Narcissist Trauma Survival and Recovery Community Group
Support for those anyone who is or has been in a relationship with a narcissist. Together we are much stronger than any of us would be alone. A place for non-judgemental mutial support, advice, and comfort.
Hey all,
I thought this place was gone, but now I see it's not. It was good to find it when I came looking.
I'm just having a relapse of sorts, I guess (I say this as if I was ever actually free of this). The training is just always coming back - you'll never be good enough, whatever youre doing, it's wrong or inadequate, push, push, push, push yourself until you are what someone else says you should be, even though that will never be possible. I can't seem to get any rest from the voices in my head, who are really just someone else's voices.
I feel like I'm falling apart - I can't seem to keep on track, or even keep up with my job anymore. I am getting older and my partner and I are talking about kids, but the constant refrain in my head is "how can you have kids? you're barely making it now, if you can even call this making it!"
I'm just serious mess today. I have actually been taking alot of the advice I learned on here in the past about forgiving yourself and giving yourself time to freak out or do whatever... but I find that, in doing this, I'm not able to maintain my life. I'm shirking my responsibilities and making things worse. I spend all my time and energy fighting invisible interior enemies that were imported when I was a kid and which have just grown up to be irremovable monsters.
I wonder if anyone has a similar experience. Sometimes I feel like I'm too broken to even live in the world, that there's just no room for someone as disconcertingly off-track as me.
I thought this place was gone, but now I see it's not. It was good to find it when I came looking.
I'm just having a relapse of sorts, I guess (I say this as if I was ever actually free of this). The training is just always coming back - you'll never be good enough, whatever youre doing, it's wrong or inadequate, push, push, push, push yourself until you are what someone else says you should be, even though that will never be possible. I can't seem to get any rest from the voices in my head, who are really just someone else's voices.
I feel like I'm falling apart - I can't seem to keep on track, or even keep up with my job anymore. I am getting older and my partner and I are talking about kids, but the constant refrain in my head is "how can you have kids? you're barely making it now, if you can even call this making it!"
I'm just serious mess today. I have actually been taking alot of the advice I learned on here in the past about forgiving yourself and giving yourself time to freak out or do whatever... but I find that, in doing this, I'm not able to maintain my life. I'm shirking my responsibilities and making things worse. I spend all my time and energy fighting invisible interior enemies that were imported when I was a kid and which have just grown up to be irremovable monsters.
I wonder if anyone has a similar experience. Sometimes I feel like I'm too broken to even live in the world, that there's just no room for someone as disconcertingly off-track as me.
Hugs,
T
Otherwise, maybe you are more stressed than usual or the like.I was feeling really down on myself, because for (lately) what seems like forever, I've had to keep pushing myself to even start things I KNOW I need to do. I finally realized that I am in the "exhaustion" phase of burnout. Doesn't make me feel "better" to know that, but at least I know what's going on.
On the "freaking out", I don't know if it helps or maybe it doesn't help everyone. What types of things are you doing?
And hey, nobody has it "all together" all the time; I was a complete disaster some time ago and sure, I still have my "weird" (LOL) ideas, but I know a lot of good things about me, including that I recovered to the point of having 2 part time jobs and 2 volunteer things going, doing a lot for my children and dealing with being non-custodial, not backing down or falling apart when ex "messing with me" and I had friends, etc. I was in a better environment, too.
Don't expect to grow an rose in Antarctica ... maybe it is your environment more than you. Maybe there is stuff inside that needs some formal work, like in therapy. The voices in your head ARE NOT YOUR VOICES and they do not belong to you nor are they accurate. Your own voice and knowledge maybe needs strengthened.
But if you want to describe some more, maybe some good suggestions or reassurance can help, too. Fact is, you are reaching out and that, as well as doing well in the interim, suggest a lot more strength, capabilities and potential still waiting to be developed than you maybe realize. Hugs!
Try to make a miniplan . . . think of a half dozen little things that you can do for yourself that might give you a few moments of relaxation or pleasure . . . a warm bubble bath; hot choclate or a cup of herbal tea with the lights down low; soft music as you drift off to sleep, a good book that takes you away from you troubles for a while; a walk in the park . . . I am sure you can think of others that better fit you and your life.
Now vow to do at least one of these things each day. It won't require a lot of time . . . probably 15-30 min. tops. Think of it as "paying yourself first." Make the time and make yourself accountable for actualy working the plan. Don't hit and miss . .. instead, do one of these things EVERY day. You need to learn to pamper yourself and to find peace within yourself . . . doing so will make you stronger and better able to face the hard things in life . . . seems simplistic . . . it won't make all your troubles go away . . . but it will help you face them refreshed. Keep venting. We care.