Narcissism Community Group
For those learning about or recovering from narcissistic abuse.
http://letmereach.com/2014/08/27/why-does-it-take-so-long-emotional-healing-after-narcissistic-abuse/
The most common questions I hear from readers and clients are, “Why does it take so long to heal from this heartache?”, “Why can’t I stop thinking about the person who abused me?”, “Why do I still love him/her after what they did to me?”, “Will this pain ever go away?”
Obsessing over an emotionally abusive relationship is draining, and often so detrimental that many sufferers lose their jobs, homes, and even their children. In severe cases, suicide is attempted and sometimes successfully carried out.
There are many elements involved in healing from Narcissistic abuse. Just as with any loss, there will be periods of grieving, denial, anger, and depression. However, unlike a typical break-up where one would eventually get to a point of acceptance, many victims of Narcissistic abuse stay fixated and obsess about their abuser, often suffering as long ten years or more post-breakup.
Why does this happen and what can one do to heal from an emotionally abusive relationship? Following are the top five tips for getting over Narcissistic abuse.
Allow yourself to grieve and be angry
Many victims of narcissistic abuse have the false perception that since their partner was a fraud and the relationship was one-sided, that they shouldn’t allow themselves to grieve or vent their anger. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Not allowing yourself to process these feelings often leads to detrimental outcomes at a later point in time, such as getting stuck in emotional, and/or spiritual levels of bereavement. This typically manifests in symptoms such as:
Staying stuck in a sad, angry, or depressive state, or often feeling emotionless
Signs of suppressed anger
Prolonged exhaustion, depression, or indifference
One or more addictions
Repeated avoidances
Some type of chronic pain or illness
Obesity and/or eating disorders
Seek professional help if you believe you may suffer from complicated grief
Complicated grief is a severe and long-lasting form of grief that takes over one’s life. This is very common in the aftermath of abusive relationships because victims never get the validation they wished for, nor do they get a sense of closure.
Following the end of an abusive relationship, a lot of business is left unfinished, including unsettled disputes, discrediting of the victim, questions unanswered, and unrequited love. The victim is left hanging, unable to complete their relationship with their abuser and stuck in the pain of their grief.
Make sure you’ve implemented No Contact in its true form
Many victims of Narcissistic abuse prolong their suffering by leaving a window open in the event their abuser decides to reach out. Across the forums and chat rooms, countless victims describe how they’ve been “No Contact” for such-and-such amount of time, but then receive a call or email from their Ex-Narcissist. If the Narcissist has a way in, then No Contact hasn’t been properly executed. This is the primary cause of not being able to heal, because as long as the abuser has a way in, true healing cannot take place. Once the Narcissist successfully reaches out and provokes a response, it’s back to square one. (If children are involved, a very strict plan for modified contact should be legally documented, entered, and enforced).
Stop researching Narcissism 24/7
During our phase of discovery, educating ourselves about Narcissism is essential in understanding the behaviors of the disordered and helps us recognize the dynamics of abusive relationships. However, when it’s time to truly heal, the focus should then turn to healing methods and self-care.
Constant research on the traits of your disordered Ex keeps your focus on them, not on you or your recovery. Remember the old saying, “What fires together, wires together”? Each time we repeat a particular thought or action, we reinforce the connection between our neurons, turning those thoughts into a way of life, and thus influencing our day-to-day reality. Implementing self-care patterns that are positive and healthy may be difficult at first, but with practice, they too will become habitual, and help you recover faster.
Work on your self-esteem
The number one, most important thing to realize is that the perceived rejection from your abuser is an illusion, just as their love was. Their primary goal is to make you feel invalidated, invisible. What that means is that even if they secretly think you’re attractive, successful, fun to be around, or the best partner they’ve ever had, they will NEVER admit to it, unless they are trying to keep you in the queue. Most of the time, Narcissists will strive to take away every last shred of your self-esteem because that’s how they keep you hooked…to keep you thinking, “I am damaged goods. Better to have someone who treats me like crap than no one at all”. Even if they have moved on, they want you to feel worthless and will leave no stone unturned in their mission to guarantee this. Remember, everything that came out of their mouth was/is a lie, including the negative things they say/said about you.
