PL,
I hear you girl but NOOOOOOOOOO!!! Please no. Put that phone down. Go for a drive (no texting and driving) ;o) or ride a bike - it's hard to text and ride.

Let's just fast forward to how you will feel after you hit "send." Did you get there? Do you feel the knot in your stomach? Do you see yourself looking at your phone every 5 mins afterward to see if he responded and an hour or two passes with nothing or you hear that noise and you are afraid to pick it up and it turns out it wasn't him it's your phone provider telling you of a new offer they have and that pit in your stomach comes back and stays there for a long time and the longer it takes to get a response the worse you feel about sending the text in the first place. You think "maybe it didn't go through." That's one scenario. Then of course there's the other - he does respond. Funny thing is you still get the knot in your stomach and depending on his response, which is sure to be lacking in emotion and/or nostalgia, you again wish you'd never sent it. Picture this, what if his response is "who is this?" because he deleted your number. Wow, that smarts - and you'll wonder if he did it on purpose. One step forward, ten steps back. Keep moving forward.

Call some friends or go out somewhere you feel comfortable and have some honest interaction with some real people.

HUGS!!

When you love and appreciate yourself..more than you want his bad treatment of you..and when you realise you deserve better..and deserve way way more.... than he gave you..

You'll finally full time lose all urges to contact him..

When you know you are worth more...that you only deserve all good and decent treatment from others..

you'll leave his sorry ass behind forever..and for good..

wishing that for you..x

I understand you completely PL. The pain is there like I broke up with him yesterday, I have to resist the temptation to text him with an outpouring of emotion. I have held everything back because I thought he was going to mediation or court but as that doesn't look likely I feel so angry at everything he has done that I just want to get it out !!

It's important we don't text or communicate with them. It will be more of the same. Pain. Upset. Waiting for a reply that won't be nice or accepting of our feelings. They were never the person we wanted them to be, I understand the urge to contact though. I can't get my mind round how cold they are. Love Xxxx

Hi PL,
Hope you made it through the night. Today is a new day. Everyday with NC is a victory, though it doesn't always feel like it. A few months ago I gave in to that urge. I actually felt bad that I hadn't checked on him in awhile. I sent a how r things text. He responded that things were not good and asked for money. I didn't respond. He was like a dog with a bone and over the next couple months kept contacting me with one crisis or another all to solved with me giving him a loan. I refused all requests. The last, like the first, I just didn't respond. That was almost two months ago. During one of his pleas he said if I didn't help him he'd lose everything and be out on the street. I know for a fact that hasn't happened. Even when they are "being vulnerable" they are not to be trusted. Stay strong!

Thanks so much my angels !
I have not done it.
That urge is ****ed up tho.
There's a logical part of my brain which KNOWS he had behaved very poorly.

And then there's a wishful part of my brain wishing he had truly meant all the nice stuff.

Although the nice stuff is just spoiled really by the silence he has given me since March.

I've sent several texts before which have just been ignored.

What's the point? Its like I'm talking chinese and he's speaking Russian.

Give up and let go. Trying. **** me it's hard.

Let's all hang in there - sending you all love and healing xxxx

It's scary how cold they are, truly x

PL,
Hooray! I'm so proud of you.
Our curse is that we feel and try to understand. I realize now there's no winning with them. If we are nice and loving they take advantage. If we speak up about their bad behavior they shut down, ignore or become irate. Either way we are left with our feelings. I have a good life. I have good friends. When I think about him I think about all the bad times. The I wonder why I think about it at all. It's truly puzzling. Good job on your part.

I see like riding waves, some are big, some are small. These emotions will come and go, it takes a long time to recover, we are human beings with hearts and souls. They are not. Sending love Xxxxxx

Nice image, thanks.
I had that a few years ago with some guy at work, who claimed he was in love with me and I was his soul mate. Only the next week, I wasn't. Lol.

I texted him a few weeks later - and got 'who is this'. Awful. Just degrading.

Still in the no contact zone - despite the urge bubbling away. What the hell is that urge? Makes no sense. His treatment of me couldnt have been worse. Where's my pride to never contact him again? Why can't I just throw him in the bin, like he has with me? I pray for that moment. Where I am so so glad he's gone. Where if he ever tried to contact me, I would ignore. And not care.

Is it a lack of confidence that I can do better? The thought of any new relationship just seems impossible. From where I'm sitting, all men behave like Ns.

Peace - hope youre all doing ok - heres to intense therapy and no contact.

Xxxx

Last week after my post about the social network, I blocked myself from being able to view the NS's (his of course is a fortress - nothing to see there unless you are a "friend" which I never was) - I'm not a big FBer and it just seemed dangerous so I never asked to be FB friends. But the NS page was open and I found myself checking it for signs that he was still an A-hole. Then I realized what difference does it make? It's how he treated ME that matters. So anyway I blocked it. Obviously I can remove it but just the act of doing that helped me not WANT to look at it. Also, the N and I live in the same neighborhood. I've changed my route slightly so I don't go anywhere near his place. I really don't want to care what he is doing or with whom and everyone on here is right - the only way to get there is to go total NC!! So far so good.

So weird, I had a dream last night that I was with friends and he called and my friends and I were all sitting around staring at the phone asking "why is he calling?" In the dread I did not answer the phone. The dream felt so real that when I work up I checked my phone. It's been over 2 mos. since he has tried to contact me - longest yet. Could it be I finally broke too many of his rules - he realized he could no longer manipulate or control me - I wasn't buying his sob stories any longer. Let him take is troubles elsewhere.

One more thing. I've read a lot of articles/posts on other sites over the months and some make it sound like the victim of narcissistic or borderline personality abuse "put up with it," minimizing the level of manipulation that is heaped on the partner of the N or BPD and not mentioning the excuses they make for their behavior, especially in the beginning when they are trying to keep you.

I feel that unless you are someone who likes conflict (or are a drama queen), you try to avoid conflict. Our whole lives we are taught and conditioned to get along with others, to appreciate people's differences, to have empathy, to stay true to your beliefs but not judge. Throw in that you may even be in love with the N or BPD and you really want to avoid conflict. Who wants to fight with someone they care about? Ns and BPDs know this. Actually, when you think about it, they don't want conflict either - that's why they avoid, disappear, and shut down when you want to "talk." Some will even give you instructions for how and when you can talk to them about serious subjects - they might say, "we can talk just don't be aggressive," or their behavior and mood is so unpredictable you find yourself watching and waiting for the right moment - which of course there never is one. I used to wait until we were out having a good time and thought I would bring up something casually but he would shut it down and say "why do you want to bring that up now, we're having a good time, we'll can talk later." Later never came. So you have two people trying to avoid conflict in a relationship that is full of conflicting behavior and information. One is walking on eggshells, the other is running in the opposite direction. How does anything get resolved? It doesn't. Unless YOU give up on getting whatever it was you hoped to get from "talking" to the N. Sometimes you'd be soothed just because it sounded like they were at least willing to talk, just not now - and you'd think, well, maybe I'm making too much out of it. Ns can be tricky and I just want that to be understood.