much better for the shortterm, curbing his urge to rage, limiting his pouting and displays of the silent treatment to shorter timeframe. Surprisingly, as he got slightly better, I got less tolerant of even the slightly improved version of Nism. We went back to therapy but it was "all about him" and how he wanted me to be a "mini-me" version of him, parroting back to him his deluded version of reality and stiffling all my thoughts, dreams, and needs.

I won't go into the longer story, but bottom line. I went to a lawyer in April and learned my rights, even as I tried to make our marriage work. Good thing I did as we now have a court date for Feb. 6, 2013. Sad thing is that although I am voluntarily giving up tens of thousands of dollars (my left-leaning princples at work, even though it is not a good idea and I need the money), he is still resentful that I am taking ANYTHING. Yesterday he started yelling at me over $650 one-time payment that I asked him to pay as his actions caused the problem (will let court decide). He is resentful that I am taking any money, never mind that I am voluntarily taking far less than the law allows. I am taking about $40,000 while he is saving over $170,000 just in cash assets, plus I am not asking for alimony or my half of the house. He is simply one deluded, self-centered, bastard. His loss. I am already rebuilding my life and he doesn't even realize the enormous value of what he lost when he lost ME.

Dadda, We are strong women who have princple, morals, empathy, and a sense of justice that they just will never get. I have decided to forego personal justice and turn that over to Karma and the Universe. I am opting for FREEDOM over JUSTICE. I firmly believe that it is the smartest thing I have ever done, despite the financial hardships that might entail.

WE CAN DO THIS FRIEND, WITH OUR HEAD HELD HIGH AND OUR SPIRIT SOARING11111
. . . . ONWARD INTO A NEW YEAR, PROGRESSING FORWARD ON THE PATH TO PEACE AND HAPPINESS!!!

Oh my - Dadda and Quepasa, you two ladies are amazing!!! You will never know how your words have helped saved me! Thank you for posting your thoughts, ideals, and about your experiences. God is working through you two! I hope and pray I can be as strong, even half as strong, as you both. And, I hope 2013 is an amazing and rewarding year for you!

Definatly for most of them it appears money and prestige is their only love and if the have to share the limeligh or part with money the war is on. My ex (Fitzy) kind of made his own bad name way back there. I had taken nothing even though he was worth several million in his 2 businesses. A few weeks later he took his pickup in for repairs and then refused to pay the bill, citing that his ex had taken him to the cleaners andif they wanted their money they had to get it out of me. I got a letter from the repair shop's lawyer demanding payment. I gave this over to my lawyer who told them the whole story. That this man had given me not a penny after our many years of marriage and was now trying to make me pay his bills on top of it. Small town! People knew how hard I had worked and they knew his nasty side a bit as well. He was the subject of much hostility in a small farming communityand he brought it on his own head!
of course he blamed me and said I had "blabbed about him and turned his good name to mud ", but I hadn't said a word. Just handed the stuff over to my lawyer who knew the truth.

Quepasa the ex once did almost the same thing to me. I was to pick him up at the airport and got there ahead of time. I waited and walked the airport looking for him. He knew where I was meeting him. No show. I went out to the car to check to see if I was in the right parking lot. When I walked back in there he was and mad as hell. Swore he had been waiting there forever and that I had just arrived. I didn't know what an N was at that time and just let him rant on and on. I wasn't going to waste my time arguing with him and I had our baby daughter with me.

Yes Oldandwiser makes a good point with her reply. Money and prestige is what they worry about most. When I filed for divorce he was concerned that some of his work friends would know and then said he guessed it didn't matter because he wouldn't be back in this town.

I did go for over half the assets and alimony. I had a house, a life and money in my pocket when I married the ex. I felt I should be left in the same position plus the 32 years I put in. He gave me everything I asked for and then the games began. I was so blessed to divorce in this state and I've covered the bills and got him back into court.

I was going to walk away with nothing and one of my bosses set me straight. If you can walk away free and clear I greatly respect that but I have no skills other than this horse farm and I had to have money to live on and right now I'm living very well. I didn't want to be a burden on my daughters. I work hard every day. Work that I love and I can say I'm grateful for what the ex brought into my life even as he has tried to cause me financial harm.

Dadda I'm glad to hear you are making progress on so many levels. I've read about you repairing your car. Never could I do that. You are so smart to tackle this on your own. I think as women we are really smarter than most of our exes. For some reason we let them have too much control of our lives just because they are men. I think the ex secretly resented the fact that I considered myself his equal but he was the one always asking me how to do something. Letting me trade for his next new truck because he didn't have the guts to bargain for that truck.

dadda,

I'm glad to hear that you have accomplished a lot in the past year. Although we (well, I, especially) tend to focus on the negatives and seemingly / frustratingly slow recovery progress, your post made me realized how much I have accomplished in my past year and what wonderful friends I have met here.
And you are definitely one of the people here who changed my life for the better by making me see things in a different light. I admire your intelligence, strength and compassion for others.
I understand that the life may not be perfectly where you want it to be right now, but I believe things happen for a reason no matter how devastating and painful....
Some people choose to give up, but the others come out even stronger. And you are definitely the latter.
May your 2013 be filled with joy and love!!! :)

I really loved all the posts so far. And seriously, touche to all of you; I get down and you all pick me up ... if my children would have thrown one of the fits at Thanksgiving, and he'd been here, it would have either turned into mayhem or I'd have been ignored. Sometimes hard to say which is/was worse.