The most common questions I hear from readers and clients are, “Why does it take so long to heal from this heartache?”, “Why can’t I stop thinking about the person who abused me?”, “Why do I still love him/her after what they did to me?”, “Will this pain ever go away?”
Obsessing over an emotionally abusive relationship is draining, and often so detrimental that many sufferers lose their jobs, homes, and even their children. In severe cases, suicide is attempted and sometimes successfully carried out.
There are many elements involved in healing from Narcissistic abuse. Just as with any loss, there will be periods of grieving, denial, anger, and depression. However, unlike a typical break-up where one would eventually get to a point of acceptance, many victims of Narcissistic abuse stay fixated and obsess about their abuser, often suffering as long ten years or more post-breakup.
Why does this happen and what can one do to heal from an emotionally abusive relationship? Following are the top five tips for getting over Narcissistic abuse.
Allow yourself to grieve and be angry
Many victims of narcissistic abuse have the false perception that since their partner was a fraud and the relationship was one-sided, that they shouldn’t allow themselves to grieve or vent their anger. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Not allowing yourself to process these feelings often leads to detrimental outcomes at a later point in time, such as getting stuck in emotional, and/or spiritual levels of bereavement. This typically manifests in symptoms such as:
Staying stuck in a sad, angry, or depressive state, or often feeling emotionless
Signs of suppressed anger
Prolonged exhaustion, depression, or indifference
One or more addictions
Repeated avoidances
Some type of chronic pain or illness
Obesity and/or eating disorders
Seek professional help if you believe you may suffer from complicated grief
Complicated grief is a severe and long-lasting form of grief that takes over one’s life. This is very common in the aftermath of abusive relationships because victims never get the validation they wished for, nor do they get a sense of closure.
Following the end of an abusive relationship, a lot of business is left unfinished, including unsettled disputes, discrediting of the victim, questions unanswered, and unrequited love. The victim is left hanging, unable to complete their relationship with their abuser and stuck in the pain of their grief.
Make sure you’ve implemented No Contact in its true form
Many victims of Narcissistic abuse prolong their suffering by leaving a window open in the event their abuser decides to reach out. Across the forums and chat rooms, countless victims describe how they’ve been “No Contact” for such-and-such amount of time, but then receive a call or email from their Ex-Narcissist. If the Narcissist has a way in, then No Contact hasn’t been properly executed. This is the primary cause of not being able to heal, because as long as the abuser has a way in, true healing cannot take place. Once the Narcissist successfully reaches out and provokes a response, it’s back to square one. (If children are involved, a very strict plan for modified contact should be legally documented, entered, and enforced).
Stop researching Narcissism 24/7
During our phase of discovery, educating ourselves about Narcissism is essential in understanding the behaviors of the disordered and helps us recognize the dynamics of abusive relationships. However, when it’s time to truly heal, the focus should then turn to healing methods and self-care.
Constant research on the traits of your disordered Ex keeps your focus on them, not on you or your recovery. Remember the old saying, “What fires together, wires together”? Each time we repeat a particular thought or action, we reinforce the connection between our neurons, turning those thoughts into a way of life, and thus influencing our day-to-day reality. Implementing self-care patterns that are positive and healthy may be difficult at first, but with practice, they too will become habitual, and help you recover faster.
Work on your self-esteem
The number one, most important thing to realize is that the perceived rejection from your abuser is an illusion, just as their love was. Their primary goal is to make you feel invalidated, invisible. What that means is that even if they secretly think you’re attractive, successful, fun to be around, or the best partner they’ve ever had, they will NEVER admit to it, unless they are trying to keep you in the queue. Most of the time, Narcissists will strive to take away every last shred of your self-esteem because that’s how they keep you hooked…to keep you thinking, “I am damaged goods. Better to have someone who treats me like crap than no one at all”. Even if they have moved on, they want you to feel worthless and will leave no stone unturned in their mission to guarantee this. Remember, everything that came out of their mouth was/is a lie, including the negative things they say/said about you.
I have a tendency to obsessively research narcissism as mentioned above so thank you for the tip.
I hope that it will not actually take 10 years to recover my former self.