And a lot of you remind me about me (sometimes supposed) faith or encourage me there, even if yours is not quite the same. But I have to say, and hope this offends nobody, I came out of therapy today having had about a 20 minute appointment. I was running late, then got stopped by a state trooper; thankfully he only gave me a warning. My therapist gave me a little booklet a while back, "acceptance" and it was in my car when I came out. I opened it and there was something about Jesus accepting all the indignities and injustices. I can't help it ... I think, I'm not him and also, he got to die, finally, after getting tortured. I know that doesn't "sound" too good but some of you probably know what I mean, struggling with negative feelings and circumstances ... it's hard. I sort of pulled a better thought out after that, 'cause I know God can still be grieved, but I just realized "this is all I know and understand" and I don't EVEN understand.

But I was realizing the other day how it is easy to go through so many upheavals and sort of back and forth, up and down on finances, relationships, our feelings and so much else that sometimes so easy to forget we ARE making progress. And a lot of the time, showing (great) courage because we don't have a real clue where we are headed. Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.
Mark Twain

Spiritsprout, I think you are a great encourager. I have felt a lot better after reading some of your responses to me or other people. Sometimes I really don't think it's strength so much as desperation that pushes or pulls me through (and sometimes, some really kind people). I'm sort of learning there are times to keep plugging away, times when help miraculously shows up and times when I should ask for help. And also times to take a breather and step back for a bit. Now if I could only figure out what's appropriate when. I say it sort of jokingly, but I often would benefit from help or just a friend and that's one of my weak points, because of being afraid of rejection or a hidden "pricetag". So maybe that's something I can work on.

Oldandwiser, you inspire me because I know how I fell apart just through the verbal and emotional assaults. Some of the things you went through or your children I just can't imagine coming through with sanity intact, not to mention humor and kindness. I know you also have backbone, but you come on here at times when you are going through something and share that. You don't have that, oh gosh, something like a superiority complex or anything. You can let us know you are human and let us tend to you at times, too.

And you too, Quepasa. I think one of the worst lessons I ever got from some adults was the idea that I could strive for and reach "a state of perfection". Now that I am an adult, and a few years in, I don't believe that ... just maybe some people are better at becoming "their best" than others. One of the things I have admired about you is your willingness to try things , even if they sort of fly in the face of common or popular "wisdom". If ever solutions are to be found, they will be found with those who refuse to give up, people who realize "current science" is not "all" science. Plus I appreciate your willingness and integrity in taking over the site; I have my own little page on facebook and lately, I haven't had time to attend to it as I should. Plus many projects I need to be tackling. But I notice a lot of the hugs and responses you give, that you make the time to encourage and respond to us, even though you have everything going on that is.

Trisha, I have admired your management of your farm, especially through all of what have to be somewhat (to worse) difficult times and despite your social isolation. I was trying to just get a little sales business going and keep getting off track with crises; normally, I am a very efficient and organized, productive person. I'm not sure if it is like "one thing" - innate strength, or if you have also got skills you have picked up to keep your head on straight, but I am thinking maybe you could give some pointers sometime? Some things I can handle well, but when I am facing legal stuff and some other things, I find myself walking in circles and pacing way too much and can never remember if I did what I think I did (always having to go back and double check then). Now I just think "amygdala attack" but sure would like to be able to cut them back!

Shelby, I don't know for sure, but it often seems like I am the one going slow and other people on here sound like they have it "together". Maybe a lot of us feel like that? That was one of the reasons I wanted to post on thinking where we have been and where we are now ... I was feeling like a serious "failure" earlier LOL reached the pinnacle of my career and all else years ago. Now I'm getting close to 50 and delivering papers to (try to) keep my head above water. Sometimes makes me wonder what the 20 something version would have thought about me! And sometimes, with all these things I am writing to so-called authorities, I wonder if there is a purpose or point. I think the most fun (and deviously clever) way I got a response back from someone blowing me off was when I posted a message about being blown off on the Indiana House Republicans page (few months before election sure didn't hurt. Got a phone call the next morning, then went back to being blown off. I used to pretty much totally respect and trust authorities and now I am challenging them and sometimes I do feel like an idealistic student again, thinking things can be changed.

I really think one of the things you may develop as you find or get back to the real you, only freer or more authentically and confidently, is what you were talking about on your recent post. I said something to someone the other day, 'cause I know I have stood up for people and also think a friend is someone who doesn't let you drive drunk or walk off a cliff you don't see coming ... I have seen some other people do that. Just seems fewer in the last several years ... except maybe books and articles, the news. And if it is on the news, you pretty much know it's rare. Just your demeanor and the way you word things, I could see you being one of those really true friends, but with the knack of communicating without lecturing or being "holier than". I think it was a sign of good things, because you are questioning "what's going on" but also able to see and say, "it might be me". I remember one of my previous therapist was really "into" people's ability to handle ambivalence, which no N can do. They might swing back and forth and hate you one day and love you the next (and put "your " hate on someone else LOL) but a true N cannot tolerate or I think even achieve conscience ambivalent thought (don't quote me, just a theory). Pretty close or similar to cognitive dissonance. So my thought for you in a nice way is that you get more ambivalence in the upcoming year and feel more comfortable with it. I found some neat stuff but will post it separately.

Yes and may all of our New Years be filled with progress and growth but also some good things and experiences, as well as friends so as to refresh us and remind us that we have come a long way!!

Dadda, What a kind and thoughtful response to all of us who posted. You always go the extra mile to acknowledge us all and it is appreciated. Hugs, my friend.